I don't have Siri because I have an iPhone 4.

Me and Siri have never met.

Siri and I just started hanging out like a week ago, and she's the best.

How do I even do it?

I just hold it down?

What is zero divided by zero?

Imagine that you have zero cookies and you split them evenly among zero friends; how many cookies does each person get?

See it doesn't make sense, and Cookie Monster is sad that there are no cookies, and you are sad that you have no friends.

F**k you Siri!

That's pretty good. That's pretty clever.

Why are fire trucks red?

What?

Because they have eight wheels and four people on them and four plus eight is 12.

And there are 12 inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship.

Siri is messing with me.

And the ship sailed the seas, and in the seas are fish, and fish have fins.

The Finns fought the Russians.

And the Russians are red, and fire trucks are always "russian" around.

Oh my god!

I feel like this is some sort of cruel trick.

That was like a really long dad joke.

Does Santa Claus exist?

Let's just say I'm not the only one who knows if you've been good or bad.

I'm going to pretend you didn't ask that.

I don't want you to get a lump of coal this year.

See, look, she's not even sassing me, she's just looking out for me.

Well those cookies don't eat themselves.

Oh!

What does the fox say?

Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pow!

(laughter) I'd take Siri to karaoke with me.

I saw that video and I was like, this is the only thing I've ever found funny.

She's got spunk. She's got character.

Is it weird to say that I liked it when she sassed me?

I don't like to be sassed by my friends.

I don't need to be sassed by my phone.

Will you marry me?

My end user licensing agreement does not cover marriage, my apologies.

That makes me sad.

I'm sorry.

She's cold.