2004年大衛-萊特曼晚間秀 (Late Show w/ David Letterman 2004)

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( HEARTBEAT SOUNDS )
BY THE WAY, DR. PHIL IS ON THE
PROGRAM TONIGHT, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
( Applause )
AND I OWE DR. PHIL A GREAT DEAL
OF CREDIT.
THANKS TO DR. PHIL, I AM NO
LONGER A SEX ADDICT.
♪
♪
>> Dave: WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE FOR
YOU FOLKS.
DA DA DDA.
>> Paul: MR. LETTERMAN.
>> Dave: DR. PHIL IS ON THE
PROGRAM, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
( Applause )
THIS IS DR. PHIL'S NEW BOOK.
IT'S ALL ABOUT FAMILY FIRST.
AND I COULD USE SOME TIME WITH
DR. PHIL BECAUSE I HAVE A FAMILY
NOW, AND LAST THING IN THE WORLD
THAT I WANT TO DO IS FOR MY SON
TO BECOME A BRAT.
>> Paul: REALLY.
>> Dave: IF YOU LOOK AROUND, AND
SOMETIMES YOUR FAMILY AND
FRIENDS MIGHT NOTICE THIS AS
WELL, KIDS ARE BRATS.
HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE CHILDREN
THAT ARE BRATS?
( Applause )
WELL, IT SCARES ME SILLY BECAUSE
I DON'T WANT... I WAS THE BRAT
IN MY FAMILY.
>> Paul: OH.
>> Dave: THAT'S ENOUGH.
I'M STILL THE BRAT IN MY FAMILY.
YOU GET DR. PHIL OUT HERE, AND
MY FEELING, MY HUNCH ON THIS IS
HOW TO KEEP YOUR KIDS FROM EARLY
PRISON THAT WILL KEEP THEM FROM
BEING BRATS.
>> Paul: MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO
ME.
>> Dave: WHATEVER THE LAW
DICTATES.
>> Paul: I SEE.
>> Dave: AND THIS IS FROM...
THIS IS ALL ABOUT HOW TO MAKE
YOUR FAMILY A GOOD FAMILIAR LAY,
AND HOW YOUR FAMILY CAN HAVE ITS
OWN TV SHOW.
DR. PHIL.
( Applause )
AND ALSO FROM THE NEW CSI SHOW
CALLED CSI: NEW YORK, CRIME
SCENE INVESTIGATORS NEW YORK,
GARY SINISE IS HERE ON THE
PROGRAM.
THE STAR OF THAT SHOW.
>> Paul: GREAT ACTOR.
( Applause )
>> Dave: AND IF ANYTHING GOES
HAYWIRE, AND WHEN HAVE YOU A BIG
SHOW LIKE WE HAVE HERE TONIGHT,
YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE
PRECAUTIONS.
THE BELT AND SUSPENDER SYSTEM.
>> Paul: SURE.
>> Dave: YOU HAVE TO HAVE
BACKUPS.
IF ANYTHING GOES HAYWIRE TONIGHT
WE HAVE STANDING BY, A GUY WHO
LOOKS A LOT LIKE DR. PHIL.
IT'S NOT DR. PHIL.
IT'S A GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE
DR. PHIL.
COULD WE HAVE A SHOT OF HIM?
WHERE IS HE?
RIGHT THERE.
>> Paul: COME ON.
>> Dave: IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG.
( Applause )
>> Dave: HE KIND OF LOOKS LIKE
DR. PHIL.
>> Paul: INTO THE TOO MUCH.
>> Dave: FIRST SIGN OF TROUBLE,
WE BRING HIM IN.
THIS IS NORMAL PROCEDURE FOR US,
WE HAVE A GUY STANDING BY THAT
LOOKS LIKE ME.
( Applause )
BOY, I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THESE PEOPLE AT CBS NEWS WITH
THE PHONY MEMOS.
HAVE YOU BEEN FOLLOWING THIS?
AND DAN RATHER AND GEORGE BUSH
NATIONAL GUARD SERVICE?
I WOULDN'T GIVE THEIR TROUBLES
TO A MONKEY ON A ROCK.
>> Paul: A MONKEY ON A ROCK?
>> Dave: ARE YOU LIKE ME?
>> Paul: I KNOW.
I LIKE YOU.
>> Dave: THANK YOU.
IT'S CRAZY AND NOW AS ALWAYS
THEY'RE TRYING TO TAKE SOMETHING
NEGATIVE LIL'... THAT'S WHAT YOU
DO IN SHOW BUSINESS, TAKE
SOMETHING NEGATIVE AND TURN IT
INTO SOMETHING POSITIVE.
WATCH THIS PROMOTION FOR CBS
NEWS.
WATCH THIS.
