I'M JON STEWART.

WE HAVE A VERY, VERY GOOD SHOW TONIGHT.

MY GUEST TONIGHT, HOWARD SCHULTZ WILL BE HERE.

HE'S THE C.E.O. OF STARBUCKS.

ACTUALLY, HE'S JUST HERE TO USE OUR BATHROOM, BUT I'M MAKING HIM

BUY SOMETHING.

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE U.S.

WE BEAT GHANA 6-0.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[AUDIENCE CHANTING U-S-A!]

>> Jon: HOLD ON A SECOND.

I ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE SCORE WAS.

THEY'RE ACTUALLY, THEY'RE PLAYING RIGHT NOW.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE OPTIMISTIC.

BUT, LET'S START TONIGHT WITH OUR CONTINUING COVERAGE OF

MESS 'O POTAMIA.

AS YOU KNOW, WE WENT INTO IRAQ FOR ONE REASON AND FOR ONE

REASON ONLY.

>> THAT'S WHAT THIS FIGHT IS ABOUT IN THIS PART OF THE WORLD,

PLANTING THE SEEDS OF DEMOCRACY.

>> THAT SEED OF DEMOCRACY IN IRAQ.

>> Jon: IT WASN'T ABOUT WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION OR

9/11.

[LAUGHTER] ONCE THOSE REASONS WERE FOUND TO

BE UNSUPPORTED BY REALITY.

IT WAS ABOUT AMERICA.

IT WAS ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN ONE COUNTRY LOVES ANOTHER

COUNTRY VERY MUCH.

[LAUGHTER] AND THAT COUNTRY THEN DEPOSITS

HIS DEMOCRACY SEED, TYPICALLY LASER GUIDED, INTO ANOTHER

COUNTRY'S, LET'S SAY, FERTILE CRESCENT.

BY THE WAY, IF YOU THINK...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] IF YOU THINK THE SEEDING OF

DEMOCRACY METAPHOR IS SLIGHTLY MORE TORTURED THAN MANY OF THE

PEOPLE WE BROUGHT THAT DEMOCRACY TO, YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET.

>> THE SEEDS OF FREEDOM HAVE ONLY RECENTLY BEEN PLANTED IN

IRAQ, BUT DEMOCRACY, WHEN IT GROWS, IS NOT A FRAGILE FLOWER.

IT IS A HEALTHY, STURDY TREE.

[LAUGHTER] >> Jon: AND THAT TREE IS

FAMILY TREE.

IT'S FAMILY MAN, FOR NO MAN IS AN ISLAND, EXCEPT FOR

THE ISLE OF MAN.

WHERE IS THAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT? [BLEEPED] IT.

I'M GONNA GO PAINT A CAT.

ANYWAY, THE POINT IS THIS: WE SPREAD OUR SEED ALL OVER IRAQ

AND IT BLOOMED, BABY, UNTIL OLD JOHNNY O'BAMMY CAME IN,

AND NOW YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT'S GROWING THERE.

>> THE SEEDS OF 9/11 ARE BEING PLANTED ALL OVER IRAQ AND SYRIA.

>> Jon: YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED?

THEY DONE SWAPPED OUT OUR DEMOCRACY SEEDS WITH THE SEEDS

OF 9/11.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHY BURPEE'S EVEN SELLS THOSE 9/11

SEEDS. WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?

THAT'S LIKE, SEEMS LIKE A LAWSUIT WAITING TO HAPPEN.

[APPLAUSE] IT'S LIKE WHEN THEY STOCKED ALL

THOSE VENUS DOG TRAPS.

IT'S JUST STUPID.

[LAUGHTER] I'M GOING TO GO BEAGLE.

POINT IS ALL THAT GREAT STUFF WE DID AFTER OBVIOUSLY SOME OF THE

BAD STUFF WE DID IS TOTALLY UNDONE NOW BY THE ISLAMIC STATE

OF IRAQ AND SYRIA, WHO ARE CURRENTLY SOWING CHAOS SEEDS.

