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(applause)
>> THANK YOU, I HAVE-- WHOA.
THAT SEEMS REALLY LOUD TO ME.
BUT I DO HAVE ONE ANNOUNCEMENT.
DR. SOBIE'S STUDENTS-- IF YOU WANT TO GET CREDIT
FOR BEING HERE, AFTER THE LECTURE,
YOU NEED TO MEET WITH HER ON THE OUTSIDE
AND SHE'LL SIGN YOU IN.
OBVIOUSLY YOU KNOW WHY WE'RE HERE,
TO TALK ABOUT THE PSYCHOLOGY OF LOVE.
WE'RE GOING TO LOOK AT IT THROUGH SEVERAL LENSES.
WE ARE GOING TO LOOK AT IT
THROUGH THE SCIENCE OF PSYCHOLOGY,
SO WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED ABOUT LOVE,
LOOKING AT IT AS A DISCIPLINE.
WE'RE GOING TO LOOK AT WHAT CAUSES US TO BE ATTRACTED,
WHAT CAUSES US TO PAIR UP,
HOW MIGHT WE BE MORE SUCCESSFUL IN THAT,
AND THEN WE'RE ALSO GOING TO LOOK
AT SOME OF THE UNHEALTHY PARTS OF PAIRING UP,
AND WAYS IN WHICH WE MIGHT MANAGE THAT,
AND WE'RE ALSO GOING TO LOOK AT THINGS
LIKE BREAKING UP AND DIVORCE,
BECAUSE THAT'S ALSO A PART OF OUR LIVES.
AND SO, HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN AND HOW MIGHT WE MANAGE IT BETTER,
SHOULD THAT HAPPEN TO ONE OF US.
SO, I WANT TO START WITH SOME IMAGES,
AND I WANT YOU TO IMAGINE OR HELP ME THINK ABOUT,
YOU KNOW, ARE THESE IMAGES OF LOVE?
OR NOT? (audience chuckling)
I WAS PREPARED BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT QUITE.
NOW WE'LL SEE.
YES!
LOVE? >> (all) YES.
>> WE HOPE SO, RIGHT?
THEY'RE GETTING MARRIED-- IT WOULD BE A GOOD TIME
TO BE IN LOVE. (audience laughing)
HOW ABOUT THIS?
LOVE?
PROBABLY, RIGHT?
MORE LOVE?
LOVE? >> YES.
>> YUP.
OOO, WHAT ABOUT THIS? >> (all) NO.
>> YEAH, THEY COULD BE.
WE HAVE BAD DAYS, BUT MAYBE NOT.
WHAT ABOUT THIS?
IT'S SORT OF A LOW RUMBLING, RIGHT?
NOT SURE-- MAYBE?
HOPEFULLY NOT?
WHAT ABOUT THAT? >> (all) NO.
>> SO, WHAT IS LOVE?
WE SAW SOME IMAGES AND ONE OF THE THINGS, CLEARLY,
REGARDLESS OF THE LAST COUPLE TWO,
IT'S PROBABLY FAIR TO SAY THAT WHEN WE TALK ABOUT LOVE,
WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT ONE THING.
BUT THE KIND OF LOVE YOU EXPERIENCE IN YOUR LIFE VARIES.
THE LOVE THAT YOU HAVE FOR YOUR BROTHER OR YOUR SISTER
IS DIFFERENT THAN THE LOVE THAT YOU HAVE FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND
OR YOUR GIRLFRIEND,
WHICH IS DIFFERENT THAN THE LOVE
THAT YOU HAVE FOR YOUR GRANDPARENTS
OR FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND.
SO, ONE OF THE THINGS WE KNOW IN DOING FACTOR ANALYSIS--
AND FACTOR ANALYSIS IS ESSENTIALLY WHEN WE TAKE A LOOK
AT ATTRIBUTES THAT ARE PRESENT IN PEOPLE'S LIVES,
AND YOU CAN DO FACTOR ANALYSIS AROUND ANYTHING,
BUT WHAT WE LOOK AT IS PEOPLE IN LOVE
OR PEOPLE WHO HAVE LOVE,
CONNECTIONS BETWEEN RELATIONSHIPS,
AND WHAT ARE THE CATEGORIES THAT EMERGE
OVER STUDYING THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE
WHO ARE IN LOVING RELATIONSHIPS?
DR. STERNBERG IS PROBABLY THE BIGGEST AUTHORITY.
I GOING TO BET MANY OF YOU HAVE SEEN WHAT I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU,
BECAUSE WE COVER IT ESSENTIALLY IN EVERY CLASS.
WE COVER IT IN GENERAL PSYCHOLOGY,
WE COVER IT IN DEVELOPMENTAL PSYCHOLOGY,
WE COVER IT IN SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY...
MAYBE NOT IN LEARNING.
CLEARLY NOT IN LEARNING.
BUT WHAT STERNBERG HAS TOLD US--
AGAIN, THROUGH THIS FACTOR ANALYSIS MODEL--
IS THAT THERE ARE THREE ELEMENTS OF LOVE
WHICH WE CAN COMBINE IN MULTIPLE WAYS.
WE'LL START DOWN HERE.
THAT YOU CAN HAVE LOVE THAT IS BASED ENTIRELY ON PASSION.
THIS IS THAT...
INNATE, PHYSICAL ATTRACTION TO SOMEBODY.
THIS IS, "I WANT TO TOUCH THEM.
"I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM.
"I WANT--" YOU KNOW, DEPENDING ON THEIR DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES.
BUT THIS IS THAT PHYSICAL ATTRACTION.
INTIMACY.
INTIMACY IS THAT KIND OF LOVE
THAT YOU HAVE FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND, WHERE--
THIS IS WHERE YOU SHARE YOUR DEEPEST FEELINGS
AND EMOTIONS,
THAT YOU KNOW YOU CAN TRUST THIS PERSON.
IF YOU TELL THEM A SECRET,
THEY'RE GOING TO KEEP IT FOR YOU.
COMMITMENT.
SOME OF THE THEORISTS NOW ARE ADDING, WHICH I LIKE,
IS "CHOICE" TO THIS,
ALTHOUGH STERNBERG'S MODEL USES "COMMITMENT."
BUT I LIKE THE IDEA OF COMMITMENT/CHOICE.
THIS IS THIS IDEA THAT YOU ARE COMMITTED TO A RELATIONSHIP,
THAT YOU ARE CHOOSING TO BE IN THE RELATIONSHIP,
AND THERE ARE EXAMPLES OF WHERE THAT HAPPENS,
WHERE THAT ONLY HAPPENS.
YOU'RE CHOOSING TO STAY MARRIED BECAUSE OF THE FAMILY.
YOU'RE CHOOSING TO STAY MARRIED BECAUSE OF FINANCIAL REASONS.
THERE ARE OTHER EXAMPLES OF THIS-- YOU KNOW, YOU MAY NOT--
CLEARLY YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE PASSION
FOR YOUR ELDERLY GRANDMOTHER, AND YOU MAY NOT HAVE--
IF YOU'RE LUCKY, YOU MAY HAVE,
BUT NOT EVERYONE CAN TELL THEIR GRANDMOTHER
THEIR DEEPEST SECRETS...
BUT YOU WOULD CARE FOR YOUR GRANDMOTHER IF SHE NEEDS IT.
SO, WE COULD HAVE ANY ONE OF THESE THREE.
BUT THEN, WE CAN ALSO START HAVING MULTIPLE VERSIONS OF IT.
COMPANIONATE LOVE IS WHERE WE HAVE BOTH INTIMACY
AND WHERE WE HAVE COMMITMENT.
AND FOR MOST OF US, THIS WOULD BE THE BEST FRIEND IN OUR LIFE.
THAT PERSON THAT WE REALLY ARE COMMITTED TO THEM.
WE ARE GOING TO CHOOSE TO MAKE THIS RELATIONSHIP WORK,
"I WANT TO MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP TO WORK,
"AND I KNOW THAT I CAN TRUST THEM EMOTIONALLY."
A ROMANTIC LOVE IS WHERE YOU HAVE INTIMACY AND PASSION
BUT NO COMMITMENT.
SO IT MAY NOT LAST VERY LONG,
BUT IT'S A WHOLE LOT OF FUN WHILE IT HAPPENS.
WE CAN TRAVEL AND SHARE THINGS AND JUST ROMP THROUGH THE HAY
AND DO ALL OF THOSE COOL THINGS, BUT YOU KNOW,
THE IDEA OF MAKING IT WORK--
ONCE ONE OF THOSE WANES, NOT SO MUCH.
PASSION AND COMMITMENT IS SIMPLY A RELATIONSHIP BASED ON SEX.
NO, PASSION ISN'T JUST SEX,
BUT IT REALLY IS THAT EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.
OF COURSE, WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR, AT LEAST IN OUR CULTURE,
IS CONSUMMATE LOVE WHERE WE HAVE ALL THREE.
THE VALUE OF HAVING MORE THAN ONE INTERSECTION
OF THESE IS THAT,
AS WE'LL TALK ABOUT IN A FEW MOMENTS, THESE WANE.
THAT IN A RELATIONSHIP, PASSION CAN COME AND GO.
YOU HAVE CHILDREN, PASSION DROPS.
YOU HAVE A LOT OF STRESS AT SCHOOL OR WORK,
PASSION CAN DROP.
INTIMACY-- "YOU KNOW, I JUST CAN'T TALK TO THIS PERSON RIGHT NOW."
SO, WHAT HAPPENS IS BY HAVING MORE CONNECTIONS,
YOU INCREASE THE PROBABILITY
OF A RELATIONSHIP SUSTAINING ITSELF.
I'M GOING TO SHARE WITH YOU A SINGULAR DEFINITION NOW
WHICH I THINK CUTS THROUGH ALL OF THE OTHER PIECES
AND MAKES LOVE A FAIRLY SIMPLE MEASURE.
THIS COMES FROM-- ORIGINALLY THE WORK OF PSYCHOLOGIST
OF ERICH FROMM.
M. SCOTT PECK IS PROBABLY THE ONE WHO PROBABLY MADE IT
MOST AVAILABLE TO THE PUBLIC.
OTHERS HAVE USED IT SINCE THEN, BUT DEFINES LOVE
AS "THE WILL TO EXTEND ONESELF FOR THE PURPOSE
"OF NURTURING ONE'S OWN OR ANOTHER'S SPIRITUAL GROWTH."
I LOVE THIS DEFINITION, BECAUSE IT MAKES IT REALLY SIMPLE
TO MAKE SENSE OUT OF, "IS THIS A LOVING RELATIONSHIP?"
AND BY "SPIRITUAL GROWTH," WHAT PECK AND HOOKS AND FROMM
AND OTHERS WHO USE THIS DEFINITION MEAN
IS HOW YOU CONNECT YOUR LIFE TO SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU,
HELP YOU GROW AND DEVELOP AS A PERSON,
HELP YOU HAVE MEANING AND PURPOSE IN YOUR LIFE,
HELP YOU FIND MEANING AND PURPOSE IN YOUR LIFE,
AND HAVE IT MANIFEST IN YOUR LIFE.
AND SO, A LOVING RELATIONSHIP SHOULD DO THAT.
BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEBODY
THAT IS A LOVING RELATIONSHIP
SHOULD MAKE YOU AND YOUR PARTNER OR YOUR FRIEND A BETTER PERSON.
IF IT'S NOT, THEN IT'S PROBABLY NOT LOVE.
IT MAY BE VALUABLE, BUT IT'S PROBABLY NOT LOVE.
SO, WHAT DOES LOVE MEAN?
WELL, LOVE MEANS KNOWING THE PERSON.
THAT MEANS THAT WE HAVE SOME LEVEL OF INTIMACY--
"I UNDERSTAND WHO YOU ARE, YOU UNDERSTAND WHO I AM."
THAT YOU CARE ABOUT THE WELFARE OF THE PERSON.
YOU WANT THEIR LIFE TO BE BETTER AND YOU WORK TOWARDS THAT.
THAT YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TOWARDS THE PERSON.
THIS IS PART OF THE COMMITMENT PIECE
THAT "I HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY THAT YOUR LIFE
"WILL BE BETTER BECAUSE I'M PART OF IT,"
AND CONVERSELY, "I KNOW MY LIFE WILL BE."
AND SOMETIMES, RESPONSIBILITY COMES DOWN TO SIMPLE THINGS
LIKE, "YEAH, I'LL PICK YOU UP AFTER SCHOOL.
"I DON'T WANT TO, BUT I WILL."
OR "I'LL TAKE THE KIDS HERE," OR "I'LL DO THE LAUNDRY," OR--
SO, THERE'S A RESPONSIBILITY.
IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT YOU MAKING ME HAPPY.
IT'S ABOUT A RESPONSIBILITY TO THE RELATIONSHIP.
THAT YOU HAVE RESPECT AND DIGNITY FOR THE PERSON.
WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT ABUSE--
PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE-- LATER ON.
DIGNITY AND ABUSE CANNOT GO HAND-IN-HAND.
PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE CAN'T BE PRESENT
IF LOVE IS PRESENT.
I'M GONNA MAKE THAT STATEMENT VERY BOLDLY,
AND I'M GONNA COME BACK TO IT.
PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE CANNOT COEXIST WITH LOVE.
ACCEPTING THE IMPERFECTIONS.
IN FACT, THAT'S OFTEN TIMES HOW WE REALLY KNOW.
IT'S LIKE, "I'M WILLING TO SHARE WITH YOU THE LITTLE WEIRD THINGS
"THAT I DO, AND YOU'RE GOING TO SHARE THEM WITH ME
"BECAUSE I TRUST YOU."
AND THEN, AGAIN, THIS IDEA OF SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT
OR MOVING TOWARDS SOMETHING BIGGER.
GROWTH FOR BOTH PEOPLE IN THE RELATIONSHIP.
SO, IF WE'VE TALKED ABOUT WHAT LOVE IS,
WHY IS IT THAT WE HAVE LOVE IN OUR LIVES?
WHY IS LOVE PRESENT?
WELL, IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY SIMPLE.
NUMBER ONE, IT'S A SURVIVAL NEED.
WE ARE SOCIAL ANIMALS.
AT OUR CORE, WE HAVE A DRIVE TO LIVE IN COMMUNITY.
BECAUSE THE FACT IS, AS A SPECIES,
WE ARE REALLY INADEQUATE.
THINK ABOUT LONG BEFORE THERE WERE STREETS AND POLICE OFFICERS
AND THINGS LIKE GUNS AND BOWS AND ARROWS.