>> Announcer: TONIGHT IN A CBS
NEWS EXCLUSIVE, WE UNCOVER
SHOCKING EVIDENCE OF AL QAEDA'S
PLOT TO INVADE MANHATTAN WITH
GIANT FLYING ROBOTS.
THAT'S TONIGHT ONLY ON THE "CBS
EVENING NEWS."
>> Dave: THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE
SOMETHING POSITIVE OUT OF IT.
>> Paul: I SEE WHAT THEY'RE
TRYING TO DO.
THAT'S WHAT WE DO IN SHOW
BUSINESS.
>> Dave: THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
>> Paul: TAKE A PILE OF [no
audio] AND WE TRY TO... PUT A
POSITIVE SPIN ON IT.
>> Dave: YOU NEED TO SPEND
( Applause )
>> Dave: I WAS... I HAD A
THOUGHT OVER THE WEEKEND ABOUT
HOW LIFE CAN BE SO UNFAIR.
>> Paul: WHY?
>> Dave: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
HAPPENS.
OPRAH WINFREY, MOST POWERFUL
WOMAN IN THE WORLD, MAYBE THE
MOST POWERFUL PERSON IN THE
WORLD, HAS AN ENORMOUSLY POPULAR
TELEVISION PROGRAM.
SHE HAS LIKE TEN NEW SHOWS A
YEAR.
PAUL AND I, WE DO CLOSE TO 300
NEW SHOWS A YEAR.
OPRAH IS MAKING A BILLION
DOLLARS.
>> Paul: YOU'RE SAYING SHE DOES
TEN NEW EPISODES A YEAR.
>> Dave: EVERY TIME YOU TUNE IN
TO OPRAH, IT IS GOING TO BE AI
RERUN.
>> Paul: USUALLY IS.
>> Dave: PEOPLE CAN'T GET ENOUGH
OF HER, THEY WORSHIP HER.
HERE'S HOW IT IS NOT FAIR.
YOU AND I ARE FIGHTING IN HERE
EVERY NIGHT, DOING EVERYTHING WE
CAN AND NOTHING.
>> Paul: NOSE AGAINST THE
GRINDSTONE.
>> Dave: OPRAH WHO DOESN'T NEED
TO DO ANYTHING, HER FIRST SHOW,
WHAT DOES SHE DO?
SHE GIVES AWAY CARS.
( Applause )
AND SHE DOES IT SO PEOPLE WILL
GET THEIR MIND OFF THE FACT THAT
SHE IS HARDLY EVER ON THE AIR.
( Laughter )
HERE'S A NEW CAR.
I'LL SEE YOU IN A YEAR.
AND FOR A YEAR, ALL ANYBODY CAN
TALK ABOUT IS DID YOU GET YOUR
FREE CAR FROM OPRAH?
YES, I DID.
WHAT COLOR IS YOURS?
BLUE.
MINE'S GREEN.
>> Paul: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Dave: WE FIND OUT NOW SHE
RECENTLY PURCHASED TUNE-UP
MASTERS.
DID YOU KNOW THAT?
>> Paul: NOW THAT....
>> Dave: OPRAH OWNS TUNE-UP
MASTERS.
>> Paul: THAT'S HOW SHE'S
WORKING THE SCAM.
>> Dave: ANY TIME HAVE YOU
TROUBLE WITH TUNE-UP MASTER, YOU
HAVE TO BRING IT INTO TUNE-UP
MASTERS.
>> Paul: SHE OWNS IT!
>> Dave: WHOLE THING STINKS.
( Applause )
>> Dave: I THOUGHT WE OUGHT TO
DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
NOW, YOU KNOW....
( Applause )
>> Dave: I'LL BE HONEST... OKAY.
I'M GLAD YOU....
( Applause )
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I'M BLAD YOU LIKE THE IDEA.
SO HERE'S WHAT WE ARE GOING TO
DO.
( Laughter and Applause )
YOU SEE WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?
EVERYBODY IN THE AUDIENCE
TONIGHT GETS AN AUTOMOBILE AIR
FRESHENER.
( Cheers and Applause )
♪ ♪♪
( BAND PLAYING "SHE'S FRESH").
>> Dave: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH DR. PHIL EVERYBODY.
WELCOME BACK TO THE PROGRAM.
>> HOW.
>> Dave: PRETTY GOOD.
>> YEAH?
WE'LL SEE.
( Laughter )
>> Dave: PRETTY GOOD.
>> I'M CHECKING YOU OUT FROM THE
MINUTE I GET HERE.
>> Dave: CONGRATULATIONS ON THE
BIG CBS PRIME TIME SPECIAL.
IS IT TWO HOURS?
>> TWO HOURS, YEAH.
>> Dave: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO
DO FOR TWO HOURS?
>> I HAVE NO IDEA.
NO, ACTUALLY, WE ARE GOING TO
TALK ABOUT FAMILY AND PARENTING
AND JUST ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE
IMPORTANT.
