that I'm trained in couples therapy.

我是受過夫妻心理治療方面訓練的醫師

- Duh. That's why we hired you.

-挖災，這就是我們請你來的原因啊

- But you two aren't a couple, correct?

-但你們不太像是情侶或是夫妻，對吧？

You're just friends?

你們只是朋友吧

- Yes, Gary. God! - Keep up.

-對啦，蓋瑞，天啊！ -繼續啦

- Okay.

-好吧

Why don't the two of you tell me

你們兩個有沒有人能告訴我

why we're all here, especially me?

為何我們會在這裡，特別是我？

- Gary, will you let us just talk?

-蓋瑞，你能不能讓我們講話就好？

- It's okay. Ian.

-別衝動啦，伊恩

I'll begin.

那我先開始吧

[sighs] Okay.

(嘆氣)好的

It all started this morning

一切都要從早上在

outside the storage room.

儲藏室外面發生的事說起

[harp music]

(豎琴彈奏聲)

- Wait! No, no, I wanted to do the flashback music.

-等一下！不行，我要親自彈回想的音樂

- All right, fine. Whatever.

-好啦，隨便你啦

- Okay.

-好喔

It all started this morning

一切都要從早上在

outside the storage room.

儲藏室外面發生的事說起

[harp music]

(豎琴彈奏聲)

We were having the same conversation

我們就如往常一樣在那邊

we always have.

打屁聊天

- So where do you want to go for dinner after work?

-你下班之後要去哪裡吃晚餐？

- I don't know. What do you feel like?

-我不知道耶，你覺得呢？

- I feel like I want you to decide for once.

-我在想這一次是不是該換你決定了？

- Okay, Chinese.

-好啦，中國菜餐館

- No, you know I hate Chinese!

-不要，你明知道我討厭吃中國菜！

- Well, don't ask what I want

-是嗎？那既然我講了你也不喜歡

if you don't want to know the answer.

就不要問我想吃什麼嘛

But then things got weird.

但接下來事情開始變得很奇怪

[all screaming]

(所有人在尖叫)

[laughing]

(笑)

[dramatic beat]

(戲劇性敲擊聲)

- I was really upset.

-我真的覺得很不爽

- Sure, walking in on employees disrespecting your space

-那當然啦，在公司裡撞見員工在那邊卿卿我我的

would be upsetting to anyone.

任誰都會不高興的

- What? No, that part was fine.

-不是啦，那部分還好啦

I was upset because Ian and I

我不爽的原因是因為我和伊恩

just don't find the same things funny anymore.

覺得好笑的東西再也不一樣了

- How could you not find that utterly hilarious?

-你怎麼會不覺得那樣子很好笑？

- I don't know. It just didn't grab me.

-我不知道，我不懂那笑點在哪

- Gary...

-蓋瑞...

you have to help us get our spark back.

-你一定要幫我們把過去哥倆好的默契找回來

- Please.

-拜託你了

[playful music]

(俏皮音樂)

- [man singing] This is America

- (男聲) 這裡是美國

Land of dreams

夢想的發源之地

Everyone can climb higher

每個人都能高高在上

- [women singing] Not you, though

- (女聲) 你錯了

You're stuck here

你明知道自己被困在這裡

'Cause you're a part-timer, yeah

因為你只是個實習工讀生，耶~

- [man singing] You can do anything

- (男聲) 想做什麼都隨心所欲

- [woman singing] As long as it's not hard

- (女聲) 前提是不要太難

- [man singing] And you can go anywhere

- (男聲) 想去哪玩也隨心所欲

- [woman singing] As soon as you get a car

- (女聲) 前提是你得有車

- [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success

- (男聲) 你就能坐擁天下

- [woman singing] Come on, that's not who you are

- (女聲) 拜託，你以為你是誰？

- [man singing] You're a part-timer

- (男聲) 實習工讀生是一種詛咒

Cursed with full-time dreams

雖然你充滿夢想

And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems

但薪水就跟表面看起來一樣的糟

Bad as it seems

一樣糟糕

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

你到底是吃錯什麼藥？

Whoa

哇喔

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

到底為什麼要來這裡啊？

Oh

喔~

Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?

兄弟，認真的嗎？ -你到底在這裡做什麼啊？

- So you guys don't find the same things funny.

-所以你們倆對於好笑的事物標準已經不一樣了

That's okay.

但這又有什麼關係呢

Lots of couples outgrow each other's senses of humor.

很多情侶會因為慢慢長大，而不再有幽默感

- We don't want to hear about you and your wife, Gary.

-我們不想聽你跟你老婆的故事，蓋瑞

- Yeah, ew.

