- [All] Three, two, one, go!

- Jackoff!

Alright, I'm gonna turn this off now

so I can pleasure myself in an office.

(upbeat, exciting music)

- Okay, so, what are we doing today?

I don't know how is best to describe it.

- Like, where do we.

- When do we touch ourselves?

- First of all, it's all.

- Today we're gonna get our sperm counts tested.

This topic is very important to me because

I want to have children.

- I'm actually really interested to find out

if my sperm are normal.

- This is not something you think about.

You're just like, yeah, my dick works.

When we talk about fertility, we talk about

women having to get tested a lot,

but not as much about men.

Do you think that's true?

- It's absolutely true, and it's absolutely not fair.

We don't really know how big of a problem this is

because a lot of couples will either give up

and not come in, or a lot of guys

won't think that there's anything wrong with them.

- Every guy is terrified of having a baby,

but I feel like, secretly, we're more terrified

of not being able to have a baby.

- I'm nervous.

- Don't be nervous, it's really easy.

You've done this at home a thousand times.

- More than that.

- Basically, you're going to collect sperm

into a cup.

- We were planning on making it a race.

- [Zach] We're gonna try and be quickest.

- [Keith] Go!

- Now to think about my wife.

- So I'm in the masterbatorium,

about to get fine-gritty.

And it couldn't be weirder.

- I don't, what do I.

- [Keith] Yeah, you just came out, what time was it?

- [Zach] 5:07! You're fast at jerking it.

- Trying to figure out the DVD player.

It won't work.

- Guys, we did it.

6:54, that's respectable.

How long does it normally take?

- Maybe ten minutes is average.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

- 12:25.

- I took time to wash my hands after.

- I think I'm just gonna use my imagi, oh.

- Zach's initially the slowest.

- He's still in there?

16 minutes?

- [Voiceover] 37 minutes in.

- I'm just worried.

- Well, I'm done.

That was a disaster.

I have some good news: I did it.

Bad news is that I missed.

- [Eugene] How much did you get in the cup?

- Not, not much.

- Where did the rest of it go?

- I'd rather not say, Eugene.

- Sperm and semen together are analyzed

in something called a semen analysis.

- We'll actually take the sample,

we'll put it in the machine, and it calibrates,

reads the semen, gives us a report.

- It's almost fully loaded, which is a choice term.

- A little nervous, because actually seeing it

in numbers on paper is gonna be really eye-opening.

- I'm not feeling very optimistic right now.

- I just hope that I'm okay.

I just hope that I'm normal.

- [Voiceover] Moment of truth.

(upbeat, jazzy music)

- The sperm like to be about two degrees colder

than the rest of the body.

The heat from a laptop is enough to cook those sperm.

So, anything that can get in the way

of sperm cooling is a bad thing.

- I've been wearing boxers all week,

just as preperation.

- [Jesse] Boxers are great.

- Exercise?

- [Jesse] Exercise is wonderful.

- I'm o-for-three on that.

- And stress is another big one.

There's a lot of toxins that are bad for sperm.

Alcohol, it's okay.

Anything in moderation is probably okay.

So, one of the biggest ways to make your sperm counts

go to zero, is taking supplemental testosterone.

Things that are pretty neutral,

caffeine, it makes them moto, right?

- Smoking.

- Smoking, it's a sign of stress on the sperm,

but it's not a dealbreaker.

- Weed.

- We don't really have a lot of data on pot.

- Perfect.

- I think that your sperm are really

a good bellwether for how the rest of your body is.

If you have abnormalities with your sperm,

then there's something else going wrong

in your life.

(dinging)

- Let's talk about the way one measures sperm.

- The quantitative part is how much volume,

or how much liquid comes out when a man ejaculates.

- Point four.

- Point four what?

- Millileters.

- That's not much.

- It's not.

- The highest volume of ejaculate: Ned.

Now, Eugene comes in a close scond.

- Well, he didn't win, so that's all that matters.

- The other quantitative thing is how many sperm

come out in that ejaculation.

This is how many million per milliliter.

Ned and Eugene both are in the 70 million.

3.4 was your volume, times 73.1,

gives you a total sperm count of 248.6 million.

Eugene, 237.6 million per ejaculate.

- We're still competing on a molecular level.

- Zach was at 37.9 million.

Keith is extremely high concentration at 128.1 million.

- What?

- That's why I don't need all that extra fluid.

- He's really only at about 60 million.

- Mistakes were made.

- Mistakes were definitely made.

- But, it takes one, right?

- I wonder what my boys look like.

- [Jesse] We just take out a dropper

and put it in the special slide, and we look at it

under a microscope.

- I bet Keith's sperm are really good at wiggling, like.

- Zach is gonna have the hairiest sperm.

- Eugene's has the kind of sperm

that, like, trips other sperm on the way to the egg.

- My only hope is that Ned has the strongest, fastest sperm.

- Woah, what, what?

Yeah!

- The qualitative aspects are the shape of the sperm,

which is what we call morphology.

- And there's your sperm.

- There they are, look at them!

Oh, look at them go, look at those little idiots.

- [Voiceover] That one has two tails right there.

- [Keith] Woah, you're a freak!

- Only 4% of them have to be considered morphologically

normal, which means you've got 96% of your sperm

are knuckleheads.

Look at those guys.

- [Eugene] Wow.

- So we'll focus in, they are doing a dance.

The other qualitative thing is how fast they're moving.

To get up to an egg, that sperm is running

the microscopic equivalent of running

from Los Angeles to San Francisco.

- Look at those little guys.

Oh, they look happy and healthy and fun.

- Can we all have kids?

- You guys are all armed and dangerous.

- Whatever helps destigmatize any sort of health-related

thing for a man is good.

If you can't produce, then what kind of man are you, right?

- That is a huge cross to bare.

No, you're no less of a man.

- What you do in real life is what makes you a man,

so, don't be afraid to check it out.

- And it's better to know sooner than later,

because some of these things are reversable.

- There's a lot of things that we don't even know

that we do daily, that effects out genitals.

And our future babies.

- Even if they're gonna have difficulty,

we're gonna find some way to get that couple pregnant.

- There are so many ways to start a family,

even if there is a problem.

All that said, my sperm are ready to have babies.

- [Keith] Oh, man, I would name that one Keith.

I would name this one, these two Keith.

- [Voiceover] Congratulations.

Can we check his balls?

- That was actually great, I had a great time.

- [Zach] It was a nightmare.

It was the worst masterbation of all time.