SO NOW WHAT DO WE DO?

WELL, IF YOU REMEMBER IN THE ORIGINAL RUSH TO WAR, I MEAN

DILIGENTLY PLANNED, INTERNATIONALLY SANCTIONED

FREEDOM RAVE, THERE WERE SOME INDIVIDUALS WHO WERE WRONG, UH,

ABOUT THE WHOLE [BLEEPED] THING, JUST WRONG, JUST DEAD WRONG,

LIKE ABOUT EVERYTHING, ALL OF THEM.

>> LET'S ACT NOW TO GET RID OF A TYRANT WHO HAS ABUSED AND

KILLED HIS OWN PEOPLE, WHO IS PROCURING WEAPONS

OF MASS DESTRUCTION, SUBSTANTIAL EVIDENCE TO THAT EFFECT.

>> THE CHOICE IS DISARMING HIM BY WAR OR LETTING HIM HAVE THESE

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.

>> YOU'RE DEALING WITH A COUNTRY THAT CAN REALLY FINANCE ITS OWN

RECONSTRUCTION AND RELATIVELY SOON.

>> THE BA'ATHISTS WHO USED THEIR POWER TO REPRESS THE IRAQI

PEOPLE WILL BE REMOVED FROM OFFICE.

>> Jon: BY THE WAY, YOU CAN HAVE ALL THESE MEMORABLE SCREWUPS AND

MORE, JUST CALL NOW AND ORDER, "NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL BEING

COMPLETELY BLEEP WRONG ABOUT IRAQ."

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] >> Jon: ANYHOW, SO, BUT

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED, YOU'LL APPRECIATE THIS.

I THINK YOU'LL APPRECIATE THIS, THOSE IDIOTS WERE OSTRACIZED,

NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN, BECAUSE OF HOW -- I'M KIDDING.

BECAUSE I THINK WE ALL KNOW FOUR WRONGS MAKE A RIGHT.

AND IN THIS CURRENT CRISIS, THE NEWS MEDIA HAS CRUSHED TO GET

THE BAND BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.

AND THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME ADVICE.

ON BASS... ICALLY WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING, BILL KRISTOL.

ON DRUM... MING UP SUPPORT FOR ENDLESS WAR, PAUL WOLFOWITZ.

ON GUITAR YOU KIDDING ME, HOW DOES THIS GUY KEEP GETTING

BOOKED ON TELEVISION, LINDSEY GRAHAM.

>> THIS STUBBORN-HEADED PRESIDENT WE HAVE WHO THINKS HE

KNOWS BETTER THAN EVERYBODY ELSE, WHO WITHDREW TROOPS.

STUBBORN-HEADED, DELUSIONAL, DETACHED PRESIDENT, BUT THAT'S

THE LAST BAD THING I'M GOING TO SAY.

[LAUGHTER] >> Jon: MY WICKED TONGUE.

[LAUGHTER] [SPEAKING WITH SOUTHERN ACCENT]:

I'M SO BAD... AT FOREIGN POLICY.

NOW POUR ME ANOTHER JULEP. LINDSEY FEELS A SONG.

>> Jon: BUT, LIKE ANY TERRIBLE BAND, THEY'RE NOTHING WITHOUT

THEIR LEAD SINGER, OLD JOHNNY ROTTEN.

JOHNNY ROTTEN JUDGMENT.

HIS ADVOCACY OF THE IRAQ WAR WAS LEGEND, HIS SOPHISTICATED

KNOWLEDGE OF THE REGION UNPARALLELED, IN THAT IT DID NOT

PARALLEL WITH ANYBODY WHO HAD KNOWLEDGE OF THE REGION.

>> THERE IS NOT A HISTORY OF CLASHES THAT ARE VIOLENT BETWEEN

SUNNIS AND SHIAS, SO I THINK THEY CAN PROBABLY GET ALONG.