-對啊，噁心耶

- I wasn't--

-我不是在說...

never mind.

算了

Let's try to find some common ground.

我們來試著找出你倆的共同笑點吧

Anton, what makes you laugh?

安東尼，什麼東西你會覺得好笑？

- I don't know.

-我不知道

I guess...

我猜應該是...

Okay, you know those posters

好喔，你知道有些海報上面

with a cat hanging on a clothesline

會有一條曬衣繩，上面掛著一隻貓

with a caption that reads, "Hanging in there"?

上面還寫了字：「撐著點」嗎？ (譯註: 此處為雙關語，hanging in there除了字面上「掛在那裡」的意思，還有「撐著點」之意)

[both laughing]

(兩人一起笑)

- Oh, wonderful stuff.

-喔，還滿好笑的

Ian, are you seeing the humor here?

伊恩，你懂那個笑點了嗎？

- No.

-不懂

The only thing that's worse than a cat in a poster

比一隻貓出現在海報裡更糟的事情就是

is you two right now.

你們兩個現在坐在這裡

- Let's try to keep it positive, Ian, okay?

-我們保持積極正面的心態，好嗎，伊恩？

Why don't you share something that you find funny?

你們何不分享一些你們各自覺得有趣的東西？

- Okay, sure, yeah. Gee, let me think.

-好喔，太棒了，呃，我想想

Uh, Pete naked playing beauty shop

呃，皮特光溜溜地在玩美髮的遊戲

with Mads' hair.

還幫麥姿梳頭

[harp music]

(豎琴音樂)

- Stop laughing, dude!

-別笑了，老兄！

We were nervous about our first kiss.

我們對於初吻太過緊張了

- So we decided to get more comfortable

-所以我們決定讓氣氛輕鬆一點

but helping each other get over our worst fears.

幫對方去除各自內心的恐懼嘛

- Aw. That makes sense.

-噢，聽起來滿合理的

- Pete is helping me get comfortable

-皮特是在幫我被另一個人摸頭髮

with another person touching my hair.

的時候，比較不會感到尷尬

- Yeah, and Mads is helping me get comfortable

-對啊，麥姿則是幫我練習裸體站在女生面前

being naked in front of a girl.

能比較自在、不會尷尬

- Aw, Pete,

-噢，皮特

you're way lamer than I thought.

你的理由比我想得還要爛

- Dude, shut up.

-閉嘴啦老兄

I think it's sweet.

我覺得這還滿幸福的啊

- [spits with laughter]

-(笑到噴口水)

- Leave us alone!

-離我們遠點啦！

- Yeah, you're so... insensitive, man.

-就是啊，你這個沒感情的人

Body issues are real.

身體的問題很重要好嘛

- Body iss-- [laughing]

-你身體有問題...(笑)

You're so skinny!

你瘦得跟皮包骨一樣！

Oh! Oh!

喔，喔

Oh! Oh!

痛死了

- [laughing hysterically]

-(歇斯底里地笑了起來)

[harp music]

(豎琴音樂)

[laughing]

(笑)

Oh, now, that's what I call comedy.

喔，這才叫做戳中我的笑點嘛

- This therapy sucks. I'm going back to the past.

-這種治療爛透了，我要回到過去

- Ian? Ian!

-伊恩？伊恩！

Put the harp down, Ian.

把豎琴放下來，伊恩

Let's stay in the present so we can work this out.

我們要活在當下，這樣才能解決問題

- The present sucks.

-可是現在就很爛嘛

There's no naked hair play here.

這裡又沒有毛被剃淨的女人可以玩

- Now, I'm going to throw some funny things out there,

-現在啊，我要試著拋出一些好笑的事物讓你們聽

and you guys can giggle

你們呢，不管哪個笑點

whenever something tickles your fancy.

戳中了你，都可以盡情大笑

[laughing]

(笑)

Ahhhh.

啊

How about some physical comedy?

來一點肢體喜劇怎麼樣？

I'm going into the basement.

我要去地下室囉

- Yeah, that's only funny 'cause of what you're wearing.

-好好笑，唯一好笑的地方就是你身上穿的衣服

- Is it, though?

-是不是呢？

Or is it funny because

又或者，好笑的原因

there's no basement door down here?

是因為這裡下去根本就沒有地下室呢？

Ha ha!

哈哈！

I can't hear laughter.

我聽不到你們在笑喔

- This guy's the worst. - Seriously.

-這是哪門子的治療師啊 -不能同意你更多了

- Okay, there's no need to be rude.

-我聽到了喔，你們可以不要這麼沒禮貌嗎？

- Oh, sorry, I thought you were in the basement.

-喔，不好意思吼，我還以為你在地下室了

- Ian, why don't you just finish telling your story?

