constant tension between the two of you in your relationship or marriage;

or if innocent conversations just suddenly,

ERUPT into volcanic like explosions... well you're in the right place,

because in this video I'm gonna teach you the three most common mistakes

couples make when fighting

and how to steer clear of them. Hi, I'm Bruce Muzik from

www.LoveAtFirstFight.com and I help couples

fix their troubled relationships and marriages. In my work with fighting

couples

I've noticed that almost always when a couple is fighting they make one if not

all three of these simple mistakes

that end up escalating and argument into a heated fight

that ends with door slamming, icy silences and once of you

sleeping on the couch. So what are the 3 mistakes?

Well, the first is: communicating when

your triggered. Have you ever been in the heat of the moment and "all we do is fight" and

you've said something you knew you later regret but you couldn't stop the words

coming out of your mouth even though you knew you should'nt be saying them... and

almost in slow motion they came out

and like caused a huge amount of hurt in your relationship? Yeah

me too, not something I'm proud of. Well that happens

because when you're triggered you literally

become stupid, kind of like a chimpanzee.

You see we all have a part of a brain is like chimpanzees brain.

Get the reference now? (Chimpanzee sound) This part of our brain is called our Reptilian Brain

It envolved to help us survive. When there is anger in relationships or we're triggered by our partner

it gets activated and it does one of two things:

It either get's ready to fight or it gets ready to run like hell in the opposite

direction.

If it gets ready to fight it drains all the blood from our brain

into arms so that we can fight (usually not fighting fair). If it's getting ready to flee or to run like

hell in the opposite direction

it drains all the blood from my brain down into our legs,

so that we have oxygen in our legs so we can run faster. In any event

there's no blood left no brain which renders us literally

stupid because a brain isn't getting enough oxygen.

Which is why we say dumb things when

with triggered. So don't do it... Don't

communicate when you triggered. When you feel that flash of anger in your face, when

you feel yourself getting triggered you know what that's like...

Here's How to Fight Fair In A Relationship: Pause tell your partner, "Baby timeout

I'm triggered" I'm gonna go for a walk for half an hour

and come back and finish this with you.

Or sit down and journal your thoughts out for half an hour...

and then come back to your partner when your heart rate is lowered,

when you're feeling normal again and you can have a normal conversation

without getting triggered. If one of you is triggered in the conversation

you may be able to avoid relationship conflict if the other one has their wits about them.

If both have you are triggered in the conversation which can happen so fast,

you've got World War III in your hands. Mistake number two

is a common one, its trying to resolve the surface problem

so imagine this your spouse is yelling at you

you forgot to take the trash out for the fifth time.

And you know this conversation is not gonna go well.

So what do you do? Do you: (A) take the trash out;

(B) apologize and make it up to them

(C) tell them to stop nagging

and that will do it later Or

(D) start explaining why you were too busy to take

the trash out.

What would you do? Well if you chose

any of these you'd be sleeping in the opposite sides of the bed

that evening,... why? Because this was a bit of a trick question. You see...

Your spouse isn't angry about you not take the trash out five times in a row.

They're angry about something far more important than that. If you probe deeper

you'll discover that beneath their surface complaints,

of you not taking the trash out your spouse is actually angry,

about what not taking the trash out means...

About the state of the emotional connection

between the two of you. This is the root of most anger in relationships. Perhaps they're thinking something like, well...

"If you can't be trusted do something as simple as take the trash out,

how on earth are they ever gonna trust you to do the big things -

like raise the children or look after the finances or stay faithful

for that matter?" See what I mean here? And if you try to resolve the surface complaint

about not taking the trash out

you won't get anywhere. FIGHTING FAIR STRATEGY: Instead ask your partner about their softer feelings.

Beneath the surface of the complaint and sooth those,

comfort them, reassure them, sooth those feelings

and that's what's gonna resolve your problem. If you're participating in my

love at first bite coaching program then in the second module of the program we will

spend an entire week

learning how to sooth those deeper emotions

for your partner, so that you can really de escalate conflict really quickly.

Okay the third mistake that couples make when fighting is what I call

perceiving the Phantom attack...

Have you seen a toddler in a supermarket that's lost his parents?

It balls its eyes out and cries as loud as it can to get its parent's attention.

Or what tends to happen is a toddler, little baby will shut down and go

internal because it's so afraid and just sit and wait

hoping that his parents will find it again. Both of these reactions are actually

survival strategies that are protesting the parents moving out a safe proximity

of the child. Now what most people don't know

is that as adults we do the same things

with our romantic partners. When we perceive that our partners has moved out

of safe

physical or emotional proximity, we protest

them moving at approximately by making a noise (like a baby screaming)

or going really quiet, yeah really advanced (de escalation techniques) I know...

But because we don't understand this, when our partner gets

angry and is making a noise, we incorrectly think that they're trying to

attack us and we end up defending ourselves (not a good de escalation technique)

or when a partner gets quiet we incorectly think they're trying to punish us.

Then we go in and try and attack them or pull them out of their shell,

but they're not they're just protesting the disconnections,

the distance emotionally between the two of you and they're doing it by making

noise

or going quiet. And if you respond with a counter attack

you're just get escalate the conversation into World War III

and then your both gonna hurt each other. So remember,

when your partner gets upset, defending yourself like your life

is at stake is inappropriate. It's just gonna escalate the conflict.

Instead do this (a fighting fair strategy): SOOTHE

them like you would sooth a baby crying.

Not in a condescending pat on the head, "here... here... now... now..." kinda way.

But sooth them by saying something like, "Honey I notice you're really upset.

I imagine you are hurting. Tell me what's going on for you. I'm interested."

or "Tell me what's going on feel how can I support you?" So there you have them

the three biggest mistake that couples make when fighting and what to do about it.

Go try the strategies I suggested and let me know in the comments below

how they worked out for you. Also if you enjoyed this video

give a thumbs up or click the Like button down below it help me spread this education

to more people

who need it. And finally if your relationship is in trouble and this constant

tension between you or you walking on eggshells or

one of you is withdrawing and the other one is chasing and becoming

more needy...

Go subscribe this channel now and then go www.LoveAtFirstFight.com

You can click on the link here it'll take you right there

and sign up my free fix your relationship video training program

and I'll teach you communication skill completely free of charge

that will help you de escalate your conflict in a relationship

in a matter of seconds. So thank you for watching and thank you for your time.

I'm Bruce Music I'm here to support you fixing your troubled relationship (and fighting fair) so reach

out if you need me

I'll talk to you soon bye! bye!