A week ago I asked if we could talk, and you penciled me in.

You can tell something is wrong, and I can tell you know something is wrong, but neither of us are going to say anything.

I'm late, as usual.

You give me a hug and a kiss and you can tell I'm nervous from how quickly I let go.

I'm immediately annoyed at how far we are sitting from one another, but also kinda grateful for how far we are sitting from one another, 'cause I don't know if I could say this up close.

I skim the menu and ask you how your day was, trying to avoid eye contact.

You talk about nothing but work as per usual, and you don't ask me about my day.

As per usual.

Recognizing that this is getting awkward, I say, do you want a drink.

I'm trying to break the tension, but I could also just really use a drink right now.

When I think about what you look like, I remember you no closer than eight feet away, looking at your phone on your way out the door to go do something that isn't spending time with me.

But right now, when you're right in front of me, you're leaning in in the first time in forever, asking what's wrong without saying words.

More present than you've ever been, this just got a lot harder.

Suddenly I remember the moment we met, when you looked at me the way you're looking at me now.

With the kindest eyes I've ever seen.

That stopped me in my tracks.

This is the moment I almost get cold feet.

But before those eyes can stop me again, I look down on my drink and say, "I think we should break up."

You go silent as your eyes scan every inch of my face, trying to get a grip on what I just said.

Damn it, you're beautiful, even when you're in shock.

You open your mouth like you're about to say something, and close it again, unsure of what to say.

And now my heart is sinking,

'cause now I'm remembering all of the reasons I fell for you in the first place.

All the memories and moments that made me put this off as long as I did.

And now we're sitting here staring at each other for what feels like an eternity, and finally my anxiety boils up out of me.

"Are you gonna say anything?"

And at last you break eye contact, look down and whisper, "I don't know what to say."

And I whisper back, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have blindsided you like this."

Now this is the loudest moment of silence I have ever sat through.

Like you wouldn't give me the time of day.

I had to schedule our break up a week in advance, and you lean back and say, no, I understand.

But you didn't reply to my texts, I got one word answers.

I was skipping meals so we could eat together.

Sorry if I got tired of waiting.

And you look back at me and say, "I'm sorry, I know I haven't been... I don't know."

We talk for a while and call it a night.

You give me another hug and kiss me on the cheek

the way you know I love, and this time, I don't wanna let go.

I can't count how many times I've come back to this restaurant, at this table, with this waitress, and replayed that conversation in my head.

Rewriting the things I wish I had said.

Regretting the things I didn't give you a chance to say.

Wishing I told you sooner that something was wrong,

and wondering if maybe you cared more than I thought.

This is where we broke up.

I guess I wish it had gone differently.