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  • HE GENERALLY

  • CANNOT HEAR ANYTHING.

  • IT'S JUST TRUE.

  • WOMEN AREN'T LIKE THAT.

  • WOMEN CAN DO LOTS OF THINGS,

  • AND HOLDING THREE

  • DIFFERENT CONVERSATIONS.

  • [imitates computer]

  • YOU KNOW?

  • SHE'LL WALK INTO A ROOM,

  • AND SHE'LL SEE HER HUSBAND

  • READING A NEWSPAPER.

  • AND SHE ASSUMES, "I MULTITASK.

  • THEREFORE, HE MUST MULTITASK."

  • BUT HE'S RUNNING

  • THE NEWSPAPER-READING PROGRAM,

  • AND HE CAN ONLY RUN

  • ONE PROGRAM AT A TIME.

  • [imitates computer]

  • HE'S NOT HEARING JACK.

  • AND THIS MAKES WOMEN VERY ANGRY.

  • BUT YOU JUST NEED TO COME OVER,

  • AND YOU'VE GOTTA CLOSE

  • THE NEWSPAPER-READING PROGRAM.

  • YOU'VE GOTTA LOAD

  • THE LISTEN-TO-ME PROGRAM.

  • BUT YOU GOTTA WAIT A MINUTE.

  • HE NEEDS TO REBOOT.

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: "I DIDN'T KNOW

  • YOU WAS HERE."

  • YOU KNOW?

  • YOU LAUGH,

  • BUT I'M SERIOUS, GIRLS.

  • IF YOU SEE

  • A MAN DOING SOMETHING,

  • UNLESS HE'S WIRED DIFFERENTLY,

  • DO NOT BE GIVING HIM

  • VITAL INFORMATION.

  • 'CAUSE THIS IS

  • A TRAIN WRECK WAITING TO HAPPEN.

  • YOU'LL HAVE

  • THIS CONVERSATION AGAIN.

  • WHEN YOU SWEAR HE TOLD YOU,

  • AND HE SWEARS

  • YOU NEVER TOLD HIM.

  • YOU KNOW YOU TOLD HIM,

  • BUT IN HIS BRAIN,

  • YOU NEVER SAID JACK TO HIM.

  • >> [audience cheering]

  • >> Mark: THE PROBLEM HERE IS,

  • GUYS, WE GET OURSELVES

  • IN TROUBLE BECAUSE MEN HAVE

  • THIS NATURAL DEFENSE MECHANISM

  • THAT, AT ALL COSTS,

  • DO NOT STOP DOING

  • WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

  • SO WHEN SOMEBODY

  • STARTS TALKING TO YOU,

  • WE AUTOMATICALLY HAVE

  • THIS DEFENSE MECHANISM

  • THAT GOES, "UH-HUH.

  • YEP. UH-HUH.

  • UH-HUH."

  • AND WE KEEP DOIN'

  • WHAT WE'RE DOIN',

  • AND SHE THINKS YOU'RE LISTENING.

  • BUT YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.

  • YOU NEED TO STOP--

  • YOU'RE A BIG BOY.

  • STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING,

  • TURN TO THE GIRL,

  • AND PAY ATTENTION TO HER.

  • SO IT'S NOT ALL ON THE LADIES.

  • YOU'RE BIG BOYS.

  • WHEN SHE STARTS TALKING, STOP.

  • LISTEN TO THE GIRL.

  • AND THEN LET HIM GO

  • BACK TO WHAT HE WAS DOING.

  • SOUNDS FAIR, RIGHT?

  • >> [audience applauding]

  • >> Mark: WELL,

  • I STARTED DOING THIS,

  • AND I THOUGHT, "THIS IS GREAT.

  • I'M DOING A LOT BETTER.

  • YOU KNOW, I'M WATCHING

  • THE SINGLE-TASKING.

  • YEAH. OKAY.

  • WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?"

  • AND I'LL SAY,

  • "I DIDN'T HEAR THAT."

  • AND I'LL MAKE HER BACK UP,

  • AND SHE'LL TELL ME

  • THE INFO, AND I GOT IT.

  • OKAY, OKAY.

  • AND I THOUGHT I WAS DOING

  • A LOT BETTER, BUT STILL,

  • I WAS GETTING MYSELF IN TROUBLE.

  • SHE'D WALK UP AND SAY,

  • "IT'S 6:00. ARE YOU READY?"