AS A SPECIES, BY OURSELVES, WE CAN'T RUN VERY FAST,
WE'RE NOT VERY STRONG, WE DON'T HAVE BIG TEETH,
WE DON'T HIDE WELL.
SO, WE SURVIVED THROUGH OUR BRAINS
AND THROUGH COMING TOGETHER AS A GROUP.
SO, WE HAVE AN INNATE NEED TO LIVE TOGETHER IN COMMUNITY.
IT'S A SURVIVAL NEED.
OF COURSE, NO SPECIES SURVIVES
WITHOUT CREATING LITTLE ONES...
SO WE HAVE A DRIVE NOT ONLY TO LIVE IN COMMUNITY,
BUT TO PAIR UP AND HAVE BABIES.
WE'VE CREATED CULTURAL NORMS THAT SAYS THAT BABY PROCESS
IS PART OF A COUPLING PROCESS.
THAT'S OKAY.
SOCIALIZATION.
AS PART OF COUPLING, WE ALSO--
AND PART OF LIVING IN COMMUNITY IS SURVIVAL,
WE ALSO HAVE A NEED TO SOCIALIZE.
IT'S REALLY NICE TO HAVE SOMEBODY THERE
TO HAVE DINNER WITH AT NIGHT.
NOT JUST TO PROTECT YOU, SHOULD YOUR HOUSE BREAK DOWN
AND YOU GOT A BUNCH OF WOLVES COMING AT YOU,
GOING BACK TO SURVIVAL MODE, BUT WE LIKE TO TALK TO PEOPLE.
WE WANT SOMEBODY TO GO TO DINNER WITH, TO GO TO THE MOVIES WITH,
SOMEBODY THAT WE CAN SHOW UP WITH TO A PARTY.
AND THEN LASTLY, AFFIRMATION.
THIS IS A REALLY IMPORTANT ONE BECAUSE THE VALUE OF FRIENDS
AND THE VALUE OF LOVE IN OUR LIVES BEYOND JUST SURVIVAL
IS THAT OUR FRIENDS AFFIRM US,
OUR FRIENDS HELP US FEEL GOOD ABOUT OURSELVES.
THAT'S ONE OF THE PRIMARY REASONS THAT WE HAVE FRIENDS
IS TO HELP US MAKE SENSE OUT OF THE WORLD
AND TO HELP US MAKE OURSELVES FEEL GOOD ABOUT OURSELVES.
ALL RIGHT, SO NOW, THE "WHY."
SO WHAT CAUSES US TO ATTRACT?
WHAT CAUSES US TO GET TOGETHER?
DO BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER?
OR DO OPPOSITES ATTRACT?
ONE OF THE BIG QUESTIONS, RIGHT?
ONE OF THE BIG MYTHS THAT ARE OUT THERE.
WELL, IF YOU THINK ABOUT THESE AND PARTICULARLY THIS LAST ONE,
YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER.
BECAUSE OPPOSITES DON'T MAKE FOR A VERY SUSTAINING RELATIONSHIP,
BECAUSE OPPOSITES ARE NOT AFFIRMING.
WE'LL TALK MORE ABOUT THAT IN A SECOND.
SO...
WHAT ARE THE FACTORS THAT CAUSE PEOPLE TO GET TOGETHER?
THERE IS ACTUALLY A LOT,
WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY IT'S HARD TO REALLY FIND SOMEBODY,
BECAUSE IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.
THERE'S A WHOLE BUNCH OF CONTRIBUTING FACTORS.
ONE OF THEM IS SIMPLE PROXIMITY.
YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SITS NEAR YOU IN CLASS
MORE THAN THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T.
IN FACT, THERE HAVE BEEN MULTIPLE STUDIES
THAT HAVE LOOKED AT THAT.
SIMPLE PROXIMITY CAUSES YOU TO LIKE PEOPLE MORE,
THE CLOSER YOU ARE OVER TIME TO THE PEOPLE.
THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE ON YOUR DORM FLOOR,
THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN YOUR APARTMENT,
THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD.
THAT'S NOT TO SUGGEST YOU LIKE EVERYBODY WHO LIVES IN YOUR DORM
OR EVERYBODY WHO LIVES ON YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD
OR EVERYBODY IN YOUR CLASSROOM, BUT IN GENERAL,
THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE CLOSER TO YOU PHYSICALLY, WHEN EVALUATED,
YOU LIKE MORE THAN THOSE WHO AREN'T.
INTERACTION.
THE MORE YOU INTERACT WITH PEOPLE
INCREASES YOUR LIKENESS FOR THEM.
IF YOU MOVE TO A NEW NEIGHBORHOOD, A NEW CITY,
A NEW SCHOOL, ONE OF THE BEST THINGS YOU CAN DO
IS PARK NEAR THE DOOR,
BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS IS AS YOU WALK INTO SCHOOL,
YOU INTERACT WITH LOTS OF PEOPLE.
JUST SIMPLE INTERACTION CAUSES US TO LIKE PEOPLE MORE.
JUST CASUAL INTERACTION LIKE, "HI, HOW ARE YOU"
AS YOU'RE WALKING IN,
AND THE MORE YOU INTERACT WITH THOSE PEOPLE,
THE MORE YOU TEND TO LIKE THEM.
JUST THE ANTICIPATION OF INTERACTION--
A MARVELOUS LITTLE STUDY THAT WAS DONE WITH ADULTS,
AND IT SHOWED THEM--
TWO SAME PROFILES OF TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE,
AND THEY HAD THEM EVALUATE-- SO "HERE'S A PICTURE,
"AND THEN HERE'S A WHOLE BUNCH CHARACTERISTICS
"ABOUT THIS PERSON."
AND TWO GROUPS GOT THE SAME PROFILE.
BUT IN ONE-- THE INDEPENDENT VARIABLE--
IN ONE OF THEM, THEY WERE TOLD,
"AND YOU'RE GOING TO MEET THIS PERSON NEXT WEEK,"
AND THEN THEY HAD THEM EVALUATE HOW MUCH THEY LIKED
THIS PERSON.
NOW, THEY HADN'T MET THEM YET, RIGHT?
THEY'RE JUST, "HERE'S A SHEET, HERE'S THE PICTURE,
"HERE'S THE PROFILE, HERE'S THE QUALITIES,
"THE ATTRIBUTES, OF THIS PERSON."
THE EXACT SAME ONE, EXCEPT IN ONE GROUP THEY WERE TOLD,
"YOU'RE GOING TO MEET THIS PERSON NEXT WEEK."
GUESS WHAT?
THOSE WHO WERE TOLD
THEY WERE GOING TO MEET THE PERSON NEXT WEEK
LIKED THE PERSON IN THE PROFILE MORE
THAN THOSE WHO WEREN'T TOLD
THEY WERE GOING TO MEET THE PERSON.
SO, SIMPLY ANTICIPATING THAT YOU'RE GOING TO MEET THE PERSON
ACTUALLY INCREASES HOW MUCH YOU LIKE THEM.
THE MERE EXPOSURE EFFECT,
WHICH IS IN PART A COMBINATION OF THESE--
THE MORE YOU'RE EXPOSED TO A PHENOMENA, WHATEVER IT IS,
THE MORE YOU LIKE IT.
ADVERTISING, PEOPLE-- DOESN'T MATTER-- SONGS.
IF YOU THINK ABOUT MOST SONGS THAT YOU REALLY LIKE,
THE FIRST TIME YOU HEARD IT, NOT SO GREAT.
BUT YOU STARTED HEARING IT OVER AND OVER
AND YOU STARTED LIKING IT MORE.
NOW YES, THERE ARE SONGS THAT YOU GET SICK OF, RIGHT?
THEY PLAY IT OVER AND OVER-- "DON'T PLAY THAT ANYMORE."
BUT HERE'S THE THING-- EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T LIKE IT ANYMORE
BECAUSE YOU'VE HEARD IT SO MANY TIMES,
YOU STILL LIKE IT MORE THAN THE FIRST TIME YOU HEARD IT.
SO WHILE YOUR LIKENESS MIGHT DECREASE
BECAUSE IT'S BECOME OBNOXIOUS...
AND THEN, OVER A PERIOD OF TIME, LIKE 10 YEARS LATER,
YOU HEAR IT AND YOU LIKE IT AGAIN.
SO, SIMPLY BEING EXPOSED TO SOMETHING,
SIMPLY BEING EXPOSED TO A PERSON,
CAUSES YOU TO LIKE THEM MORE.
AND THERE'S MORE.
LIKE I SAID, IT'S REALLY HARD TO FIGURE OUT
HOW YOU'RE GOING TO ACTUALLY COUPLE UP WITH SOMEBODY.
EXCLUSIONARY CRITERIA.
YOU SEE, IT'S NOT JUST WHAT DRAWS US TO PEOPLE,
BUT EVERY ONE OF YOU HAS AN EXCLUSIONARY CRITERIA.
EVERY ONE OF YOU HAS SOME CERTAIN THINGS
THAT YOU WILL NOT ACCEPT IN A PARTNER.
SO, IN EFFECT, IT'S MORE POWERFUL
THAN WHAT YOU WANT IN A PARTNER.
SO, YOU HAVE A LITTLE LIST, RIGHT?
LIKE WHAT?
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE FOR YOU,
BUT WHAT MIGHT SOME OF THESE THINGS BE?
>> CAN'T HAVE KIDS. >> CAN'T HAVE KIDS.
WELL, FOR SOME-- AND THAT'S FAIR.
IT CHANGES OVER TIME, RIGHT?
THAT DOESN'T WORK WHEN YOU'RE 40 AND DIVORCED--
YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT THREE KIDS,
BUT I DON'T WANT TO MARRY SOMEBODY WHO HAS KIDS.
OBVIOUSLY, OVER TIME, IT CHANGES.
BUT IN SOME CASES, "I DON'T WANT KIDS.
"I WANT TO HAVE MY OWN."
>> FACIAL HAIR. >> FACIAL HAIR.
DON'T WANT SOMEBODY WHO HAS FACIAL HAIR,
ESPECIALLY MY WIFE, RIGHT? (audience laughing)
>> SMOKER. >> SMOKER.
I DON'T WANT SOMEBODY WHO SMOKES.
NOW, IF I DO SMOKE,
THEN I WANT SOMEBODY WHO'S ACCEPTING OF SMOKING
OR WHO DOES SMOKE.
A COUPLE MORE. >> MONEY.
>> MONEY-- YOU WANT SOMEBODY WHO DOESN'T HAVE MONEY?
(audience laughing)
SO, YOU WANT SOMEBODY WHO HAS A STABLE CAREER.
ONE MORE. >> RELIGION.
>> YOU DON'T WANT SOMEBODY WHO HAS EXTREMELY DIFFERENT
RELIGIOUS BELIEFS.
SO, WHAT HAPPENS IS WE HAVE THIS LIST.
NOW, YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL.
WHILE YOUR LIST MIGHT BE RATHER LONG-- 8, 10, 12, RIGHT?
IF YOU REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DON'T PRIORITIZE IT
AROUND THREE OR FOUR, JUST BE HAPPY BEING LONELY.
(audience laughing)
BECAUSE YOU KNOW, IF YOUR LIST IS REALLY LONG-- 8, 12--
THEN YOU'RE A LITTLE PICKY.
(audience laughing) OKAY, SIMILARITY.
THIS IS ONE OF THE PRIMARY ISSUES
FOR ANY KIND OF LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP.
AND IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT INTUITIVELY, YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE.
IF PART OF THE REASON FOR COUPLING IS TO AFFIRM US,
THEN PEOPLE WILL ONLY AFFIRM US IF THEY ARE LIKE US.
AND EVEN JUST ON A DAILY BASIS, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,
YOU'RE SOMEBODY WHO LIKES TO STAY HOME AT NIGHT,
YOU LIKE TO READ IT, YOU DON'T REALLY LIKE TO PARTY.
WELL, HOW WELL IT'S GOING TO WORK IF YOU COUPLE UP
WITH SOMEBODY WHO WANTS TO GO OUT EVERY NIGHT?
YOU KNOW, THEY WANT TO HIT THE CLUBS--
YOU KNOW, THEIR GOAL ASPIRATIONS
IS TO SEE HOW MANY CLUBS THEY CAN HIT IN ONE NIGHT,
NOT TO STUDY FOR THEIR ABNORMAL PSYCHOLOGY TEST TOMORROW.
THE LONG-TERM IS JUST NOT GOING TO WORK
BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO CONFLICT.
AT THE CORE LEVEL, IT COMES DOWN IN PART TO PERSONALITY.
ARE YOU OUTGOING, ARE YOU MORE OF AN INTROVERT?
DO YOU LIKE EXCITING, DANGEROUS THINGS,
OR DO YOU LIKE THE WORLD KINDA SAFE?
FARRA MENTIONED RELIGIOUS BELIEFS.
I MEAN, THAT'S A BIG PART OF IT.
DO YOU HAVE SIMILAR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS?
DO YOU HAVE SIMILAR POLITICAL BELIEFS?
SIMILARITY IS ONE OF THE PRIMARY FACTORS AROUND LONG-TERM SUCCESS
IN A RELATIONSHIP.
NOW, I WILL GIVE YOU A CAVEAT.
DO OPPOSITES ATTRACT?
UM, FOR ABOUT A DAY.
THERE IS IN FACT-- WE ACTUALLY, BASED ON SMELL ALONE,
ARE ATTRACTED TO SOMEBODY FOR ABOUT A DAY IF THEIR SMELL
IS DISTINCTLY DIFFERENT THAN OURS.
WHY?
THAT'S KIND OF WEIRD, RIGHT?
SO, WHY WOULD SMELL--
WHAT DOES SMELL PROBABLY INDICATE?
>> (indistinct speaking). >> WELL, IT COULD.
WE ALL GIVE OFF A SMELL, RIGHT?
REGARDLESS OF WHETHER WE-- WELL, ASSUMING WE'RE NOT MASKING IT.
GENETIC DIVERSITY.
SO, FOR A SPECIES TO SURVIVE, A DIVERSE GENE POOL IS GOOD.
SO, IF YOU'RE JUST TALKING ABOUT BASIC MATING PURPOSES,
THEN WE ARE ACTUALLY COMPELLED TO MATE WITH SOMEBODY
WHO'S DISTINCTLY DIFFERENT FROM US.
THE PROBLEM WITH THAT-- AND THIS IS WHERE YOU'VE GOT
TO KICK IN THAT PREFRONTAL LOBE--
THE PROBLEM WITH THAT IS THAT IT DOESN'T MAKE
FOR A LONG-TERM SUSTAINABLE RELATIONSHIP.