>> Dave: NOW THEY'RE RUNNING A
PROMOTION FOR THE BIG SHOW.
IT'S YOU TALKING TO SOMEBODY,
SAYING LADY, THERE ARE 14
CHARACTERISTICINGS OF A SERIAL
KILLER.
YOUR SON HAS NINE OF THEM.
YEAH, WHAT IS GOING ON THERE,
FOR GOD'S SAKES?
>> JEFFREY DAHMER HAD SEVEN, YOU
HAVE 12.
( Laughter )
DID YOU NOT SEE THE REST OF
THAT?
>> Dave: NO.
>> WE'VE GOT YOUR PICTURE AND
EVERYTHING THERE.
IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME.
>> Dave: WERE YOU BEING HONEST
WITH THE WOMAN OR BEING
HYPERBOLIC TO MAKE A POINT?
>> NO, IT'S TRUE.
THERE ARE CLASSIC SYMPTOM,
CHARACTERISTICS, TRAITS AND SOME
KIDS HAVE THEM AND THEIR PARENTS
JUST DON'T RECOGNIZE THOSE
THINGS.
>> Dave: IF THE KIDS HAVE THEM,
THERE IS ANYTHING THAT CAN BE
DONE?
>> WELL, SURE, YEAH.
>> Dave: IF THEY'RE DISREGARDED,
THEY BECOME SERIAL KILLERS?
>> THEY CAN BE.
NOT EVERYBODY THAT HAS THOSE
BECOME SERIAL KILLERS, BUT ALL
SERIAL KILLERS HAVE THOSE.
>> Dave: I SEE.
>> YOU SHOULD BE INTERESTED.
>> Dave: I AM INTERESTED AND I'M
SERIOUS ABOUT THIS.
THE LAST THING... I HAVE A
BEAUTIFUL TEN-MONTH-OLD BABY
BOY.
THE LAST THING I WANT IS FOR HIM
TO GROW UP TO BE A BRAT, LET
ALONE A SERIAL KILLER.
>> THE MOST POWERFUL ROLE MODEL
IN ANY CHILD'S LIFE IS THE SAME
SEXED PARENT.
( Laughter )
( Applause )
SO WHAT ELSE ARE YOU WORRIED
ABOUT?
NO....
>> Dave: I KNOW THAT.
THAT'S WHAT I'M AFRAID OF
BECAUSE HERE'S WHAT I THINK.
AT A VERY EARLY AGE, YOU HAVE TO
TEACH THEM THAT THEY DON'T GET
EVERYTHING THEY WANT.
YOU HAVE TO TEACH THEM THE
MEANING OF NO AND THAT THEY'RE
NOT GOING TO BE RUNNING AROUND
CRAZY AND THEY'RE NOT GOING TO
BE... I KNOW KIDS WHO ALL THEY
EAT FOR DINNER IS YOO WHO.
THAT'S ALL THE KIDS EAT.
AND THEY'RE RUNNING AROUND.
>> WHAT THE HELL ITSELF YOOHOO?
( Laughter )
WE DON'T TALK ABOUT....
>> Dave: AND I'M THE CRAZY ONE.
>> WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT IN
DAYTIME.
( Applause )
>> Dave: NO, IT'S LIKE CHOCOLATE
MILK.
>> SO,, OKAY.
>> Dave: HOW EARLY AND HOW DO I
START TEACHING CHILD....
>> I'M GLAD YOU ASKED THAT
BECAUSE I'VE ACTUALLY WRITTEN
THE BOOK THAT WERE YOU KIND
ENOUGH TO HOLD UP.
>> Dave: FAMILY FIRST.
>> AND KNOWING YOU AS I DO, AND
KNOWING THAT YOU'VE GOT A SON,
THERE ARE SOME PASSAGES IN THAT
BOOK, I PICKED OUT SOME FOR YOU,
THAT ARE JUST THE ONES THAT ARE
ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL.
>> Dave: HAVE YOU THE BOOK HERE?
>> I DO HAVE THE BOOK HERE.
>> Dave: THAT'S VERY THOUGHTFUL.
>> THESE ARE JUST THE ONES THAT,
IF YOU WANT HIM TO HAVE EVEN A
FIGHTING CHANCE, EVEN A FIGHTING
CHANCE, I MARKED THE ONES THAT I
THOUGHT WERE JUST ABSOLUTELY
ESSENTIAL FOR YOU TO....
( Laughter )
>> Dave: NOW WAIT A MINUTE.
>> FOR TO YOU READ.
>> Dave: THAT'S VERY THOUGHTFUL.
>> WELL, I KNEW.
I JUST WANT TO POINT TO YOU JUST
THE THINGS THAT YOU NEEDED.
>> Dave: A COUPLE OF TIPS.
