大衛-萊特曼的晚間秀--2005年11月。 (The Late Show with David Letterman - Nov. 2005)

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( APPLAUSE )
BUT LISTEN TO THIS.
LISTEN TO THIS.
TONIGHT DONALD TRUMP AND REGIS
PHILBIN ARE HERE.
THEY WILL BE SINGING A SONG
FROM THEIR NEW CHRISTMAS CAROL
CD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DONALD TRUMP, REGIS PHILBIN ON
THIS STAGE SINGING CHRISTMAS
MUSIC.
ONCE AGAIN THE BUSH
ADMINISTRATION FAILS TO
RESPOND.
HOW COULD A....
( APPLAUSE )
JUST A TREMENDOUS... I DON'T
KNOW HOW THIS GUY DOES IT.
DAY IN AND DAY OUT.
YOU TAKE A LOOK AT THIS SHOW.
WE HAVE ALL THE HUGE RESOURCES
OF THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK
AT OUR DISPOSAL.
THIS IS A MONSTER SHOW.
THIS IS A JUGGERNAUT.
WE CHEW UP AND SPIT OUT SO
MUCH MONEY DAY IN AND DAY OUT,
IT WOULD MAKE YOUR HEAD SPIN.
NOW REGIS, ON THE OTHER HAND
HAS JUST KIND OF LITTLE A LIKE
PUPPET SHOW KIND OF THING HE
DOES.
DAY IN AND DAY OUT, HE STILL
MANAGES TO BE THE SINGLE MOST
ENTERTAINING HOUR ON
TELEVISION.
HOW DOES HE DO IT?
>> Paul: I AGREE WITH YOU.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Dave: HOW DOES HE DO IT?
>> Paul: BECAUSE HE IS A
MASTER ENTERTAINER.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?
>> Dave: THIS IS THE REGIS
PHILBIN CHRISTMAS ALBUM.
TONIGHT HE'LL BE SINGING A
SONG, RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED
REINDEER ACCOMPANIED BY DONALD
TRUMP.
>> Paul: THIS IS HARD TO
BELIEVE.
TOUGH FOR ME TO BELIEVE IT.
>> Dave: YOU KNOW HOW THIS
HAPPENED?
REGIS AND DONALD WERE SITTING
AROUND ONE DAY.
THEY SAID, YOU KNOW, I THINK
THERE'S SOME MONEY OUT THERE
WE STILL DON'T HAVE OUR HANDS
ON.
I WONDER IF WE COULD
YOU KNOW, WE'RE IN SUCH A
HOLIDAY FESTIVE MOOD.
I'M SO EXCITED.
THIS IS ONE OF THE FEW TIMES I
ENJOY COMING TO WORK IS WHEN
REGIS IS ON THE SHOW.
>> Paul: I KNOW YOU DO.
>> Dave: IT'S LIKE SITTING AT
THE FEET OF A LIVING BUDDHA.
>> Paul: REALLY?
>> Dave: I'M SO INSPIRED AND
EXCITED BECAUSE IT'S T
HOLIDAYS I SAY LET'S DO
SOMETHING NICE SO WE'RE GOING
TO DO A LITTLE SOMETHING
CALLED "WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO
APPEAR IN YOUR HOLIDAY CARD?"
LET'S TURN ON THE THING AND GO
OUT TO 53rd STREET.
OH, NEW YORK CITY DURING THE
HOLIDAYS.
IS THERE ANYTHING BETTER,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?
IT'S A BALMY 60 DEGREES IN
MANHATTAN TODAY.
HOWDY.
HELLO.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
BUENAS NOCHES.
NICE TO HAVE YOU HERE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
LET'S GO ON IN TO THE RUPERT G
HELLO DELI.
THERE'S AN ANGRY MOB OUTSIDE
THE DELI.
WHAT HAPPENED?
>> THEY JUST WANT TO GET ON
TELEVISION.
>> Dave: RUPERT TONIGHT, YOU
KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING?
WE'RE PLAYING SOMETHING CALLED
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO APPEAR IN
YOUR HOLIDAY CARD?
