¡Abre la puerta! ¡Abre la puerta!

¡Abre le!

¡Abre la puerta! ¡Abre la puerta!

[shrieks]

[glass breaking]

Help!

(male) The time has come for change.

For far too long in this country,

too many of us have been afraid to speak up

about the things that matter.

The time for change is now,

so we're gonna change American football to rugby.

And, uh...

...helmets are for wimps.

[audience booing]

(male) All right, sorry.

Joking about the president, okay.

Joking about football, okay, my bad.

The one that I'd love to actually see

as the president would be someone

like Arnold Schwarzenegger, you know?

Imagine him trying to fix the problem.

"You don't worry about the Hummers," you know?

"I used to drive one, come on. It's fantastic."

I love Arnold Schwarzenegger.

He's done a movie recently with Sylvester Stallone.

Sylvester Stallone, "You know, I'm wondering, you know,

would you like a cameo in my latest movie?"

And Arnie's like, "I'm too busy for a cameo.

But how 'bout a small part?"

We get call centers ring us in Australia.

I don't know if it's the same here.

This guy rang me up the other day.

He's like, "Excuse me, Mr. Price."

I thought it was my friend doing King Julien.

I'm like, "Oh, the New York Giants, oh, ha-ha!

"I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it.

Ohh!"

It was one of those calls.

He said, "Are you interested in doing a short survey?"

I said, "I'm not interested."

"Okay, question number two. Why not?"

"I'm not interested."

"Number three, would you ever consider--"

"No!"

"Thank you. Come again."

If I offend some of you guys, it's not my intention

'cause I want to offend everybody equally,

if that's okay.

[slow clapping]

I'm here for the autograph. Not yours.

Thank you, man. Ahh.

Take my bag.

No, no, no. I'm union, I'd better not.

So, I thought they were gonna waterboard you

for the rugby thing.

Yeah, I know.

It was a risk, a risk I was willing to take.

- Heh-heh. - No risk, no reward, huh?

So when are you gonna get up on stage and do something?

Me?

Uh, next week. Oh, never, that's what I meant.

Never, yeah.

No, seriously, you've got some good stuff.

- You should. - Well, you laugh at anything.

Well, true, but then again, I am just being polite, right?

Well, what do I owe you for that inspiration, Tony Robbins?

No, look, seriously, man, seriously.

I just wanna be the first to throw something at you.

Well, you know who liked that joke?

Nobody. Nobody.

Oh, thanks. Thank you.

(female) So I noticed you've been talking

with the new guy at work.

Peter, right?

Yeah.

He actually went to high school with me.

He used to race bikes.

Motorcycles?

No, bicycles.

Like Lance Armstrong.

Oh, cool.

He must like his job then.

He's doing bike deliveries, right?

Yup, he's a mailman on wheels.

[laughing]

I also noticed that he's been hanging around the guy

that sounds like the Crocodile Hunter.

Yeah, Ben.

He's Peter's buddy.

He grew up in Australia.

I'm actually becoming good friends with both of them.

Because our departments somewhat overlap,

we spend quite a bit of time together at the office.

Ben moonlights as a comedian.

He's hilarious.

[gasps] Oh no!

What?

Hailey, Ben's show was tonight, and I totally forgot.

Oh, no.

He's especially been getting on me

about going to this, and I promised I would go.

(Hailey) Ooh, busted.

I can't believe I forgot.

I gotta text him right away.

Ugh!

[speaking in Australian accent] "I'm so sorry.

I beg your forgiveness."

[laughing]

So were you and Peter good friends in high school?

No, not really.

We didn't even really know each other.

He was just in one of my classes.

He was pretty popular, kind of known for being a partier.

He's different now, though, there's--

Something's changed. I don't really know what it is.

People change.

Yeah, they definitely do.

(male news announcer) For some, the legalization of gay marriage is good news,

while others find it difficult to grasp.

Regardless of what anyone thinks about the issue,

gay marriage has become a present-day reality

that is spreading across America.

Soon, to one degree or another,

each of us will have to respond in our own way

to this current cultural revolution.

Hi, Peter.

Can't believe you're still here. What time's your first delivery?

I'm still trying to wake up.

(Diana) Oh, Ben's show was last night.

No wonder you're tired. How was it?

Oh, it was great.

He did so great.