>> Jon: NOW, THAT IS A TRUE STATEMENT IF YOU DON'T COUNT THE

LONG HISTORY OF VIOLENT CLASHES BETWEEN SUNNI AND SHIITE.

AND HE'S RIGHT, THROUGHOUT HISTORY THERE ARE LOTS OF

EXAMPLES OF SUNNIS AND SHIAS PEACEFULLY SHARING POWER LIKE

WE WERE GOING TO HAVE THEM DO IN IRAQ. LIKE, UM,

OKAY, HERE'S A GREAT ONE, BACK IN THE 50s, 950, YEAH, THE

ONLY TIME IT'S EVER HAPPENED IS OVER 1,000 YEARS AGO IN WHAT IS

NOW IRAN AND IRAQ.

THERE WAS A PRO-SHIITE WARLORD DYNASTY SHARING POWER WITH A

PRO-SUNNI CALIPH.

YEAH, IN 950.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY COULDN'T FIND THIS BOOK.

[LAUGHTER] AND, SINCE JOHN McCAIN WAS ONE

OF THE WRONGEST BEFORE AND DURING THE WAR, IT'S ONLY

FITTING THAT IN THIS CURRENT CRISIS HE WAS ON SO MANY SHOWS

YOU'D THINK HE JUST WON "DANCING WITH THE STARS."

[LAUGHTER] >> A DECISION WAS MADE BY THE

OBAMA ADMINISTRATION TO NOT HAVE A RESIDUAL FORCE IN IRAQ.

>> WE LEFT TROOPS BEHIND IN KOREA, IN GERMANY, IN JAPAN,

EVEN IN BOSNIA.

THEY ARE STABLIZING FORCE.

WE HAD THE CONFLICT WON.

WE HAD THAT WAR WON.

AND WE BLEW IT.

>> Jon: AND ALL WE WOULD HAVE DO MAINTAIN THE VICTORY IS STAY

THERE FOREVER.

IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU WIN AT A CASINO.

AND TO GET THE MONEY, YOU HAVE TO LIVE THERE.

WHY DID OBAMA SNATCH DEFEAT FROM THE JAWS OF VICTORY?

>> PRESIDENT BUSH SIGNED A TREATY AT THE END OF 2008 THE

STATUS OF FORCES AGREEMENT, WHICH SAID THAT ALL U.S. FORCES,

NOT JUST COMBAT FORCES, ALL U.S. FORCES, WILL BE OUT OF

IRAQ BY THE END OF 2011.

>> Jon: WHAT?

ONLY A SECRET MUSLIM KENYAN TERRORIST VEGAN IS SHREWD ENOUGH

TO ENSURE OUR DEFEAT BEFORE HE EVER TOOK OFFICE BY JEDI

MIND-TRICKING PATRIOT MAN.

ACTUALLY, FOR HIM YOU DON'T ACTUALLY NEED TO USE THE JEDI

MIND TRICK.

YOU JUST KIND OF WAVE YOUR HAND AND HE DOES WHATEVER...

ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR TO JOHN McCAIN, IT'S NOT LIKE

THIS IS JUST HIS IRAQ STRATEGY. HE IS CONSISTENT.

>> UKRAINE IS GOING TO NEED A LONG-TERM MILITARY ASSISTANCE

PROGRAM FROM THE UNITED STATES.

>> QUOTE, "IF THEY KNEW WHERE THEY WERE, I CERTAINLY WOULD

SEND IN U.S. TROOPS TO RESCUE THEM, IN A NEW YORK MINUTE I

WOULD."

>> APPROPRIATE USE OF AIR POWER.

AIR STRIKES ON ASSAD'S FORCE.

>> YOU KNOW THAT OLD BEACH BOY SONG "BOMB IRAN,"

BOMB-BOMB-BOMB, BOMB-BOMB IRAN.

ANYWAY...

>> Jon: HA! THE JOHN McCAIN MILITARY VICTORY PLAN FOR

AMERICA IS THE SAME AS THE JOHN MCCAIN MEDIA STRATEGY,

BE EVERYWHERE FOREVER.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.