- Are you sure that's how Lori

would want you to clean the air hockey table?

- If I said yes, would you know any different?

- No, I would not.

- Then yes.

- Hey!

What's got two thumbs,

just bought the bowling alley next door,

and doesn't want your frickin' garbage on my property.

This guy.

- Well, this guy has no idea what you're talking about.

- Well, this girl's name is Ella.

And I think we've met before.

- Yeah, we've met all right.

Brazilian Pork E. Pine sex party in your kitchen.

I was all greased up,

went down on a lot of people.

- Oh. Yeah.

I remember the top of your head.

- Right on.

Yeah, after I left here, I saw the "For Sale" sign

on the building next-door.

Bought it,

and now here we are.

- Here we are indeed.

- In-real-deed.

- Excuse me, I still don't understand

why there's hot garbage on my floor.

- Garbage isn't the only thing that's hot in here.

- Ugh, Ella, please.

- You guys can't keep your garbage overflow

in the alley between our buildings.

The alley is mine.

- Actually it's mine.

I won it last year

in a competition with the previous owner.

- We call it the Pork Olympics.

- Pork O-what?

- You heard me.

We do it every year, and the winner gets to use the alley.

- I'd like to use your alley.

- Oh, it's a tight alley. - Uh-huh.

- But I'd let you put your hot garbage all over it.

- Oh, I would just dump it right in there.

- Yeah? - Yeah. - Yeah.

- At least point I can't tell

if you're talking about her or the building.

[playful music]

- [man singing] This is America

Land of dreams

Everyone can climb higher

- [women singing] Not you, though

You're stuck here

'Cause you're a part-timer, yeah

- [man singing] You can do anything

- [woman singing] As long as it's not hard

- [man singing] And you can go anywhere

- [woman singing] As soon as you get a car

- [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success

- [woman singing] Come on, that's not who you are

- [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed

With full-time dreams

And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems

Bad as it seems

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

Whoa

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

Oh

Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]? -(Closed for Pork-o-Lympics)

- No one is gonna walk their stupid face in here

and take our alley,

especially since winning at last year's Pork Olympics

is my only real accomplishment so far.

[cheers and applause]

- Add it to the list!

- All right, guys,

I need one athlete to represent us

in three events:

hot dog eating contest,

arm wrestling,

and bobbing for pizza.

Now, who's gonna do it?

- Ya! I will drink Frank's tears!

- Lori is our athlete!

[cheers and applause]

- And I will be her coach.

- Nope. - Towel boy.

- Yep. - That douche is going down!

- Yeah!

[cheers and applause]

- Or we could just avoid this whole thing.

- How would we do that?

- I'll use my vagina as an ambassador.

Then everybody wins.

- Ella, we need you on our team.

Are you with us or against us?

- From here up, I'm totally with you, okay?

From here down, there might be a traitor in our midst.

[all groan]

Sorry, okay? Okay. Ah.

I promise that for the next few hours,

my top half will control my bottom half.

Bottom half, keep it buttoned up.

Me and top half, we got this.

- All right, let's get the hot dogs prepped,

and let's take Frank down in the...

all: Pork Olympics!

- I will scalp his face off his head!

[growls]

[shrieks]

- She's ready.

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, Pete.

- So I was thinking we could inject Frank's hot dogs

with wasabi.

They'll be so hot, he won't be able to eat 'em.

- But that's cheating.

- Do it.

If Frank gets mad,

he can put something kosher in my bun.

- Ella.

- [laughing]

That's good.

- [laughs]

My bun is cool to room temperature

and ready to be buttered.

- Wait, you like the bowling alley guy too?

- Yes. - Oh. No.

I can't even eat buns.

I have a gluten intolerance that's murder on my bowels.

- Jesus. - Oh.

That sounds, um, horrible.

- It is.

But, like, in a sexy way.

No?

- No.

- All right, Lori, you got this.

Frank is going down hard.

- I eat meat for breakfast.

Small fish to me, boy.