  • "FOR WHAT?"

  • YOU KNOW, THAT HAPPENED

  • TO HALF YOU GUYS TONIGHT, RIGHT?

  • "WE'RE DOIN' WHAT?"

  • "I TOLD YOU."

  • "NO, YOU DIDN'T."

  • "YES, I DID."

  • AND OFF TO THE RACES

  • WE WOULD GO.

  • YAHH!

  • AND I THOUGHT,

  • "MAN, WHAT IN THE WORLD?"

  • 'CAUSE I'M WATCHING

  • THE SINGLE-TASKING.

  • I DON'T REMEMBER

  • HER SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT--

  • AND I THOUGHT

  • I WAS LOSING MY HEARING.

  • SO I WENT TO A DOCTOR.

  • TRUE STORY.

  • I WENT TO THE DOCTOR.

  • I WENT TO THE DOCTOR.

  • I WALKED IN.

  • HE SAID, "HOW YOU DOING?"

  • I SAID, "I'M OKAY."

  • HE SAYS, "WHAT SEEMS

  • TO BE THE PROBLEM?"

  • I SAID, "WELL, I THINK

  • I'M LOSING MY HEARING."

  • AND HE SAYS,

  • "WELL, YOU'RE GETTIN'

  • UP THERE IN AGE, YOU KNOW?

  • EARS ARE ONE

  • OF THE FIRST THINGS TO GO."

  • AND I SAID,

  • "WELL, THAT'S ONE OF THE FIRST?

  • I CAN HANDLE THAT."

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: WE'LL TALK

  • MORE ABOUT THAT TOMORROW.

  • BUT, UH-- SO HE SAYS,

  • "WELL, GO OVER

  • TO NURSE CRATCHETT.

  • SHE'LL TEST YOUR EARS."

  • YOU KNOW.

  • SO I FOUND THE LADY,

  • AND SHE AND I WALK

  • INTO THIS ROOM.

  • AND THEY GOT

  • THIS CHEAP BOX ON A TABLE,

  • WITH SOME REAL

  • CHINTZY HEADPHONES.

  • AND SHE SAYS,

  • "ALL RIGHT, NOW,

  • PUT ON YOUR HEADPHONES.

  • WHEN YOU HEAR THE BEEP,

  • RAISE YOUR HAND.

  • IF YOU DON'T HEAR THE BEEP,

  • DON'T RAISE YOUR HAND."

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: APPARENTLY,

  • I LOOK REALLY STUPID.

  • SO, ANYWAY,

  • I TURNED AROUND AND WE BEGAN.

  • [imitates beeping

  • high, low tones]

  • PRETTY SOON,

  • SHE GOES, "REALLY?

  • YOU CAN HEAR ALL THAT?"

  • I TURNED AROUND AND SAID,

  • "YEAH, WHY?"

  • SHE'S HITTING THE BOX.

  • [imitates striking]

  • "I DON'T KNOW.

  • PIECE OF JUNK.

  • WHAT'S THE MATTER

  • WITH THIS THING?"

  • I SAID, "WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?"

  • "ACCORDING TO THIS,

  • YOU CAN HEAR

  • WHAT CATS AND DOGS CAN HEAR.

  • I DON'T KNOW WHAT--"

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: SHE'S HITTING THE BOX.

  • SHE SAYS, "I'M GONNA SEND YOU

  • TO A SPECIALIST."

  • YOU EVER BEEN

  • TO THE SPECIALIST?

  • YOU KNOW, THEY GOT

  • THIS YO-MAMA SOUNDPROOF ROOM.

  • YOU KNOW, THE THICK DOOR.

  • YOU KNOW?

  • [imitates hydraulics]

  • [no sound]

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: YOU KNOW?

  • YOU GOT THE PERSON

  • SITTING BEHIND THE GLASS.

  • YOU KNOW, YOU FEEL

  • LIKE YOU'RE

  • IN A PEOPLE AQUARIUM.

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: "SIR,

  • WOULD YOU SIT DOWN?"

  • BUT, UH, ANYWAY,

  • SO AT THE TIME, WE LIVED

  • IN GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN.

  • AND RIGHT DOWNTOWN IN GREEN BAY,

  • THERE WAS A PLACE CALLED,

  • EYE AND EAR ASSOCIATES.

  • I'D NEVER HEARD OF THEM BEFORE.

