GUYS DON'T MIND.

A SHOW OF HANDS.

HOW YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM.

OKAY, LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT A MAJORITY.

IT LOOKS LIKE WOMEN GO TO THE BATHROOM, TOO.

THAT'S DISAPPOINTING.

I ASK BECAUSE IF YOU FOLLOW THE NEWS, THERE ARE LAWS, LIKE DOWN

IN NORTH CAROLINA, WHICH ARE REGULATE CHICAGO BATHROOMS

TRANSGENDER PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO USE.

THIS IS HUGE NEWS.

EVEN THE CANDIDATES ARE TALKING ABOUT IT.

AND NOW A PROTEST GROUP HAS COLLECTED 750,000 PLEDGES TO

BOYCOTT THE STORE TARGET OVER THEIR POLICY OF WELCOMING

TRANSJERPD PEOPLE TO USE WHICHEVER BATHROOM

MATCHES THEIR IDENTITY.

IT IS HARD TO BELIEVE A COMPANY CALLED TARGET WOULD EVER FIND

ITSELF AT-- HOW DO I PUT THIS-- THE CENTER OF SOMETHING THAT

PEOPLE ARE AIMING AT.

IT'S LIKE THERE IS SOME KIND OF SIGN ON THEIR BACK, MAKING IT

EASIER TO SHOOT THEM.

WELL, HERE IS WHERE I STAND.

I KNOW YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE I STAND ON THIS.

HERE'S THE THING.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE MALE OR FEMALE, WHAT SEX OR GENDER

IDENTITY SOMEONE IS, I-- AND I MEAN THIS SINCERELY-- DO NOT

WANT TO SHARE A BATHROOM WITH ANYONE.

OKAY.

FOR TWO REASONS...

NUMBER ONE AND NUMBER TWO.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NO, I DON'T.

WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO HAVE ALL OF US IN THERE TOGETHER ANYWAY?

THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT MY BATHROOM AT HOME IS NOT A

TWO-SEATER.

AND WHEN I AM FORCED TO USE A PUBLIC BATHROOM-- WHICH IS

INFREQUENTLY, THANK GOD!

I GO IN THERE WITH BLINDERS ON.

I DON'T KNOW WHO'S NEXT TO ME.

IT COULD BE A CENTAUR FOR ALL I KNOW.

I DON'T EVEN LIKE TO LOOK MYSELF IN THE MIRROR.

I KNOW WHAT I DID.

I AM THERE FOR A SURGICAL STRIKE.

GET IN, GET OUT, WITH MINIMAL CASUALTIES.

SO IF THERE ARE GOING TO BE ANY NEW BATHROOM LAWS, HERE ARE SOME

THAT WE ACTUALLY NEED.

FIRST OFF, NO CHITCHAT.

I AM NOT THERE TO MAKE FRIENDS.

IF WE HAVE JUST COME OUT OF A MOVIE, AND YOU ARE STANDING NEXT

TO ME, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HOW IRREPLACEABLE

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. IS AS IRON MAN.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE ROBERT DOWNEY JR. YOURSELF.

SECOND, IF YOU'RE A FAN OF MINE, THAT'S WONDERFUL.

PLEASE DO NOT TRY TO SHAKE MY HAND IN THERE BECAUSE I KNOW

WHAT YOU JUST SHOOK.

ALSO, IF THERE ARE A BUNCH OF OPEN STALLS, DON'T TAKE THE ONE

NEXT TO ME.

IT'S NOT THE BUDDY SYSTEM!

THOSE ARE JUST A FEW SUGGESTIONS.

AND TO ALL THOSE LAWMAKERS WHO ARE SO OBSESSED WITH WHO IS

USING WHAT BATHROOM AND WHAT PLUMBING THEY'VE GOT DOWNTOWN,

NEWS FLASH-- YOU'RE THE WEIRDOES.