( APPLAUSE )

BUT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S

SPRING, THE FIRST FULL DAY OF

SPRING, AND MARTHA STEWART HAS

ALREADY GOT AN ANKLE BRACELET

TAN LINE.

( APPLAUSE )

VERY NICE.

YOU KNOW MARTHA STEWART IS

UNDER HOUSE ARREST.

AND THERE'S A 24-HOUR

SURVEILLANCE TEAM MONITORING

MARTHA'S WHERE ABOUTS.

NOTHING YET ON AL QAEDA.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

BUT WE GOT MARTHA RIGHT WHERE

WE WANT HER.

HOW MANY OF YOU FOLKS HEARD

THE CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS ON

STEROIDS?

ONE CONGRESSMAN SAID THAT

BASEBALL CANNOT BE TRUSTED,

AND I WAS THINKING, WELL, NO,

NOT LIKE YOU CAN TRUST

CONGRESS.

( APPLAUSE )

OF COURSE NOT.

WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

IT'S MARCH MADNESS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

AND LOTS OF UPSETS.

ROBERT BLAKE NOW ADVANCES TO

FACE THE SCOTT PETERSON JURY.

( APPLAUSE )

SEE HOW THAT GOES.

( LAUGHTER )

THE L.A. JURY POOL IS BUSY,

NOW IT'S ON TO ACQUITTING PHIL

SPECTER.

AND CBS IS, THIS IS EXCITING

NEWS, CUBA IS ALREADY PLANNING

A NEW REALITY SHOW.

WHO WANTS TO MARRY ROBBER

BLAKE?

PAUL, PABLO, SHAFFER!

( APPLAUSE )

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME

TO THE PROGRAM.

BEFORE WE START I JUST WANT TO

MENTION A COUPLE OF THINGS.

THIS WON'T TAKE TOO LONG.

LAST WEEK MY FAMILY AND I WERE

INVOLVED IN A LITTLE LEGAL

ACTIVITY.

AND FORTUNATELY EVERYTHING

TURNED OUT FINE, BUT I WANT TO

JUST TAKE A SECOND HERE TO

THANK SOME PEOPLE.

( APPLAUSE )

THE LEGAL INVESTIGATION,

CRIMINAL ACTIVITY, I WANT TO

THANK F.B.I. SPECIAL AGENT JIM

WILSON, F.B.I. SPECIAL AGENT

AARON VAN HOFF, TEE ON THE

COUNTY SHERIFF ANDERSON,

ATTORNEY JOE KOBEL AND THE

GREAT PEOPLE OF CHOTEAO,

MONTANA, THEY HAVE ALWAYS MADE

ME AND MY FAMILY ENTIRELY

WELCOME AND AS THOUGH IT WERE

HOME AND THAT'S HOW WE THINK

OF IT.

AND THERE WE GO.

( APPLAUSE )

LET ME TELL YOU WHO'S ON THE

PROGRAM TONIGHT, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

OH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT?

THE LOVELY SANDRA BULLOCK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

SHE HASN'T BEEN HERE IN A

WHILE.

SHE IS IN A NEW MOTION PICTURE

CALLED MISS CONGENIALITY 2,

ARMED AND FABULOUS.

>> Paul: YES SHE IS

( APPLAUSE )

>> Dave: IT OPENS THURSDAY.

AND OH MY GOD TONIGHT, LADY

AND JAED, ANOTHER WAY TO

DESCRIBE TONIGHT'S SHOW, BABE

CITY.

AM I RIGHT?

GWEN STEFANI.

>> Paul: YES INDEED.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

WHAT A SONG.

THERE IT IS.

>> Dave: THAT'S THE BIG SHOW

FOR TONIGHT.

AND BECAUSE IT IS MARCH

MADNESS, IRWANT TO JUST TELL

YOU ONE THING.

I HAVE SO MUCH TO TELL BUT

WHAT HAPPENED LAST WEEK, BUT I

CAN'T.

>> Paul: YOU CAN'T.