  • I HAD NO REASON

  • TO HEAR FROM THEM.

  • BUT SHE SAID,

  • "I'M GONNA SEND YOU

  • TO THESE PEOPLE.

  • THEY HAVE

  • ALL THIS FANCY EQUIPMENT."

  • AND SO SHE TAKES

  • THE DOCTOR'S PAD AND WRITES,

  • "EYE, EAR,"

  • AND SHE ABBREVIATES "ASSOCIATES"

  • AND HANDS IT TO ME.

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • I SAID, "UH, WHAT KIND

  • OF DOCTOR IS THIS?"

  • TRUE STORY.

  • SHE SAYS, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

  • I SAID, "I HEARD

  • OF EYE, EAR, AND THROAT."

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: "I NEVER HEARD

  • OF THIS."

  • SHE SAID,

  • "LET ME SEE THAT.

  • OH! I'M SO EMBARRASSED.

  • I'M SO EMBARRASSED."

  • SO SHE WROTE OUT, "ASSOCIATES."

  • I WENT, "OH! OH. OKAY.

  • THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE

  • IN FOR A VERY UNCOMFORTABLE TEST

  • THERE FOR A MINUTE."

  • SO I GO

  • TO THE EYE, EAR, AND...

  • YOU KNOW, DOCTOR.

  • AND, UM...

  • I GET IN THERE, AND I SIT DOWN,

  • AND SHE'S BEHIND THE GLASS,

  • AND SHE HAS TO PUSH

  • THE BUTTON TO TALK.

  • "OKAY, NOW PUT ON

  • THE HEADPHONES.

  • WHEN YOU HEAR THE BEEP..."

  • SPIN AROUND, AND WE BEGAN.

  • [imitates high, low beeping]

  • I KID YOU NOT.

  • SHE GOES, "REALLY?

  • YOU CAN HEAR ALL THAT?"

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: I FELT LIKE A MORON.

  • ALL RIGHT?

  • I TAKE THE PRINTOUT

  • TO THE SPECIALIST.

  • HE GOES,

  • "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

  • YOU HAVE BETTER EARS THAN ME."

  • I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

  • SHE ASKED ME,

  • 'ARE YOU READY AT 6:00?'

  • AND SO WE SAID--" [mumbling]

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: SO I GO HOME.

  • I WALK IN THE DOOR,

  • AND SHE SAYS,

  • "WELL, WHAT'D THE DOCTOR SAY?"

  • SHE DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THAT,

  • BY THE WAY.

  • [laughing]

  • I SAY THAT,

  • BECAUSE PEOPLE USED TO COME

  • UP TO ME AND SAY,

  • "YOU KNOW, SHE DOESN'T HAVE

  • A VOICE LIKE THAT."

  • I DO IT FOR EFFECT.

  • BY THE WAY,

  • WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 32 YEARS.

  • >> [audience applauding]

  • >> Mark: WE HAVE TWO GRANDSONS.

  • VERY COOL.

  • BEAUTIFUL BOYS.

  • ONE IS 10 MONTHS OLD,

  • AND THE OTHER ONE IS EIGHT.

  • AND THEY'RE JUST SUCH A DELIGHT.

  • I LOVE GRANDCHILDREN,

  • 'CAUSE NOW IT'S PAYBACK.

  • "COME HERE!

  • YOU WANT SOME MORE SUGAR?

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • OKAY! 'BYE!"

  • [maniacal laughter]

  • YOU KNOW?

  • MY SON, PHILIP,

  • IS HERE WITH US.

  • HE'S RUNNING THE AUDIO.

  • AND ON OUR

  • 30th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY,

  • PHILIP GIVES ME A CALL UP,

  • AND HE SAYS, "HEY, DAD.

  • THIRTY YEARS.

  • THAT'S REALLY SOMETHING."

  • I SAID,

  • "WELL, THANK YOU, SIR."

  • I SAID, "BUT TRUTHFULLY, PHIL,"

  • I SAID, "YOU KNOW,

  • IT FEELS LIKE 10 MINUTES."

  • HE GOES, "REALLY?"

  • I SAID, "YEAH:

  • 10 MINUTES...

  • UNDERWATER."

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: [laughs]

  • OH, LIGHTEN UP!

  • ALL THE GIRLS,

  • "OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE

  • HE SAID THAT.

  • WHAT IS SHE GONNA THINK?

  • AAAH!"

  • IT'S JUST THE JOKE BOX.

