And yes, I know that college isn’t as easy as high school and my attention has probably been wandering due to living with a vampire,

but still. I just feel dirty.

[Carmilla enters]

Ugh. What are you whining about now?

Nothing.

[pause]

I think I failed my Lit midterm.

Big deal.

Aren’t you practically dating your TA?

You mean ask Danny to…

No, I couldn’t do that.

An “A” is a sacred trust.

Fine.

But if I was your TA you wouldn’t even have to ask.

That’s unethical. Considerate, but unethical.

Ethics are a ridiculous game played by children who think they can impose order on an arbitrary universe.

Yeah, but what can you do but try?

Well, if you were smart you’d take any advantage you can get.

Speaking of which, where’s that bracelet I gave you?

[Laura gets the bracelet from under Carmilla’s mattress]

So what does it do, exactly?

It makes you feel off to vampires. Like you’re leaking radiation.

Like if I touched you, I might feel off.

Oh. Well, that’s good. That’s probably good.

Well, it might persuade them to move on to someone else.

Speaking of which, have you heard anything from the dean yet?

Radio silence. But the fact that we’re both not messily dead bodes well.

[LaFontaine and Perry enter]

And I say, “seriously, Nick? If you can’t even remember to keep the cage locked…”

Um, at what point in the last century did people give up on knocking?

Laura, the vampire’s loose. Why is the vampire loose?

I’ll get help!

No, Perry!

[Perry is gone]

Ahh!

Why would you let her go?!

I didn’t! It was beyond my control! But she really is on our side.

How do I know she hasn’t pod person-ed you? That you’re not just spouting the vampire company line?

It doesn’t work that way.

Yeah, completely plausible coming from you.

Do you want proof?

[To Carmilla]

You are literally the worst roommate ever.

You have been untied all of eight hours and there is already sludge in every surface of the bathroom.

And you just stole my pillow!

Good enough?

For now.

You said that’s not how it works, so how does it work? What happens to the girls you take?

I don’t know.

But whatever happens to them happens after I take them to my mother.

Wait, you’ve been taking girls for how many hundreds of years and you don’t even know what happens to them?

Um,

gee,

Mom.

feel like telling me the secrets of your antediluvian vampire cult today?

Oh, what’s that? No?

Okay. And you’ll use my head as a doorstop if I continue asking questions.

[Pause]

Whatever happens to them, it makes their blood undrinkable.

If it’s changing their blood chemistry, maybe it’s physically affecting their brains as well.

We really need to find out what that goo we’ve been finding in the rooms is.

See, look? You’re helping already.

Now we just have to get Betty and the other girls back.

Have I been stuttering when I’ve been talking about my mother?

There’s no getting them back. There’s just staying out of my mother’s way.

You’ve been saving girls!

No, I’ve just been screwing with mummy dearest’s minions to annoy her!

So, after everything that she’s done to you— to Ell— your big revenge is to be

annoying.

Aren’t you some centuries old badass?

Yeah, and you know how you get to be centuries old? You pick your battles.

My mother is an ancient supernatural being with the personal cabal of the undead.

You are an annoying teenager whose only real skill is being nosy.

But you’re not! You’re some super fast super strong vampire!

Yeah, and you’ve got a better chance of taking me down than I’ve ever had against my mother.

You feel like taking a shot?

[Perry runs back in with Danny]

See? She’s loose. I told you she was loose!

[holding up a stake] You. Me. Right now.