you have to admit Barack Obama is the coolest president ever.

He really is.

-(cheering, applause) -He plays basketball.

He tells jokes.

You know, he smokes.

It's like if the president were black.

It's just something special. But now he's leaving,

and it looks like choosing his replacement

is a lot harder than anyone expected.

Because 2016 was Hillary's presidency to lose,

and it looks like that's exactly what she's doing.

NEWSWOMAN: For the first time ever,

Donald Trump takes the lead over Hillary Clinton

in the national polling average.

It's close, though-- 43.4% to 43.2%.

How the (bleep) did we get here?!

(laughter)

How?! The only time anyone should be struggling

to choose between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump

is if they're picking a Halloween costume, people.

-(laughter) -But president?

Pre... Are you s... America, are you serious right now?

How are you stuck with two choices?

This is the same country with 17 different types of Corn Flakes!

(laughter)

There's four different shows about tiny houses!

You've got, like, six Kardashians

when you only need one!

And you've got just two presidential can...

I don't understand. Like, before this election started,

Hillary Clinton was one of the most popular public officials

in the country.

Now she's losing to an overcooked sweet potato.

-(laughter) -How the hell did this happen?

And you know what? It doesn't help

that every few months we hear something like this.

U.S. State Department Inspector General reported today

that Hillary Clinton did not follow department guidelines

when she used a personal e-mail account

and private e-mail server as Secretary of State.

NEWSWOMAN: She violated the Federal Records Act

by not turning over all official e-mails

before she left office.

NEWSWOMAN: When two I.T. staffers voiced concerns

about her e-mail practices and security,

they were told, quote...

Why, Hillary...?

Why...?

So basically, Hillary had a personal e-mail server--

against the rules-- lied about being allowed to use it,

and then, when someone brought it up,

they were told to never speak of it again.

Sounds less like a bureaucratic cover-up

and more like a scene in Game of Thrones.

That's what that sounds like.

(high-pitched): Lord Baelish, is it true that the queen

has been using a private server?

(lower-pitched): Never speak of the queen's

personal e-mail system again.

(higher-pitched): Of course, my lord.

And pray do tell, what is e-mail?

-(laughter) -(lower-pitched): I don't know.

We're deviating from the books now.

We're deviating. Things are changing.

(applause)

Now...

now, the I.G. report on Hillary's e-mail is complicated.

83 pages of what policy rules were violated

and when did e-mails get stolen, or did they get stolen,

or were they deleted, and-and thankfully, thankfully,

one expert has summarized everything for us.

She's as crooked as they come.

She had a little bad news today, as you know, from...

Some reports came down, weren't so good.

But... Not so good.

The inspector general's report-- not good.

Hey, uh, Donald, you can use full sentences, you know?

It's a speech, not Twitter. You can, uh...

You know the one nice thing about Donald Trump

is that when Trump takes the country back to the Stone Age

he's gonna be able to effectively communicate.

It's already suiting his style. "Union, stay... Strong.

"Strong. Stay. Union.

Strong, mmm."

It's just...

it's so insane right now.

Hillary's image has gotten so bad

that now voters can't even think of nice things to say about her.

I want a word or phrase to describe Hillary Clinton.

-Corrupt. -Uh, liar.

-Deceiver. -Opportunist.

She just... You can turn off the sound

and still see on her face that she was lying.

She was the worst liar, I think, I've ever seen in my life.

She lied about lying.

How many of you have a positive impression

of Hillary Clinton? Raise your hands.

None of you.

Damn.

Is it really that bad, people?

Right now, people are looking at presidential candidates

the same way they look at public bathrooms.

Oh, no, not that one. Mm... Not that...

Oh, I-I guess, oh, but no hands.

(moaning)

You know, this stage of the campaign makes you wonder

if there's anything Hillary can do

to get people to like her again.

And for more on this, we turn to senior Clinton campaign analyst

-Michelle Wolf, everybody. -(cheering, applause)

Now...

Michelle, obviously, this is not great news for Hillary Clinton.

I mean, what should she do about the latest controversy?

Well, listen, Hillary, the jig is up--

no one likes you. But you can make that work.

You just have to embrace your unlikability.

Holder it closer than the leash you keep Bill on.

You... She keeps him on a leash.

He needs to be on a leash.

But you're not running to be everybody's friend.

You're running to be the boss

and no one likes their boss.

Well, I mean, some people like their bosses.

No.

No one likes their boss.

Not even at all.

Not even a teeny tiny bit.

My boss speaks weird.

He says things like contra-versy.

It's controversy.

You're... sound like you're narrating

an old children's schoolbook.

And how many dimples do you need?

I onl... I only have two dimples,

-and they're not my fault. -Yes, they are.

You need to strengthen your cheek muscles.

It's a deformity.

Okay, let's-let's move on. What about Hillary?

Hillary just needs to be herself.

Remember this picture?

That's who we need to run the world.

A no-nonsense, indoor sunglass-wearing,

on her phone-playing boss lady

who eats enemies and (bleep) policy.

(cheering, applause)

Now, people always complain that Hillary doesn't seem like

a candidate you could get a beer with.

Maybe she doesn't want to get a beer with you.

Or whatever weird spritzer she drinks.

If you saw a woman alone in a bar wearing sunglasses

like Hillary Clinton wears, you'd say,

"Oh, she looks like a Terminator."

I'll leave that one alone.

And that's what America needs in a boss.

You don't need to be liked to be effective.

Look at Bill Belichick.

-The-the Patriots' coach. -Yes, of real football.

He has...

he has four Super Bowl rings,

and did it without a kind or honest bone in his body.

I'm not even sure he has bones.

He looks like if a burp were a person.

He's mean, he's underhanded,

he looks like he fishes his shirt out of a swamp

behind a Goodwill.

But he wins. And that's your role model, Hillary.

Be the Belichick this country needs.

Yeah, but-but Michelle, don't Americans deserve

a leader that they like?

No. Hillary is braces. They're awkward, painful,

you don't want to be seen with them, but they get the job done.

What is this contra-versy even about?

E-mails, a server.

We're all walking around here

pretending like we know what a server is.

Uh, yeah, I could definitely point it out in this room.

The only question we should ask about her e-mails

is did they get where they were supposed to go?

Yes? Well then, shut the (bleep) up.

(cheering, applause)

Oh, no. Oh, no...

She has a shrill voice. It hurts my man head.

Look, take it from someone else who has a shrill voice,

maybe it's not her problem.

Maybe you just need to fix your bitch-ass ears.

(cheering, applause)

Well... I would just like to say, for the record,

I think you have a lovely voice.

No, you don't, you lady-faced liar.

I hate my boss.

The point is no one likes their boss.

And Hillary, we need you to be our boss.

We don't want you to be, but we need you to be.

Because if you aren't, in a couple of years,

we're gonna be eating grilled squirrel

from a hole in the ground with our children asking,

"But why do we have to live like this, Mommy?"

And we'll have to respond,

"We didn't vote for the smart lady

because of some e-mails she sent from a different server."

And then the child will say, "Well, what's a server?"

And we'll have to say, "I don't know, Kevin,

I never (bleep) knew. Now shut up

and eat your squirrel before King Trump comes back." Trevor!