>> WHEN WE WERE HERE LAST TIME,
WHEN I WAS HERE LAST TIME, I
ASKED YOU A QUESTION, AND YOU
SAID YOU PROBABLY HAVE A
DIFFERENT ANSWER.
BUT DID YOU EVER MARRY YOUR
BOY'S MOMMA?
>> Dave: WE'RE STILL IN
NEGOTIATIONS.
AND THE PAPERWORK WAS MISPLACED.
>> BECAUSE I CAN CLOSE THIS DEAL
FOR YOU.
>> Dave: YOU CAN MARRY PEOPLE?
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> Dave: THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
>> I CAN MARRY YOU GUYS.
>> Dave: WHAT IF WE COME ON THE
DR. PHIL SHOW AND GET MARRIED
THERE?
>> WE COULD DO THAT.
( Cheers and Applause )
>> Dave: WAIT A MINUTE.
>> IF... IF WILL YOU COME ON THE
SHOW AND GET MARRIED, I WILL
GIVE YOU A RIDE IN A NEW PONTIAC
( Laughter )
I WILL DRIVE YOU OUT OF THEIR
MYSELF.
>> Dave: YOU PRESENT A PRETTY
COMPELLING CASE.
WHAT ABOUT THIS, DR. PHIL.
WHAT ABOUT YOU MARRY ME AND MY
SON'S MOTHER, AND WE DO IT ON
OPRAH'S SHOW.
>> YEAH.
>> Dave: NOW WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
SUPER BOWL NUMBERS, AREN'T WE?
>> SO, LISTEN, IF YOU WANT TO DO
THAT, SOMEBODY BRING MY CALENDAR
BOOK OUT HERE.
I WILL GET ORDAINED TO MARRY
YOU.
( Applause )
>> Dave: CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE
READY TO GO ON THAT.
ALL KIDDING ASIDE HERE BECAUSE
I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS ABOUT THIS.
>> I MANTLE.
>> Dave: WHAT SHOULD I BE DOING
BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW HOW
IT IS, YOU WANT TO DO EVERYTHING
YOU CAN FOR HIM BUT AT A POINT
YOU HAVE TO STOP AND BE
SELECTIVE.
WHAT CAN I DO TO BE MINDFUL OF
THAT BECAUSE IF HE IS JUST ONE
OF THOSE SNOTTY WHINING BRATS,
I'LL JUST HAVE TO HIT THE ROAD.
( Laughter )
>> WHICH WE KNOW YOU CAN DO,
RIGHT?
WE KNOW YOU CAN HIT THE ROAD AND
HIT IT QUICK.
BUT SEE HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS.
>> Dave: WHAT ABOUT YOUR KIDS?
DID YOU HAVE GOOD KIDS?
>> I STILL HAVE GOOD KIDS.
>> Dave: WHAT DID YOU DO EARLY
ON TO MAKE SURE THEY WOULD BE
GOOD?
>> I TURNED THEM OVER TO MY
WIFE.
IS WHAT I DID.
I LET HER HANDLE IT.
( Applause )
BUT SEE, WHAT YOU WANT IS THAT
BY THE TIME YOUR CHILD GETS TO
BE LIKE 16, YOU WANT HIM TO HAVE
BONDED WITH YOU IN SUCH A WAY
THAT HE WANTS TO BE JUST LIKE
YOU, MINUS THE WALKER.
( Laughter )
HE WANTS TO BE JUST LIKE YOU BY
THE TIME HE GETS 16.
>> Dave: BUT NOW THERE WAS A BIG
ARTICLE IN "NEWSWEEK" MAGAZINE A
COUPLE WEEKS AGO ABOUT WHY IT'S
SO HARD FOR PARENTS, ESPECIALLY
PEOPLE IN AFFLUENT COMMUNITIES,
TO TELL THEIR CHILDREN NO.
BECAUSE KIDS, I WANT A NEW CAR,
I WANT THE NEW THING.
I WANT ANOTHER THING.
ANOTHER THING FOR MY CAR, AND
YOU GOT TO TELL THEM NO.
AND THEY SAY JUST BE PREPARED TO
TELL THEM NO NINE OR TEN TIMES
AND IT STILL WON'T WORK.
>> HERE'S THE THING.
PARENTS ARE SCARED.
THEY'RE AFRAID THEIR KIDS AREN'T
GOING TO LIKE THEM.
HAVE YOU MET YOUR CHILD?
>> Dave: YES, I'VE MET MY CHILD.
>> BECAUSE YOU EITHER GOT TO
TELL THEM KNOW OR TEACH THE
NANNY TO TELL THEM NO.
ONE OF THE TWO.
I JUST WONDERED IF Y'ALL HAD
MET.
>> Dave: EVERYTHING IS FINE.
SO FAR EVERYTHING IS FINE.
>> KIDS DO HAVE THIS SENSE OF
ENTITLEMENT.
