You all right?

Yeah, I think I have something in my throat.

(clears throat)

[Weird thoughts you have when you're sick]

Can I take a Halls if I already took an ibuprofen?

Is that dangerous?

(gargling)

My sister, she had a friend back in college who had a sore throat for like a week and now she talks with one of those talk-box thingies.

Why are you telling me this?

Mom, what's our family throat history?

It is so what this is, I did my research.

Yahoo Answers isn't research.

Are you gonna stay with me when I'm diagnosed?

Like, are you gonna shave your head in solidarity?

You don't have cancer.

Well, I'm looking on here, and this woman thought she just had her period, but it's cancer.

So, I'm gonna give you my passwords for everything.

When I'm gone, I want you to be with Alison. She could take care of you.

Okay.

You're not even going to put up a fight about it?

Oh my gosh, this is karma.

Remember sophomore year I got that girl Carol expelled because I said she was taking pills?

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Okay, strep test came back negative.

How long do I have?

Uh, what?

He didn't even write me a prescription, just told me to gargle with salt water.

It's your bill.

Thanks, babe.

(gasps)

But I'm not even sick!