♪ WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO APPEAR
IN YOUR HOLIDAY CARD? ♪♪
>> Dave: WE NEED YOU TO GET
SOMEBODY WHO WOULD LIKE ME TO
APPEAR IN THEIR HOLIDAY CARD.
WE HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HOLIDAY
BACK DROP AND YOU TAKE THE
PHOTO.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
CAN YOU DO BETTER THAN THAT,
MY FRIEND?
>> YOU CAN'T, NO.
>> Dave: NO.
SO RUPERT RUN OUT THERE LIKE A
HERE SHE IS.
BRING HER DOWN.
THERE WE GO.
TERRIBLY EXCITING.
THIS IS TWO NIGHTS AWAY.
THIS IS AMAZING.
WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET OPRAH
WINFREY BACK ON THIS SHOW
SINCE 1989.
IT'S BEEN A FULL 16 YEARS
SINCE SHE WAS BACK ON THE
SHOW.
FINALLY SHE HAS GRACIOUSLY
CONSENTED TO APPEAR ON THE
PROGRAM THURSDAY NIGHT, TWO
NIGHTS AWAY.
I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
>> Paul: I CAN SEE YOU'RE
GETTING NERVOUS.
>> Dave: I'M FLUSTERED AND
NERVOUS.
IT'S LIKE THE PRESIDENT COMES
TO YOUR HOUSE FOR DINNER.
IT'S THAT CRAZY.
WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY TO
OPRAH?
IS THAT A STAR?
>> Paul: THAT IS A STAR.
>> Dave: THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
LOVELY OPRAH.
>> Paul: SHE HAS EVERYTHING.
>> Dave: AND YESTERDAY WE HAD
A WONDERFUL PAINTER FROM
MELBOURNE AUSTRALIA NAMED
KERRY GIBBS.
WE COMMISSIONED A PORTRAIT OF
MYSELF AND OPRAH AND ALSO
REGIS IS IN THIS PICTURE.
COULD WE HAVE THAT?
HERE'S THE FINISHED PRODUCT.
WE HAD IT DONE YESTERDAY.
CAN I JUST PULL THESE THINGS
OUT OF HERE?
BUT HERE IT IS.
YOU SEE THIS IS LOVELY.
( APPLAUSE )
AND I WANTED TO SUGGEST A
ROMANTIC THEME, AN UNDERTONE
OF, WELL, SOMETHING THOUGHT
PROVOKING.
YOU CAN SEE OPRAH NEVER LOOKED
MORE RADIANT.
THERE I AM I'VE NEVER BEEN
HAPPIER.
UP HERE WE HAVE THE
DISEMBODYED HEAD OF REGIS
FLOATING ABOVE US.
>> Paul: WHY IS HE SO SMALL IN
THE PICTURE.
>> Dave: I DON'T KNOW.
>> Paul: THE SCALE IS OFF.
THE SCALE IS A LITTLE BIT OFF.
>> Dave: AND THE PAINT IS IS
NOT DRY EITHER.
>> Paul: WELL, YOU CAN'T HAVE
EVERYTHING.
>> Dave: WHEN YOU HAVE
SOMETHING LIKE THIS YOU JUST
CAN'T DO A SHOW.
HERE'S OPRAH, GO TO TOWN.
HERE, LOOK AT THIS STACK OF
IDEAS WE'VE BEEN CONSIDERING.
HERE'S AN IDEA.
AUDIENCE THAT NIGHT THURSDAY
NIGHT AUDIENCE WILL BE FULL OF
PEOPLE NAMED OPRAH.
>> Paul: THAT'S VERY MUCH AN
OPRAH-STYLE IDEA.
>> Dave: AT THE END OF THE
SHOW DR. PHIL DROPS HIS PANTS
AND FIRES A ROCKET.
INVITE NICK AND JESSICA.
HOPE THIS WILL LEAD THEM TO
RECONCILIATION.
>> Paul: VERY MUCH COULD, BY
EXAMPLE.
>> Dave: DETONATE A CRATE OF
ILLEGAL FIRE WORKS.
>> Paul: COULD DO THAT.
SOUNDS GOOD.
>> Dave: WHAT ELSE HERE?
DURING THE COMMERCIAL BREAKS,
I WILL RIDE A MECHANICAL BULL.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Paul: POPULAR ONE WITH THE
AUDIENCE.
