- Wow.

I've dreamed of working at Pork E. Pine's

ever since I was a kid.

- Really?

Astronaut? Firefighter?

All those dreams taken?

- Excuse me? - Nothing.

I'll show you around.

That's Dinger.

He's been here longer than Pork E. Pine's itself.

It was a Hometime Buffet before.

He just never left.

That's Ella.

We found her sleeping in the alley and took her in.

She's new to the idea of personal boundaries.

She'll get it. Or get sued.

Moving on.

That's Anton, the owner.

His dad gave him this place

after he accidentally burned down the last one.

And Ian there, he's our mascot.

- Wait, that's Pork E. Pine? For real?

- Mm-hmm.

But the novelty will wear off soon enough.

- Oh, it won't for me.

You know, Lori, back when I was a kid

growing outside of Vulture's Pont,

my family ate practically every meal at Pork E. Pine's.

We weren't fancy enough for the Spaghetti Factory crowd.

But at Pork E.'s we felt welcome,

not just on birthdays, but every day.

This was a place we could always call home.

- Sorry, new guy.

- Is he okay?

- No, he's dead.

We're gonna have to find a new one.

- Oops.

[playful music]

- [man singing] This is America

Land of dreams

Everyone can climb higher

- [women singing] No you know you're stuck here

'Cause you're a part-timer yeah

- [man singing] You can do anything

- [woman singing] As long as it's not hard

- [man singing] And you can go anywhere

- [woman singing] As soon as you get a car

- [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success

- [woman singing] Come on that's not who you are

- [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed

With full-time dreams

And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems

Bad as it seems

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

Whoa

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

Oh

Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?

- Welcome to your new job...

Pete.

- Wow, this place is so amazing.

You know, I used to come here when I was a kid.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is your dream, blah, blah, blah.

Tell you what, why don't you show yourself around.

- Oh, this place hasn't changed a bit.

[soft piano music]

[rock music]

Wish that I were but a drop of barf on her cheek

so that she might touch me.

- Hey, new guy.

Back off. - Huh?

- You're standing too close to the prize booth.

- But that's over there.

- Think of the prize booth as my castle.

That makes this the moat.

- Oh, well, permission to cross the drawbridge, sir.

- Denied. - Oh.

- But as a gesture of goodwill,

I'll let you pick a prize.

- Oh, no, thanks.

- What, my crappy little prizes aren't good enough for ya?

- Oh, uh...

Ah, you know what,

I'll take this badge.

- You know what,

ever since you took over,

this place has really improved.

- I know, right?

I don't see any other kid's restaurants

installing tanning lights.

Genius. - Yeah, I know.

Hey, is it just me or is something a little off

about the new guy?

- Like what? - I don't know.

I need a closer look.

Pass me the hello-scope.

Well, hello.

- Dude, he's over there. - Sorry.

Ah, looks like he's looking for something.

Huh.

He's got a badge.

Oh, my God. The new guy's a narc.

- No way, man. He's, like, what, 12 years old?

- Two words: 21 Jump Street.

- Why would they send an undercover cop here?

- Maybe because of Scooter.

- Who? - You know.

The guy whose face got in the way of our skee ball.

Yesterday, dude.

- Wait, so you're saying we're prime suspects for a murder?

But the coroner said it was an accident.

- The coroner is probably in on it.

Who knows how high up this thing goes.

- Wow, this thing must be serious.

They sent their number one sheriff after us.

- It was such a good crime.

We didn't even know we did it.

- Wait, did we do it? - I don't know.

But we should probably figure it out before he does.

- Um...

Hello?

- You ever think grease spots

are really just birthmarks for buildings?

- No. - Hmm.

- Um, I'm just here just to rinse off a retainer.

I think it belongs to the one girl with the long braid.

- Ah, that would be Mads.

- Mads. - Uh-huh.

- Oh. That's a cool name.

Um, can you tell me what she's like?

- Well, I know she loves guys who--

[bell dings] Pizza's done.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.

Do you want some?

- Oh, no, thanks.

- I made it. It's mushroom.

