My name is Gravid Grame.

What?

OK.

I'll let you off the hook.

It's not Gravid Grame.

It's David Gringer.

OK.

Seriously.

I'll tell you.

The real truth is, the guy, the host, it's me.

David Wain.

That's all it is.

-Oh!

-What?

This?

Oh, no, no, no.

Don't worry.

The baby's over there out of harm's way.

OK, so let's talk turkey, should we?

I mean, talk-- can you imagine if a turkey could talk?

Yeah, people talk all the time, but a turkey?

[LAUGHS]

That is too funny.

A talking turkey.

Anyway, you know, there's nothing better than a good

Wainy Day, except for a bad Wainy Night.

Because when the nights come on my Wainy life, it gets a

little bit bad.

And I mean that in more of like an urban, uptown way.

You want to see what I mean?

Check it out.

Cool, huh?

I mean cool, like Condi Rice or Levar Burton would say it.

Like, cooool.

You know?

Coooool.

OK.

Let's strut.

[SAXOPHONE PLAYING]

-Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

God!

Oh!

-Oh my god, that pretty lady needs help.

Hey, dude.

You're a bad man.

If you don't get out here, I'm gonna slap you, you understand

me?

-All right, all right.

I don't want trouble.

-My god, you're a big strong man.

-Yeah.

-Not you.

Him.

-Oh.

-But thank you.

-Well, it ain't no thang but a David Wain.

Just a nighttime thang.

Hoo!

Hoo!

Hoo!

Hoo!

Hoo!

Hoo!

CROWD: Hoo!

Hoo!

Hoo!

Hoo!

Hoo!

-Who's in-- who's in the dog pound?

-You are.

CROWD: Hoo!

Hoo!

Hoo!

Hoo!

Hoo!

-David, I think I'm falling for you.

-Shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

Stop.

It's too fast.

Can't we just get a cup of coffee or something?

-Caffeine gives me the loose poos.

-Well, just get a no-caffeine coffee?

Like a-- get, get a mocha or get a chai tea or a

green tea or a--

a pork tea.

It doesn't matter.

You can call me Ray, call me Jay, call me Al,

you can call me Sal.

Just don't call me--

BOTH: Late for supper.

[MUSIC - BABY, "GET YOUR BODY"]

DAVID (OFFSCREEN): You know, it's like, you know, what if

turkeys could talk.

-David.

-It's funny.

It just happens to be funny.

-Horrible.

-So tell me something about yourself.

-Oh, well, I tuck my penis between my legs, one ball at a

time, just like every other girl.

-Wait, wait, Hold on a second.

Stop, right now, rewind.

Penis?

-Well, yeah, I--

you--

I'm a man, baby.

-No, no, no, no, no.

Wait a minute.

Labels don't mean a thing to me.

It's what's on the outside that counts.

-I think you mean the inside.

-I mean I'd love to get up on in those insides, but the

thing is, you got that weenie-machiney, and I have

one myself.

-Agh!

-Agh!

Agh!

-We meet again, Mr. David Wain.

-Yes we do.

Miss--?

-You don't remember my name, do you?

-Of course, of course I do.

-What is it then?

-I'm not playing this game.

I know your name.

Either you believe me or you don't.

-I don't.

-Well, either you do or you don't.

-I don't.

-Either/or.

-You tell me my name, or the lady dies.

-What?

David, if you know her name, say it.

-Yes, David.

Say it.

-I don't have to say it, 'cause she always knows I know

it.

-You've got three seconds.

One.

-(SCREAMING) Please, David.

-You're the person I met at that party.

-Two!

-Say it!

Say her name.

-On principle alone, I don't have to say it.

-Three.

[GUNSHOT]

-Jennifer Fulson.

Right?

We, we met at that party in the Hamptons, and we were both

crowded around the spinach dip, and we were both like--

BOTH: Eat my shit.

-Ha, ha, ha!

You do remember.

-Yes.

But hey, give me a hug already, Jen.

-Oh, good to see you.

-[SHRIEKS]

What have I done? (WEEPING) He's dead.

My friend.

What the hell is that, though.

Wait a minute.

Jennifer Fulson?

But if she's her, the only thing I don't

understand is who you?

Trevor!

-David.

-You're alive.

-Yes.

-But if you're alive and th-that's Jennifer Fulson,

then who am I?

[GUNSHOT]

-Guess we'll never know.

I guess we'll never know.

-I couldn't keep up this charade anymore.

You know, the craziest things happen here on Wainy Nights.

So go to sleep, have a good night, and remember--

ALL: Luck is opportunity coupled with preparation.

Yayyy!

-But what we have is real.

-Yeah, for me, it was nothing but sex.

-Butt sex?

Yeah, great.

GORDON (OFFSCREEN): Tammy, I got the afternoon off.

I thought I could take you and the kids to

get some ice cream.

Who's this?