>> Dave: GROW SOPHISTICATED
MOUSTACHE.
PATERNITY TESTS LIKE THEY DO
ON MAURY.
>> Paul: OH, YEAH.
>> Dave: GET LENO TO HOST.
KICK OFF THE INTERVIEW WITH A
LONG, AWKWARD HUG.
( APPLAUSE )
MAKE STEADMAN HOLD CUE CARDS
FOR THE NIGHT.
INSTALL HABACHI IN DESK,
DISTRIBUTE GRILLED MEATS TO
AUDIENCE.
MARGUERITAS FOR EVERYONE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALL RIGHT.
RUPERT, DO YOU HAVE A
CONTESTANT FOR US OUT THERE.
>> YES, I DO, DAVE.
>> Dave: WHO IS YOUR FRIEND
THERE.
>> ELIVIA EDMUND.
>> Dave: DO YOU HAVE A DOG
WITH YOU?
>> NO.
>> Dave: DID YOU HEAR A DOG,
PAUL.
>> Paul: I THOUGHT I HEARD A
MONKEY.
>> Dave: WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
>> ORIGINALLY FROM NEW YORK
BUT LIVE IN CALIFORNIA NOW.
>> Dave: WHAT PART?
>> SAN CLEMENT?
I JUST GRADUATED FROM SCHOOL
SO I'M... I DON'T HAVE A JOB
YET.
>> Dave: WHERE DID YOU GO TO
SCHOOL.
>> IRVINE.
>> Dave: THE ANT EATERS.
GO, ANT EATERS.
AM I RIGHT?
>> GO ANT EATERS.
>> Dave: YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU DON'T HAVE AN ANT EATER
WITH YOU, DO YOU?
>> NO NOT THIS TIME.
>> Dave: WHAT WAS YOUR DEGREE?
WHAT DID YOU GET YOUR DEGREE
IN?
>> PSYCHOLOGY.
>> Dave: OH, YOU'VE COME TO
THE RIGHT PLACE.
MY, GOD.
YOU KNOW IT'S THAT TIME.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO APPEAR IN
YOUR HOLIDAY CARD.
>> YES.
>> Dave: BRING HER IN, RUPERT.
HERE WE GO.
>> Dave: DO YOU WANT TO PUT
ONE OF THESE ON?
THIS WILL BE NICE.
WE'LL JUST STAND RIGHT HERE.
IS THAT ALL RIGHT?
ARE YOU COMFORTABLE IN THIS?
ARE YOU READY, RUPERT?
WAIT A MINUTE.
WE CAN'T SEE THE THING.
LET'S GET OVER HERE.
ALL RIGHT, GREAT.
THERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
CONGRATULATIONS.
HAVE FUN BACK THERE IN IRVINE.
ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU, RUPERT.
THERE WE GO.
REGIS PHILBIN AND COLIN HANKS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK,
EVERYBODY.
>> Dave: WELCOME TO THE
PROGRAM, REGIS.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Dave: HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
>> HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU.
>> Dave: YOU LOOK LIKE A
MILLION BUCKS EVERY TIME I SEE
YOU.
IT'S BEEN A YEAR SINCE YOU
WERE HERE LAST TIME.
>> WHY WAS THAT.
>> Dave: WE TRY TO GET YOU AS
MUCH AS WE CAN.
>> I HAVE BEEN OSTRACIZED.
EVERYDAY REGIS WAS HERE
RUNNING DOWN THE AISLES,
THROWING CANDY.
>> Dave: IT WAS JUST GREAT.
>> SUDDENLY WE DON'T NEED
REGIS.
>> Dave: THAT'S NOT TRUE.
>> SUDDENLY WHO IS REGIS?
>> Dave: NOTHING IS FARTHER
FROM THE TRUTH.
YOU MY FRIEND ARE MR. HALL OF
FAME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> OH, PLEASE.
NOBODY DOES COMPLIMENTS LIKE
YOU.
>> Dave: MR. HALL OF FAME.
>> CAN WE GET RIGHT DOWN TO
THE NITTY-GRITTY OF THINGS.
>> Dave: WHAT'S THE PROBLEM,
REG?
