you know that I make a lot of commercial or infomercial spoofs.

And the reason for that is because I think...

..so many of these commercials are just so irritating.

I mean, they're already taking away from whatever it is you're watching.

And, most of the time, they're not even entertaining.

Commercials are a bunch of lies.

The only time they tell the truth is at the very end of a commercial,

when they're talking really fast and you can't even understand them anyway.

Kind of like what I'm doing right now, I guess.

For example, you know at the end of a toy commercial...

..for kids where they're always like:

What?! Whoa!

(laughter)

The Hand Shaking Double-Ball Slapping Toy does not actually talk, move, dance, teach kids how to read or really do anything that we mentioned in this commercial. Satisfaction is not guaranteed. Batteries not included.

Or like medicine commercials.

They always have those quick disclaimers that have...

..all the side effects of the medicine at the very end,

and sometimes it's even worse than what the medicine's supposed to cure.

(speaking rapidly) Higasprin does not protect against HIV, STDs or PIMPs.

If you experience nausea, heartburn, headaches, vomiting, dizziness,

loss of sight, diarrhea, gonorrhea, sangria, or even death,

contact your doctor because Higasprin may not be right for you...

..and we are not liable. Batteries are not included.

But more than anything that I hate about commercials

is probably the subliminal messaging in it.

You know, like in every shampoo commercial they use these beautiful, perfect girls

with flawless hair using their products,

Because they want to put it in the back of your head that if you use their product...

..you'll end up looking like them.

I mean, come on! Would you buy a shampoo if the commercial looked like this?

(woman) Oh! Water!

(woman moans)

Hairball essences. Batteries not included.

Probably. I'd still get that one.

But you get the point.

Most commercials are just not honest,

because this is what commercials would really look like if they were.

♪ trendy techno music ♪

So cool!

-What do you think he's on this time? -I don't know. Shrooms?

Pep-C. At least it's not shrooms.

He drinks beer, not because it tastes good, but because all his friends do.

He's quick to make decisions... that he would later regret.

He wakes up like a new person... that has a headache and nausea all day.

He is the most average man in the world.

I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer not to.

Stay sober, my friends.

A delicious, hot, juicy 75 grams of fat. Less than 875 calories.

Fries, dripping with oil and probably some sweat from the guy cooking them.

And a 32 ounce cup of soda that could be enough for a family in Africa.

You'll feel so full, you won't even want to move.

Thanks to the all new Angus cheddar cheese Big Whopamac Meal Burger.

We know you'll be back soon...

because we forgot to give you half your order.

(hums McDonald's jingle) That's copyrighted!

With nearly ten miles per gallon, a whopping 145 different horse powers,

equipped with a neighborhood waking exhaust system,

and a working engine light that will come on for no reason,

all backed by our one month warranty that you're gonna need.

The all new, used, 2004, 3 wheel drive, four door, H-150 with a hemi-roid. By Getta.

Just Getta car.

Hello, I'm the spokesperson for GEICO Insurance.

Or should I say "Spokesgecko"? (fake laughter)

I've nothing to do with car insurance, or comedy for that matter.

In fact, I think the only reason why I'm here is because the comedy name is similar to Gecko.

Seems quite lazy if you ask me.

Gecko. In 15 minutes, you could spend 15 percent more time...

.. than we did writing this commercial.

Do you need cash now?

Are you running low on funds?

Well, thanks to Cash-2-Gold, you can now send us your gold.

Do it.

Cash-2-Gold: We're a real business.. (breaks into laughter)

I'm sorry. Charlie, I can't do this one, man!

(Charlie) Just read the lines!

-I'm not going to do this one! -(Charlie) Just do the damn voice over, dammit!

-You're stealing from old people. -(Charlie) Don't you point at me.

-(Charlie) Don't you dare point at me again. -Charlie, don't come over here.

(Charlie) Don't you point at me! I'll bite that finger!

Ch-Charlie! OWCH! Charlie! Owwwwww.

What's great about the iPhone?

You can do this. And this.

And this. And thi-...

And th-...and you can...hold on.

[dialogue inaudible] Hey!

Oh, oh. Uh-oh. OH! The f*ck?!

Introducing the new iPhone: it's okay if you drop it

because the next one's probably coming out a month after you get this one.

With Bouncy's new rip-in-halfs, there's now 100 percent more sheets per roll!

Because you can now take a half sheet instead of a full one.

Because when you're at your worst, Bouncey is like a purse.

You know, cuz' it holds things in it and picks stuff up and--and--

Charlie! This one doesn't make sense either, man!

(Charlie) Just f*cking do it.

(Charlie) I'm sick of this sh*t. I'm quittin' this job soon.

(Charlie) I don't f*cking want to deal with this (beep).

Alright, so maybe I exaggerated some of these.

Anyway, thank you guys so much for watching.

I know I haven't done one of these type of rants or Off The Pill type of things,

you know, where I get really upset about something and talk about it really fast.

I just hate to see people getting tricked.

I hate when people are not honest.

And commercials are just the worst thing I could think of--

Bobbleheads! Higatv.

Bobbleheads! New shirts.

B-B-Bobbleheads! Wristbands in different colors.

Bobbleheads!

That's not my merch.

Higatv. Buy. BUY NOW. Buy now. B-B-Bobble...

Buy now!

Do it.

Tee-hee!