PARENTS ARE AFRAID TO TELL THEIR
KIDS NO, BECAUSE THEY WON'T LIKE
THEM BUT IT ISN'T ABOUT THEM
LIKING YOU.
YOU GOT TO TEACH THEM THAT THEY
HAVE TO EARN THINGS IN THEIR
LIFE INSTEAD OF JUST GIVING THEM
EVERYTHING HOW ARE YOU ON
IMPULSE CONTROL?
>> Dave: NOT GOOD.
( Laughter )
WHY DO YOU THINK I HAVE A SON?
( Applause )
BUT IS IT... AS AN OBJECTIVE,
ARE WE TRYING TO RAISE THE MOST
INDEPENDENT HUMAN WE CAN, SO
THAT THEY WILL BE SELF SATISFIED
SELF-CONSCIOUS,... NOT
SELF-CONSCIOUS BUT... SUPPORTING
>> OH, THIS IS GOING TO BE UGLY.
>> Dave: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO BE NEEDY.
>> I TALK ABOUT IN FAMILY FIRST,
THAT HAVE YOU A DEFINITION OF
SUCCESS FOR YOUR KIDS.
AND IT'S DIFFERENT FOR EVERY
KID.
BUT THERE ARE TWO THINGS YOU GOT
TO HAVE FOR EVERY KID.
ONE IS YOU GOT TO HAVE ALL LOVE
THAT IS IN YOUR HEART THAT YOU
CAN POSSIBLY HAVE AND OF COURSE
YOU DO.
AND SECOND, YOU NEED A REALLY
GOOD PLAN.
AND WELL, THERE'S THIRD, YOU
NEED TONS OF CASH, BUT YOU NEED
A GOOD... YOU NEED LOTS OF LOVE,
A REALLY GOOD PLAN.
AND MOST PARENTS DON'T HAVE A
PLAN.
>> Dave: I DON'T HAVE A PLAN.
>> YOU'RE JUST WAKING UP EVERY
DAY AND....
>> Dave: SEEING HOW HE'S DOING.
WHERE DO I GET A PLAN?
LET ME HAVE YOUR PLAN.
>> THAT'S WHY I WROTE BOOK.
>> Dave: IF I READ THE BOOK,
THINGS WILL BE FINE?
>> THEY'LL BE BETTER.
SEE, BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO HAVE
SOMETHING TO WORK WITH, BUT IF
YOU... IF YOU READ THE BOOK,
I'VE SAID BEFORE IT WAS HARD TO
RAISE YOUR KIDS BY THE BOOK
UNTIL THERE WAS ONE.
SO I WROTE ONE.
>> Dave: NOW WE HAVE THE BOOK.
>> NOW WYE HAVE THE BOOK.
I MARKED PASSAGES FOR YOU.
( Musical Flourish )
>> Dave: DR. PHIL, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
( Cheers and Applause )
DR. PHIL HAS TOMORROW NIGHT
RIGHT HERE ON CBS, A TWO-HOUR
SPECIAL.
WHAT TIME IS IT ON TOMORROW
NIGHT?
>> 8:00, I THINK.
8:00.
8:00 TO 10:00.
( Applause )
YEP.
SO THIS IS YAHOO.
>> Dave: NOT YAHOO, IT'S NOT
YATS', YATZEE.
>> SO THIS IS THE REAL STUFF,
HUH?
( Applause )
BOY, NOTHING SAYS WELCOME TO NEW
YORK LIKE YOO-HOO.
THIS IS REAL OR SOMETHING YOU
MADE UP LIKE BIG ASS HAM.
>> Dave: IT SAYS Y FIX THEIR
PROBLEMS?
>> I DON'T JUST BARGE IN, BUT IF
THEY ASK.
>> Dave: LET ME ASK YOU ANOTHER
THING THAT I FIND TERRIBLY
FRIGHTENING AND AGAIN IT'S ABOUT
ME.
KIDS IN TELEVISION.
I JUST THINK THAT MAYBE KIDS
SHOULDN'T BE WATCHING TELEVISION
UNTIL THEY'RE LIKE 15 OR 16,
HONESTLY BECAUSE ONE, IF THEIR
BRAINS AREN'T FULLY FORMED AT A
CERTAIN AGE, THE ELECTRONIC
SIGNALS SCREWS THEM UP.
IF YOU LOOK AT THAT THING, IT
WILL DO SOMETHING TO YOU IF YOUR
BRAIN IS NOT FULLY FORMED.
IF YOU LOOK RIGHT AT THE SCREEN.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
IT WILL SCRAMBLE YOUR BRAIN.
SO HAVE YOU THAT.
>> SO YOU WATCHED A LOT OF
TELEVISION.
>> Dave: A LOT OF THIS.
>> THAT'S ACTUALLY....
>> Dave: THEN THE CONTENT.