>> WHAT ALL THE HYSTERIA ABOUT
OPRAH?
>> Dave: I WAS TALKING TO A
FRIEND OF MINE.
I WAS DOING SATELLITE
INTERVIEWS FOR TELEVISION IN
EUROPE.
I WAS TALK TO GO THE CRITIC
FOR THE INTERNATIONAL HERALD
TRIBUNE KNOLL GIZMAN.
>> I KNOW HIM.
>> Dave: HE'S CALLING IT THE
TELEVISION EVENT OF THE
DECADE.
>> I THINK IT IS TOO.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING, WHY
WAS IT THAT SUDDENLY OPRAH
DECIDED TO COME?
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OF
BEGGING AND PLEADING AND
KISSING UP TO HER, WHY NOW?
WHY NOW?
WHY NOW?
>> Dave: WE'RE GIVING HER A
PONTIAC.
>> OH, BOY.
FINALLY.
WHAT IS BEHIND THE REASON SHE
NEVER CAME ON?
WHY?
>> Dave: IT'S SIMPLE ENOUGH.
SHE HATES ME.
>> BUT WHY DOES SHE HATE YOU?
WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?
>> Dave: I DON'T KNOW.
BELIEVE ME I UNDERSTAND
BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE TAKE
OFFENSE WHEN I MAKE THE SMART
REMARKS ABOUT THEM.
EVERYBODY DOES, OF COURSE.
>> HOW ABOUT ME?
>> Dave: NO YOU DON'T.
>> EXCUSE ME.
I CERTAINLY DO.
DID YOU SEE LAST NIGHT WE HAD
TO HAVE THE BIG PICTURE OF
OPRAH.
THEN THAT WENT AWAY AND THEN
OUT CAME THIS LITTLE BITTY
PICTURE, LITTLE BITTY, ABOUT
THIS BIG.
WHO IS THAT?
I'M LOOKING, I'M LOOKING.
IT'S ME.
AND THEN YOU COME OVER THERE
LIKE THE BIG SHOT YOU ARE....
>> Dave: OKAY.
>> AND HE WENT LIKE THIS.
>> Dave: JUST GAVE IT A LITTLE
FLICK.
>> LIKE I'M A GNAT ON THE
WALL.
HOW DO YOU THINK REGIS FEELS
WHEN HE SEES THAT.
>> Dave: YOU UNDERSTAND IT'S
COMEDY AND FIRST CLASS COMEDY
AT THAT.
AND IT DOESN'T BOTHER YOU.
YOU ENJOY A GOOD LAUGH
YOURSELF.
YOU PROBABLY LAUGHED.
>> REGIS DOESN'T LAUGH ABOUT
THAT.
BUT THE PICTURE THAT THE WOMAN
PAINTED, AGAIN, REGIS LIKE A
LITTLE GNAT LOOKING ON.
>> Dave: I THINK IT'S BECAU
THAT WAS THE PICTURE SHE WAS
WORKING FROM WAS JUST THIS
LITTLE ONE RIGHT THERE.
>> LOOK AT REGIS WAY UP THERE.
>> Dave: IT'S A NICE LIKENESS.
>> IT'S ABOUT AS BIG AS YOUR
EYE.
REGIS REALLY GETTING SICK OF
IT.
>> Dave: NO, NO, YOU'RE FINE.
WHEN DID YOU START CALLING
YOURSELF REGIS?
HOW LONG HAS THAT BEEN GOING
ON?
>> I LOVE TO CALL MYSELF
REGIS.
>> Dave: NOW, HAS OPRAH EVER
BEEN ON YOUR SHOW?
>> FOUR OR FIVE TIMES IN THE
LAST SIX MONTHS.
>> Dave: IN THE LAST SIX
MONTHS.
>> HERE SHE IS.
COME ON OUT HERE.
>> Dave: IT'S LIKE SHE'S
CO-HOSTING.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
>> I KNOW YOU'RE A MASTER AT
THIS.
WHEN A PRETTY GIRL COMES OUT
YOU THINK YOU'RE CARY GRANT.
YOU'RE NOT CARY GRANT.
YOU'RE DAVID LETTERMAN FROM
INDIANA.
A PRETTY GIRL.
BELIEVE ME.