RECIPROCAL LIKING.
WE LIKE PEOPLE WHO LIKE US.
IT'S PRETTY SIMPLE.
IF YOU LIKE SOMEBODY OR YOU HEAR THAT SOMEBODY LIKES YOU,
YOU AUTOMATICALLY LIKE THEM MORE.
AGAIN, IT'S THAT AFFIRMATION THING.
WELL, "IF YOU LIKE ME,
"THERE MUST BE SOMETHING REALLY SMART ABOUT YOU.
(audience laughing) "YOU MUST BE BRILLIANT," RIGHT?
"BECAUSE YOU LIKE ME-- WELL, OF COURSE EVERYONE SHOULD LIKE ME,
"BUT THERE ARE THOSE PEOPLE WHO DON'T--
"THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM."
(audience chuckling) SO, IF WE UNDERSTAND,
IF WE BELIEVE-- THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TO LIKE US.
IF YOU BELIEVE THAT THEY LIKE YOU,
BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS IS THAT THEN THE--
OH, MY MIND JUST WENT BLANK.
WHAT AM I THINKING OF, SOME OF MY STUDENTS?
COME ON, YOU CAN HELP ME.
WHEN YOU BELIEVE SOMETHING AND YOU ACT IN A CERTAIN WAY.
>> (indistinct speaking). >> THERE WE GO, SEE?
SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT THAT.
WHAT HAPPENS WITH A SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY IS
IF YOU BELIEVE SOMEBODY LIKES YOU,
HOW ARE YOU GONNA BEHAVE TOWARDS THEM?
IN A POSITIVE WAY.
AND IF YOU BEHAVE TO SOMEBODY IN A POSITIVE WAY,
THEY'RE GOING TO BEHAVE BACK TO YOU IN A POSITIVE WAY,
AND IT CREATES A CYCLE OF LIKING.
THIS ONE, LET'S BE HONEST-- YOU DON'T KNOW THE LANGUAGE FOR.
IT'S SOCIAL EXCHANGE.
THIS HAS TO DO WITH MY OWN BELIEF OF SELF
AND MY RELATIONSHIP WITH OTHERS,
WHICH IS "WHAT KIND OF PARTNER DO I BELIEVE I DESERVE?"
EVERY ONE OF US, BASED ON OUR OWN EXPERIENCE,
OUR SELF-ESTEEM, OUR IDEALS,
WE HAVE A BELIEF ABOUT "WHAT KIND OF PARTNER DO I DESERVE?"
SO, IS THIS PERSON ABOVE THAT OR BELOW IT?
AND IN FACT, THEY HAVE TO BE IN A REASONABLE ZONE,
BECAUSE IF THEY'RE TOO FAR ABOVE IT,
"WELL, I DON'T REALLY DESERVE IT
"AND THIS PROBABLY ISN'T GOING TO WORK."
IF THEY'RE TOO FAR BELOW,
THEN IT'S, "WELL, I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS."
THAT'S THE FIRST CRITERIA.
NOW, THE SECOND ONE IS-- AND OF COURSE NOBODY WANTS
TO ADMIT THIS, RIGHT, BUT WE DO THIS.
"WHAT'S THE POSSIBILITY OF FINDING SOMEBODY BETTER?"
SO, "WE'RE DATING RIGHT NOW, WE'VE BEEN DATING FOR A WHILE,
"SHOULD I SETTLE OR HOLD OUT FOR SOMEBODY BETTER?
"WHAT'S THE PROBABILITY THAT SOMEBODY--"
IF YOU HAVE THIS CONVERSATION IN YOUR HEAD.
NOW, YOU MAY NOT HAVE IT EXPLICITLY, BUT IT IS LIKE,
"OKAY, IS THIS GONNA WORK FOR ME?"
IT'S VERY PRACTICAL.
ALL RIGHT.
THE LAST CRITERIA THAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT--
AND IT'S ANOTHER ONE OF THESE THINGS,
"WELL, I'M ATTRACTED TO THEIR PERSONALITY."
WELL, NO. (audience chuckling)
WHAT WE ARE ATTRACTED-- WE ARE ATTRACTED TO ATTRACTIVENESS.
NOW, IT'S A LITTLE COMPLICATED HERE.
BABIES...
SPEND MORE TIME LOOKING AT CULTURALLY ATTRACTIVE FACES
THAN UNATTRACTIVE FACES.
PEOPLE WHO ARE ARTIFICIALLY DISFIGURED, AND IN FACT,
IF WE HAD SOMEBODY IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW--
AND I TOOK THE THEATER DEPARTMENT
AND HAD THEM ARTIFICIALLY DISFIGURED
AND THEY WERE SITTING HERE,
PEOPLE WOULDN'T SIT AROUND THEM.
PEOPLE SITTING ON-- THIS EXPERIMENT WAS DONE IN NEW YORK,
HAVING PEOPLE ON A SUBWAY TRAIN,
AND THEY HAD A BIG SCAR OR SOMETHING,
PEOPLE WOULD NOT SIT BY THEM.
WE DON'T-- WE MIGRATE TOWARDS ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE.
NOW, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WELL, THERE IS CULTURALLY ATTRACTIVE.
YOU KNOW, SOME OF THESE FOLKS HERE...
AND THEY'RE POPULAR BECAUSE THEY'RE CULTURALLY ATTRACTIVE.
IN FACT, WE ASSOCIATE ATTRACTIVENESS
WITH ALL POSITIVE QUALITIES.
WE ASSUME THAT ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE ARE SMARTER.
WE ASSUME THAT ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE DO BETTER THINGS FOR THE WORLD,
THAT THEY GET IN TROUBLE LESS.
IN FACT, WE ASSUME THAT THEY ARE LESS PROMISCUOUS.
IN EVERY STUDY THAT'S BEEN DONE,
IT SHOWS THAT WE BELIEVE THAT UGLY PEOPLE
ACTUALLY HAVE SEX IN AN INAPPROPRIATE WAY
MORE THAN ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE.
SO, WE ATTRIBUTE ALL GOOD THINGS TO ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE,
WHICH IS WHY THEY'RE MORE SUCCESSFUL BECAUSE WE--
WELL, THEY SHOULD BE, RIGHT?
NOW, WHAT IS ATTRACTIVENESS MEAN, THOUGH?
BECAUSE THERE IS A CULTURAL NORM WHICH ESSENTIALLY MEANS
THAT YOU HAVE A BABY FACE,
THAT YOU HAVE A FACE THAT IS SYMMETRICAL,
THAT BOTH SIDES ARE ESSENTIALLY THE SAME...
BIG EYES, HIGH CHEEK BONES, SMALL NOSE IN PROPORTION
TO YOUR FACE, YOU HAVE AN ATTRACTIVE MOUTH.
AND THERE'S A SLIGHT VARIATION BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN,
AND HERE'S WHAT'S INTERESTING WHEN YOU DO SURVEYS OF WOMEN--
MEN AND WOMEN.
MEN ARE RIGHT UPFRONT IN PLACING ATTRACTIVENESS
IN THEIR TOP THREE.
WOMEN PLACE IT LOWER ON THEIR SCALE-- FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT.
BUT IN FACT, WHEN YOU EVALUATE WOMEN'S BEHAVIOR,
IT'S NO DIFFERENT THAN MEN.
SO WOMEN SAY ATTRACTIVENESS DOESN'T MATTER, BUT IN FACT,
WHEN YOU EVALUATE THEIR BEHAVIOR, IT DOES.
BUT NOW IS WHERE GETS MORE COMPLICATED.
THIS WOMAN IS OFTEN TIMES-- IN SEVERAL STUDIES,
AND THEIR ARE SEVERAL VARIATIONS OF THIS--
WHEN GIVEN A WHOLE GROUP OF RANDOM PICTURES--
IN FACT, THIS STUDY WAS DONE
WITH WINNERS OF THE MISS GERMAN CONTEST,
SO THE EQUIVALENT OF THE MISS AMERICA--
IT'S BEEN DONE WITH MISS AMERICAS, TOO,
I JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE THE PICTURE OF MISS GERMANY.
SO PEOPLE ARE SHOWN A WHOLE BUNCH OF PICTURES
OF ALL OF THE PEOPLE IN--
ALL OF THE WOMEN WHO RAN FOR MISS GERMANY,
AND THIS WOMAN IS PICKED OUT
AS BEING THE MOST ATTRACTIVE, OVERWHELMINGLY.
THIS WOMAN DOESN'T EXIST.
THIS WOMAN IS THE AVERAGE FEATURES
OF ALL OF THE OTHER WOMEN.
SO WE LIKE-- INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH,
WE LIKE COMMON QUALITIES.
NOW, IT EVEN GETS MORE INTERESTING.
SEE THESE TWO PICTURES HERE?
THAT'S THE SAME PERSON.
IN A WONDERFUL LITTLE EXPERIMENT--
AND THIS ONLY WORKED WITH HETEROSEXUALS.
SO IN THIS CASE, YOU HAVE THE REAL PERSON,
AND THEN HERE, YOU HAVE THE PERSON MORPHED INTO A WOMAN.
SO A COMPUTER-GENERATED WOMAN.
AND THIS WAS DONE WITH A WHOLE BUNCH OF PICTURES
OF DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
AND IT WAS DONE WITH BOTH MEN AND WOMEN-- IT'S DONE BOTH WAYS,
AND THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE TO BE HETEROSEXUAL,
BECAUSE IF YOU MORPH A MAN INTO A MAN,
YOU CAN PICK YOURSELF OUT, RIGHT?
SO WHAT HAPPENED IS, IS THEN THEY WERE FLASHED
A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT PICTURES OF WOMEN.
STATISTICALLY, THEY ALWAYS PICKED THEMSELVES
AS BEING THE MOST ATTRACTIVE.
SO WHAT HAPPENS IS WE ACTUALLY ARE ATTRACTED TO PEOPLE
WHO LOOK LIKE US.
THIS IS TRUE FOR OUR MATES.
I'M NOT GOING TO END UP WITH HER.
I KNOW THAT'S TRUE-- OF COURSE, I MARRIED,
SO IT'D BE A REAL PROBLEM IF I DID.
BUT WHAT HAPPENS IS THAT WE TEND TO PICK PEOPLE--
IF WE TAKE THIS SORT OF--
YOU KNOW, WE CREATE A RUBRIC HERE FROM ZERO TO TEN--
WELL, LET'S SAY ONE.
LET'S NOT GIVE ANYONE A ZERO ON ATTRACTIVENESS.
ONE TO TEN.
AND WE THEN-- IF YOU'RE A SEVEN,
YOU'RE GOING TO PICK SOMEBODY
WHO'S PROBABLY IN THE SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT RANGE.
WE PICK PEOPLE WHO ARE CLOSE TO US.
NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, RIGHT?
"OH, DAMN, ALL MY FRIENDS ARE UGLY."
(audience laughing) WELL, IT'S STATISTICALLY TRUE.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN THERE ISN'T SOME ABERRATIONS HERE AND THERE.
SO WE TEND TO PICK PEOPLE WHO-- IT'S REALLY EASY TO FIGURE OUT.
GO TO THE MALL.
WATCH THOSE GAGGLE OF TEENAGERS RUNNING AROUND.
THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE, RIGHT?
I MEAN, THEY'RE ALL WITHIN THE SAME SORT OF ZONE OF BEAUTY.
SO WHY DO WE GET TOGETHER, HOW DO WE GET TOGETHER,
AND HOW DO WE STAY TOGETHER?
WELL, IT STARTS WHEN WE ARE VERY YOUNG.
IT STARTS WITH OUR EXPERIENCE IN BEING TAKEN CARE OF
WHEN WE ARE BORN.
MANY OF YOU UNDERSTAND-- YOU'VE HAD ATTACHMENT THEORY
IN OTHER CLASSES, BUT I WILL TAKE A MOMENT
TO EXPLAIN IT VERY SIMPLY.
SO WHAT HAPPENS IS WHEN YOU ARE BORN,
YOU ARE AT THE WHIM OF YOUR CARETAKERS.
YOU INNATELY ARE ATTRACTED TO YOUR CAREGIVERS,
PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY.
BASED ON THOSE FIRST COUPLE YEARS OF LIFE--
AND THERE IS AN OPTIMAL WINDOW THAT CAN BE EXTENDED,
WE WILL TALK ABOUT THAT IN A SECOND.
YOU HAVE THREE BASIC--
AND THESE ARE SORT OF THE BROAD CATEGORIES--
YOU DEVELOP AS A CHILD, AND THEN EVENTUALLY AS AN ADULT,
THREE BASIC FORMS OF ATTACHMENT.
YOU HAVE SECURE ATTACHMENT.
SECURE ATTACHMENT IS WHERE I FEEL GOOD ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE
AND I FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.
"I TRUST MYSELF IN RELATIONSHIPS,
"I TRUST OTHER PEOPLE IN RELATIONSHIPS."
ANXIOUS AMBIVALENT IS THAT...
"I FEEL GOOD ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE, BUT NOT SO MUCH ABOUT MYSELF.
"THAT I'M HIGHLY ANXIOUS THAT PEOPLE ARE GOING TO HURT ME,
"THAT THEY ARE GOING TO LEAVE ME.
"I DON'T HAVE A VERY STRONG SENSE OF SELF."
AND AVOIDANT IS "I DON'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
"I DON'T TRUST OTHER PEOPLE."
SO THESE PATTERNS DEVELOP WHEN WE ARE VERY YOUNG.
WE HAVE SOME REALLY NICE RESEARCH
THAT HAS COME OUT OF ADOPTION STUDIES
THAT LOOKS AT CHILDREN
WHO ARE IN A VERY STARK, NON-NURTURING ENVIRONMENT.
BECAUSE IT'S NOT JUST FOOD.
IT'S BOTH PHYSIOLOGICAL AND EMOTIONAL CARE.
WHAT THIS LOOKS LIKE, THEN, AS AN ADULT,
IS THAT THIS IS THE CLINGY, JEALOUS, "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME,
"I'LL DO ANYTHING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY" PERSON.
BECAUSE MY INTERNALIZATION IS,
"I'M NOT WORTHY OF A RELATIONSHIP."
AND "YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE ME, I KNOW IT,
"SO I HAVE TO DO WHATEVER I CAN TO KEEP YOU."
AVOIDANT IS "I DON'T REALLY CARE
"IF WE HAVE A RELATIONSHIP OR NOT.
"YOU KNOW, I'M NOT GONNA COME HOME TONIGHT.