BEYOND THE ELECTRONIC THING, YOU
HAVE THE CONTENT AND IT'S
HORRIFYING AND HAVE YOU THE
VIDEO GAMES WHERE PEOPLE ARE
STABBING AND THE BLOOD AND
EVERYTHING.
YOU TELL ME THAT'S NOT SCARY.
>> THAT'S SCARY.
>> Dave: WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT
THAT?
>> TURN IT OFF.
>> Dave: IT'S ALL PERVASIVE.
AND YOU TURN IT OFF, YOU ISOLATE
YOUR CHILD FROM THEIR PEER
GROUP.
HOW DO YOU FIGHT THAT BATTLE?
>> WELL, LOOK, YOU ARE ACTUALLY
ASKING A GOOD QUESTION HERE.
>> Dave: SURE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, I'M A TEMP?
>> I KNOW YOU'RE NOT A TEMP.
I KNOW BECAUSE YOU WERE HERE
LAST TIME.
>> Dave: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> OR IT WAS THAT GUY THAT LOOKS
LIKE YOU.
>> Dave: EITHER ONE.
>> YOU'RE KIDDING YOURSELF.
HE HAD A LOT MORE HAIR.
BUT THAT IS A PROBLEM.
PARENTS NEED TO TURN OFF THE
TELEVISION.
THEY NEED TO WATCH MY SHOW AND
OPRAH AND YOUR SHOW.
>> Dave: THAT'S RIGHT.
IT REALLY IS, AND I THINK WE
HAVE A GENERATION OR TWO
GENERATIONS OF KIDS THAT ARE
COMPLETELY ISOLATED AND THEY
TEND TO BE PETULANT AND QUIET
AND MOODY AND UNRESPONSIVE AND
THEY DON'T SAY HELLO.
THEY DON'T SAY PLEASE, THEY
DON'T SAY THANK YOU.
THEY'RE JUST IN THIS WORLD
CREATED FOR THEM ELECTRONICALLY.
>> HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
ARE YOU AROUND A LOT OF KIDS?
>> Dave: YES.
( Laughter )
>> WHAT, ARE ARE THEY THROWING
THEMSELVES ON THE HOOD OF YOUR
CAR?
I MEAN YOU GOT FROM YOUR HOUSE
TO HERE AND HOME.
HAVE YOU SEEN ANOTHER HUMAN
BEING IN THE LAST TEN YEARS?
( Laughter )
>> Dave: I OPERATE...
>> HAVE YOU SPOKEN TO ANYBODY
THAT WASN'T IN THIS CHAIR IN THE
LAST TEN YEARS?
( Laughter )
( Applause )
>> Dave: WOW.
>> I BET IF I SAW YOU ON THE
STREET, IT WOULD BE LIKE YEAH,
YEAH, RIGHT.
>> Dave: WELL, SURE, IF IT WAS
YOU, OF COURSE.
BUT I KNOW PEOPLE WITH YOUNG
CHILDREN IN THESE FORMIDABLE AGE
GROUP AND THEY DESCRIBE TO ME
WHAT IS GOING ON AND IT'S
HORRIFYING.
NOW BEFORE HI MY SON, I COULDN'T
HAVE CARED LESS.
( Laughter )
>> YOU KNOW, I SAID THERE ARE
TWO THINGS YOU GOT TO HAVE IF
YOU ARE GOING TO RAISE YOUR
CHILD RIGHT.
TWO PARTS OF YOUR DEFINITION OF
SUCCESS.
ONE IS YOU GOT TO HELP THEM
DISCOVER WHO THEY REALLY ARE.
>> Dave: RIGHT.
>> I MEAN BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT
THEM TO GROW UP IN YOUR IMAGE.
YOU WANT THEM TO DISCOVER LIKE
MAYBE THEY LIKE MUSIC, MAYBE
THEY WANT TO GET A REAL JOB
MAYBE AND GO DO SOMETHING...
THEY DON'T WANT AT THE TO DO
WHAT WE DO....
>> Dave: THIS FIGHT SHOULD BE
STOPPED, LABEL.
>> NO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
>> AND THE OTHER THING, YOU HAVE
TO SOCIALIZE YOUR KIDS.
WE LIVE IN AN EAT WHAT YOU KILL
WORLD, RIGHT?
YOU GET OUT THERE, YOU DON'T
WORK, YOU DON'T EAT.
AND THESE PARENTS WHO
OVERINDULGE THEIR KIDS AND PUT
THEM OUT IN THE WORLD.
THE WORLD IS GOING PAY THEM IF
THEY SHOW UP AND WORK, NOT IF
THEY DON'T.
YOU CRIPPLE THEM IF YOU DON'T
SOCIALIZE THEM.
>> Dave: DO YOU HAVE TIME FOR
ONE MORE QUESTION?
>> YEAH.
