- And I'm thankful for my Kindergarten class

who made these wonderful crafts to celebrate Thanksgiving.

- After the Native Americans helped the Pilgrims

survive their first winter in America,

the Puritans invited them to share

the first Thanksgiving.

- [All] Awe!

- Oh, these are adorably (paper rips) wrong.

- A five-year-old made that.

- Based off of the lies that you taught them.

- Excuse me?

- Oh, it's not your fault,

these are full of half truths and historical propaganda.

- I thought the Native Americans and the Pilgrims

were, like, besties, or whatever.

- At best, the Pilgrims and Wampanoags

could be described as "political allies."

By the time the Pilgrims showed up,

not only were two-thirds of the Massachusetts tribes

completely wiped out by European slave owners

and diseases, the Pilgrims were constantly at war

with the indigenous people and routinely tortured them.

- But what about Squanto, the Native American

who learned English to help out the Pilgrims?

- He was actually a slave that was hauled off to Europe

and then he learned English so that he could escape.

- But they did celebrate it every year, right?

- Not exactly, the next one was 16 years later

and, unfortunately, it was because the Puritans

were celebrating the massacre of the Piqua tribe.

Back then, Thanksgiving was also for families,

specifically, murdering them.

- Okay, we get it!

History's awful, the Puritans were terrible,

and now we have to let our children know that the

holiday started with tons of killings.

Happy?

- Well, we actually have just about everything wrong

with the Thanksgiving myth.

Definitely didn't wear these buckle hats.

Didn't land on Plymouth Rock.

And as for that turkey--

- Oh no, not the turkey.

- More like venison, fowl, and eel.

- Geez!

- Oh!

- Who cares about how this stupid holiday

got started anyway?

- Exactly.

In George Washington's 1789 Thanksgiving Proclamation,

the settlers aren't mentioned, not even once.

Thanksgiving wasn't celebrated nationwide until 1863

when this guy declared it a national holiday during

the Civil War in order to bring the country together.

That's why all of our foods are from the 19th century.

- So Lincoln came up with the whole Indian/Pilgrim story?

- Nope, that myth didn't catch on 'til the 1900s,

after we had fought and killed all the Native Americans.

And then we put it in textbooks as fact

because, America!

But, the food is really good

and if you ignore all the terrible history,

you know, like the murdering, the raping,

the pillaging, still kind of a great holiday.

Mmm.

- So the Mayflower is a lie?

- Why do we eat cranberry sauce?

- What about stuffing?

- Is Black Friday really just a capitalist conspiracy

to get poor people to buy things so we can't truly

live out a populous revolt?

(everyone talking at the same time)

- I am never telling you the truth ever again.

One historical narrative says that the Pilgrims

were off firing their guns when the Wampanoag tribe

just showed up, presumably, to find out

why the white folks were shooting up the place,

which is a question that we still ask this very day.