Here's my human.

He just looks so cute when he sleeps.

Sometimes I wonder what he dreams about.

We've got a pretty good thing going.

For example, he just bought me a stationary car window for my birthday, which was pretty cool, no pun intended.

We may not look it, but we're pretty healthy.

We eat a balanced diet and we do work out.

I take him on smell tours of the neighborhood and he scratches that area that makes me lose control of my body.

Hey, Gus, what do you think about that?

But sometimes I just worry that he could use a little extra company.

Here's the problem: Humans overcomplicate everything, case in point.

Hey, Gus, tonight is very important to me, okay?

I haven't had a date in a very long time.

Blah blah blah blah blah. He overthinks it.

You chase each other around and then you lick each other's faces, then it's on. Simple.

But no. Instead he spends hours destroying random things he found in the garden to present to his date.

Maybe to prove he's a hunter.

I don't know. None of that stuff runs away.

And it's show time.

Hey. Welcome. -Hi.

Come on, touch noses.

No. Oh, and they shake. It's not even an impressive trick, by the way.

Now here's the part that kills me.

They're hungry, there's food in front of them, and they just blab for hours.

And then, when they do eat, they play this weird game of food golf from these complicated sticks navigating weeds into their mouth holes.

What do you like to do on the weekends?

Uh... Uh... -Uh oh. Don't say it. Don't say it.

Taxes.

-Oh. You said it.

Really, that's...

I just do taxes like, all the time.

-All right.

Oh my god! Gus! I love him!

Uh huh, awesome!

Yes, it's true. Part of being a best friend does mean you have to run interference when it's needed.

He is so cool!

Yeah, yeah, he's a good dog.

Well, in any case, if anyone out there wants a dinner date with me, I keep it simple.

Set the table, fill your plates with healthy, delicious food, and then we eat.

We can save the talking for when we're full.