to sell her daughter’s virginity, we count fifteen parents who should’ve never been

allowed to reproduce. 15 – Smoking during Pregnancy,

• Charlie Wilcox caught the world’s attention in 2011 when she revealed she’d smoked 3,500

cigarettes during the course of her pregnancy. • She believed smoking so many cigarettes

was helping her baby’s development, forcing its lungs to strengthen to accommodate all

the harsh chemicals. • Charlie actually believed quitting smoking

would’ve been detrimental to her baby’s health. Like how when you’re bashing your

face into a wall you don’t want to stop because you know deep down anything that causes

that much facial bruising must somehow be good for you.

• During the pregnancy, the unborn child had dangerously high carbon monoxide levels,

but this did not deter Charlie. • Baby Poppy was eventually born underweight

and premature, but Charlie insists there’s no correlation. It was, like, totally a coincidence.

14 – Baby for Sale, • In 2012, new mum Brittany Hill was arrested

for trying to sell her four-month-old baby in the classifieds section of her local newspaper.

• Right there in print – presumably next to ads such as Call for Banjo Lessons and

MASSAGE HOT XXX ASIAN GIRLS! – were the words: Baby for Sale and the meagre asking

price of $4,000. Yes, $4,000! That’s all this human life was worth to her.

• An interested buyer called and arranged to make the dodgy transaction in Texas. However,

upon realising there were no lawyers on hand or documents to sign, the buyer got cold feet

and reported the woman to the fuzz. 13 – Hot Iron as Punishment,

• In 2011, Hope Adele Askew lost her temper and pressed a hot iron to her daughter’s

face – twice. The poor girl had failed to correctly pronounce a few words while reading

a book. According to Mama Askew – whose point of view was definitely askew – this

crime was punishable by first-degree burns. • The extreme disciplinary measure left

the ten-year-old child with severe scarring, which was quickly reported by school officials.

Askew invented a story about a hot skillet, but social workers discovered the truth.

• Askew showed little remorse. She didn’t even give her daughter any medical attention.

What a biatch. 12 – Disciplining via Medieval Duel,

• Cosplayers take their shit very seriously. For example, a crazed Seattle dad was charged

with second-degree assault after forcing his teenage daughter to fight him in a violent

medieval duel. The duel was punishment because the girl had snuck out to a party.

• Role-player and Renaissance enthusiast Fremon Seay admitted to beating his sixteen-year-old

daughter, then challenging her to an actual Game of Thrones-style duel.

• The fight involved wooden swords and lasted two hours before the girl collapsed from exhaustion.

• Fremon and his wife insisted it was their right to discipline their child however they

saw fit. Apparently, her age and disobedience meant beating her with wood wasn’t abuse.

11 – Child Starves to Death While Parents Play Online Game,

• A South Korean couple was arrested for neglecting their three-month-old baby girl,

allowing her to starve to death. The infant was left unattended at home while the couple

spent hours at internet cafés obsessively playing a game where they raised a virtual

child. • The unemployed couple lost all desire

to live in the real world because they had no prospects and didn’t know how to look

after their premature baby. The online world was an escape from reality.

• The case has highlighted the dangers of internet addiction: a disturbingly common

problem in South Korea. 10 – Baby Smokes Forty Packets of Cigarettes

a Day, • In 2013, an Indonesian toddler named Aldi

Rizal made international headlines for being the world’s youngest chain smoker.

• This tubby two-year-old’s incredible habit began when his desperate mother used

cigarettes to stop his relentless crying. The cigarettes pacified him, but also proved

highly addictive and his habit quickly ballooned to forty cigarettes a day.

• It took five years for Aldi – who may or may not have been named after the supermarket

chain – to kick his habit. But he’s still not on the healthy straight-and-narrow; the

tubby youngster’s new addiction is junk food.

9 – Mother Tries to Sell Daughter’s Virginity, • A Utah mother is behind bars for attempting

to sell her thirteen-year-old daughter’s virginity for $10,000.

• In 2011, Felicia Rea McClure was charged with multiple counts of sexual abuse and exploitation

of a minor. She sent multiple texts to a potential buyer and circulated inappropriate photos

of the young teen to generate interest. • Felicia’s boyfriend tipped authorities

off after he discovered an incriminating text message on her phone from an interested buyer.

8 – Drunk Dad Lets Eight-Year-Old Drive, • A drunken Mississippi dad named Billy

Joe Madden let his eight-year-old son drive their car on the interstate so he could have

a nap. Madden’s four-year-old daughter was also sitting in the backseat – without a

seatbelt, of course. • Passing motorists noticed the boy at the

wheel and quickly notified authorities. The douche-nozzle redneck – who would definitely

take last place in a dad of the year pageant – received multiple charges and his kids

temporarily placed into the care of child welfare authorities.