>> Dave: I'M WORRIED ABOUT CELL
PHONES BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN, THEY
CAUSE BRAIN PROBLEMS.
THEY CAUSE PROBLEMS WITH YOUR
BRAIN.
>> YOU'RE REALLY CAUGHT UP IN
HERE, AREN'T YOU?
>> Dave: LIKE THE COMPUTER GAMES
THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.
ALSO WHEN YOU TALK TO SOMEONE ON
A CELL PHONE, IT'S LIKE TALKING
TO SOMEONE IN A SILO OR BURNING
SUBMARINE.
YOU CAN'T HEAR WHAT THEY'RE
SAYING.
YOU LOSE SHADING AND NUANCE.
AND I BELIEVE THAT OVER TEN,
15-YEAR PERIOD, THIS WILL CHANGE
ON YOU HUMANS COMMUNITY.
WE WILL NO LONGER BE ABLE TO
READ THE TONE OF ONE'S VOICE
BECAUSE IT'S THE CELL PHONE
SYNDROME.
>> YEAH, IT'S BAD NOW WITH
E-MAILS.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE JUST PUT IN A
TONE ON E-MAILS, THEY CAN SOUND
VERY HARSH.
DO YOU E-MAIL?
>> Dave: YEAH, BUT THAT'S NOT
WHAT WE'RE TALKINGING ABOUT.
( Laughter )
>> I KNOW.
BUT THAT'S EVEN WORSE BECAUSE
THEN YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A
LITTLE BIT OF VOICE INFLECTION.
>> Dave: BUT AT LEAST WITH
E-MAILS, THAT'S WRITTEN
COMMUNICATION AS WERE LETTERS
WHEN PEOPLE USED TO WRITE
LETTERS.
BUT THIS ACTUALLY CHANGES THE
AUDIO PERCEPTION OF HOW PEOPLE
COMMUNICATE.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT CONCERNS ME....
>> Dave: I CAN'T TELL IF YOU'RE
ANGRY OR HAPPY WHEN WE ARE
TALKING ON THE CELL PHONE
BECAUSE IT'S PRIP MUFFLED
SOUNDS )
AND A LITTLE OF THAT IS JUST--
>> YOU KNOW WHAT CONCERNS ME?
IS THAT YOU HAVE A TEN-MONTH-OLD
SON AND YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT
CELL PHONES?
>> Dave: I'M A BIG PICTURE GUY.
( Laughter )
>> DO YOU HAVE... DO YOU HAVE A
PLAN.
>> Dave: I DON'T HAVE A CELL
PHONE, NO.
>> IF YOU PICK UP HARRY AND HE
BITES YOU, DO YOU KNOW WHAT TO
DO?
>> Dave: YES I DO.
>> WHAT.
>> Dave: QUIETLY WITHOUT MAKING
A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT, EXTRICATE
MY FLESH FROM HIS JAWS BECAUSE
IF I MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT,
HE IS GOING TO DO IT AGAIN.
>> YEAH.
( Laughter )
>> ALL RIGHT.
THIS IS A TEST.
>> Dave: WHAT DO YOU THINK I
OUGHT TO BE DOING, CHASING HIM
AROUND THE HOUSE WITH PLIERS?
COME HERE YOU LITTLE SON OF A
BITCH YOU PULL THAT ON ME.
>> IF YOU TAKE HIM... YOU GO
GROCERY SHOPPING ALL THE TIME,
RIGHT.
>> Dave: I HAVE PEOPLE WHO GO
GROCERY SHOP.
>> IF YOU GO GROCERY SHOPPING
AND HE FAUMS OUT OAT FLOOR AND
THROWS A TANTRUM, DO YOU KNOW
WHAT TO DO?
>> Dave: PICK HIM UP AND DRAG
HIM THE HELL OUT OF THERE.
JUST PICK HIM UP AND DRAG HIM
THE HELL OUT.
( Cheers and Applause )
>> OKAY.
I NEED TO MARK A FEW MORE THINGS
>> Dave: YOU'RE SAYING I'M WRONG
ON BOTH COUNTS.
>> HAVE YOU HAD THE SEX TALK
PLANNED OUT IN YOUR MIND YET.
>> Dave: I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO
IT.
I CAN'T GET ANYBODY TO TALK TO
ME ABOUT SEX.
( Laughter )
( Applause )
>> THIS IS WHAT I'M SAYING YOU
HAVE TO HAVE A PLAN.
YOU SHOULD PLAN THIS STUFF OUT.
I KNOW HE IS JUST TEN MONTHS OLD
BUT FRANKLY, BY THE TIME HE GETS
OLD ENOUGH TO REALLY HAVE THOSE
QUESTIONS, YOU MAY NOT REMEMBER
MUCH ABOUT IT.
>> Dave: OH STOP IT.
>> YOU NEED TO MAKE THESE NOTES.
>> Dave: I DON'T REMEMBER IT
NOW.