"I KNOW I SAID I WAS GOING TO COME HOME, BUT I'M JUST NOT.
"I WAS GONNA STAY AND HANG OUT AT THE BAR.
"WHAT ARE YOU SO UPSET ABOUT?
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT."
THESE ARE NOT ABSOLUTES, BECAUSE THAT'S AN IMPORTANT PIECE.
WHAT HAPPENS IS, IS WHILE THERE IS A CRITICAL PERIOD
IN THOSE EARLY YEARS,
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU END UP AS AN ADULT
AND YOU'RE IN ONE OF THESE SITUATIONS?
WELL, OBVIOUSLY, IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFICULT
TO HAVE RELATIONSHIPS.
BUT THAT ISN'T TO SUGGEST THAT YOU CAN'T REVISIT
AND RECONSIDER YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF
AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
WE DO KNOW-- AND AGAIN, THAT'S WHERE OPTION STUDIES
HAVE BEEN QUITE HELPFUL--
IS THAT WE KNOW THAT PEOPLE, WITH A LOT OF EFFORT,
CAN REVISIT AND RE-ORIENT THEIR ATTACHMENT STYLE.
IT'S NOT EASY.
IT'S MUCH EASIER TO HAVE IT HAPPEN IN THOSE FIRST 18 MONTHS,
THREE YEARS.
BUT THE OPPOSITE CAN HAPPEN, TOO.
I MEAN, YOU COULD HAVE A VERY SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE,
AND THEN JUST HAVE A SERIES
OF REALLY, REALLY, REALLY CRAPPY RELATIONSHIPS,
WHICH CAUSES YOU TO START QUESTIONING
YOUR VALUE AS A PARTNER,
OR HAS YOU START QUESTIONING THE ABILITY TO TRUST OTHERS.
EQUITY.
WE WANT TO FEEL LIKE WE ARE IN AN EQUAL RELATIONSHIP,
THAT THERE IS EQUITY IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS.
THERE ARE TWO FORMS OF EQUITY.
YOU HAVE THE EARLY EQUITY--
SO WHEN YOU FIRST START A RELATIONSHIP,
YOU'RE IN A TIT-FOR-TAT RELATIONSHIP, WHICH MEANS...
"I'M GOING TO KEEP A SCORE SHEET.
"IN MY MIND, OKAY, YOU PAID THIS TIME, I'LL PAY THAT TIME,
"I CLEANED YOUR APARTMENT, WHAT DID YOU DO FOR ME?"
AND IT REALLY IS A TALLY SHEET IN THOSE EARLY RELATIONSHIPS.
"I DON'T WANT TO GET ABUSED, SO LET'S LOOK FOR EQUALITY,"
AND WE ARE VERY SPECIFIC ABOUT IT.
NOW, HEALTHY LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS GROW
FROM AN EXCHANGE TO A COMMUNAL RELATIONSHIP.
IN A COMMUNAL RELATIONSHIP, I NO LONGER KEEP SCORE,
BUT I STILL WANT EQUITY.
BUT I RECOGNIZE THROUGH EXPERIENCE, THROUGH TIME,
THAT "OKAY, IF I DO THE LAUNDRY THIS WEEK, THE NEXT WEEK,
"I KNOW THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE DOING--
"I TRUST THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE, YOU KNOW,
"TAKING THE KIDS TO SOCCER PRACTICE.
"OR IF I GO TO YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE,
"WHICH OF COURSE IS NEVER A GOOD TIME,
"BUT I RECOGNIZE THAT YOU'LL PROBABLY THEN
"TAKE ME OUT TO DINNER OR--"
IT'S ALWAYS PERSONAL HOW YOU DEFINE EQUALITY,
BUT LONG-TERM SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS EVOLVE
INTO A COMMUNAL RELATIONSHIP.
IN FACT, ONE OF THE WAYS TO MEASURE THE MATURITY
AND THE PREDICTABILITY OF SUCCESS OF A RELATIONSHIP
IS SIMPLY LOOKING AT THIS.
IF THE COUPLE IS STILL KEEPING A SCORE SHEET,
THEN THEY HAVEN'T DEVELOPED INTO A MATURE RELATIONSHIP.
AND AGAIN, IT'S OKAY-- WE ALL START OUT AT THAT LEVEL.
BUT IF YOU'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR A FEW YEARS--
THREE, FOUR, FIVE...
TEN, TWENTY--
AND YOU'RE STILL KEEPING A SCORE SHEET,
THEN THIS REALLY ISN'T THE KIND OF NURTURING RELATIONSHIP
THAT YOU DESERVE.
SELF-DISCLOSURE.
OBVIOUSLY, SELF-DISCLOSURE IS BASED ON THE ATTACHMENT THEORY
BECAUSE SELF-DISCLOSURE IS SHARING WITH YOUR PARTNER
YOUR SECRETS.
NOW, NOT ALL SECRETS.
SOME OF THOSE THINGS, WE'RE NOT GOING TO TELL ANYBODY.
NOT THAT THEY'RE TERRIBLE,
BUT JUST GOT TO KEEP SOMETHING SECRET.
BUT YOUR BELIEFS, YOUR GOALS,
WHEN YOU GET HURT, WHEN YOU DON'T,
BECAUSE WHAT THAT DOES IS CREATE INTIMACY.
AND IT DIDN'T TALK ABOUT IT EARLIER,
BUT INTIMACY TENDS TO BE THE PRIMARY FOCUS
OF THE MOST HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.
AND IT DOES SPEAK TO THAT NURTURING, RIGHT?
I MEAN, IT'D BE HARD TO NURTURE WITHOUT INTIMACY.
INTIMACY BREEDS PASSION.
THE BIGGEST SEX ORGAN YOU HAVE IS YOUR PREFRONTAL LOBE,
IS YOUR HEAD.
AND SO, INTIMACY ATTRACTS YOU TO THE PERSON.
INTIMACY CREATES COMMITMENT.
BECAUSE I HAVE-- I MEAN, THAT'S A SPECIAL PERSON.
WE DON'T HAVE MANY PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES
THAT WE ARE DEEPLY INTIMATE WITH.
THAT'S REALLY DANGEROUS.
SO IF I FIND THAT PERSON, THEN I'M COMMITTED TO THEM,
I'M MOVING TOWARDS COMMITMENT BECAUSE I WANT TO KEEP THEM.
SO SELF-DISCLOSURE IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF SUCCESS.
AND LASTLY, ACCEPTANCE.
INTERESTING PIECE OF DATA THAT SHOWS
THAT SUCCESSFUL, HAPPY COUPLES
TEND TO WEAR ROSE-COLORED GLASSES
WHEN TALKING ABOUT THEIR PARTNER.
THEY TEND TO EVALUATE THEIR PARTNER--
AND THEY ARE NOT UNREALISTIC,
BUT A LITTLE BIT LESS HARSH THAN THE REST OF THE WORLD.
THEY BELIEVE POSITIVE THINGS, THEY INTERPRET THE BEHAVIORS
OF THEIR PARTNER IN SLIGHTLY MORE POSITIVE WAYS
THAN OTHER PEOPLE DO.
IT'S NOT A LIE.
ALL OF IT IS INTERPRETATION.
THEY JUST HAVE A SLIGHTLY POSITIVE-- NOT UNREALISTIC--
BUT A SLIGHTLY POSITIVE INTERPRETATION OF THEIR PARTNER.
OKAY, HERE'S A SAD REALITY.
WHEN ARE YOU MOST HAPPY IN YOUR MARRIAGE?
THE DAY YOU'RE MARRIED.
IT GOES DOWNHILL EVERY DAY AFTER THAT.
(audience chuckling)
AND IT BOTTOMS OUT AROUND FIVE YEARS OLD.
YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS.
YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOW THIS BECAUSE MANY PEOPLE DON'T--
THAT HAPPINESS IS...
AT ITS HEIGHT, WHEN YOU'RE FIRST MARRIED.
YOU'VE HEARD OF THE SEVEN YEAR ITCH, RIGHT?
PRETTY COMMON.
IT'S ACTUALLY TRUE.
NOT AS TRUE AS WE BELIEVE IT TO BE,
BUT WHAT HAPPENS IS IF YOU HIT THE BOTTOM
AT ABOUT FIVE YEARS,
WELL, IT TAKES YOU A COUPLE YEARS TO HAVE THAT AFFAIR.
NOT QUITE, BUT IT DOES SLOWLY START TO CLIMB UP.
NOW, IF THOSE PEOPLE WHO HAVE CHILDREN SOMEWHERE OUT HERE--
WHEN CHILDREN LEAVE, IT ALSO TAKES ANOTHER BUMP UPWARD.
IT NEVER GETS BACK UP TO HERE.
SORRY, IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW.
SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO SUSTAIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
WELL, BE AWARE THAT PASSIONATE INTIMACY NATURALLY WANES.
IT'S NOT THAT YOU'RE WITH THE WRONG PERSON,
IT'S JUST THE NATURE OF LOVE.
SO THE PASSION THAT WAS THERE LAST WEEK
MAYBE ISN'T THERE THIS WEEK.
MAYBE IT'S GONE UNTIL THE KIDS ARE SEVEN.
SITUATIONS CAUSE THEM TO GO UP AND DOWN, WHICH IS WHY, AGAIN,
HAVING MULTIPLE POINTS ON THE TRIANGULAR THEORY IS USEFUL.
DO THINGS THAT ARE EXCITING.
EVEN IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN,
FIND WAYS IN WHICH YOU CAN DO COMMON THINGS--
JUST THE TWO OF YOU.
EVEN IF IT'S ONLY FOR A WEEK, WEEKEND,
THINGS THAT YOU ENJOY DOING.
(sighing) THIS IS-- AVOID SCORE-KEEPING.
THIS IS THAT CHECKLIST.
LONG-TERM SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS EVOLVE
TO WHERE YOU NO LONGER KEEP SCORE.
CONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION STYLES.
SHARE YOUR WANTS AND YOUR NEEDS.
LEARN HOW TO COMMUNICATE.
THERE'S A WHOLE PROCESS-- I'M NOT COVERING IT HERE,
BUT THERE IS A WHOLE--
MANY OF YOU HAVE BEEN TAUGHT IT OR YOU'VE SEEN IT.
THERE'S A THEORETICAL MODEL FOR GOOD COMMUNICATION
IN A RELATIONSHIP.
UNDERSTAND THAT OUTSIDE STRESSES CAN IMPAIR RELATIONSHIPS.
REACH OUT IN LOVE WHEN YOUR MATE IS UNDER STRESS.
REMEMBER THAT THE ENVIRONMENT AFFECTS US.
IT'S GOING TO AFFECT YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
IF YOUR PARTNER IS HAVING DIFFICULTIES AT WORK,
DIFFICULTIES AT SCHOOL, DIFFICULTY WITH PARENTS,
DIFFICULTY WITH CHILDREN, IT'S NOT A REFLECTION ON YOU.
IT MIGHT FEEL LIKE IT BECAUSE THEY'RE ANGRY,
THEY'RE STRESSED, THEY'RE SAD...
IT'S NOT YOU.
SO UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR PARTNER, JUST LIKE YOU,
IS AFFECTED BY THE OUTSIDE WORLD.
A LITTLE DATA ABOUT UNHAPPY COUPLES.
UNHAPPY COUPLES HAVE A HIGHER RATIO OF NEGATIVE
TO POSITIVE COMMENTS.
IN FACT, HERE'S THE THING, FOLKS--
FOR EVERY ONE BAD THING YOU SAY, FOR EVERY ONE BAD ACTION,
FOR EVERY DISMISSIVE COMMENT YOU MAKE--
FOR EVERY ONE, IT TAKES FIVE TO BRING EQUALITY
BACK INTO THE RELATIONSHIP.
SO INTEGRATE INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIPS LOTS OF POSITIVES.
AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT DISINGENUINE COMPLIMENTS.
WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IS SIMPLE THINGS.
WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IS SIMPLY STROKING THE SHOULDER.
WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IS, YOU KNOW,
THANKING THEM FOR DOING THE LAUNDRY OR FOR PUTTING UP--
WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT BIG THINGS.
BIG THINGS ARE GOOD,
BUT WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IS SMALL ACTS OF LOVE,
SMALL ACTS OF APPRECIATION.
AND YOU REALLY WANT TO HAVE THOSE PART OF YOUR LIFE,
BECAUSE YOU GOT TO MAKE UP, BECAUSE I GUARANTEE YOU
EVERYONE OF US MAKES NEGATIVE COMMENTS.
WE SAY BAD THINGS.
SO WE NEED TO HAVE A BIG POOL OF POSITIVES TO SURVIVE.
UNHAPPY COUPLES GET PERSONALLY HURTFUL WHEN THEY FIGHT.
THEY DON'T FOCUS ON WHAT THEY'RE FIGHTING ON.
THEY START INSULTING THE PERSON.
IT'S THE WORST THINGS YOU CAN DO.
DON'T BERATE YOUR PARTNER.
ENGAGE IN REPEATED DEMAND WITHDRAWAL INTERACTION.
THIS IS WHEN "I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT"
AND YOUR PARTNER RUNS AWAY.
YOU'VE GOT TO QUIT-- NOW, THAT'S NOT TO SUGGEST THAT--
SOME PEOPLE WANT TO TALK SOONER THAN OTHERS.
IT'S VERY REASONABLE TO SAY,
"YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY UPSET ABOUT THIS
"AND I NEED TO TAKE A BREAK."
PERFECTLY FINE-- BUT NOW, YOU'RE THE PERSON
WHO'S TAKING A BREAK HAS A RESPONSIBILITY
TO COME BACK AND SAYS, "OKAY, I'M NOW CALM.
"I'M NOT GOING TO JUST LET IT SLIDE AWAY.
"I, NOW, BECAUSE I ASKED FOR THE BREAK,
"HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO RETURN."
THIS IS THAT IDEA THAT UNHAPPY COUPLES SEE THEIR PARTNER
THROUGH A SUSPICIOUS LENS.
SO THIS IS OBVIOUSLY AN EXTREME ONE WITH AN AFFAIR.
THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF ROSE-COLORED GLASSES...
THAT WHEN YOUR PARTNER DOES SOMETHING, WHATEVER IT IS,
YOU SEE IT AS NEGATIVE.
YOU INTERPRET EVERYTHING FROM A NEGATIVE PERSPECTIVE.
AND THEN, BACK TO THE EXCHANGE MODEL...
"I'LL ONLY DO THIS IF YOU DO FOR ME,"
AS OPPOSED TO THE COMMUNAL STYLE WHICH IS WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT.