A PRETTY GIRL COMES OUT AND
THERE IS A MEETING LIKE NOBODY
DELIVERS ON TELEVISION.
YOU COME OVER HERE AND YOU PUT
YOUR ARM AROUND HER AND YOU
WHISPER IN HER EAR.
>> Dave: THAT'S RIGHT.
LITTLE WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT.
>> FOR AN INDETERMINEABLE
LENGTH OF TIME (WHISPERING)
THEN THERE'S A KISS.
THEN YOU GALLANTLY SHOW HER TO
HER SEAT.
THE FIRST TIME I SAW THAT WAS
TEN YEARS AND IT WAS JOAN
LUNDEN.
I COULDN'T WAIT TO GET TO JOAN
LUNDEN AND I SAID TO HER, WHAT
IS HE WHISPERING TO YOU IN
YOUR EAR?
AND SHE SAID YOU WANT TO KNOW?
I SAID I REALLY WANT TO KNOW.
WHAT WAS IT HE SAID?
SHE SAID HE SAID I HATE MY
TIE.
HONEST TO GOD.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Dave: BUT I WON'T LIE TO
YOU.
I'M NERVOUS.
I HAVE SOME TREPIDATIONS ABOUT
OPRAH COMING ON BECAUSE I WAS
ON HER LIST FOR 16 YEARS.
SHE WOULDN'T GIVE ME THE TIME
OF DAY.
WE CALLED HER ONCE OR TWICE A
WEEK TO TRY AND GET HER ON THE
SHOW.
WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.
NOW SHE'S COME ON.
I'M AFRAID I WILL SCREW IT UP
AND WE'LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN.
SHOULD I JUST LAY LOW AND NOT
SAY ANYTHING, JUST LET HER DO
ALL THE TALKING?
>> YES.
FIRST GIVE HER A BIG MID
WESTERN HUG.
SHE'S A MID WESTERN GAL OUT IN
CHICAGO.
YOU'RE IN INDIANA.
GIVE HER A BIG BURLY HUG.
>> Dave: BUT I DON'T WANT HER
TO MISINTERPRET THAT.
>> I DON'T THINK SHE WILL.
IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE YOU'VE
BEEN BEGGING FOR HER TO COME,
YOU'VE GOT TO EXPRESS YOURSELF
IN SOME AFFECTIONATE WAY.
>> Dave: IT'S A VERY THIN LINE
I'M GOING TO BE WALKING.
>> YOU CAN HANDLE THAT, CAN'T
YOU?
>> Dave: I DON'T KNOW.
SEE, I NEVER THOUGHT SHE WOULD
COME ON.
I NEVER HAD TO THINK ABOUT THE
POSSIBILITY OF HER BEING HERE.
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR
FIRST QUESTION IS GOING TO BE?
WHAT DID YOU DO THIS SUMMER?
YOU CAN'T GET AWAY WITH THAT.
>> Dave: WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH THAT?
>> YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE HER FEEL
AT HOME.
>> Dave: RIGHT.
>> YOU'VE GOT TO TELL HER HOW
PRETTY SHE LOOKS.
>> Dave: I'LL HANDLE ALL THAT
WHEN I GREET HER ACROSS THE
STAGE.
>> THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO
WHISPER TO HER.
>> Dave: THANK YOU SO MUCH.
YOU LOOK LOVELY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE.
>> I'M OPRAH.
NOW WE SIT DOWN.
OKAY.
LET'S GO, BABY.
( APPLAUSE )
GIVE ME YOUR FIRST QUESTION.
>> Dave: HI, OPRAH.
>> HI, DAVE.
LET'S GO.
>> Dave: NOW I CAN'T GET RID
OF THE IMAGE OF YOU SITTING
THERE INSTEAD OF OPRAH.
>> OH, THIS IS NOT GOING TO
WORK OUT.
IS IT TOO LATE TO CANCEL?
CANCEL HER!
>> Dave: SHE MAY CANCEL OF HER
OWN VOLITION.
I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO HER?
HOW'S STEADMAN?
>> SAVE STEADMAN.
WE'VE GOT TO MAKE IT MORE
ABOUT HER.
YOU DON'T REALLY CARE HOW
STEADMAN IS, DO YOU?