  • ALL RIGHT?

  • JUST A JOKE.

  • SO I COME BACK

  • FROM MY EAR THING.

  • SHE SAID,

  • "WELL, WHAT DID THEY SAY?"

  • "WELL, THEY SAID I CAN HEAR

  • WHAT CATS AND DOGS CAN HEAR."

  • SHE SAYS,

  • "THAT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

  • YOUR PROBLEM IS,

  • YOU JUST DON'T PAY ATTENTION."

  • AND I THOUGHT,

  • "BUT I'VE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION.

  • I WAS WATCHING

  • THIS SINGLE-TASKING THING,"

  • AND I THOUGHT,

  • "I'M GONNA DO A TEST:

  • I WANT TO SEE HOW FAR

  • SHE GETS AWAY

  • BEFORE I CAN'T HEAR HER."

  • SO THE NEXT THING,

  • WE WERE SITTING IN THE KITCHEN,

  • AND SHE COMES UP,

  • AND SHE'S TALKING TO ME.

  • "LA, LA, LA, LA."

  • AND I GO, "UH-HUH."

  • AND SHE WALKS

  • A LITTLE BIT FURTHER AWAY.

  • SHE SAYS, "LA, LA, LA, LA."

  • OKAY, I CAN HEAR THAT.

  • AND SHE GOES

  • A LITTLE FURTHER AWAY.

  • "LA, LA, LA, LA."

  • JUST DOING

  • THE MULTITASKING THING.

  • THEN SHE GOES

  • INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

  • [quietly] "LA, LA, LA, LA."

  • AND NOW SHE GOES

  • INTO ANOTHER ROOM.

  • SHE'S NOW

  • ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE,

  • STILL TALKING TO ME!

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: I SAID, "HEY!"

  • SHE YELLS BACK, "WHAT?!"

  • "I'M ON THE OTHER SIDE

  • OF THE HOUSE!"

  • SHE GOES,

  • "AH, YOU DON'T LISTEN ANYWAY."

  • >> [audience cheering]

  • >> Mark: THE NEXT DAY,

  • I CAUGHT HER.

  • THIS TIME SHE GOES UPSTAIRS.

  • SHE'S ON ANOTHER FLOOR,

  • STILL GIVING ME

  • VITAL INFORMATION!

  • THAT'S WHEN

  • IT STARTED DAWNING ON ME,

  • "WAIT A MINUTE.

  • WE MIGHT SINGLE-TASK,

  • BUT THESE WOMEN SO MULTITASK,

  • THEY JUST KEEP DOING

  • WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

  • AND WHETHER OR NOT

  • YOU'RE IN THE SAME AREA CODE

  • IS 'IRREVELANT.'

  • RELEVANT." IRRELEVANT.

  • THAT'S THE WORD.

  • [imitates computer]

  • HAD A GUY, THE OTHER DAY, SAYS,

  • "YOU KNOW, MY WIFE'S LIKE THAT.

  • SHE'LL JUST--

  • SHE'LL BE TALKING TO ME.

  • SHE'S BY THE DRYER,

  • AND SHE'LL BE TELLING ME

  • SOMETHING IMPORTANT.

  • 'LA, LA, LA, LA.'

  • SHE'LL STICK HER HEAD

  • IN THE DRYER, AND--"

  • [imitates mumbling]

  • "'LA, LA, LA!

  • AND BOY, YOU BETTER

  • DO THAT, OR..."

  • [mumbling]

  • "...OR YOU'RE GONNA BE

  • IN BIG TROUBLE!"

  • SHE STILL DOES THAT TO ME.

  • SHE'LL-- WE'LL BE, LIKE,

  • A REAL BUSY HIGHWAY.

  • [imitates cars zooming]

  • ALL KINDS OF NOISE.

  • AND SHE'LL BE TALKING.

  • "YOU KNOW SOMETHING

  • THAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT...

  • [mumbling]

  • ...SO YOU BETTER

  • BE CAREFUL ABOUT--"

  • "WHAT? I DIDN'T HEAR

  • WHAT YOU SAID!"

  • THE LAWS OF PHYSICS, GIRLS.

  • IT APPLIES TO YOU.

  • IT WOULD HELP

  • IF YOUR HUSBAND WAS

  • IN THE SAME AREA CODE!

  • OKAY.

