(hushed) I have to show you something.

Okay.

Don't get turned on.

Okay!

I'm serious Gaby.

I don't want this to ruin our friendship.

Is that how you think friendship works?

You just see a vagina and poof, friendship gone?

If that were true I would have no friends.

How did you know I was gonna show you my vagina?

It's been my birthday wish 3 years in a row.

Okay--

Allison, c'mon!

What do you have? Show me.

Is it a rash? Wart? Herp?

I don't know.

I haven't looked.

Ever?

No! It's just

what if it's an actual STD?

Then not only will I be dying but

my parents will be so disappointed in me.

Why would your parents have to know?

I mail my dad my insurance forms.

How do you even know something's there?

I felt it.

Uh-huh.

While I was wiping.

Gaby it's big.

Like AIDS big.

Not a unit of measurement.

I don't wanna put you through this

but I figure you've seen things

you've probably had things.

Only thing I've ever had is a good time, sweetheart.

Okay

I don't wanna go down that road right now.

I just need you to tell me

if this is urgent care bad

or write my will right away

emergency room bad.

I can tell you right now, it's not bad.

How?

Because nothing on the vagina could be that bad, Allison.

Okay? 1 in 4 people have herpes.

HPV is rampant.

Sometimes the vagina just

gets rubbed weird from overuse.

Eww!

I'm just saying, everybody's body is beautiful.

I knew it.

I knew you were gonna take one look

at my warty vagina and get REAL excited.

I can look at a naked body without getting excited.

I'm not an animal.

Really? Because I could think of multiple times

where you've explained your behavior by

screaming "we're all animals!"

Take off the towel,

show me your vagina,

so we can all go back to living

our gender oppressed lives.

This was a mistake okay?

I'm just gonna have an anxiety attack

'til I can see a professional.

You can't die of anxiety.

At least not right away.

Allison take off the towel--

No!

Take off the towel!

No!

TAKE OFF THE TOWEL

(whines)

Hmm.

Ingrown hair.

Really!?

Yeah, positive.

You can see the lil hair poking out.

You just gotta

heat up a pair of tweezers, take a shot of whiskey,

and pluck that sucker out.

Prairie medicine.

Okay.

What?

Just think it's a little rude

that you're not at all turned on.

(whispering) Oh my gosh.

♪ (music) ♪

What do I need to do to make you like it?

(whispering) Kill me now. Just fucking take me.

Should I shave it?

Should I wax it?

Should I be conditioning it?

Is that a thing? Is there a vagina conditioner?

Y'know I've been told not to douche

but maybe that's what I gotta do.

(muffled screams)

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