>> Dave: NO.
>> NO.
>> Dave: I REALLY DON'T.
YOU KNOW, I NEVER HAVE.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO ASK
HER.
I GOT IT, I GOT IT!
HOW DO YOU LIKE REGIS'
CHRISTMAS ALBUM?
YES!
I LOVE IT.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Dave: WELL, I DON'T THINK
THAT'S FAIR.
>> WHY?
>> Dave: SHE'S GOING TO COME
OUT HERE STRAIGHT OFF THE BAT
AND IS GOING TO HAVE TO LIE
ABOUT SOMETHING.
>> LOOK, LET'S FACE IT.
LET'S FACE IT.
SHE'S HERE FOR A REASON.
HER PRODUCTION.
HAVE YOU GONE OVER TO SEE IT?
MAYBE YOU COULD TALK... YOU
HAVE TO GO OVER AND SEE IT,
MAN.
>> Dave: I DON'T HAVE THAT
KIND OF TIME.
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU HAVE TO SEE IT SO YOU CAN
TALK TO HER ONE ON ONE ON HER
BIG PROJECT.
>> Dave: I SAW THE MOVIE.
SHE WAS IN THE MOVIE.
I SAW THE MOVIE.
>> YOU HAVE TO SEE THE STAGE
VERSION.
TOMORROW NIGHT I'LL SIT HERE.
YOU GO SEE THE PLAY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK IN A
MINUTE.EERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Dave: YOU KNOW, LET'S
LISTEN TO A CUT HERE FROM,
IT'S CALLED THE REGIS PHILBIN
CHRISTMAS ALBUM.
LET'S LISTEN TO A CUT.
THERE'S A SONG ON HERE YOU
SING WITH JOY.
"BABY, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE."
WHAT'S THE ONE YOU SING WITH
TRUMP?
>> I'M GOING TO DO THAT
TONIGHT FOR YOU.
RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED
REINDEER.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Dave: TRUMP IS HERE.
>> TRUMP IS HERE.
>> Dave: DOES HE OWE YOU MONEY
OR SOMETHING?
HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
>> HE'S JUST A GOOD FRIEND OF
MINE.
WE NEEDED HIM FOR THAT
PARTICULAR SONG.
>> Dave: LET'S LISTEN TO THE
CUT.
IT'S DOING VERY WELL.
>> IT'S NUMBER 83 ON THE
CHARTS.
♪ THE WEATHER OUTSIDE IS
FRIGHTFUL ♪♪♪
♪ THE FIRE IS SO DELIGHTFUL ♪♪
♪ SINCE YOU'VE GOT NO PLACE TO
GO ♪♪
♪ LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW ♪♪
(SINGING OFF KEY).
>> Dave: I THINK THAT'S IT.
THAT'S FUNNY.
>> THAT'S FUNNY.
YOU KNOW, I AM SICK AND TIRED
OF YOU DESECRATING MY ALBUM.
EVERY NIGHT THERE'S ANOTHER
PUTDOWN, A ZINGER.
ONE NIGHT YOU'RE OUT THERE
DOING YOUR CURRENT EVENTS AND
YOU HAVE SOMEBODY OUT OF THE
AUDIENCE AND YOU READ THIS
QUESTION OF THE GUY, IT SAID,
WHY IS THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
SPENDING MILLIONS AND MILLIONS
OF DOLLARS TO PROTECT IT
CITIZENS FROM THIS TERRIBLE
PLAGUE?
WHAT IS THE PLAGUE?
AND THE GUY SAID THE AVIAN
FLU.
YOU SAID, NO, THE REGIS
PHILBIN CHRISTMAS ALBUM.
NOT FUNNY.
AND THEN THERE WAS ANOTHER
ONE.
LISTEN TO THIS ONE.
>> Dave: (LAUGHING)
>> LISTEN TO THIS ONE.
HE SAYS, YEAH, TRUMP AND REGIS
MADE A CHRISTMAS ALBUM.
I DON'T KNOW HOW GOOD IT IS.
ALL I KNOW IS SHOPLIFTERS ARE
RETURNING IT.
IS THAT FUNNY?
IS THAT HUMOR?
>> Dave: (LAUGHING)
>> NOT SO FUNNY, DAVE.
