Do you strive for excellence and test the limits of your own endurance?

If so, you're the ideal candidate to drink our flavored solution of salt, sugar and water.

If you're not an elite athlete,

a regular diet of salted, sugar water may contribute to obesity or high blood pressure,

but we'd still like you to drink it.

As the elite athlete market alone is too small to support our business,

a solution of salt, sugar and water

is also helpful if you have a hangover,

extreme diarrhea,

or just wanted to feel marginally less guilty about drinking a soda,

we promise our flavored solution of salt, sugar and water

will temporarily satisfy

your obsolete, caveman brain's insatiable desire for sweets.

That's because it contains the same amount of

sugar as a can of Coke and enough salt to kill a banana slug.

And only Horton brand combines three secret ingredients

with bitchin' flavor names for a placebo effect that you can taste.

We also put words on the bottle

that seem connected to the idea of health,

but actually means sugar and salt

words like electrolytes

fuel

power

vitamin

and cooldurance.

I made up that last one.

Anyway, here's someone running on a treadmill

attached to sensors.

This does an excellent job of illustrating

the type of thing that is not part of our process.

Most professional athletes today

don't even drink salted, sugar water unless we pay them to.

You'd think they wouldn't need

the extra money

but they've ruined their bodies for your entertainment

and they must take what they can

before their spine degrade into a fine powder.

ahh, mehh

Kinda chalky

Horton flavored solution: salt, sugar and water.

This year there's a purple one called Panther Rain.

That's what I call a slam dunk

And Roger with the pick! arghhhh

I'm Roger, by the way.