  • NOW, I FIRST SHARED THIS STORY

  • AT A MEN'S CONFERENCE

  • THAT I WAS SPEAKING AT.

  • AND I THOUGHT

  • IT WAS JUST A FUNNY STORY

  • THAT HAPPENED TO ME.

  • BUT AS I'M SHARING IT,

  • ALL THESE MEN'S HEADS

  • ARE GOING...

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: HAD ONE GUY

  • COME UP TO ME AFTERWARDS.

  • HE SAYS, "YOU KNOW, PASTOR,

  • I'LL BE IN THE BATHROOM.

  • THE DOOR IS CLOSED."

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: "THE FAN IS ON."

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: "THERE'S

  • TILE EVERYWHERE,

  • SO SOUND BOUNCES AROUND

  • IN THERE.

  • I'M STANDING THERE.

  • ALL I CAN HEAR IS

  • THE SOUND OF RUSHING WATER.

  • AND SHE'S STILL TALKING TO ME!"

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: GIRLS,

  • DON'T BE SO MULTITASKING

  • THAT YOU'RE DOIN'

  • A GAZILLION THINGS,

  • GIVING HIM VITAL INFORMATION.

  • ALL RIGHT?

  • AND ESPECIALLY

  • IF HE'S DOING SOMETHING.

  • I'M TELLING YOU,

  • THIS SIMPLE THING

  • THAT I'M TALKING TO YOU

  • CREATES MORE ARGUMENTS

  • AND MORE FRUSTRATIONS

  • IN MARRIAGES,

  • AND WE'RE FIGHTING OVER NOTHIN'!

  • WELL, YOU KNOW

  • YOU'RE REALLY MARRIED

  • TO A MULTITASKER

  • WHEN, DURING A MOMENT

  • OF INTIMATE PASSION...

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: ...SHE SUDDENLY

  • BLURTS OUT,

  • "OH, BY THE WAY,

  • THE PLUMBER SAYS

  • THE TOILETS ARE BROKEN."

  • >> [audience applauding]

  • >> Mark: "FOCUS, WOMAN! FOCUS!"

  • BUT MAN,

  • SHE CAN MAKE LOVE TO YOU

  • AND PLAN NEXT WEEK'S DINNERS

  • AND, YOU KNOW, JUST--

  • YOU KNOW, THINK

  • ABOUT THE TOILETS.

  • IT'S ALL THE SAME TO HER.

  • [imitates computer]

  • I NEED MY TABLET BACK UP HERE.

  • I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

  • IN NO OTHER AREA,

  • MEN'S BRAINS AND WOMEN'S BRAINS,

  • DO MEN AND WOMEN THINK

  • MORE DIFFERENTLY

  • THAN IN THIS AREA OF SEX.

  • AND I WILL GET INTO IT

  • IN A LOT MORE DETAIL TOMORROW.

  • BUT I WANT TO SHOW YOU

  • SOMETHING HERE

  • THAT I THINK WILL BE

  • OF GREAT INTEREST TO YOU.

  • GIVE MY LOVELY ASSISTANT A HAND.

  • >> [audience applauding]

  • >> Mark: NOW, SEX IS

  • A PRETTY BIG ISSUE,

  • PARTICULARLY FOR MEN.

  • FOR US, OUR SEXUAL INTEREST

  • PEAKS AT ABOUT AGE 18,

  • AND THEN GOES DOWN FROM THERE.

  • SO IF YOU WERE TO CHART IT OUT,

  • IT WOULD LOOK LIKE

  • SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

  • IT PEAKS AT ABOUT AGE 18,

  • AND THEN GOES DOWN...

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: AND THEN YOU'RE DEAD.

  • >> [audience applauding]

  • >> Mark: NOW,

  • SOMETHING THAT'S IMPORTANT

  • FOR A WOMAN TO UNDERSTAND:

  • WHEN IT COMES TO THIS AREA,

  • WE'RE NO LONGER DRIVEN SO MUCH

  • BY OUR BRAINS OR BY OUR HEARTS,

  • BUT IT'S BY A CHEMICAL.

  • IT'S CALLED TESTOSTERONE.

  • AND IT RUNS THROUGH OUR BLOOD--

  • [laughs]

  • [imitates lion roaring]

  • IT RUNS THROUGH OUR BLOOD,

  • AND IT DRIVES US CRAZY.

