At some point, you don't have to keep making reference to

the fact that I'm the theatre critic for The New York Times.

-Finally, guru chicken.

-That's Chez Bretner.

He's on that show, Night Guard.

-An eye for an eye only ends up making

the whole world blind.

-I wouldn't be caught having sex with someone like Chez.

Oh, Chez.

-I hope you're cool with how I porked your girl last night.

I'm buying you brunch.

-I'm just tired of being that guy from

the Night Guard series.

I'm thinking about doing some downtown theater.

-Snicklepickercocker is my last name, which you wouldn't

know, because you didn't ask.

I'm gonna walk home.

[APPLAUSE]

-We are thrilled to welcome you.

Our inaugural production is going to be a staged reading

of Chez Bretner performing all his lines from original

scripts of every episode of the seven-year run of the

award-winning TV series Night Guard.

So turn off your cell phones and your beepers, unwrap your

little candies, and fasten your seat belts.

Because honey, I've seen it, and this is--

uh.

[APPLAUSE]

-Thank you so much.

Another day, another dollar.

Take him away, Chief Martin.

[LAUGHS]

I wish I thought of that.

I agree, thanks.

You too.

Hey, you go get some rest.

I guess I did.

Daddy, I was the one who was left behind.

Not you.

Not you.

Yes.

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.

AUDIENCE: Mmmm.

[APPLAUSE]

-David.

Hey.

-Kelly.

-Hi.

-Oh.

-Um, well, sometimes you gotta review the stinkers, huh?

-Yeah.

Yeah.

-Well, I'm glad to see you and Chez are still friends after

the other day.

I feel really terrible about my behavior, by the way.

It was totally inexcusable.

-Don't worry.

I forgot all about it.

-You forgot that I burger-doinked Chez?

-No.

I didn't forget.

At all.

-Oh, oh

-I'd just like to forget.

-Oh, OK.

Can I buy you a drink?

Make up for it?

-You wanna buy me a drink?

-I wanna buy you a drink.

-How 'bout, uh, I'll buy you one and you buy me one.

-Oh.

-It's a wash.

-[LAUGHS]

DAVID (OFFSCREEN): Anyway, I'm like, Mom, I'm awake.

Change my diaper already.

But that was like 40 years ago now, so.

-[LAUGHS]

I forgot how old you were.

I thought you were just tired.

ARIELLE: Wow.

-Wha?

Got over me real quick, huh.

-Arielle, what are you doing here?

-I mop up the floors in East Village bars.

It's my night job.

Maybe you would have known that if you ever asked me

about anything other than Rosewood Junction.

-Bet you can't have a day job, because a girl that homely?

She can only work nights when the shadows are her friends.

DAVID (OFFSCREEN): Uh, OK.

Um.

Kelly, this is Arielle Snicklepickercocker.

Arielle, Snicklepickercocker, this is Kelly something.

She's the theater critic from The New York Times.

-The Times.

-Mm-hm.

-That's a paper that's gone downhill, huh?

Pretty sure that Gray Lady needs some Geritol.

-I think you need some Geritol, you stupid dummy.

-[GASP]

You are--

-Wait.

An eye for an eye only makes the whole world go blind.

-You're right.

-So insightful.

-You like what I said?

-Yeah.

Yeah, we both liked what you said.

-I like what you said.

-And I like what you said.

Oh, yeah.

-I always wanted to be double-teamed by a

reader and a writer.

-Well, that's what's happening.