• Reports indicate he enjoyed his nap. 7 – Parents Forget Child in Parking Lot,

• A couple arguing in the Bronx, New York somehow left their eight-month-old baby boy

in a parking lot when they headed out in separate cars. When the mother arrived home, she realised

the father didn’t have him either – ruh-roh! • Little Ezra Reyes was discovered by street

vendor Lorenzo Carse. Lorenzo said the child was sitting in the sun on the hot concrete,

possibly contemplating what he’d done to deserve such shitty inattentive parents.

• Besides being a little dehydrated, the little boy was fortunately otherwise fine.

Here’s hoping he doesn’t grow up with any abandonment issues.

6 – Mother Facilitates Fight between Daughter and Classmate,

• A Florida mum was arrested for arranging a fight between her daughter and another teenage

girl. Sandra Padilla Miranda asked her daughter’s nemesis to come over after school so the girls

could uppercut their troubles away. • After the Mortal Kombat announcer had

declared ‘Fight!’, the girls, aged fourteen and seventeen, started throwing fists to the

delight of a large cheering crowd. Like most things these days, the shenanigans were recorded

and posted on Facebook. • Throughout the fight, Sandra repeatedly

yelled ‘Hit harder’ in Spanish and encouraged her daughter to visualise her opponent as

a cheese sandwich and bite her. • Miranda feigned innocence, but justice prevailed. She was charged with child

abuse and contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

5 – Seven-Year-Old Receives Birthday Boob Job from Mother,

• Self-described ‘Human Barbie’ Sarah Burge has spent hundreds of thousands of dollars

on cosmetic surgery. She believes life in plastic is fantastic and has recently created

controversy for forcing these views on her seven-year-old daughter.

• For her seventh birthday, Poppy received the gift all upper-class little girls dream

of: nope, not a pony; a $10,000 voucher for breast augmentation surgery!

• Poppy had been begging for a boob job for months, so receiving the voucher – and

all its accompanying self-esteem issues – was like getting that new hot toy everyone wants.

• The voucher can be legally redeemed at sixteen. For Poppy, that day can’t come

soon enough. ‘I can't wait to be like Mummy with big boobs,’ she said. ‘They're so

pretty.’ • In the meantime, Sarah is teaching Poppy

how to pole dance. 4 – Parents Pimp out Teen Daughter for Car

Repayments, • A Georgia couple pleaded guilty to making

their fourteen-year-old daughter engage in sexual activities with a used-car salesman

so they wouldn’t have to make monthly payments on their second-hand minivan.

• Sandra Davis was sentenced to eight years imprisonment after admitting she’d encouraged

her daughter to trade sex for van payments. • Sandra’s husband James and a sixty-seven-year-old

used-car salesman named Robert Bearden pleaded guilty to molestation – and to being supreme

dirt bags. They each received ten years’ jail-time.

• Police learned of the sick arrangement during an unrelated investigation and the

three were prosecuted in 2010. Good work, guys.

3 – Drunk, High Dad Leaves Baby in Oven Overnight,

• A Kentucky man put his five-week-old baby in the oven and left him there overnight.

• After getting high at work, Larry Long returned home to share a fifth of whiskey

with the baby’s mother, Brandy Hatton. (Haha, Brandy drinks whiskey.) When Brandy retired

for the night, Larry got rip-roaringly drunk, finishing the entire bottle.

• The next morning, Larry awoke to his baby screaming from inside the oven. Luckily, the

door had been left slightly ajar and the oven was off.

• Showing a slither of decency, Larry called a mental health hotline to confess what he’d

done, and the operators referred the incident to police. The baby was swiftly removed from

the irresponsible parents’ care. 2 – Woman Kills Baby for Interrupting Game

of Farmville, • A young Florida mother pled guilty to

killing her baby son over a game of … Farmville. • Alexandra V. Tobias said her three-month-old

child, Dylan, refused to stop crying while she was trying to play the popular Facebook

time-waster – I mean, casual game. Angered, Alexandra shook the baby, then left to have

a cigarette. What was it with this needy infant? Why couldn’t it understand her virtual crop

compulsion? • Calm and refreshed, Alexandra returned

from her cigarette break and … shook the baby again – this time killing it.

• Alexandra was convicted of second-degree murder and sentenced to fifty years in the

slammer. Hopefully her crops withered. 1 – Father Rapes and Imprisons Own Daughter,

• In 2008, Elizabeth Fritzl told Austrian police she’d been repeatedly raped and held

captive for twenty-four years in the hidden basement of her family house. Her sick captor

was none other than her own father, Josef Fritzl.

• Elizabeth was raped and physically assaulted literally thousands of times, resulting in

the birth of seven children and one miscarriage. Four of the incest-born children were also

forced to endure this horrific imprisonment. • Josef Fritzl was finally arrested in April

2008 and sentenced to life behind bars. Good riddance, arsehole!