>> Dave: JUST TAKE IT FROM ME,

AND GOD FORBID, I DON'T WANT

TO ELABORATE ON THIS, BECAUSE

WE NEED KNOW PEOPLE IN THIS

WORLD HAVE MUCH MUCH MUCH

WORSE DIFFICULTY THAN I EVER

WILL IN MY LIFE, THANK GOD.

BUT THIS STUFF IS FASCINATING.

THESE F.B.I. GUYS, THEY KNOW

EXACTLY WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

>> Paul: THEY DO, EH?

>> Dave: YEAH.

>> Paul: GOOD TO HEAR IT.

( APPLAUSE )

>> Dave: AND THE TETON COUNTY

SHERIFF, WHAT A GUY THIS IS,

TREMENDOUS.

THIS IS LIKE THE REAL DEAL.

AND YOU NEVER SEE WHAT THESE

PEOPLE DO BECAUSE THEY'RE

ALWAYS, YOU KNOW, HIDING AND

SPEAKING AROUND.

THEY'RE UNDERCOVER, OR EATING

DONUTS, THAT'S WHAT WE THINK.

THAT'S WHAT WE THINK.

BUT WHEN YOU SEE WHAT THEY

ACTUALLY DO, IT'S TREMENDOUS.

AND THEY'RE COMPLETELY SERIOUS

AND DEADLY EARNEST, AND YOU

DON'T WANT TO CROSS THEM,

DON'T EVEN POKE 'EM.

>> Paul: NO. DON'T DO THAT,

NO.

THANK GOD EVERYTHING WORKED

OUT OKAY.

>> Dave: EVERYTHING IS FINE

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ANYWAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

BECAUSE IT'S MARCH MADNESS, WE

HAVE A TRADITION, AND WHEN I

SAY TRADITION I MEAN THAT WE

DID IT ONCE ABOUT FIVE YEARS

AGO.

IT'S PAT FARMER AND HE'S UP

THERE ON THE ROOF OF THE ED

SULLIVAN THEATER BUILDING,

TURN ON THE THING.

HI, PAT, HOW ARE YOU, NICE TO

SEE YOU.

( APPLAUSE )

PAT FARMER, OUR STAGE HAND,

PAT FARMER, AND WHAT IT IS,

YOU'RE GOING TO DROP THE BALL

INTO THE BASKETBALL NET DOWN

THERE ON 53rd, STREEL, I ABOUT

60, 70 FEET.

>> ABOUT 90, DAVE.

>> Dave: FOUR OR FIVE YEARS

AGO YOU ACTUALLY DID, I

BELIEVE WE HAVE THE VIDEOTAPE

OF YOU MAKING THAT SHOT

SUCCESSFULLY, AND I THINK IT

WAS YOUR SECOND TRY.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Dave: THIS IS IN I THINK

2001, SOMETHING LIKE. THAT IN

HONOR OF MARCH MADNESS, THERE

IT GOES, I GOOD.

AND AS I RECALL, YOU WERE

INDUCTED INTO THE BASKETBALL

HALL OF FAME BECAUSE OF THAT

SHOT, IS THAT CORRECT?

>> THAT'S RIGHT, DAVE.

>> Dave: YOU ATTENDED THE

BASKETBALL INDUCTION

CEREMONIES AND IF PEOPLE GO UP

THERE, WHERE IS IT LOCATED BY

THE WAY?

>> SPRINGFIELD, MASS.

>> Dave: THEY WILL SEE THE PAT

FARMER EXHIBIT, CORRECT?

>> PRETTY AMAZING.

>> Dave: WE THOUGHT AGAINST

OUR BETTER JUDGMENT THAT WE

WOULD TRY IT AGAIN TONIGHT,

AND THERE'S NO CHANCE YOU'LL

MAKE IT TONIGHT, THERE'S?

>> NO.

>> Dave: IS IT JUST ME, OR IS

PAT LOOKING MORE AND MORE LIKE

CLINT EASTWOOD.

( APPLAUSE )

ALL RIGHT, PAT, LET ME RUN

THIS DOWN FOR YOU.

TEMPERATURE OUT THERE, A

COMFORTABLE 48 DEGREES,

HUMIDITY 58%.

