of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour.

的發起成員之一，

The other founding members included Ahmed Ahmed,

其他成員包括阿馬德(喜劇演員兼導演)，

who is an Egyptian-American,

他是埃及裔美國人，

who actually had the idea to go to the Middle East and try it out.

就是他提出去中東巡演這個點子的，他也到那裡表演了。

Before we went out as a tour,

在我們成為團體進行巡演之前，

he went out solo and did it first.

他已經在那裡獨挑大樑了。

Then there was Aron Kader, who was the Palestinian-American.

還有阿朗．卡達，他是巴勒斯坦裔美國人，

And then there was me, the Iranian-American of the group.

最後就是我，伊朗裔美國人。

Now, being Iranian-American

身為一個伊朗裔美國人，

presents its own set of problems, as you know.

我有別人沒有的問題。

Those two countries aren't getting along these days.

你知道，這二個國家最近處得不太好，

So it causes a lot of inner conflict, you know,

所以我內心有很多衝突，

like part of me likes me, part of me hates me.

就像是有一半的我喜歡自己，另一半卻討厭自己；

Part of me thinks I should have a nuclear program,

我自身一部分認為伊朗有核計畫，

the other part thinks I can't be trusted with one.

另一部分又認為美國不可信。

These are dilemmas I have every day.

我每天都處於這種天人交戰狀態。

But I was born in Iran; I'm now an American citizen,

我出生在伊朗，現在是美國公民，

which means I have the American passport,

也就是我有美國護照，

which means I can travel.

我可以自由地旅行。

Because if you only have the Iranian passport,

因為如果你只有伊朗的護照，

you're kind of limited to the countries you can go to

歡迎你到訪的國家

with open arms, you know --

就不會太多--

Syria, Venezuela, North Korea.

只有敘利亞、委內瑞拉和北韓。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

So anyone who's gotten their passport in America

任何持有美國護照的人，

will tell you, when you get your passport,

都會告訴你，

it still says what country you were born in.

護照上會註明你的出生地。

So I remember getting my American passport.

我還記得當我拿到我的美國護照時，

I was like, "Woohoo! I'm going to travel."

我心想：「哇！我可以去旅行了！」

And I opened it up, it said, "Born in Iran." I'm like, "Oh, come on, man."

但護照上面竟然寫著「伊朗出生」，我心想：「噢！拜託！」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

"I'm trying to go places."

「我想去很多地方耶...」

But what's interesting is, I've never had trouble

有趣的是，在我使用我的美國護照

traveling in any other Western countries with my American passport,

到西方國家遊玩的時候，從沒遇過麻煩，

even though it says, "Born in Iran." No problems.

就算護照上寫著「伊朗出生」，也一樣沒問題。

Where I've had some problems is some of the Arab countries,

但我去阿拉伯國家旅行時，卻遇到一些問題，

because I guess some of the Arab countries aren't getting along with Iran either.

我想可能是阿拉伯國家和伊朗也處得不好吧！

And so I was in Kuwait recently,

最近我去了科威特，

doing a comedy show with some other American comedians.

要和其他美國喜劇演員同台表演，

They all went through, and then the border patrol saw my American passport.

當他們都通過海關後，海關官員看著我的美國護照說：

"Ah ha! American, great."

「啊哈！美國人，很好！」

Then he opened it up. "Born in Iran? Wait."

然後他打開我的護照：「伊朗出生？等一下。」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

And he started asking me questions.

他開始問我一些問題，

He said, "What is your father's name?"

他說：「你父親叫什麼名字？」

I said, "Well, he's passed away, but his name was Khosro."

我說：「哦，他過世了，他叫胡思羅。」

He goes, "What is your grandfather's name?"

他繼續問：「那你祖父叫什麼名字？」

I said, "He passed away a long time ago.

我說：「他過世好久了，

His name was Jabbar."

他叫賈巴。」

He says, "You wait. I'll be back," and he walked away.

他說：「你等一下，我馬上回來。」然後他就走開了。

And I started freaking out,

我開始胡思亂想，

because I don't know what kind of crap my grandfather was into.

我不知道我祖父惹了什麼麻煩，

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Thought the guy was going to come back and be like,

我以為那傢伙會回來告訴我：

"We've been looking for you for 200 years."

