Pork E.! Pork E.! Pork E.! Pork E.!

[techno music]

[music stops, stutters]

- No.

Damn it, Mads, you're jamming my flow.

I told you to go around during showtime.

- Sorry.

- [sighs]

[techno music resumes]

- Put on your pee pants, pants,

because things are about to get crazy.

It's the moment you've all been waiting for.

It's the performance of a lifetime.

It comes every third hour on the hour.

The king of quills.

The prince of prick.

Mr. Pork E. Pine!

[children chanting] Pork E.!

[children cheering]

[wacky music playing]

- [high-pitched singing] Hey it's Pork E. time

Hey its Pork E. time

Pork E. time

[playful music]

- [man singing] This is America

Land of dreams

Everyone can climb higher

- [women singing] No you know you're stuck here

'Cause you're a part-timer yeah

- [man singing] You can do anything

- [woman singing] As long as it's not hard

- [man singing] And you can go anywhere

- [woman singing] As soon as you get a car

- [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success

- [woman singing] Come on that's not who you are

- [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed

With full-time dreams

And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems

Bad as it seems

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

Whoa

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

Oh

Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?

[wacky music playing]

- Excuse me?

I work in TV,

and I want to talk to someone about Pork E.

Do you know who's in charge here?

- This guy.

Well, technically, it's that guy.

[wacky music continues]

- Thank you.

- [high-pitched singing] Pork E. Pine

- Guys, we're gonna be on a TV commercial!

- Wow! - [laughs]

- And Ian is gonna star as the face of childhood obesity.

- Oh, because he looks like a fat child.

- No.

Because Pork E. may be portly,

but he can still dance.

And that is what childhood obesity is all about.

- What are the rest of us doing for the commercial?

- [scoffs]

- Oh, nothing.

Ian is the only one in the commercial.

Did I not make that clear?

- He does look like a fat child.

- Guys, we can all watch it on TV together.

- Hey. Can a fat child do this?

[scatting]

Can a fat child do this?

Whoa--aah!

[crashes] Ow!

[lively music]

- No, no, no. What happened to your leg?

- They said if I put any more pressure on it,

it'll snap like a twig.

Dude, I had to borrow this scooter from my Nana

in exchange for taking her to water aerobics for a month.

- This is a huge opportunity for us.

Don't you understand, man?

Thousands of dollars in free advertising.

- I understand, but I can't dance, man.

- [sighs]

[techno music playing]

Then you'll teach someone who can.

- Forget it.

Every time they go near that suit,

Ian leaves a single piece of poop in my locker.

- That was just one little nug.

And I warned you: no one touches the suit.

- That nug stunk for weeks

and ruined my limited edition Bono AIDS iPod.

- Okay, no one who likes Bono deserves the suit.

- Ian, if we get the pork man on TV,

he'll be a celebrity, and that means you'll be a celebrity.

- Okay, fine.

But I'm not gonna take it easy on him.

When he's dancing, he's representing me.

- All right.

Dinger?

- I'll do it.

I'll do it for Nana's scooter.

[chuckles]

- Yes! Going to Hollywood, guys.

[wheels squeaking]

- Wrong. Wrong.

You can't put on the suit until your body is prepped and lubed.

- Whatever, dude.

- Oh, you think this is funny?

Do you think these are funny?

[dramatic music]

- Oh, God. - Yeah.

What are you gonna do when your nipples start to sweat?

And that sweat turns into salt crystals,

which then turns into little tiny razor blades...

- No. - That shred your soft,

sweet nipple meat.

Don't even get me started on

what's gonna happen to your thighs.

Now let's get you lubed up.

Oh, Jesus, Dinger.

Really?

[lively music]

- Hey, girl, I'm covering the prize booth, and--

[funky music]

Ooh. I'll figure it out.

- Is it supposed to feel so good?

- Can you please just not say that while I'm down here?

- Yeah.

(Prize Booth Guide) (-Look super good -Never give out the big prizes--unless they share -Don't let Pete touch anything.)

- Hey, Ding--or--

Hi, Lori. You're working prizes now?

- Just like I did in '96.

Dinger makes this out to be rocket science,

but it's just counting tickets and handing out toys.

- What do I get for this?

- Oh, well, let's see what you got.

All right, one...two...

- I want a stretchy hand and I want it now.

- As soon as I'm done counting.

- My parents are in the car, so let's not keep 'em waiting.

Huh, toots?

[dramatic music] - I want it all!

- You will give this place the respect it deserves.

Mads.

- It's mine!

[all screaming]

[dramatic music swells]

[watch beeps]

- Workout gear! What do you think?

- Are those Ella's shorts?

Dude, you shouldn't go through other peoples' lockers.

That's not cool. - Oh, it's cool to crap in 'em?

Come on, man, just give me the suit.

Hey. Hey!

- You don't get to wear the suit

until you can handle wearing the suit.

- Just gonna grab this-- - No.

- Aah.

- Your training...starts now.

[intense music]

The suit is heavy.

It puts pressure on your shoulders,

your legs, and, sometimes after dry cleaning,

your junk.

Also...the suit is dark.

- [whimpers]

- The suit it taxing.

I once made it all the way to the locker room

before I realized I had a kid stuck in my quills.

Lastly, the suit is hot.

- Wait.

- Five, six, seven, eight.

Cross over front.

Cross over back.

Pull!

Now jump into a split.

- I can't, I-- - Jump, damn you.

[intense music continues]

I might have taken this a bit too far.

- No, this is for television, man.

- You're right. Ten more minutes.

[scary music] - Where are their parents?

- I thought you've done this before.

- Hey, what's up, guys?

- Watch out, Pete, they can smell fear!

- It's already too late! Aah!

- Hand over the helicopter and no one else gets hurt.

- Never. - Aah!

- For the 100th time,

cross over front...

Jump kick right.

And jump into a split.

- I...I can't.

- I said jump!

- I don't think I can do it!

- Jump split, damn you!

- [whines]

- Congratulations.

You're ready.

- [exhales weakly]

[dramatic music] [children clamoring]

- Ow! Oh, my God.

- I got a plan. Cover me.

I said cover me!

[children shouting]

Hey, hey, hey!

This what y'all want? Huh? Huh?

- Yeah.

- Come on, get it. Come on.

[children screaming]

[dramatic music]

- Hey, you can't lock us in here.

- You got an iPhone. Text your parents.

- What's your Wi-Fi password?

- [sighs] -(Closed for Filming)

- Action.

Action.

Action. - That's my chair.

- Oh. Oh, yeah, sorry.

Uh, you just have a trailer I can just hang out in?

- Yeah.

- Where is it?

- I can't do this.

- Hey. - [muffled scream]

- Listen, listen.

You're gonna nail it,

Pork E .'s gonna be famous,

and Nana's never gonna see this scooter again.

Got it? - Okay.

- Places, please. - Go.

Hey, no, no. This way, this way, this way.

- I wish I was back in the trunk.

- Go.

- And action.

- Action. That's an action.

[wacky music playing]

- Come on, Dinger, come on.

- [high-pitched singing] Hey it's Pork E. time

[wacky music continues]

- [grunts]

- What is he doing?

- [grunting]

- I think he's-- - Is he?

- No.

- I just pooped in your suit!

- What? - You mother[bleep]!

Ow! - It's just a nug.

Oh, wait.

He might have a friend.

[grunting]

- I'm gonna kill you!

- The second one was for Bono!

Whoo.

Yeah!

- No, no, no.

[wheels squeaking] Aah!

- Whoo! - Dinger!

Aah!

- We can just fix that in post, right?

[upbeat music]