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS A TOUGH ONE.
THIS IS GOING TO BE A TOUGH ONE BECAUSE I GUARANTEE,
JUST BASED ON STATISTICS,
THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM
WHO ARE OR WHO HAVE BEEN IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.
BELL HOOKS, ONE OF MY FAVORITE AUTHORS,
HAS A BOOK CALLED "ALL ABOUT LOVE."
IF YOU JUST WANT A REALLY GOOD BOOK TO READ,
THAT'S A GREAT BOOK.
BELL HOOKS IS A GRADUATE PROFESSOR AT N.Y.U.
SHE'S NOW TEACHING AT ANOTHER UNIVERSITY BY CHOICE.
AFRICAN-AMERICAN FEMINIST...
REALLY NICE AUTHOR, AND SHE USES--
SHE TAKES A THEORETICAL APPROACH TO HER WRITING,
BUT IT'S A PERSONAL NARRATIVE.
SO IT'S VERY READABLE, BUT BASED IN THEORY.
AND IN HER BOOK, SHE SAYS THIS-- "WHEN WE UNDERSTAND LOVE
"IS THE WILL TO NURTURE
"OUR OWN AND ANOTHER PERSON'S SPIRITUAL GROWTH,
"IT BECOMES CLEAR THAT WE CANNOT CLAIM TO LOVE
"IF WE ARE HURTFUL AND ABUSIVE.
"LOVE AND ABUSE CANNOT EXIST."
IN FACT, SHE GOES ON TO ARGUE THAT PEOPLE WHO ABUSE
DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE.
IT'S NOT PART OF WHO THEY ARE,
THAT THROUGH THEIR OWN EXPERIENCE,
THROUGH THEIR OWN MISINTERPRETATION OF THEIR EMOTIONS,
THROUGH LOTS OF THINGS,
THEY HAVE AN UNHEALTHY UNDERSTANDING OF ABUSE--
ER, OF LOVE.
AMERICAN PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION HAS A WHITE PAPER
ON LOVE-- ER, ON ABUSE, AND IT'S GONE SO FAR
AS TO IDENTIFY THAT ABUSE IS JUST NOT PHYSICAL.
IN FACT, ONE OF THE THINGS THAT WE KNOW FROM MODERN BRAIN SCAN IMAGERY
IS THAT CHILDREN WHO WERE PHYSICALLY ABUSED,
THEY HAVE AN ABNORMAL BRAIN-- UH, AN ABNOR--
A SLIGHTLY MORE PRIMITIVE--
THEY GO TO THE EMOTIONAL PRIMITIVE STATE AS ADULTS
QUICKER THAN PEOPLE WHO WEREN'T PHYSICALLY ABUSED.
CHILDREN WHO WERE EMOTIONALLY ABUSED
HAVE THE EXACT SAME BRAIN PATTERN
AND THOSE WHO WERE PHYSICALLY ABUSED.
THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE IN YOUR DEVELOPMENT BETWEEN THE TWO.
THEY DAMAGE YOU EMOTIONALLY THE SAME WAY.
SO VERBAL ABUSE...
PSYCHOLOGICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE...
PHYSICAL ABUSE...
SEXUAL VIOLENCE...
AND THE ABUSE OF MALE PRIVILEGE, WHERE THAT WE ASSUME, AS MEN,
WE HAVE SOME POWER THAT SIMPLY BY HAVING A CERTAIN GENITALIA,
THAT "I GET THINGS THAT YOU DON'T,"
AND THAT "YOU HAVE TO SERVE ME EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY,"
WHATEVER.
ALL OF THESE QUALIFY AS ABUSE.
AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT ARGUING.
I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT NOT GETTING ALONG ALL THE TIME.
ARGUMENT IS PART OF RELATIONSHIPS,
AND THERE IS A PRODUCTIVE, USEFUL WAY TO ARGUE.
BUT ARGUMENT, WHEN DONE PROPERLY,
IS A CONVERSATION ABOUT AN ISSUE THAT WE WANT TO RESOLVE.
ABUSE IS ME EXERTING MY AUTHORITY OVER YOU,
EMOTIONALLY OR PHYSICALLY.
SO WE'RE GOING TO COME BACK TO ABUSE--
WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT ENDING ABUSE ALSO,
BUT LET'S TALK ABOUT ENDING RELATIONSHIPS IN GENERAL.
THIS IS THE NORMAL CYCLE--
I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU ANOTHER GRAPHIC HERE IN A MOMENT
WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE-- BUT THE NORMAL CYCLE
OF ENDING A RELATIONSHIP-- AND THIS CAN BE A MARRIAGE,
IT CAN BE A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP,
AND IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.
THE FIRST THING WE DO IS WE START FOCUSING
ON OUR DISSATISFACTION-- "I'M NOT ENJOYING THE RELATIONSHIP.
"IT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME ANYMORE."
THEN, I SHARE IT WITH THE PARTNER-- "I'M NOT HAPPY.
"IT'S NOT WORKING."
EACH ONE OF THESE, AS YOU'LL SEE IN THE GRAPHIC IN A MOMENT,
YOU CAN WORK THROUGH.
THEN, WE ANNOUNCE THE BREAKUP TO OTHERS.
AND THEN, LASTLY, DONE IN A HEALTHY WAY,
WE DEVISE ACCOUNTS OF THE BREAKUP.
SO LET'S LOOK AT THIS IN THE GRAPHIC.
SO "I'M NOT HAPPY," DISSATISFIED...
AT SOME POINT, THE THRESHOLD IS, "I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE.
"I DESERVE BETTER," WHAT HAVE YOU.
NOW, YOU START GOING THROUGH THESE STAGES--
YOU FOCUS ON THE PARTNER'S BEHAVIOR,
YOU ASSESS THE ADEQUACY OF THE PARTNER,
YOU DEPICT AND EVALUATE NEGATIVE ASPECTS
OF BEING IN THE RELATIONSHIP,
YOU START CONSIDERING THE COST OF WITHDRAWAL.
YOU KNOW, IF IT'S BEEN A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP,
ARE YOU MARRIED, DO YOU HAVE A HOUSE, DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
YOU ASSESS THE POSITIVE ASPECTS OF THE ALTERNATIVE RELATIONSHIPS--
"OKAY, IF I LEAVE, WHAT WOULD BE GOOD ABOUT THAT?"
YOU'RE ESSENTIALLY DOING A COST-BENEFIT ANALYSIS.
THEN, YOU'RE READY TO EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS,
OR REPRESS MY THOUGHTS.
IT'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.
"YEAH, I'M NOT HAPPY, BUT IT'S NOT WORTH LEAVING.
"I'M NOT HAPPY, BUT THE COST OF LEAVING IS TOO MUCH.
"IT'S GOING TO DESTROY MY CHILDREN'S LIVES.
"IT'S GOING TO FINANCIALLY DISRUPT US."
THAT CAN HAPPEN.
BUT ASSUMING THAT YOU SAY, "NOPE,
"I'VE REACHED THE THRESHOLD.
"YUP, COST-BENEFIT-- I'D BE JUSTIFIED TO LEAVE."
THEN, DIDACTIC-- DIDACTIC MEANING "TWO"--
NOW, YOU CONFRONT THE ISSUE, CONFRONT THE PARTNER.
YOU DISCUSS THE RELATIONSHIP.
HOPEFULLY, YOU ATTEMPT TO REPAIR THE RELATIONSHIP
AND TO RECONCILE.
ASSUMING THIS DOESN'T WORK, AS PART OF IT--
AGAIN, NOW, YOU'RE ASSESSING THE COST.
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?
THEN, YOU GET TO THE "I MEAN IT" STAGE.
THIS IS NOT UNCOMMON IN TALKING TO COUPLES
WHO HAVE BEEN IN COUPLES COUNSELING--
ALMOST ALWAYS ONE OF THEM WILL SAY,
"I GOT TO A POINT WHERE I SAID 'IT'S OVER, I'M LEAVING.'"
AND THE PARTNER SAYS, "WAIT A SECOND-- THIS IS REAL?
"YOU MEANT IT?"
"WELL, YEAH, WE SPENT 12 MONTHS IN COUNSELING."
BUT IT'S NOT UNCOMMON FOR ONE PERSON--
THEY ARE NOT UNDERSTANDING THE SCOPE OF THIS.
SO ONCE YOU'VE SAID, "YUP, WE'RE LEAVING, IT'S OVER,"
NOW YOU HAVE TO GO PUBLIC.
SO YOU MOVE INTO THE SOCIAL PHASE.
YOU NEGOTIATE THE BREAKUP, YOU START INITIATING GOSSIP,
YOUR DISCUSSIONS WITH FRIENDS, FAMILIES, AND OTHERS,
BECAUSE YOU WANT TO CREATE A PUBLIC FACE.
THIS IS WHY YOU CAN NEVER GET A TRUE STORY
ABOUT WHO IS AT FAULT...
BECAUSE WE'RE PROTECTING OURSELVES.
WE HAVE A PSYCHOLOGICAL NEED
TO BELIEVE THAT WE DID THE RIGHT THING.
SO IN THE INITIAL STAGE,
I'M GOING TO SAY WHAT I DID WAS RIGHT
AND I'M GOING TO DEMONIZE THIS PERSON AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT,
IF NOT A LOT.
AND THEN, I'M GOING TO LOOK AT HOW ARE MY FRIENDS REACTING.
ARE THEY LIKE, FREAKING OUT SAYING, "THIS IS STUPID.
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"
OKAY, "WELL, MAYBE IT'S NOT THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
"MAYBE I'VE MISSED SOMETHING."
BUT ASSUMING THIS GOES WELL, NOW IT'S INEVITABLE.
NOW IT'S HAPPENED.
THE BREAKUP OCCURS, THE DIVORCE OCCURS.
NOW, I NEED TO GET OVER IT.
IF I'M INTENDING TO BE IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP AFTER THIS,
I ALSO NEED TO ENGAGE "WHAT WENT WRONG?"
BECAUSE A RELATIONSHIP IS, BY DEFINITION,
A RELATIONSHIP, WHICH MEANS TO PEOPLE.
AND SO, EVEN IF IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO,
EVEN IF THIS IS A PARTNER THAT I NEEDED TO LEAVE,
I NEED TO EVALUATE "WHY WAS I IN THIS TO BEGIN WITH?"
SO "HOW CAN I NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN?"
SO SOME OF THE FACTORS--
I'VE JUST GOT A COUPLE OF SLIDES LEFT--
A COUPLE OF FACTORS AROUND THE EFFECT
OF A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP OR DIVORCE.
PRE-DIVORCE OR PRE-BREAKUP--
"I'M UNHAPPY BUT I'M A BIT AMBIVALENT.
"SHOULD WE SPLIT UP?"
THIS THINKING STAGE CAN SOMETIMES BE JUST AS STRESSFUL
BECAUSE, FRANKLY, YOU KNOW THAT STRESS AND ANXIETY COMES FROM
A LACK OF CONTROL, A LACK OF KNOWING.
IT'S LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I SHOULD BREAKUP OR NOT.
"I DON'T KNOW WHETHER WE SHOULD SEPARATE OR NOT."
THAT'S A HARD THING TO THINK THROUGH.
THEN, DURING THE SEPARATION, THE REAL WORLD CHANGES.
THE SPLITTING UP OF FRIENDS...
MOST OF US UNDERESTIMATE.
WHAT HAPPENS IS TO EMOTIONALLY PREPARE UP TO SPLIT UP,
WE DO HAVE TO KIND OF DEMONIZE THE SITUATION,
DEMONIZE OUR PARTNER.
WHEN WE ACTUALLY SPLIT UP,
THEN SOME OF THE GOOD THINGS THAT WE DIDN'T THINK ABOUT
SHOW UP LIKE, "WELL, I HAVE TO EAT ALONE EVERY NIGHT NOW.
"AND EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T A FULFILLING RELATIONSHIP,
"I HAD SOMEBODY TO GO TO MOVIES WITH,
"I HAD SOMEBODY TO SHARE RESPONSIBILITIES WITH."
SO YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THOSE REAL-WORLD SITUATIONS.
THE LONG-TERM IMPACT-- IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN,
THEN IT BECOMES A CHRONIC STRESSOR.
BUT IN SOME CASES, IT ACTUALLY...
CREATES SELF-EFFICACY.
IT'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW, I REALLY CAN STAND ON MY OWN.
"I DON'T NEED TO HAVE A PARTNER.
"I REALLY AM CAPABLE AND DESERVING OF A GOOD LIFE."
ALL RIGHT, WHAT ABOUT THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS?
WHAT HAPPENS HERE?
WELL, THIS IS USUALLY ONE OF THE MOST DIFFICULT STAGES.
THIS IS A STAGE OF DENIAL THAT OFTEN TIMES PEOPLE ARE IN
WHEN THEY'RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP,
WHICH IS REALIZING THAT HURTING SOMEONE IS NEVER A SIGN OF LOVE.
PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND LOVE CANNOT COEXIST.
SO YOU HAVE TO FIRST REALIZE THAT.
THEN, DON'T THINK THAT THE VIOLENCE IS JUST GOING TO STOP,
NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE OR SHE--
AND IT'S USUALLY, UNFORTUNATELY, A "HE,"
ALTHOUGH SOMETIMES IT IS A "SHE"--
NO MATTER HOW THE TIMES THEY PROMISE THEY WON'T DO IT AGAIN,
IT'S NOT JUST GOING TO MAGICALLY STOP.
WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IS A DEEP-ROOTED ISSUE
WITHIN THAT PERSON.
THAT IS NOT TO SUGGEST THAT THEY CAN'T RETHINK THEIR BEHAVIOR,
BUT IT'S NOT JUST GOING TO MAGICALLY DISAPPEAR.
THEN, THE PERSON TO LEAVE NEEDS TO REACH OUT TO OTHERS--
FRIENDS, FAMILIES, COUNSELORS, RESOURCE CENTERS...
GRAND RAPIDS COMMUNITY COLLEGE,
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE STUDENTS, AND YOU FIND YOURSELF,
OR YOU BELIEVE YOU'RE IN THIS KIND OF RELATIONSHIP,
YOU CAN GO RIGHT TO THE COUNSELING OFFICE.
THEY WILL MEET WITH YOU, THEY WILL HELP YOU THINK THROUGH IT,
THEY WILL PROVIDE FREE COUNSELING FOR A PERIOD OF TIME,
THEY WILL HELP YOU CONNECT TO OUTSIDE RESOURCES.
SO FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE A STUDENT,
YOU HAVE RESOURCES IF YOU'RE IN THAT SITUATION.
