Over the last five days, there were two debates,

one Republican and one Democrat,

both taking place in Charleston, South Carolina.

I thought I should sit for this one.

See what I did there? It's a comfortable segue move.

No one noticed a thing.

So let's start with the GOP debate.

It took place last Thursday, and it was like

your average American divorce:

long, messy, and by the end, two people who had once

affectionately stood by each other

couldn't stand each other.

That's right, Trump and Cruz.

They were at each other's throats all night,

starting when Cruz attacked what he called "New York values."

Everyone understands that the values in New York City

are socially liberal or pro-abortion

or pro-gay marriage,

focus around money and the media.

Not a lot of conservatives come out of Manhattan.

-(laughter) -I'm just saying.

"I'm just saying."

Oh, Ted Cruz-- the truth is he's just upset

because New York chewed up and spit out his Broadway dreams.

Not all of us can be Elphaba, Ted.

(laughter, applause)

Yep. Some of us have to be flying monkeys.

(laughter)

So to get back at Cruz,

Trump made it personal.

When the World Trade Center came down,

I saw something that no place on Earth

could have handled more beautifully,

more humanely than New York.

-(applause, cheering) -You had two one hundred...

(laughter)

I have to say,

I've never been more impressed with Donald Trump.

Because not only is he making Ted Cruz look like a dick...

but because Trump brought up 9/11,

Ted Cruz has to stand there and applaud Trump while he does it.

That's like getting a guy to cheer for you

as you make love to his wife.

(laughter)

Excellent thrusting motion, Mr. Trump.

Can I get you a Gatorade?

You're putting in quite the workout.

But let's get to what the next president of the United States

had to say-- that's right, I'm talking about Dr. Ben Carson.

He was asked if Bill Clinton's past affairs are relevant

to this election, and he had this to say.

Here's the real issue--

is this America anymore?

Do we still have standards?

You go to the Internet, you start reading an article,

and you go to the comment section,

you cannot go five comments down

before people are calling each other all manner of names.

Where did that spirit come from in America?

Are you serious?

Half your opponents in this race

are just comment sections with a campaign staff.

How's Ben Carson gonna-- oh, unless...

Wait a minute, Ben Carson...

did you just only discover the Internet now?

(laughter)

(like Carson): And don't get me started

on what those two girls did to that poor cup.

(laughter)

(applause)

Ah...

So moving forward to last night.

We had the Democratic debates,

which, for a change, wasn't the boring,

well-educated sibling.

Bernie challenged Hillary on her Wall Street connections,

Hillary challenged Bernie on his health care plan,

and Martin O'Malley was challenged by the crossword book

that he brought to kill time waiting for someone

-(laughter) -to ask him a question.

Now, the Democratic debate was sponsored by YouTube,

which meant we had to watch

the first five seconds of T-Mobile ads

before we could skip to the questions.

Questions that were being asked by YouTube stars.

So, uh, YouTube, meet Bernie Sanders.

How would your presidency ensure the incidents

of police violence are investigated

and prosecuted fairly?

-LESTER HOLT: Senator Sanders. -I apologize for not hearing,

uh, all of that, uh, question.

HOLT: Would you like me to read it back to you?

(like Sanders): Wha... I'm...

I'm sorry, what did she say?

I'm sorry, I don't speak the YouTube.

And later on, the questions from YouTube only got harder.

HOLT: Here's another question from YouTube.

(screeching)

HOLT: Senator Sanders.

(laughter)

Oh... oh, how great would it be

if Bernie Sanders understood that question?

It was, like, "Yes, that goat gets it.

"There is too much money of Wall Street in politics!

That's right, feel the Baaa-ern...!

(laughter)

But you know what, that little moment aside,

this debate was really all about Bernie Sanders.

I mean, he's now neck and neck with Hillary in many polls,

and he got the most speaking time of the debate.

So naturally, Hillary went after his record really, really hard.

But I believe Bernie Sanders when he says he's not bound

to Wall Street banks, because there's something about him

that makes him look like he invests his money

in cereal boxes around his house.

(laughter)

But, like... but jokes aside,

Bernie was so in the zone last night.

He didn't even have to speak to get his points across.

He's criticized President Obama.

Senator Sanders called him weak, disappointing.

He even, in 2011...

That is some serious, vicious side-eye.

That's the look you give your roommate

when he tells you that he bought a second snake.

I didn't know you had a first snake.

You know, I really had so much fun

watching both of these debates.

But they were so close together. I mean, it was two debates

in four days. And it made me ask the question

why not just combine the debates?

And I... Look, I know that's not how it works

with the two parties here, but just think about it.

Think about it like an... like an all-star break.

Because the way it works now,

we may never get to see Trump versus Bernie

or Hillary versus Cruz

or Carson versus a lullaby.

I never stood a chance

against those tree tops.

And all that trash that everyone is talking,

they'd get to do it straight to each other's face.

This president allows lawlessness

throughout this country.

President Obama has led our country

out of the Great Recession.

My good friend Donald Trump,

beating him by 19 points in New Hampshire.

President Obama is not protecting American workers

and we are getting hammered.

And I'm gonna defend President Obama for taking on Wall Street,

taking on the financial industry and getting results.

Hillary Clinton is disqualified from being commander in chief

-of the United States. -CLINTON: That is not what I've heard.

Let me leave it at that.

You see? It's amazing. It's amazing.

But the best reason for combining the debates

would be because we could have watched Bernie Sanders

giving more side-eye.

Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton will say

it's those evil rich people. It's not the evil rich people,

it's the evil government.

I like everybody on the stage. No one's a socialist.

No one here is under FBI investigation.

And I know Bernie and I can promise you he's not

gonna be president of the United States.

Oh, I love it. I love it so much.

Bernie Sanders is the cutest old man ever.

It's like he's always being told that the cafeteria

is fresh out of pudding. He just has...