「我們已經追查你二百年了，」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

"Your grandfather has a parking violation. It's way overdue.

「你祖父違規停車，罰單已經過期很久了，

You owe us two billion dollars."

你欠我們二十億元。」

But as you can see, when I talk,

當我說話的時候，你們可以聽出

I speak with an American accent, which you would think

我有美國口音，你以為我不過是

as an Iranian-American actor,

一個伊朗裔的美國演員，

I should be able to play any part, good, bad, what have you.

我應該可以扮演任何角色，好人、壞人都可以，

But a lot of times in Hollywood,

但在好萊塢，

when casting directors find out you're of Middle Eastern descent,

通常當選角導演發現你有中東血統後，

they go, "Oh, you're Iranian. Great.

他們就會說：「噢，原來你是伊朗人啊，太好了！

Can you say 'I will kill you in the name of Allah?'"

你會不會說『我要以真主阿拉之名殺死你』？」

"I could say that, but what if I were to say,

「可以啊，但我可不可以演一個醫生？

'Hello. I'm your doctor?'"

『哈囉，我是你的主治醫生』」

They go, "Great. And then you hijack the hospital."

他們回答：「好，然後你劫持醫院。」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Like I think you're missing the point here.

我猜你們一定不知道我在堅持什麼，

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind playing bad guys.

別誤會，我並不介意扮演壞人，

I want to play a bad guy. I want to rob a bank.

我還很想演壞人哩...我想要搶銀行，

I want to rob a bank in a film. I want to rob a bank in a film,

我想要在電影裡搶銀行，我想在電影裡扮演搶匪，

but do it with a gun, with a gun, not with a bomb strapped around me, right.

用槍指著大家搶銀行，而不是在身上纏著炸彈，對吧？

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Because I imagine the director: "Maz, I think your character

我認為導演一定會說：「莫茲，你的角色是一個

would rob the bank with a bomb around him."

身上纏著炸彈的銀行搶匪。」

"Why would I do that?

「為什麼我要這樣做？

If I want the money, why would I kill myself?"

如果我想要的是錢，為什麼我要炸死自己？」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Right.

對吧？

(Applause)

(掌聲)

"Gimme all your money, or I'll blow myself up."

「把錢全都交出來，不然我就炸死自己！」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

"Well, then blow yourself up.

「噢，那就請便吧，

Just do it outside, please."

要炸請到外面去炸。」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

But the fact is, there's good people everywhere.

其實世界上每個地方都有好人，

That's what I try and show in my stand-up. There's good people everywhere.

這是我表演的重要主題，每個地方都有好人，

All it takes in one person to mess it up.

只是一粒老鼠屎壞了一鍋粥。

Like a couple months ago in Times Square in New York,

就像幾個月之前，在紐約時報廣場上，

there was this Pakistani Muslim guy who tried to blow up a car bomb.

有個巴基斯坦回教徒試圖引爆一枚汽車炸彈，

Now, I happened to be in Times Square that night

那天晚上，我正巧就在時報廣場

doing a comedy show.

表演一個喜劇節目；

And a few months before that, there was a white American guy in Austin, Texas

而在那之前的幾個月，有一個德州奧斯汀的美國白人，

who flew his airplane into the IRS building,

把飛機開到國稅局大樓裡，

and I happened to be in Austin that day

那天也很巧，我也在奧斯汀

doing a stand-up comedy show.

表演我的喜劇節目。

Now I'll tell you, as a Middle Eastern male,

我得告訴你們，身為一個中東男性，

when you show up around a lot of these activities,

當我出現在這些犯罪現場附近時，

you start feeling guilty at one point.

我開始覺得有罪惡感了，

I was watching the news. I'm like, "Am I involved in this crap?"

我一邊看著新聞，一邊想：「我有參與這些犯罪嗎？」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

"I didn't get the memo. What's going on?"

「我沒收到通知啊...到底發生什麼事了？」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

But what was interesting was, the Pakistani Muslim guy --

有趣的是，那個巴基斯坦回教徒--

see he gives a bad name to Muslims

他把所有回教徒的名聲都玷污了，

and Middle Easterners and Pakistanis from all over the world.