MAKE A PLAN-- SO IF YOU'RE LIVING TOGETHER,
IF YOU'RE FINANCIALLY TIED TOGETHER,
IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, THINK THROUGH IT.
AND THAT'S WHERE THE OTHERS CAN HELP YOU.
AND THEN, LEAVE.
SEEK PROTECTION-- SOMETIMES IT'S LEGAL PROTECTION,
SOMETIMES IT'S JUST PHYSICALLY MOVING IN A PLACE
WHERE THE PERSON DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO YOU.
AND THEN, AGAIN, ASSESS AND LEARN FROM THE EXPERIENCE.
WHY WERE YOU IN THAT TO BEGIN WITH?
AND HOW CAN YOU DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY?
OKAY, LASTLY...
YOU WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP,
SO WE'LL END ON A POSITIVE NOTE,
NOT A NEGATIVE, A DOWNER.
SO WHAT CAN YOU DO TO FIND LOVE?
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO FIND A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?
WELL, FIRST AND FOREMOST,
YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN AND SHOULD BE LOVED.
YOUR SELF-TALK, YOUR BELIEF ABOUT YOU AS A HUMAN BEING
SHOULD SAY, "I'M WORTHY OF LOVE.
"IN FACT, I'M A PRETTY DAMN GOOD CATCH.
"SOMEBODY DESERVES ME AND I DESERVE SOMEBODY EQUALLY GOOD."
WORK ON YOURSELF.
FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF.
BE THE BEST PERSON YOU CAN BE.
PRESENT YOUR BEST SELF.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU DO THAT, WHEN YOU WORK ON YOURSELF,
YOU BUILD A SENSE OF SELF EFFICACY,
YOU BUILD A SENSE OF SELF EFFICACY
AT THE SAME TIME YOU BUILD A SENSE OF HIGH SELF-ESTEEM.
IF YOU HAVE A HIGH SELF-ESTEEM, THEN AT THAT POINT, YOU SAY,
"I'M WORTHY OF HAVING A GOOD RELATIONSHIP."
BE AROUND-- GUESS WHAT?
NOBODY'S GOING TO SHOW UP AT YOUR APARTMENT AND ASK YOU OUT.
(audience chuckling) NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
NOW, YOU ARE LUCKY-- MOST OF YOU, BECAUSE YOU'RE IN COLLEGE.
A LOT OF PEOPLE AROUND.
WHEN YOU'RE OLDER, THEN YOU HAVE TO MAKE AN EFFORT.
JOIN CHURCH GROUPS, GO ON--
TAKE CLASSES, WHATEVER IT TAKES TO BE AROUND PEOPLE.
BECAUSE AGAIN, REMEMBER WHAT CAUSES US TO FIND SOMEBODY--
YOU'VE GOT TO BE AROUND PEOPLE.
SHOW INTEREST IN PEOPLE.
NOT LIKE I DO-- BECAUSE THOSE OF YOU WHO KNOW ME, YOU KNOW,
IT'S LIKE-- I HAVE A LOT OF INTEREST
BUT I LIKE TO LOOK AT PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW, DO THAT PSYCHOLOGIST THING,
WHICH USUALLY CAUSES PEOPLE TO RUN AWAY.
(audience chuckling)
I'M TALKING ABOUT SHOWING GENUINE INTEREST IN THE PERSON.
ASK THEM ABOUT THEIR LIFE.
WHAT DO THEY BELIEVE, WHAT DO THEY LIKE?
I LOVE THESE TWO.
MOST PEOPLE BELIEVE IF YOU WANT SOMEBODY TO LIKE YOU,
YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING FOR THEM, RIGHT?
DO SOMETHING NICE FOR THEM.
THE OPPOSITE IS ACTUALLY TRUE.
IF YOU WANT SOMEBODY TO LIKE YOU MORE, YOU WANT TO CONVINCE THEM
TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOU.
IT'S BASIC COGNITIVE DISSONANCE THEORY,
IF YOU ASK SOMEBODY TO TAKE YOU HOME
AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO TAKE YOU HOME--
IT'S A CHOICE, RIGHT?
HERE'S WHAT GOES ON IN THEIR HEAD--
"ALL RIGHT, I JUST DROVE 20--"
THEY'RE NOT THINKING IT OUT LOUD, BUT UNCONSCIOUSLY,
NON-CONSCIOUSLY, THEY'RE THINKING,
"I JUST WENT 20 MINUTES OUT OF MY WAY TO TAKE THIS PERSON HOME.
"I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT-- I CHOSE TO DO IT.
"I'M A GOOD, SMART PERSON-- MY TIME IS VALUABLE.
"SO WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
"OH, I MUST LIKE THEM...
"BECAUSE I WOULDN'T DO IT-- THAT'D BE STUPID
"IF I DID IT FOR SOMEBODY I DIDN'T LIKE."
SO IN FACT, THE PSYCHOLOGY IS...
WHEN PEOPLE DO SOMETHING FOR YOU,
THEY ACTUALLY LIKE YOU MORE.
NOW, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT MANIPULATING PEOPLE.
I WANT YOU TO BE KIND AND GENTLE.
(audience laughing) HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
DO SOMETHING EXCITING.
IF YOU HAVE A CHOICE BETWEEN GOING TO A HORROR FLICK
AND A ROMANTIC COMEDY, GO TO THE HORROR FLICK.
MISATTRIBUTION OF EMOTION.
OR GO ON A ROLLER COASTER RIDE.
IT'S REALLY GOOD.
BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS IS IS THAT AN EMOTIONAL STATE--
WHEN YOU GO TO SOMETHING SCARY LIKE A ROLLER COASTER
OR A HORROR FLICK--
AND THAT'S ASSUMING THAT IT'S NOT PUTTING THEM OVER THE EDGE,
WHERE THEY ARE FREAKED OUT--
BUT WHAT HAPPENS IS YOU GET A LITTLE BIT AFRAID.
THAT'S THE SAME PHYSIOLOGY OF LOVE.
YOU KNOW, HEART RATE...
BODY BECOMES FLUSHED...
ADRENALINE STARTS FLOWING.
WHAT HAPPENS IS THEN A LITTLE BIT OF THAT BIOLOGY
SPILLS OVER TO THE PERSON YOU'RE WITH.
WE MISATTRIBUTE SOME OF THAT PHYSIOLOGY
TOWARDS THE PERSON CAUSING IT.
MAKE IT EQUAL.
THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT-- THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR TWO REASONS.
NUMBER ONE IS IT CREATES THAT TIT-FOR-TAT RELATIONSHIP.
THE OTHER PIECE, THOUGH, IS THAT IT ACTUALLY EMPOWERS YOU.
PSYCHOLOGICALLY, YOU KNOW THAT IF THE PERSON
THAT YOU'RE GOING OUT WITH IS ALWAYS BUYING THE MEALS,
ALWAYS PAYING FOR THINGS, ALWAYS DRIVING...
YOU COGNITIVELY, CONSCIOUSLY OR UNCONSCIOUSLY,
FEEL THE NEED FOR EQUALITY...
WHICH MEANS THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WAYS,
"WELL, HOW CAN I MAKE THIS RELATIONSHIP EQUAL?
"THIS PERSON IS GIVING ME ALL OF THIS STUFF.
"WHAT AM I GOING TO DO TO MAKE IT EQUAL?"
WELL, YOU MIGHT END UP DOING SOMETHING
YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO DO.
SO MAKE IT EQUAL RIGHT FROM THE GET-GO.
AND THEN, LASTLY, YOU KNOW WHAT-- TAKE A CHANCE.
I GUARANTEE YOU YOU'RE GOING TO GET YOUR HEART BROKEN.
AT LEAST MOST OF US HAVE, RIGHT?
AT SOME POINT.
THAT'S PART OF THE PROCESS, THAT'S PART OF THE LEARNING.
IN FACT, ONE OF THE THINGS WE TALK ABOUT
IS SUCCESSIVE APPROXIMATION TOWARDS YOUR GOAL,
TOWARDS YOUR SUCCESS.
I'M GOING TO BET ALMOST EVERYBODY IN THIS ROOM,
IF YOU THINK ABOUT THE VERY FIRST PERSON YOU DATED,
YOU ARE REALLY THANKFUL THAT YOU DIDN'T END UP WITH THAT PERSON.
(audience chuckling)
BUT THAT WAS A LEARNING EXPERIENCE.
LIKE, "OKAY, I'M TAKING A SHOT IN THE DARK.
"OH, THAT DOESN'T REALLY WORK, DOES IT?"
SO YOU LEARN FROM THAT, THOUGH, AND THE NEXT PERSON
WAS A LITTLE CLOSER, AND THE NEXT PERSON--
AND THEN, EVENTUALLY, YOU HONE IN ON THAT RIGHT PERSON.
BUT THAT MEANS TAKING A CHANCE.
THAT MEANS UNDERSTANDING THAT YOU ARE CAPABLE
OF STANDING HEARTBREAK.
AND IN FACT, YOU WILL LEARN AND GROW FROM IT.
OKAY, NOW IT IS TIME FOR QUESTIONS, ANSWERS,
THOUGHTS, REFLECTIONS.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?
>> CLARIFICATION OF "SIMILARITY."
YOU MENTIONED ALL SIMILAR BEHAVIORS
BUT NOT SIMILAR INTERESTS.
>> YEAH, THE QUESTION IS-- I'M GONNA REPEAT THE QUESTION
BECAUSE THIS IS BEING RECORDED FOR YOUTUBE AND--
THE QUESTION OF SIMILARITY.
IT BASICALLY STARTS WITH PERSONALITY,
AND THEN IT BUILDS UP FROM THERE.
SO VALUES, PRINCIPLES, BEHAVIORS.
PERSONALITY COMES FIRST BECAUSE OUR BEHAVIORS
COME FROM OUR PERSONALITIES.
OUR EXPECTATIONS, OUR DESIRES COME FROM OUR PERSONALITY.
FAMILY VALUES-- IT'S MORE DIFFICULT FOR PEOPLE
WHO ARE DIFFERENT SOCIOECONOMIC BACKGROUNDS TO PAIR.
THAT IS NOT TO SUGGEST THEY CAN'T,
IF THEY HAVE OTHER SIMILARITIES, BUT BASICALLY,
IF YOU THINK ABOUT ALL OF THE THINGS
THAT MAKE YOU A PERSON FROM WHAT YOUR PERSONALITY IS,
FROM THE THINGS YOU DO ON A DAILY BASIS,
YOUR EDUCATIONAL GOALS, WHERE YOU WANT TO LIVE,
ALL OF THOSE THINGS, THE MORE SIMILAR--
THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE 100%--
BUT THE MORE SIMILAR,
THE MORE LIKELY YOU ARE TO SUSTAIN A RELATIONSHIP.
WHAT ELSE?
NOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T HAVE QUESTIONS.
>> HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DOPAMINE"?
>> I HAVE NOT.
THE QUESTION OF HAVE I SEEN THE MOVIE "DOPAMINE"-- I HAVE NOT.
>> OKAY, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU HAD SEEN
AND WHAT YOUR TAKE ON IT WAS.
>> SINCE I HAVEN'T SEEN IT, I DON'T HAVE A "TAKE."
(audience laughing)
>> WHAT WOULD YOU RECOMMEND WHEN THERE
IS AN EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION BUT NO SEXUAL ATTRACTION?
>> THAT'S A REALLY GOOD FRIEND.
THE QUESTION IS WHEN YOU HAVE AN EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION
BUT NO PHYSICAL ATTRACTION.
THAT'S AN OPPORTUNITY FOR JUST A MARVELOUS FRIENDSHIP.
NOW, THE THING IS, IS THAT THE DATA WOULD ACTUALLY SUGGEST
THAT IF YOU'RE ATTRACTED--
YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE HETEROSEXUAL AND IT'S A WOMAN,
OR IF YOU'RE HOMOSEXUAL AND IT'S A MAN,
THE DATA WOULD SUGGEST THAT THE EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION,
ASSUMING THAT IT IS SHARED, WILL EVENTUALLY--
OR COULD EVENTUALLY EVOLVE INTO A PASSIONATE
AND A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP.
IF IT DOESN'T, THEN YOU HAVE A MARVELOUS, GOOD FRIEND.
>> (indistinct speaking).
>> YEAH, THE QUESTION IS HOW DO YOU MAKE IT EQUAL
"WHEN THE FINANCIAL STATUS IS DIFFERENT?"
WELL, THAT'S WHEN YOU GET TO A COMMUNAL RELATIONSHIP.
WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS THE TOTALITY OF EQUALITY,
WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IS--
YEAH, BECAUSE IN MOST CASES,
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE SOME UNEQUAL FINANCIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
SO THE QUESTION IS HOW DOES THE PERSON FEEL-- BOTH OF THEM?
AND DOES THE PERSON FEEL LIKE THERE'S SOME BALANCE
THAT IS HAPPENING TO MAKE IT EQUAL?
SO FINANCE CAN ACTUALLY BE QUITE COMPLICATED
IF ONE PERSON FEELS LIKE, "I'M MAKING ALL THE MONEY
"AND YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY EFFORT TO MAKE THE MONEY."
BUT YOU COULD ALSO HAVE A SITUATION IS THAT,
"YES, YOU'RE LIVING YOUR DREAM
"AND YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO DO.
"I'M LIVING MY DREAM.
"WE ARE NURTURING EACH OTHER SPIRITUALLY,
"AND ALONG WITH THAT,
"YOU PROVIDE FOR ME AN EMOTIONAL FOUNDATION.
"YOU PROVIDE FOR ME THESE THINGS THAT ALLOW ME
"TO MAKE MORE MONEY.
"YOU CREATE A FOUNDATION FOR ME TO MAKE THAT."
YOU HAVE TO, IN A COMMUNAL WAY, FEEL THAT THERE IS EQUALITY.
>> SO WOULD YOU SAY THAT LOVE IS A CHOICE?
>> ABSOLUTELY, LOVE IS A CHOICE.
WE CHOOSE TO LOVE.
IS THERE A BIOLOGICAL ATTRACTION TO MATE?
YES.
I MEAN, THAT'S SURVIVAL OF THE SPECIES.
BUT LOVE IS A CHOICE AND MOST THEORISTS IN LOVE THEORY
WOULD ARGUE THAT-- THAT WE CHOOSE TO LOVE.
AND BY CHOOSING TO LOVE, IT ACTUALLY EMPOWERS US.