-伊恩，你怎麼不繼續把你的故事講完？

- Now? - Go on without me.

-現在嗎？ -繼續，不用理我

I threw out my back.

我閃到腰了 (譯註: throw out one's back指的是「某人閃到腰」)

- Finally.

-終於啊

[harp music]

(豎琴音樂)

Pete and Mads went looking for some privacy.

皮特和麥姿想找個私人空間

So, naturally, I followed them.

所以很自然地，我就跟蹤他們

- Stop spying on them.

-不要再跟蹤他們了啦

They're having a nice moment.

他們小倆口正要共度美好時光

At least someone around here should.

這裡本來有個人也應該享有快樂時光的

- What's that supposed to mean? - Oh, I don't know.

-你那什麼意思？ -喔，這我可不知道

I started working out two weeks ago,

我2個禮拜前就開始運動了

and you didn't even notice.

你也沒有注意到

- Uh, yeah, that's 'cause I don't see you naked?

-呃，是吼，就因為我沒看到你裸體？

And besides, you're one to talk.

再說了，你自己不也五十步笑百步？

You totally missed our friendiversary last month.

你上個月完全錯過我們的友情紀念日了

- Oh, yeah? And what would we have done?

-哦，是嗎？那我們要怎麼挽救？

Gone to get Chinese food even though you know I hate it?

去中國菜餐館慶祝？即使你明知道我不喜歡？

- Okay, look, I can't help it if my palate

-夠了，聽著，要是我的嗜好比你還要

is a little more sophisticated than yours.

有品味、還要高級，那我也救不了你

- Oh, so now you're better than me? - Shut up!

-哦，所以你現在的意思是你比我還要好囉？ -你閉嘴！

- See, you used to talk to me with respect.

-你看，你之前都還會和我好好講話的

- No, I mean, like, be quiet for a second.

-不是啦，我是叫你，安靜一下下

I think they're about to do the tongue-dango.

我覺得他們要「唇槍舌戰」了

They're--they're about to kiss?

他們...他們要親親了？

- Um...so...

-呃恩...所以...

- Uh, you think it's gonna rain?

-呃，妳猜現在外面是不是快下雨啦？

- Are you serious right now?

-你現在是在開玩笑緩和氣氛嗎？

Why aren't you kissing me?

你為什麼不趕快親我？

- I'm nervous.

-我好緊張

I say trivial weather stuff when I'm nervous.

我緊張的時候，會跟人家說日常天氣怎麼樣

- I have an idea.

-我有個辦法

Why don't we pretend to be other people?

我們何不假裝成其他人？

Then we won't have to be so nervous

這樣我們的初吻就不會變得

about our first kiss.

那麼緊張

- Yeah. Good.

-好啊，不賴

You know who I want you to be?

妳知道我希望妳假扮成誰嗎？

- Who?

-誰？

- JK Rowling.

-J·K·羅琳

Hot!

性感死了！

- Um, 'kay.

-恩，好喔

[clears throat]

(清喉嚨)

And who would that make you, sir?

那你又要假扮成誰呢，先生？

- Well, if you're the famous author,

-這個嘛...如果妳是知名作家

that makes me...

那我就是妳的...

Your publisher.

上游出版商

- Ooh, am I on a really tight deadline?

-嗚~那我有沒有迫在眉睫的交稿期限呢？

- The tightest.

-超級急件

And, you know, if I don't get your pages soon,

要是我未能如期拿到妳的稿子的話

I might just have to take back your three-book deal

我可能只好把妳3本書的稿約取消，還有預先給妳的酬勞

and your advance.

通通先拿回來了

- Ooh, I love the pressure.

-嗚~ 我喜歡這種壓力

- Oh, me too.

-喔，我也是

[soft music]

(輕柔音樂)

- JK Rowling? Ha!

-J·K·羅琳？你是白痴嗎？

Dude, your sexual fantasy is so not freaky,

老兄，你的性癖好還真不是普通的怪

it's freaky.

是超級無敵怪

- Ugh!

-呃！

[with British accent] I can't get any writing done in here.

(英國腔) 我沒辦法在這裡撰稿下去了

You'll have to find a place more private.

你得再找個更隱密的地方

[in regular voice] Oh, and when you do,

(正常的腔調) 喔，你來的時候

bring that beard.

記得戴上鬍子

You know which one.

你知道該選哪一個

- Well, excuse me, gentlemen.

-哼哼，不好意思吼，兩位先生

Seems there's a book that needs some publishing,

看起來這裡還有一本書尚待出版呢

and I'm the only guy for the job. Ha-ha...

我呢，就是那個出版的人啦，哈哈...