BAR METRIC PRESSURE STEADY,

WIND FROM THE NORTHWEST AT 8

MILES PER HOUR, VISIBILITY

VIRT WELL UNLIMITED.

SUNRISE CAME UP AT 5:48 THIS

MORNING, SUBJECT SET 6:09,

HIGH TIDE 5:51, LOW TIDE 7:42,

MOON NEARLY FULL, SO THERE YOU

GO, THERE ARE YOUR WEATHER

CONDITIONS.

YOU WANT TO TAKE A SHOT NOW

PAT?

>> SURE.

>> Dave: HERE WE GO, 90 FEET,

PAT FARMER TRYING TO DUPLICATE

SOMETHING ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE.

THERE IT IS, THERE'S SHOT

NUMBER ONE.

WOW, RIGHT THROUGH?

CONGRATULATIONS.

>> Paul: REALLY, DID HE MAKE

IT?

>> Dave: NO, NO.

ALL RIGHT, TRY IT AGAIN, PAT.

SO ALREADY WE'RE INTO NEW

TERRITORY, BECAUSE LAST YEAR

BY NOW YOU WERE PACKING AND

YOU DRIVING HOME.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Dave: I THINK YOU'RE TRYING

TOO HARD.

>> I'LL TRY TO CUT DOWN ON

THAT.

>> Dave: TAKE SOME DEEP

BREATHS NOW, COUPLE OF DEEP

KNEE BENDS, LOOSEN UP.

OKAY, GIVE IT A SHOT.

PAT FARMER, LADY AND GENTLEMEN,

OUR SALUTE TO MARCH MADNESS.

HE SHOOTS... OH!

WE'RE GOING TO GIVE YOU A

COUPLE OF SECOND TO CATCH YOUR

BREATH AND GET SOME GATORADE

AND RELAX, AND WE'LL BE RIGHT

BACK.

THIS IS VER

FARMER.

WE'RE NOT DONE, IF YOU THINK

WE'RE DONE YOU'RE NUTS.

SO, I ASKED ONE OF THESE

F.B.I. GUYS...

( LAUGHTER )

SEE, I'M NOTHING IF NOT

CURIOUS, I GOT A MILLION

QUESTIONS, AND I SAY WHAT ARE

YOU, YOU KNOW RUBBER HOSE A

GUY LIKE THIS?

>> Paul: YOU SAID THAT?

>> Dave: YES, BECAUSE I WANT

TO KNOW ABOUT INTERROGATION

TECHNIQUES, BECAUSE WE HAVE

STAFF PROBLEMS HERE.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Paul: I TRY MY BEST.

>> Dave: NO, I'M NOT POINTING

FINGERS.

I THOUGHT WELL MAYBE I CAN

PICK UP SOME TIPS FROM THE

F.B.I., AND I HOPE I'M NOT

REVEALING SECRETS, BUT HE SAYS

YOU KNOW WHAT WE DO, WE TRY

AND WAKE THEM UP, AND WE FEED

THEM BALONEY SANDWICHES.

>> Paul: AND THAT BRINGS OUT

LPDS THAT GETS A CONFESSION?

>> Dave: VERY EFFECTIVE.

SOMETHING ABOUT THE SODIUM IN

THE BALONEY.

>> Paul: I SEE.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Dave: BOY, THEY HAD THE BIG

BASEBALL STEROID HEARINGS IN

WASHINGTON, OUR NATION'S

CAPITAL.

DID YOU SEE THIS?

OH, MY GOD, IT COULDN'T HAVE

GONE WORSE, TROUBLE REALLY

BROKE OUT, IT WAS LIKE THE

SECOND DAY OF THE HEARINGS.

WATCH WHAT HAPPENED.

>> IF HE DOESN'T CLEAN UP ITS

OWN ACT, ARE YOU IN FAVOR OF

FEDERAL LEGISLATION?

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

>> Dave: YOU SEE THAT?

>> Paul: I MISSED THAT.

>> Dave: HEY FRGS PAT, ARE YOU

STILL OUT THERE?

WANT TO TRY IT AGAIN?

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING

WRONG?

>> I THINK THE PROBLEM IS THE