還把全世界的中東人和巴基斯坦人的名聲也弄壞了，

And one thing that happened there was also the Pakistani Taliban

但是，巴基斯坦的塔利班

took credit for that failed car bombing.

竟搶著為這次失敗的汽車爆炸案居功。

My question is: why would you take credit

我的問題是：一個失敗的汽車爆炸案，

for a failed car bombing?

有什麼功好搶的？

"We just wanted to say

「我們只想說，

we tried."

我們試過了。」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

"And furthermore,

「畢竟，

it is the thought that counts."

有心最重要。」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

(Applause)

(掌聲)

"And in conclusion, win some, lose some."

「最後你總會得到一些，又失去一些。」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

But what happened was, when the white guy flew his plane into the building,

其實，當那個白人開著飛機飛進那個大樓時，

I know all my Middle Eastern and Muslim friends in the States

我知道所有我在美國的中東朋友和回教徒朋友們，

were watching TV, going, "Please, don't be Middle Eastern.

都在一邊看著電視，一邊祈禱：「拜託，不要是中東人，

Don't be Hassan. Don't be Hussein."

不要是海珊，不要是胡笙。」

And the name came out Jack. I'm like, "Woooo!

當新聞宣布那人的名字是傑克時，我大叫：「哇！

That's not one of us."

不是我們！」

But I kept watching the news in case they came back,

但我還是一直盯著新聞，我怕他們會突然發現：

they were like, "Before he did it, he converted to Islam."

「在他犯下這起案件之前，他改信了回教。」

"Damn it! Why Jack? Why?"

「該死！為什麼是傑克？為什麼？」

But the fact is, I've been lucky

事實上，我一直都很幸運，

to get a chance to perform all over the world,

我有機會到全世界各地去表演，

and I did a lot of shows in the Middle East.

我也有中東表演過很多次，

I just did a seven-country solo tour.

我剛剛才結束七個國家的個人巡迴演出。

I was in Oman, and I was in Saudi Arabia.

我去了阿曼、沙烏地阿拉伯，

I was in Dubai.

還有杜拜。

And it's great, there's good people everywhere.

整個巡迴演出都很棒，每個地方都有好人，

And you learn great things about these places.

你會在這些國家學到一些很棒的事，

I encourage people always to go visit these places.

所以我鼓勵大家多去這些國家旅行。

For example, Dubai -- cool place.

舉例來說，杜拜就是一個很酷的地方，

They're obsessed with having the biggest, tallest, longest, as we all know.

他們很喜歡最大、最高、最長的東西，

They have a mall there, the Dubai Mall.

杜拜有一個商城，叫做杜拜商城，

It is so big, they have taxis in the mall.

那個商城很大，裡面竟然還有計程車在跑，

I was walking. I heard "Beep, beep."

我一邊逛街，一邊還聽到「叭，叭」

I'm like, "What are you doing here?"

我說：「計程車怎麼跑進來了？」

He goes, "I'm going to the Zara store. It's three miles away.

他回答：「我要去撒拉商店，那裡離這裡還有三哩遠，

Out of my way. Out of my way. Out of my way."

讓路，讓路，讓路。」

And what's crazy -- there's a recession going on, even in Dubai,

最瘋狂的是，全世界都在經濟不景氣，即使杜拜也一樣，

but you wouldn't know by the prices.

但你從杜拜的物價卻看不出不景氣，

Like in the Dubai Mall,

像是在杜拜商城，

they sell frozen yogurt by the gram.

他們的冰淇淋優格是以公克來計價，

It's like a drug deal.

就像販賣毒品一樣。

I was walking by. The guy goes, "Psst. Habibi, my friend."

我走過那家店的時候，有一個傢伙說：「嘿，老兄，

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

"You want some frozen yogurt?

「要不要來點冰淇淋優格？

Come here. Come here. Come here.

來，來，來，

I have one gram, five gram, 10 gram. How many gram do you want?"

我有一公克、五公克、十公克，你要多少公克？」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

I bought five grams. 10 dollars. 10 dollars! I said, "What's in this?"

我買了五公克，十塊美金，十塊美金耶！我說：「裡面有什麼？」

He's like, "Good stuff, man. Columbian. Top of the line. Top of the line."