IT ACTUALLY ALLOWS US TO SAY,
"HEY, I DON'T HAVE TO BE ABUSED,"
OR "I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE INEQUALITY,
"AND I DESERVE TO BE NURTURED."
SO YES, I ABSOLUTELY BELIEVE LOVE IS A CHOICE.
>> SO LIKE YOU WERE SAYING EARLIER--
IF YOU DO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP
AND YOU START LOSING THE PASSION,
THAT COULD BE NORMAL
AND NOT SYMBOLIZE THE END OF THE RELATIONSHIP?
>> YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.
THE QUESTION IS, IS IF YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP
AND YOU START LOSING THE PASSION,
IS THAT NORMAL OR DOES IT SYMBOLIZE THE WANING
OR THE END OF THE RELATIONSHIP,
AND THE ANSWER TO THAT IS I GUARANTEE YOU,
IN ANY LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP,
THAT YOU'RE GOING TO SEE PASSION DECREASE.
NOT NECESSARILY LONG-TERM,
BUT THERE ARE GOING TO BE PERIODS OF TIME
WHEN THE PASSION WILL DECREASE.
AND SOMETIMES IT'S SITUATIONAL.
WHEN YOU HAVE A TWO-YEAR-OLD BABY, YOU KNOW,
SCREAMING AND SPITTING UP FOOD AND STUFF,
IT'S REALLY HARD TO BE SEXY. (audience laughing)
AND IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT SEXY, BUT--
OR AGAIN, IF YOU'VE GOT EXAMS IF YOU'RE WORRYING ABOUT MONEY,
YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAVE AN UNHEALTHY PARENT,
THEN STRESSORS DECREASE OUR SEXUALITY.
IN FACT, ONE OF THE THINGS WE ALSO KNOW-- IT'S CYCLICAL.
I MEAN, THERE'S SO MUCH RESEARCH THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TIME
TO SHARE IT ALL.
THERE IS A MARVELOUS STUDY THAT LOOKED AT WOMEN'S APPAREL
WHEN THEY ARE OVULATING VERSUS WHEN THEY'RE MENSTRUAL CYCLE--
WOMEN SHOW MORE SKIN WHEN THEY'RE OVULATING
THAN WHEN THEY'RE IN THEIR MENSTRUAL CYCLE,
AND EVEN IF YOU HAVE THEM DRESS THEMSELVES--
LIKE HAVE LITTLE CARTOONS AND THEN DRAW CLOTHES,
THEY DRAW LESS CLOTHES ON THEMSELVES
WHEN THEY ARE OVULATING.
SO EVEN IN A MONTH, THERE'S A CYCLE.
AND MEN HAVE SIMILAR CYCLES.
SO YEAH, YOU'RE GOING TO EXPECT THAT ON A MONTHLY, YEARLY,
AND A LIFETIME BASIS.
THAT'S WHERE THE OTHER SUSTAINS IT.
AND WHAT YOU FIND, THEN, IF YOU DO THOSE OTHER QUALITIES,
LIKE FIND THINGS THAT YOU DO TOGETHER THAT YOU ENJOY,
IT ALLOWS YOU TO REKINDLE THE PASSION,
ASSUMING THAT IT WAS THERE AT ONE POINT.
>> (indistinct speaking).
>> YES.
>> WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IS THE HEALTHY WAY
TO GO ABOUT THOSE DIFFERENCES?
YOU KNOW, AGREE TO DISAGREE OR...?
>> THE QUESTION IS ABOUT HOW TO ENGAGE IN HEALTHY ARGUMENTS,
WHICH IS A VERY IMPORTANT PIECE.
NUMBER ONE, FIRST AND FOREMOST,
IS YOU REMEMBER THAT YOU LOVE THIS PERSON.
FIRST AND FOREMOST, YOU HAVE TO KEEP IN YOUR MIND
THAT YOU LOVE THIS PERSON.
SECONDARILY, YOU VIEW ARGUMENT AS A WAY TO PROBLEM SOLVE.
SO IF YOU VIEW IT AS A WAY TO PROBLEM SOLVE,
THEN YOU FOCUS ON "WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU?
"HONESTLY, WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU?"
AND SO, YOU SPEAK FROM AN "I" STATEMENT
ABOUT "WHEN YOU DO THIS, THIS IS WHAT I FEEL.
"HERE IS WHAT'S BOTHERING--"
SO YOU DON'T SAY, "WHEN YOU DO THAT--
"YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THAT."
YOU ALSO, AGAIN-- YOU DON'T BERATE THE PERSON.
YOU NEVER BERATE THE PERSON-- IN ARGUMENTS, IT'S EASIER TO DO.
YOU DON'T GO TO PAST EVENTS.
"WELL, THREE YEARS AGO...
"WELL, LAST WEEK..."
SO IF YOU WANT TO DO IS TO FOCUS--
AND YOU WANT TO GENUINELY LISTEN TO THE PERSON
AND TRY AND UNDERSTAND WHAT ARE THEY UPSET ABOUT.
WHAT IS CAUSING THEM TO FEEL THIS WAY?
SO THE BEST WAY TO THINK ABOUT IT
IS YOU FOCUS NOT ON THE PERSON
BUT THE ISSUE AT HAND.
REMEMBER FIRST AND FOREMOST THAT YOU LOVE THE PERSON.
BECAUSE AGAIN, IF YOU LOVE THE PERSON,
WHY WOULD YOU INSULT THEM?
WHY WOULD YOU INTENTIONALLY WANT TO MAKE THEM FEEL BAD?
>> WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO GO ABOUT CONTINUING
IN A RELATIONSHIP AFTER YOU'VE BROKEN UP
BUT YOU WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER?
>> (chuckling) THE QUESTION IS
HOW DO YOU CONTINUE A RELATIONSHIP
AFTER YOU'VE BROKEN UP AND YOU WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER?
WHO WANTS TO GET BACK TOGETHER-- BOTH PEOPLE?
THEN, WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS--
AND THIS IS WHERE WE GET IN TROUBLE WITH LOVE,
THE SAME THING WE GET IN TROUBLE
WITH ALL KINDS OF HUMAN THINGS LIKE SEX, WHATEVER.
IS THE FIRST THING YOU NEED TO DO IS TO APPROACH IT
SOMEWHAT SCIENTIFICALLY, SOMEWHAT PROBLEM-SOLVING,
WHICH IS TO HAVE A CONVERSATION
ABOUT WHY DIDN'T IT WORK TO BEGIN WITH.
"WHAT WAS IT THAT CAUSED US TO BREAK UP TO BEGIN WITH?
"WHAT ABOUT ME, WHAT ABOUT YOU, WHAT ABOUT US?"
AND THEN, ENTERTAIN THE QUESTION,
"SO WHAT IS DIFFERENT TODAY?
"IS ANYTHING DIFFERENT TODAY?"
BECAUSE IF IT'S NOT,
YOU KNOW, WHILE YOU MIGHT WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER,
IT'S JUST NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
SO YOU HAVE TO APPROACH IT IN A VERY ANALYTICAL WAY,
WHICH WE DON'T LIKE TO DO WITH LOVE.
ANALYTICAL... LOVE?
NO-- IT'S JUST SUPPOSED TO BE BELLS AND WHISTLES
AND LITTLE CUPIDS RUNNING AROUND.
YOU JUST HAVE TO BE VERY HONEST ABOUT IT.
>> DO YOU THINK THAT PEOPLE CAN BE FRIENDS AFTER THEY BREAK UP?
>> CAN PEOPLE BE FRIENDS AFTER THEY BREAK UP?
WELL, AGAIN, IT DEPENDS ON THE INTENSITY OF THE RELATIONSHIP,
IT DEPENDS ON WHY THEY BROKE UP.
IT'S REALLY HARD BECAUSE THERE IS AN EMOTIONAL PIECE
THAT TIES INTO IT.
IT DOES HAPPEN BUT IT'S REALLY DIFFICULT.
NOW, IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN,
THEN YOU NEED TO WORK TOWARDS IT VERY STRONGLY
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT IS A BUMPER STICKER--
"BEHAVE FOR THE CHILDREN."
THAT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE.
AND SO, THE MORE YOU CAN WORK TOWARDS PROBLEM-SOLVING--
BUT IT'S REALLY DIFFICULT TO DO.
>> ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE WORD "LIMERENCE"?
>> LIMERENCE-- I'M NOT.
DO YOU WANT TO TELL ME WHAT IT IS?
>> OH, I JUST WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU...
(indistinct speaking). >> OKAY.
>> DO YOU BELIEVE LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS CAN (indistinct)?
>> THIS IS ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE INTERESTING PIECES.
DISTANCE DOES NOT MAKE THE HEART GROW FONDER.
DISTANCE MAKES THE EYES WANDER. (audience laughing)
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT-- I'M NOT SUGGESTING IT CAN'T WORK,
BUT NUMBER ONE, YOU HAVE TO RECOGNIZE THAT IT'S NOT EASY,
THAT IT IS PAINFUL AND DIFFICULT,
AND YOU NEED TO FIND WAYS-- NOW, THERE--
AND THERE NEEDS TO BE A VERY SPECIFIC REASONS.
SO IF YOUR PARTNER IS IN IRAQ AND YOU KNOW THAT HE OR SHE
IS GOING TO BE THERE FOR A PERIOD OF TIME,
YOU KNOW THERE'S A REASON FOR IT.
IT MAKES IT A LOT EASIER TO JUSTIFY IT.
BUT BECAUSE OF WHAT YOUR PARTNER PROVIDES YOU--
LIKE THE PASSION PART MOST PEOPLE CAN MANAGE FAIRLY WELL.
BUT IT'S THE INTIMACY PIECE THAT WE REALLY NEED.
IT'S THAT AFFIRMING PIECE THAT WE REALLY NEED.
IT'S WHY WE HAVE THIS PERSON IN OUR LIVES.
SO IF IT'S LONG-DISTANCE, THERE NEEDS TO BE A REASON
AND I NEED TO UNDERSTAND THE DURATION OF IT--
AT LEAST A BALLPARK DURATION--
AND I HAVE TO WORK REALLY HARD
TO KEEP THAT INTIMACY CONNECTION ALIVE,
BECAUSE THAT'S WHY I'VE GOT THIS PERSON IN MY LIFE.
>> CAN GUYS AND GIRLS "JUST BE FRIENDS"?
>> CAN GUYS AND GIRLS JUST BE FRIENDS?
SURE.
YOU CAN BE-- IT'S DIFFICULT.
IT'S DIFFICULT BECAUSE INTIMACY, REMEMBER, CAN EVOKE PASSION.
SO YOU HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE ABOUT "ALL RIGHT,
"FOR SITUATIONAL REASONS, FOR CULTURAL REASONS, WHATEVER,
"I'M GONNA MAKE A CHOICE TO HAVE THESE."
NOW, IT IS DIFFICULT BECAUSE OF THAT NEXIS OF--
YOU KNOW, WHEN WE HAVE EMOTIONAL CONNECTIONS,
IT OFTEN TIMES WILL EVOKE PHYSICAL CONNECTIONS.
BUT IT CAN BE DONE.
>> (indistinct speaking).
>> THE QUESTION IS IF THERE IS BOREDOM IN THE RELATIONSHIP
WITHOUT CHILDREN, DO I THINK THE PASSION WILL EVER COME BACK?
ASSUMING THAT YOU HAVE INTIMACY AND COMMITMENT, THEN YEAH,
YOU CAN TYPICALLY SPARK PASSION.
ONE OF THE THINGS YOU NEED TO DO IS HAVE A CONVERSATION ABOUT IT,
TO BE HONEST ABOUT IT.
AND THEN, DO THINGS THAT YOU ENJOY TOGETHER,
NOT FOCUSED ON THE PASSION PART NECESSARILY,
BUT DO SOME THINGS THAT REALLY CREATES EXCITEMENT
IN THE BOTH OF YOU, AND THEN OFTEN TIMES,
YOU CAN TAKE THAT EXCITEMENT--
AGAIN, IT'S SORT OF THAT MISATTRIBUTION OF EMOTION--
AND TRANSFER IT.
SO IF THERE'S SOMETHING THAT YOU BOTH REALLY ENJOY DOING,
SPEND TIME DOING IT.
AND WHEN YOU GET THOSE GOOD FEELINGS ABOUT THE BEHAVIOR,
YOU CAN TAKE THAT AND TRANSFER IT INTO PASSION.
>> (indistinct speaking).
>> ONLY IF YOU'RE FOCUSED ENTIRELY ON THE PASSION.
IF THE PASSION IS ALL THAT I'M REALLY INTERESTED IN,
THAT'S THE DOMINANT--
THERE'S CERTAINLY-- AND MANY RELATIONSHIPS ARE THAT WAY.
YOU KNOW, IT'S THE SIX WEEKS OF PASSION, AND THEN IT'S OVER.
BUT IT'S NOT TO SUGGEST THAT A RELATIONSHIP
THAT ORIGINATES WITH PASSION COULDN'T BE--
COULDN'T EVOLVE INTO MORE.
IT'S MORE LIKELY THAT THE OPPOSITE OCCURS,
THAT INTIMACY AND COMMITMENT EVOLVE INTO PASSION
THAN THE OPPOSITE.
>> HOW DO YOU SUGGEST EQUALIZING YOUR TIME
BETWEEN YOUR PARTNER AND YOUR CHILD
WITHOUT ONE OF THEM GETTING JEALOUS?
>> HOW DO YOU EQUALIZE YOUR TIME BETWEEN YOUR PARTNER
AND YOUR CHILD SO THAT ONE OF THEM DOESN'T GET JEALOUS?
WELL, THE POINT HERE IS THE ISSUE OF JEALOUSY.
NEITHER ONE OF THEM SHOULD GET JEALOUS.
I MEAN, THIS IS ONE OF THOSE COMMITTED PIECES
OF A RELATIONSHIP.
CHILDREN, AT TIMES, TAKE FAR MORE TIME
THAN YOU WANT TO GIVE THEM...
BUT THAT'S JUST THE COMMITMENT TO RAISING A CHILD.
AND SO, PART OF THAT IS AN HONEST CONVERSATION
ABOUT "YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I'M SPENDING TIME HERE
"DOESN'T SUGGEST THAT I DON'T WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU,"
BUT IT'S ONE OF THOSE HONEST, ANALYTICAL PIECES
THAT "WE NEED TO BE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW.
"AND I WILL COMMIT THAT WE CAN CONNECT TO FINDING WAYS
"IN WHICH WE CAN BE TOGETHER."