- I was here warming up for about an hour.

You really got to loosen up the esophagus

so the dogs just go right down.

[belches loudly]

- [belches loudly]

[gentle acoustic guitar music]

- [belches loudly]

- [belches loudly]

- Uh, God, they have their own mating call.

- Well, let's get this party started.

- Yes, first person to finish all their hot dogs wins.

And...

go!

[cheers and applause]

- Wasabi dogs? My favorite.

- God.

I knew I should have injected them with fish oil.

[cheers and applause]

- Winner winner, wasabi dinner.

- Hey, he's not worth it.

- Thunk, thunk, splurt.

You hear that?

It's the sound of me dumping hot garbage

in my alley.

- Hi.

Ha!

- Damn it, guys, we need a new strategy.

If we don't win this thing,

we're gonna have nowhere to put our garbage,

and it's gonna smell like old cheese in here.

Hey, Ella,

I think it's time to unleash bottom half.

- Really? - Sure.

Who am I to get in the way of love

or whatever is going on here.

- Don't think about it to hard. I don't.

- All right, now go out there

and show him bottom half.

Or top half or whatever you think

will distract him enough for us to win.

- I see what you're doing,

and I like it,

because bottom half is bursting at the button fly.

- Then by all means, unleash the Kraken.

- Okay, but first I have to wax the Kraken.

- What? No.

I was just talking about your boobs.

- Oh, okay. That works.

- Frank, Lori,

may the strongest arm win.

Lori, don't you dare F this up.

- I got this. - Don't get in her head.

- Stop yelling in my ear. - Copy that.

- And...begin!

[cheers and applause]

- Come on! You got thick arms!

- Yo, wasabi dog!

- Thanks for carbo-loading my eyeballs, babe.

- Huh?

- [screams]

- No!

- I'm sorry, Anton.

I should have known my boobs

would only be an inspiration.

- Well, I win the Pork Olympics.

I will see you losers later.

- Wait.

Double or nothing.

One round of bobbing for pizza,

and if we win, we get the alley

and free bowling at your place for life.

- And if I win?

- Then you get...

my entire staff.

- What? - What?

- What the hell?

- Except you, Lori.

I actually need you.

- Oh, okay. Well, then that's fine then.

Let's do this.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Looks like you're gonna be working under me pretty soon.

- [chuckles] Under you.

Wouldn't mind that.

I bet you have a lot of experience,

what, with all your sex club stuff.

- Yeah, used to belong to 'em all:

The Drilly Bits, The Stinky Mice,

The Squishing Cowpatties,

My Super-Effin' Book Club.

Last one's not a sex club.

Mysteries just kind of give me a boner.

- Oh.

- I used to be the belle at the ball.

- Used to be?

- Yeah.

Ever since I bought the bowling alley,

turned over a new leaf.

Frank wants to settle down.

You know?

I think I'm ready to be a one-woman man,

and I think...

you could be that woman.

- Wait, what?

- Yeah, we'll win this competition,

pitch a tent in the alley,

and set up a place to sleep after that.

Wink, wink.

- [groans]

But there are just so many alleys that I haven't gone down.

What about the alley behind the grocery store?

Or the alley behind the nail salon?

Or that one girl named Allie?

I just--I don't think I'm a one-alley kind of girl.

- But...my hot garbage.

- I'm sorry, Frank,

but if you want to be with me,

you have to be willing to be

with a lot of other people too.

This is as far as we go.

- What?

- And now, now, now, now

the final event, event, event for the whole enchilada--

the alley and the staff--

the pizza bob!

[cheers and applause]

- I'm an expert at bobbing for wet things in dark places.

- Yuck.

- And...go!

[cheers and applause]

- What the hell?

- That was for you, babe.

I'm gonna win you back.

I'm ready to be with any and all women.

- Hot.

- Go, Lori!

- Whoo!

- Oh, yeah.

[all groan]

- Whoo! Frank is the man!

- So do we fill out new W-2s or...