- Okay. Okay.

Oh. Hmm.

But we were talking about what's-her-name.

Mads. [bell dings]

- Ooh, that'll be the garlic bread.

- [sighs]

- Okay, top ten reasons we are guilty of murdering Scooter.

- Dude, if someone comes into this room

and they see Scoter's name written on here,

we're busted.

- You're right.

Top ten reasons we are guilty

of murdering "Scu-ga-ter."

- Dude, that's brilliant.

- I know, right?

- Okay, one, we totally killed "Scu-ga-ter."

- True.

We did it.

- Two.

Your fingerprints are on the murder weapon.

- Ah! You're right.

Fingerprints.

- Three, I may have spit on the ball.

- Why would you ever do that?

- Well, you know, I thought it would be funny

if you were, like, "Eww, there's spit on my hand,"

and then I would laugh at you.

- God, you are so stupid.

Now the cop has our D 'n A.

D and A.

- Oh, my God, dude.

We are so guilty.

You know there's only one thing we can do.

We're gonna have to kill-- - Ourselves?

- No, we're not gonna kill ourselves.

We have to kill the cop.

- Wait, why don't we just bribe him?

- Works for me.

- Hey, sorry

that I'm bringing this up again,

but you were telling me that Mads loves guys who...

- Oh, yes.

Okay, so Mads loves guys who...

Oh...

I think those mushrooms were off.

- Why?

- Because you look like Abe Lincoln.

- Oh! - Oh, man.

We're messed up, aren't we?

- What...

What kind of mushrooms were these?

- Don't know.

I found them growing outside

the free clinic this morning.

- I think I'm gonna go.

- Thanks for freeing the slaves.

Abe.

- Oh, I have a whole stack of coupons

for the car wash next door.

Or do you think maybe he prefers cash?

- Don't ask me.

All my money's tied up in the sock market.

- You mean the stock market.

- Yeah, that's what said.

The sock market.

- Hey!

I'm looking for someone.

both: He did it.

- Did what?

- He's playing dumb.

- All right, we'll play.

What do you want from us?

- I want to know

what your dating policy is.

- Could you excuse us for a second?

- Dude, I did not see that one coming.

- I know, he's totally hitting on you.

- Me? He's hitting on you.

- I'm not gonna have sex with him.

- Neither am I.

- We're talking about jail time here.

- Oh, no. The retainer.

- Okay, narc.

We'll both have sex with you

if you--hey.

Hey!

- Damn, this cop is hard-core.

- I know. He can't be bought.

Where are you going?

- To prepare.

We are totally going to prison.

- Mads. Or--I mean, hey.

You. - Hey.

- Wow. Hi.

- Pete, right?

- Yeah.

Um...

Oh, um...

I found this, and I think it's yours.

- You know, I really love a guy who--

- Yeah? - Isn't afraid to touch

a girl's mouth.

I like your glasses.

It's like they're hiding a real man behind them.

[rock music]

- [sniffs]

Oh, man, the toilet wine's coming along great.

We're gonna be such a hit at the prison Christmas parties.

- Oh, that's awesome, because I just fit three sandwich bags

worth of contraband up my butt.

- What you got up there?

- Dude, the real question is

what don't I got up there?

Yeah, I got a yo-yo.

I got a stretchy hand. - Nice.

- A ball and paddle for entertainment.

And a harmonica for the ladies.

- Prison lays.

both: Heyo!

- Hey, you know what would be even cooler

than toilet wine?

- What's that?

- Toilet beer. - That's genius.

It's a whole new demographic.

- All you gotta do is get the yeast.

- All right. - [laughs]

- I got to figure out how to fit that up there too.

Great.

[rock music]

- Wow.

The sheriff likes to get freaky.

- Uh...

is he really--

- Yep. - With--

- Mm-hmm.

- Um, eww.

- [moaning]

- It's not his fault.

Ella accidentally fed him bad pizza.

- You drugged a narc?

- Abe Lincoln is a narc?

- Pete is not a narc.

I go to spin class with his mama ever Wednesday.

She begged him to give him a job.