  • JUST-- [imitates machinery]

  • IF YOU GIRLS KNEW

  • HOW MUCH THIS DROVE US CRAZY,

  • YOU'D BE MORE DISGUSTED WITH US

  • THAN YOU ARE RIGHT NOW.

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: WE DOWNPLAY IT, MAN.

  • AND IT'S-- I'M TELLING YOU--

  • AND AS FUNNY

  • AS THIS LITTLE CHART IS,

  • AND AS TRUE AS IT IS

  • FOR SO MANY MEN--

  • IF FOR SOME REASON,

  • AS A MAN AGES,

  • HIS TESTOSTERONE LEVELS

  • START TO DECLINE,

  • HIS INTEREST IN SEX

  • WILL START TO DECLINE.

  • AND IF IT--

  • IF HIS TESTOSTERONE LEVEL

  • DROPS DRAMATICALLY,

  • HIS INTEREST WILL GO WAY DOWN.

  • SAME HEAD, SAME HEART, SAME GUY,

  • AND NOW

  • HE'S NOT INTERESTED IN SEX.

  • YOU TREAT THAT MAN--

  • AND IT'S VERY EASY TO DO--

  • WITH TESTOSTERONE SUPPLEMENTS,

  • AND BOOM!

  • HE'S THE SAME WILD MAN

  • YOU MARRIED.

  • SAME HEAD, SAME HEART, SAME GUY.

  • NOW HE'S-- [imitates machinery]

  • "COME HERE, BABY."

  • ALL RIGHT?

  • SO THIS IS NOT

  • BECAUSE WE'RE SICKOS.

  • IT'S NOT BECAUSE WE'RE PERVERTS.

  • IT'S NOT 'CAUSE WE'RE BROKEN.

  • GOD WIRED US THIS WAY,

  • AND HE DID IT ON PURPOSE.

  • "WHAT WAS THAT PURPOSE?"

  • [laughing]

  • I'M GONNA SHOW YOU IN A MINUTE.

  • BUT YOU JUST NEED

  • TO REALLY UNDERSTAND THIS.

  • AND THE TRUTH IS,

  • WHEN WE GET THIS RUSH

  • OF TESTOSTERONE,

  • IT JUST MESSES WITH US.

  • NOW, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,

  • DON'T RAISE YOU HANDS. BUT...

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: ...MOST MEN WILL ADMIT

  • THAT WE USUALLY RECEIVE

  • A TESTOSTERONE RUSH,

  • USUALLY VERY EARLY

  • IN THE MORNING.

  • AND FOR NO REASON AT ALL...

  • ♪ [hums, "La Marsaillaise"]

  • TEN-HUT!

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: AND THEN

  • JUST WAKES US UP.

  • JUST-- [gasping]

  • WE'RE NOT THINKING

  • ABOUT ANYTHING.

  • ALL RIGHT?

  • AND THAT'S USUALLY

  • WHEN A MAN REACHES OVER

  • AND WHISPERS THOSE THREE WORDS

  • EVERY WOMAN LOVES TO HEAR:

  • "HEY, YOU AWAKE?"

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: WE'LL BE TALKING

  • MORE ABOUT THAT TOMORROW, OKAY?

  • ALL RIGHT. SO WHY--

  • WHY DOES GOD WIRE MEN

  • THIS WAY?

  • NOW, TO EXPLAIN THIS,

  • I NEED TO DO AN ANATOMY LESSON.

  • OKAY? Y'ALL OKAY?

  • "HANG ON, MARVIN!

  • HE'S GONNA DRAW PICTURES."

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: IT'LL BE OKAY.

  • WE'LL KEEP IT CLEAN, OKAY?

  • NOW, WE'LL CALL THIS

  • THE GIRL'S HEART.

  • AND IN THE INTEREST

  • IN KEEPING EVERYTHING

  • AT LEAST PG-13,

  • WE WILL REFER TO THIS AS,

  • "THE PLACE OF HAPPINESS."

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: I HAD A LADY

  • COME UP TO ME RECENTLY,

  • AND SHE GOES,

  • "NOW I CAN'T EVEN GO

  • TO WALMART ANYMORE.

  • SMILEY FACES

  • ALL OVER THE PLACE!

  • IT'S LIKE-- AH! AAH!"

  • [imitates weeping]

  • >> [audience laughing]

  • >> Mark: NOW,

  • AT SOME FUNDAMENTAL LEVEL,

  • THIS IS EVERY MAN'S

HE GENERALLY

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