- Aw.

-噢

Did you see how much they like being around each other?

你有沒有發現他們現在越來越愛待在對方身旁了？

- What?

-什麼？

Okay, how are you not finding this hilarious?

等等，為什麼剛剛那件事你不覺得好笑？

[harp music]

(豎琴音樂)

Anton: And that's when we decided

安東尼: 這就是為什麼我們決定

to hire a good therapist.

雇用一個品質優良的治療師

- But they were all booked, so we settled for you.

-但他們都被預約走了，我們就只好挑你啦

- The feeling is mutual.

-這種感覺是互相的

Let's try one more exercise

我們在徹底說放棄以前

before we throw in the towel

再做另一項練習

and I never, ever come back again.

如果還是不行，我就再也不會來這裡了

- Okay. - Good.

-好啊 -太好了

- I'll re-create a moment of conflict,

-我會重新建立衝突點

and we'll play out a resolution

然後我們會將比原先發生

that was better than what happened.

還要更好的結果作結

[dramatic music]

(戲劇性音樂)

Now, I'm Pete, and this is Mads.

現在，我假扮成皮特，這個是麥姿

How does that make you feel?

這樣讓你們覺得怎麼樣？

- [laughs]

-(笑)

- I feel like this doesn't remind me of Pete or Mads,

-我覺得這根本不會讓我聯想到皮特或麥姿

and now I'm gonna need therapy for this therapy.

而且我現在還需要為這蠢心理治療再找新的心理治療

- What are you talking about? This is hilarious, man.

-你在說什麼啊？這很好笑耶，老兄

- This might be working for you, but it's not doing it for me.

-這可能是對你有「笑」果啦，但對我完全沒有

- Don't worry, Ian. Now it's your turn.

-別擔心，伊恩，現在換你了

Anton, I would break this over your head,

小安，我現在要用這個砸你的頭

but the board of California prohibits me

但是加州醫學委員會禁止我們

from hand-to-hand combat with patients.

用赤腳空拳的方式和病人打起來

- But nudity is allowed?

-啊裸體就被允許喔？

- I don't make the rules, Ian.

-你問我我哪知道，伊恩？

You'll have to do it. - What?

那就交給你來做吧 -什麼？

- Go ahead, Ian.

-去吧，伊恩

It's the only way you'll empathize

這是你可以理解為什麼小安會因為

with why Anton was laughing at your head wound.

你頭受傷而嘲笑你的唯一方法

- Okay, I take it back.

-好吧，我把之前說的話收回來

This therapist is awesome. Rock on, Gare.

你這位治療師真的是太讚啦，爽啦，蓋瑞 (譯註: rock on有許多意思，但大多是一種歡呼應答的虛詞，相當於中文的「好耶」)

- How is any of this supposed to help?

-這算哪門子的治療方式？

- Anton, let the healing in.

-小安，安靜讓治療繼續進行

- I'm gonna heal the shit out of you!

-我要治好你這個背叛友情的垃圾！

- No! - Get back here!

-我才不要！-你給老子回來！

- No. [plate shatters] -Oh!

-死都不要 (盤子碎裂聲) -靠！

[Gary moaning] You idiot! Ah! Bloody... help...

(蓋瑞痛苦地呻吟) 你這個混蛋！啊！流血了...救命啊...

[both laughing]

(兩人都笑了)

- Oh! - Talk about a head case.

-喔！ -看來有人的頭出了問題呢

- Hey-oh! [both laughing]

-嘿喔！ (兩人笑了起來)

And look at that.

欸，你看

We're laughing at the same thing.

我們兩個對同一件事笑耶

- We're back, man.

-我們還是好麻吉，兄弟

Wow, Gary. You're a great therapist.

哇，蓋瑞，你真的是一位很棒的治療師

- Yeah, I mean, I still hate you but less,

-對啊，我是說，我還是討厭你啦，但好一點點了

which is an important step for me.

這對我來說真的是滿關鍵的一步

[romantic music]

(羅曼蒂克的音樂)

- Finally, some privacy.

-終於啊，都沒有人了

You found your beard.

你找到你的鬍子啦？

- [giggles] Yeah.

-(笑)對啊

I ran all the way home.

我跑回家拿

I know how much you like it.

因為我知道妳有多喜歡這鬍子

- [with British accent] So are you ready

-(帶著英國腔講話) 那你...準備好來跟我

to collect my draft, Mr. Random House? -Sure, I am.

拿初稿了嗎，藍燈書屋先生？ -當然了 (譯註: Random House是德國媒體集團貝塔斯曼旗下的一家出版社，總部設在美國紐約市，書屋於1927年成立)

[both laughing]

(雙方笑了)