Uh, he says you do that too.

You're supposed to be pretty good.

He said that? I didn't say that.

He said that? I wouldn't say that.

- No. - Can you do one?

No. No, no, no, no.

- Come on. - No.

- Oh, come on. - No, no, no, no.

Peter, just do like, just a little one.

No.

Nobody's here. Please?

Come on.

(Peter) I'm not--I'm not very good.

That's okay.

All right.

Are you familiar with Russell Crowe,

the crazy guy, throws phones at people?

- Yes. - All right.

- I can't do him. - Oh, come on!

I can't do him, but I got a mean Popeye.

I got a mean Popeye.

Wow.

Oh, man, I gotta go soon.

Oh, wow.

Are you gonna be on time this time?

I better, 'cause I'm surprised

they're letting me do this again.

Everyone makes mistakes.

[laughing]

Yeah, that's true.

How many times have you run out of gas?

It's like three or four.

Okay. No, shut up.

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

It's seven? It was eight-ish.

- No. - It was in the eights.

- No, it was, like, once. - Well, who's keeping count?

[laughing]

[under her breath] You.

What are you looking at?

(Peter) It's the Bible.

Oh.

So you're religious?

Well, I'm a Christian.

Since when?

Like, a year--year? Yeah, a year ago.

Mm-hmm.

So you, like, believe it, like, you know, that it's all true?

Yeah. Yeah, every word.

So do you believe gay people should be stoned?

Of course not.

(Diana) Well, your book says that.

No, no.

Actually, I was reading yesterday in--

You know what?

I don't wanna offend you, but I have a sister who's gay.

And you don't know the struggle she's been through

from people who are telling her that she's gonna go to hell

for, what, loving someone?

And you have the audacity to tell me

that she's going to hell?

Go on, say it.

Oh, man. Um--

I'm sorry. I gotta go.

I gotta go. I'm sorry.

♪♪♪

(Diana) "So do you believe gay people should be stoned?"

Whoa!

(Peter) Sorry, sorry, sorry!

Oh, hold it, hold it, hold it hold it, hold it, ooh.

[laughing]

[giggling]

You two look happy.

Oh, we're getting our application

for our marriage license.

Can you believe that we're actually doing this?

(female) I know.

Oh, did you call the florist?

You know what, we'll just go there next.

(female) Okay.

(female #2) I feel like there's so much to do,

and it's gonna be here before you know it.

(female) I know.

That's a really cool bag.

Are you a bike messenger?

Yeah, yeah.

So what's your message?

No, I'm a bike delivery person.

It's a--I don't deliver bikes.

I--um...

I guess, bike messenger sounds better

than bike delivery person.

[elevator bell dings]

(Peter) Stamps Armstrong.

Well, have a nice day.

(Peter) Yeah, you too.

Stamps Armstrong.

[elevator creaking, clanging]

♪♪♪

[grunting]

(male operator) Hello, is there a problem?

(Peter) Yeah, I'm stuck in the elevator.

The doors won't open. I'm halfway down the floor.

(operator) Okay, there's been a malfunction.

Yeah.

(operator) Try pressing the door open button.

It's not working. It's not doing anything.

It won't open.

I mean, the doors are open but--slightly.

(operator) Hang on, I'm entering a code.

Okay, now try pushing the doors open.

All right, the doors are open. Thanks.

(operator) Okay, now I want you to wait there

until the repair crew arrives.

Don't let anyone in.

What?

No, no, no. I have to go.

I have to deliver a package.

(operator) You don't understand. Someone could die.

I'll figure something out. I can't wait here, okay?

(operator) Hey, this is serious.

You need to warn people. You cannot leave.

Hey, can anybody help me?

Is there anybody here?

♪♪♪

All right.

What's this?

Hey! You gotta stay and watch this elevator for me.

If anybody gets on this elevator,

they're gonna die.

So just stay here, make sure nobody gets on.

I'll be right back. I'll be right back.

(female) I still can't believe that we're getting married.

[laughing]

I never thought that I'd be holding this application.

Oh, there's a café down on the second floor.

Let's just eat there.

And then the florist isn't too far from here.

(female #2) Sounds good.

(female) What do you think your brother is going to say?

(female #2) I don't know, but he's going to have to say something now.

[laughing]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[screaming] Noooo!