SO IT MAY BE-- "LET'S-- THE WEEKS ARE REALLY BAD
"BUT WHAT WE CAN DO
"IS HOW ABOUT LET'S GET GRANDMA TO WATCH THE CHILD,
"AND THEN WE'RE GOING TO SPEND FOUR HOURS--
"OR IF WE'RE REALLY LUCKY--
"MAYBE WE CAN GET A NIGHT SOMEWHERE."
PART OF IT IS JUST THAT OPEN HONESTY
AND PART OF IT IS AN ACCEPTANCE BY BOTH PARTNERS
THAT WHEN YOU HAVE CHILDREN, YOU DON'T GET EQUAL TIME,
AND THAT'S JUST A REALITY.
>> WHEN YOU'RE DATING SOMEONE THAT IS NOT AS MATURE
AS YOU ARE-- CAN YOU STILL MAKE IT WORK?
>> DATING SOMEONE WHO'S NOT AS MATURE?
"MATURE" IS DEFINED AS...? >> AS MENTALLY TYPE OF THING.
>> EMOTIONALLY OR...?
WELL AGAIN, IT GETS BACK TO THAT SIMILARITY ISSUE.
MATURITY, IT WOULD BE A MEASURE OF SIMILARITY.
SO IF YOU ARE MATURE-WISE OR DEVELOPMENTALLY
AT VERY DIFFERENT LEVELS,
IT'S GONNA BE HARD TO SUSTAIN THE RELATIONSHIP
BECAUSE IT'S GOING TO BE HARD--
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE DIFFERENT GOALS,
YOU'RE GOING TO SEE THE WORLD IN DIFFERENT WAYS,
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE DIFFERENT EXPERIENCES.
SO MATURITY IS ONE OF--
NOW, IF YOU HAVE LOTS OF OTHER SIMILARITIES,
THEN YOU MAY BE ABLE TO BALANCE IT OUT.
BUT NONETHELESS, THAT IS ONE OF THOSE SIMILARITY RUBRICS.
>> (indistinct speaking).
>> I'M TRYING TO MOVE SO I CAN SEE YOU.
THE QUESTION IS WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN YOU'RE OUTGOING,
BUT WHEN YOU GET AROUND YOUR PARTNER,
THAT YOU JUST FREEZE UP?
UM...
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
I MEAN, IF YOUR INNATE PERSONALITY
IS ONE TO BE OUTGOING AND SOCIAL,
AND THEN WHY IS THAT-- AND THAT REALLY IS WHO YOU ARE.
I MEAN, IF YOU LOOK AT THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
AND THAT IS REALLY HOW YOU BEHAVE,
THEN IT WOULD BE A RED FLAG FOR ME--
"WHY IS IT THAT MY BEHAVIOR IS SIGNIFICANTLY DIFFERENT
"WHEN I'M WITH MY PARTNER?"
BECAUSE WHAT YOU WANT IS A RELATIONSHIP
THAT DOESN'T CHANGE WHO YOU ARE
BUT, IN FACT, ENHANCES WHO YOU ARE,
THAT ACCEPTS YOUR CORE PERSONALITY,
YOUR CORE WAY OF BEING,
AND THEN PROVIDES YOU WITH A RELATIONSHIP,
WITH AN ENVIRONMENT,
THAT, IN FACT, ALLOWS THE PART TO GROW AND DEVELOP MORE.
SO I'D BE ASKING SOME MORE QUESTIONS
ABOUT "WHAT IS IT ABOUT THIS RELATIONSHIP THAT CAUSES ME
"TO BEHAVE-- IS IT ME?
"AM I PUTTING FORTH A FALSE SELF
"BECAUSE I THINK I NEED TO PLEASE THIS PERSON
"AND THAT'S NOT REALLY ACCURATE?
"IS IT THE PERSON WHO'S SAYING 'IF YOU DON'T BEHAVE THIS WAY,
"'I'M NOT GOING TO LOVE YOU'?"
I REALLY FOCUS ON THAT DYNAMIC
AND WONDER WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.
BECAUSE WHO I AM WHEN I'M WITH MY OTHER FRIENDS
AND WHO I ENJOY BEING OUGHT TO BE THE SAME PERSON
THAT YOU WOULD SEE WHEN YOU'RE WITH YOUR PARTNER.
>> WHAT SHOULD YOU DO IN A SITUATION
WHERE YOU'RE A LITTLE BIT MORE WITHDRAWN
AND THE OTHER PERSON IS JUST EXTREMELY NEEDY,
TO THE POINT OF... (indistinct).
>> WELL, THEN WE'RE GETTING BACK TO PERSONALITY ISSUES--
I MEAN, ATTACHMENT ISSUES.
YOU KNOW, AND IT'S CERTAINLY POSSIBLE THAT WE'VE GOT A PERSON
WHO HAS THAT ANXIOUS PERSONALITY DISORDER,
THAT IN FACT THEY REALLY NEED TO WORK ON THEMSELVES,
THEY REALLY NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT THEY ARE CAPABLE
OF BEING LOVED,
THAT THEY ARE CAPABLE OF BEING IN RELATIONSHIP,
THEY DESERVE TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.
THERE'S NOTHING THAT WE CAN DO FOR SOMEBODY ELSE.
THEY CAN ONLY DO IT FOR THEMSELVES.
AND SO, IN ANY GIVEN SITUATION,
PART OF OUR CONTINUING EVALUATION
IS "DOES THIS MEET THE DEFINITION OF LOVE?"
I MEAN, ALL RELATIONSHIPS HAVE COSTS.
ANY RELATIONSHIP WE HAVE, THERE IS A COST-BENEFIT RATIO
THAT WE ARE CONSTANTLY SORT OF EVALUATING.
"AM I GIVING MORE THAN I'M RECEIVING?"
AND THAT'S THE QUESTION.
SO I CAN'T MAKE MY PARTNER BECOME SOMEBODY ELSE.
IF THAT PERSON THAT HE OR SHE HAPPENS TO BE
IS NOT ALLOWING ME TO GROW AND DEVELOP, AND THAT PERSON--
AND THAT WE, AS A COUPLE,
ARE NOT WILLING TO WORK ON IT AND GROW AND DEVELOP,
THEN THAT'S SORT OF THE CRITERIA
THAT "WE PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE TOGETHER ANYMORE."
IF THE PERSON IS WILLING TO WORK ON IT
AND UNDERSTANDS WHERE THAT INSECURE ATTACHMENT COMES FROM--
AND I'M JUST DOING ARMCHAIR ANALYSIS HERE--
THEN IT'S WORTH THE INVESTMENT,
IT'S WORTH STICKING IN
AND SEEING HOW THAT WILL EVOLVE OVER TIME.
>> WELL, LET'S SAY THAT YOU'VE BEEN TOGETHER
FOR ABOUT EIGHT YEARS AND THE CYCLE IS KIND OF (indistinct).
>> WELL, THEN YOU REALLY START GETTING INTO THAT EVALUATION MODEL
ABOUT THE COST OF STAYING AND THE COST OF LEAVING.
>> ALONG THAT SAME QUESTION,
HOW INVOLVED SHOULD WE BE IN SOMEONE'S PROCESS
OF CHANGING THEIR BEHAVIOR? >> THAT YOU SHOULDN'T BE.
>> (indistinct speaking).
>> WELL, THAT'S PART OF THE NURTURING PROCESS.
REMEMBER, YOU CAN'T MAKE ANYBODY CHANGE.
THEY CAN CHOOSE TO WORK ON THEMSELVES
AND THEY CAN INVITE YOU TO BE PART OF THE PROCESS.
SO AS THEY ARE CONTINUING TO GROW AND DEVELOP THEMSELVES,
THEY CAN INVITE YOU TO HELP THEM DO IT.
YOU COULD BE AN AID.
BUT IT'S AT AN INVITATION.
WHAT YOU CAN'T DO IS TO EVOKE CHANGE IN SOMEBODY ELSE,
TO MAKE SOMEBODY ELSE CHANGE,
TO TRY AND CREATE AN ENVIRONMENT
WHERE THEY WILL CHANGE.
IT'S JUST NOT GOING TO FLY.
>> COMING FROM THE OTHER PERSPECTIVE OF TRYING TO CHANGE,
CAN YOU EXPECT YOUR PARTNER TO HELP YOU OUT WITH THAT?
>> NO, I SAID YOU CAN INVITE THEM-- ABSOLUTELY.
THAT'S THE DEFINITION OF LOVE.
BECAUSE-- I MEAN, I'M TALKING ABOUT CHANGE--
ALL OF US ARE GROWING AND DEVELOPING, IF WE'RE LUCKY.
AND PART OF LOVE IS HAVING A PERSON THAT IS PART
OF THAT GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT.
BUT YOU INVITE THEM TO DO IT.
THEY DON'T PUSH IT ON YOU.
>> IN LIKE A LONG-TERM MARRIAGE, YOUR PARTNER WILL CHANGE.
WHAT IF YOUR PARTNER CHANGES INTO SOMETHING YOU DON'T LIKE...
(indistinct speaking).
>> WELL, AGAIN-- AND THE QUESTION
IS IN A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP, IN A MARRIAGE,
AND YOUR PARTNER IS GROWING IN A WAY
THAT YOU DON'T WANT.
WELL, WHAT WE WOULD SUSPECT IS THAT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY,
THERE WAS A BREAKDOWN IN COMMUNICATION
AND A BREAKDOWN IN MUTUAL DEVELOPMENT,
MOVING TOWARDS A SIMILAR PATH,
WHICH MAY MEAN THAT THEY WERE ACTUALLY DIFFERENT VALUES,
DIFFERENT EXPERIENCES THAT STARTED MANIFESTING THEMSELVES
OVER TIME.
WE CAN ONLY HOLD THINGS IN SO LONG, AND EVENTUALLY,
IF IT'S A FALSE SELF THAT YOU BRING TO A RELATIONSHIP,
EVENTUALLY THAT AUTHENTIC OR TRUE SELF IS GOING TO SHOW UP.
AND SO, THAT'S WHEN WE START SEEING A MIGRATION.
AGAIN, YOU HAVE TO BE SOMEWHAT ANALYTICAL
AND YOU HAVE TO BE SOMEWHAT...
PROBLEM-SOLVING ABOUT IT.
IT'S LIKE, "OKAY, THIS ISN'T WORKING FOR ME ANYMORE.
"WHERE YOU'RE AT AND WHERE I'M AT IS NO LONGER FUNCTIONAL,
"SO WHAT CAN WE DO?
"CAN WE DO ANYTHING TO START DEVELOPING
"SOME MUTUAL DEVELOPMENT?
"BECOMING MORE PARALLEL VERSUS DIVERGENT?"
YOU KNOW, NOT EVERYONE IS GOING TO HAVE RELATIONSHIPS
WHERE YOU OVERLAP,
WHERE YOU ARE THE SAME PERSON GROWING IN THE SAME DIRECTION...
BUT THERE'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE SOME SEPARATION.
BUT YOU WANT SOME KIND OF PARALLEL.
SO AGAIN, JUST BE HONEST ABOUT IT, TALK ABOUT IT.
SAY, "YOU KNOW, FOR MY OWN GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT,
"HERE IS WHERE I AM HEADED...
"AND THIS IS WHERE I SEE YOU GOING.
"AND IF IT CONTINUES GOING DOWN THIS PATH,
"WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE TOGETHER.
"SO WHAT COULD WE DO TO BRING IT BACK TOGETHER?
"DO YOU WANT TO BRING IT BACK TOGETHER?"
I MEAN, THAT'S PART OF THE QUESTION
BECAUSE SOMETIMES THE PERSON SAYS,
"NO, I'M HAPPY THE WAY IT'S GOING."
THAT'S WHERE YOU GET INTO THAT UNHEALTHY--
NOT UNHEALTHY... UNHAPPY.
SO ONE MORE QUESTION.
>> SO FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE, THEY CAN'T DEFINE LOVE,
BUT YOU SEEM TO HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DEFINE LOVE
IN A VERY PRACTICAL SENSE AND IN THE SCIENCE.
DO YOU THINK IT'S (indistinct) OR, YOU KNOW,
WHAT PART OF IT DO YOU THINK, PERCENTAGE-WISE,
IS THE UNEXPLAINABLE FUZZY FEELING,
EMOTIONAL ASPECT.
>> I THINK IT'S THAT EXACT FROM A PRACTICAL PERSPECTIVE.
THAT'S NOT TO SUGGEST, YOU KNOW, THAT THE BUTTERFLIES--
I MEAN, THOSE ARE GREAT.
I MEAN, WHO DOESN'T WANT THOSE, RIGHT?
BUT THERE IS STILL A PRACTICAL COMPONENT ABOVE IT
THAT IT'S NOT-- FOR YOUR OWN GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT,
YOU CAN'T HAVE BUTTERFLIES EVERY DAY.
YOU CAN'T HAVE BUTTERFLIES PROBABLY NEW ONES EVERY YEAR,
BECAUSE THAT MEANS YOU'RE HAVING LOTS OF RELATIONSHIPS.
YOU KNOW, STERNBERG'S AND ERICH FROMM'S DEFINITION HAS BEEN--
YOU KNOW, THIS HAS BEEN AROUND A LONG TIME.
PEOPLE HAVE EVALUATED STERNBERG'S MODEL.
THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF STUDIES THAT HAVE LOOKED AT THIS
TO SUGGEST THIS-- REALLY, AT LEAST IN OUR CULTURE--
THERE ARE SOME VARIATIONS BETWEEN DIFFERENT CULTURES--
BUT IN WESTERN SOCIETY, IT'S A PRETTY ROBUST MODEL.
AND IT DOES HELP US MAKE SENSE OUT OF AND UNDERSTAND.
THAT'S NOT TO SUGGEST THAT THERE--
YOU KNOW, IN SO MANY THINGS,
THERE IS THAT UNDEFINABLE PART OF BEING HUMAN.
THAT WORKS VERY PARALLEL WITH THIS MORE OBJECTIVE,
ANALYTICAL PIECE OF IT.
YOU JUST ENJOY THE RIDE OF THE EMOTIONAL PART,
BUT DON'T LET IT DOMINATE YOU.
AND THE MORE YOU LOOK AT LOVE AS A MYSTERY THAT IS UNDEFINABLE,
THEN IT'S REALLY HARD TO SAY, "BUT IF THERE'S A PROBLEM,
"I CAN FIX IT,
"OR THAT I CAN EXPECT THESE THINGS OUT OF IT."
IT'S LIKE SO MANY HUMAN CONDITIONS
THAT THERE ARE PIECES THAT ARE, IN FACT, MANAGEABLE
AND DEFINABLE.
THANK YOU.
(applause)