他說：「好東西啦，老兄。哥倫比亞來的哦，高檔貨，高檔貨啦！」

The other thing you learn sometimes

還有一件有趣的事，

when you travel to these countries in the Middle East,

就是你到中東國家、拉丁美洲國家、

sometimes in Latin American countries, South American countries --

南美洲國家旅行時會發現，

a lot of times when they build stuff,

他們在建造設施時，

there's no rules and regulations.

經常是沒有規則也沒有法規規範的，

For example, I took my two year-old son to the playground at the Dubai Mall.

舉例來說，我帶我二歲的兒子到杜拜商城裡的遊樂場玩，

And I've taken my two year-old son to playgrounds all over the United States.

我那二歲的兒子已經玩遍了全美國各地的遊樂場了，

And when you put your two year-old on a slide in the United States,

而在美國，當你把二歲小孩放在滑溜梯上時，

they put something on the slide

你會看到滑溜梯上有些止滑裝置，

to slow the kid down as he comes down the slide.

可以降低小孩滑下來的速度。

Not in the Middle East.

中東可不一樣，

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

I put my two year-old on the slide; he went frrmrmm! He took off.

我把小孩放上滑溜梯後，他就飛出去了！

I went down. I go, "Where's my son?"

我跑下來，我說：「我兒子哩？」

"On the third floor, sir. On the third floor."

「在三樓哦，先生，在三樓。」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

"You take a taxi. You go to Zara. Make a left."

「搭計程車，去撒拉商店，左轉。」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

"Try the yogurt. It's very good. Little expensive."

「嚐嚐這個優格，很棒哦，有一點貴。」

But one of the things I try to do with my stand-up is to break stereotypes.

在我的表演裡，我希望能打破一些刻板印象，

And I've been guilty of stereotyping as well.

當然我對自己存有某些刻板印象感到羞愧。

I was in Dubai. And there's a lot of Indians who work in Dubai.

我在杜拜的時候，看到有許多印度人在杜拜工作，

And they don't get paid that well.

但他們薪資並不高，

And I got it in my head that all the Indians there must be workers.

所以我以為所有在杜拜的印度人都是勞工，

And I forgot there's obviously successful Indians in Dubai as well.

我忘記了在杜拜一定也有很成功的印度人。

I was doing a show,

那時我在杜拜表演，

and they said, "We're going to send a driver to pick you up."

那邊的人說：「我們會請司機去載你。」

So I went down to the lobby, and I saw this Indian guy.

所以我走到大廳，看到一個印度人在那裡，

I go, "He's got to be my driver."

我就想：「他一定是我的司機。」

Because he was standing there in like a cheap suit, thin mustache, staring at me.

因為他穿著一身廉價的西裝，留著一撮小鬍子，還盯著我看，

So I went over, "Excuse me, sir, are you my driver?"

所以我走過去說：「抱歉，先生，你是我的司機嗎？」

He goes, "No, sir. I own the hotel."

他回我說：「我不是，先生！這間飯店是我開的！」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

I go, "I'm sorry. Then why were you staring at me?"

我說：「很抱歉，但你幹嘛盯著我看？」

He goes, "I thought you were my driver."

他回答：「我以為你才是我的司機哩！」

(Applause)

(掌聲)

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

I'll leave you guys with this: I try, with my stand-up, to break stereotypes,

我想說的是：我試著在我的表演中，打破各種刻板印象，

present Middle Easterners in a positive light -- Muslims in a positive light --

以正面的方式呈現中東人，以正面的方式呈現回教徒，

and I hope that in the coming years,

我希望在未來的幾年內，

more film and television programs come out of Hollywood

好萊塢所拍的電影和電視節目，

presenting us in a positive light.

能以正面形象來呈現我們。

Who knows, maybe one day we'll even have our own James Bond, right.

誰知道，或許某天我們會有自己的詹姆士．龐德，對吧？

"My name is Bond, Jamal Bond."

「我是龐德，賈莫爾．龐德。」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Til then, I'll keep telling jokes. I hope you keep laughing.

在那之前，我會一直講笑話來逗你們笑，

Have a good day. Thank you.

祝各位有美好的一天，謝謝！

(Applause)

(掌聲)