TELL ME, BITING THING, ARE YOU
TELLING ME THAT'S WRONG, THE
BITING THING?
SGLIPTINGLY, A LOT OF PARENTS
BITE THEIR KIDS BACK.
>> Dave: SEE, THAT SEEMS FERAL.
>> THAT IS ABSOLUTELY THE WRONG
THING TO DO.
>> Dave: MY IMPULSE HAS NEVER
BEEN TO BITE CHILD BACK.
>> YOU HAVE TO REDIRECT THEM.
YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM NO.
YOU HAVE TO MAKE CONTACT WITH
THEM AND TELL THEM NO IN A FIRM
WAY AND THEN TAKE THEM OUT OF
THE SITUATION.
>> Dave: THAT'S RIGHT.
BUT SEE TO ME...
>> THAT'S DIFFERENT THAN DRAG
HIS ASS OUT OF THERE.
>> Dave: BUT IF YOU OVERREACT,
THEN THE KID KNOWS HE HAS GOT
YOU HOOKED UP.
>> RIGHT.
>> Dave: I FEEL IT JUST A PHASE
HE IS GOING TO GROW OUT OF
ANYWAY, SO WHAT IS SIX MONTHS
WORTH OF, YOU KNOW, BLOODY
BRUISES.
>> NO, NO,, YOU'VE GOT TO TELL
HIM NO.
I ASKED YOU IF YOU HAD IMPULSE
CONTROL.
YOU SAID NO.
SO YOU DON'T WANT TO PASS THAT
UP.
CHILDREN-- PASS THAT ON.
>> Dave: I SAY NO AND PULL HIM
OFF AND MISDIRECT HIM.
>> EYE CONTACT, NO AND TAKE HIM
OUT OF THE SITUATION.
>> Dave: THE BIG SPECIAL
TOMORROW NIGHT FAMILY FIRST.
( Applause )
DR. PHIL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
TH
( Cheers and Applause )
>> Dave: HOW ABOUT THAT
DR. PHIL.
>> Paul: A FIRECRACKER.
>> Dave: I NEED A CUT MAN, FOR
GOD'S SAKE.
HOW GOOD AWORKING WITH HER.
SHE WAS ON A SHOW CALLED
PROVIDENCE AND SHE IS TERRIFIC.
GREAT CAST.
IT IS REALLY A GOOD EXPERIENCE.
>> Dave: WHEN YOU'RE SHOOTING
STREET SCENES OF NEW YORK CITY,
WOULD IT KILL YOU TO GET ED
SULLIVAN THEATER, THE
MARQUIS....
( Laughter )
SAY SOMEBODY IS WAITING IN LINE
TO SEE OUR SHOW AND THEY'RE
STABBED TO DEATH.
( Laughter )
COULD YOU WORK THAT IN?
( Applause )
>> I THINK ALL YOU'D HAVE TO DO
IS CALL LES AND HAVE A LITTLE
QHAT WITH LES.
>> Dave: I'LL TAKE THAT UP WITH
HIM IF I CAN.
YOU SPEND A LOT OF YOUR TIME IN
IRAQ, AFGHANISTAN, VISITING
TROOPS AND SO FORTH?
>> I V.I'VE DONE QUITE A BIT FOR
THE U.S.O.IN THE LAST....
>> Dave: WHEN DID THAT BEGIN?
>> MY FIRST TOUR WAS JUNE OF
2003, I WENT TO BAGHDAD AND
KUWAIT AND QATAR AND THEN I WENT
BACK IN NOVEMBER TO VISIT THE
TROOPS AND SINCE THEN, I'VE BEEN
TO GERMANY, ITALY AND SINGAPORE.
I HAVE A BAND AND I TOOK MY BAND
TO SINGAPORE AND KOREA.
>> Dave: WHAT KIND OF BAND IS
IT?
>> A ROCK BAND.
JUST SOMETHING THAT'S FUN FOR ME
TO DO.
IN FACT WE'RE PLAYING SATURDAY
NIGHT IN CHICAGO AT A CLUB
CALLED JOE'S BAR.
A WONDERFUL PLACE.
A BENEFIT FOR AN ORGANIZATION I
STARTED CALLED OPERATION IRAQI
CHILDREN.
I STARTED THIS ORGANIZATION
AFTER I WENT TO IRAQ MY SECOND
TIME BECAUSE I WENT OUT TO VISIT
SOME OF THE SCHOOLS THERE AND
SAW, YOU KNOW, THIS GOODWILL
BETWEEN THE SOLDIERS AND IRAQI
KIDS AND IRAQIS, SOMETHING THAT
YOU DON'T SEE VERY OFTEN.
I SAW THIS WONDERFUL KIND OF,
YOU KNOW, WORKING TOGETHER
COOPERATION.
SO I CAME BACK AND I STARTED