>> Dave: OH, MY GOD.
OH, LORDY.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT A
COUPLE OF THINGS BEFORE WE GO
DOWN MEMORY LANE.
>> DAVE, I HATE TO GO DOWN
MEMORY LANE.
YOU KNOW THAT.
>> Dave: WE DON'T HAVE TO.
FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU'RE DOING A BIG SHOW ON NEW
YEAR'S EVE.
THE ROCKIN' REGIS NEW YEAR'S
EVE SHOW.
>> EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TO
TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
I'M GOING TO BE DOING IT THERE
FOR FOX.
>> Dave: WHAT HAPPENED TO ABC?
DICK CLARK IS COMING BACK.
>> HE'S COMING BACK.
THEM DIDN'T CALL.
ANYWAY....
>> Dave: BECAUSE LAST YEAR
WHEN HE WAS STRUCK ILL, YOU
FILLED IN.
>> I DID.
>> Dave: AND DID A TREMENDOUS
JOB.
>> THANK YOU.
( APPLAUSE )
>> YOU KNOW, THEY'RE LOOKING
TO THE FUTURE.
THANK YOU.
THEY GOT RYAN SEACREST WHO IS
THE RIGHT GUY FOR THE NEXT 30
YEARS.
>> Dave: YOU THINK SO, REALLY?
>> WHO KNOWS?
BUT ANYWAY....
>> Dave: JUST A GUY IN A
SWEATER.
>> DON'T BOTHER ME.
ANYWAY, HE'S A GOOD GUY.
>> Dave: HE'S A HAIRCUT.
>> FOX CALLS... HE'S A
HAIRCUT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
THEY CALL.
WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY NO?
>> Dave: SO YOU GET YOUR OWN
SHOW.
>> OH, YEAH.
INCIDENTALLY ABC DID CALL AND
WE'RE GOING TO BRING BACK
"THIS IS YOUR LIFE."
>> Dave: THAT'S A TREMENDOUS
PRIZE.
>> LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING
FOR ALL THE DESECRATION YOU'VE
DONE TO MY CD, I OWE YOU ONE.
>> Dave: OH, GOOD.
>> SO ONE OF THESE DAYS,
LISTEN TO ME VERY CAREFULLY,
BIG MAN.
ONE OF THESE DAYS I AM GOING
TO SAY TO YOU THESE WORDS: HI,
DAVE.
THIS IS YOUR LIFE.
RIGHT THERE.
YOU MARK MY WORDS WE'RE GOING
TO GET YOU.
>> Dave: IT WON'T HAPPEN.
IT CAN'T POSSIBLY HAPPEN.
>> WHY?
>> Dave: BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO
WORK WITH CONFEDERATES AND
INSIDERS AND I HAVE NO FRIENDS
SO HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN.
>> TAKE A GOOD LOOK AROUND.
I HAVE SOMEBODY HERE.
>> Dave: IT AIN'T GOING TO
HAPPEN.
THAT'S GREAT.
DO YOU KNOW WHO IS GOING TO BE
ON THE SHOW?
THIS IS YOUR LIFE SHOW?
>> IT'S A SURPRISE.
>> Dave: THAT'S RIGHT.
WE CAN'T TELL ANYBODY.
WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET, TO
GET ON THAT SHOW IN.
>> I'D LIKE TO GET YOU.
I REALLY WOULD.
>> Dave: THERE'S NOTHING TO
TALK ABOUT THERE.
>> YOU HAD A LIFE, DIDN'T YOU?
>> Dave: I DID ALL RIGHT.
>> YOU WERE A WEATHERMAN IN
INDIANAPOLIS.
>> Dave: RIGHT.
>> THAT WOULD BE GOOD FOR A
WHILE.
I LIKE TO GET PEOPLE THAT, YOU
KNOW, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I REALLY CAN'T SAY BECAUSE I
DON'T WANT TO ALERT THEM THAT
WE'RE THINKING ABOUT IT.
>> Dave: HOW ARE THINGS GOING
ON THE REGIS LEE, KELLY LEE
SHOW?
>> WE'RE GETTING ALONG FINE.
YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING.
>> Dave: A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY
THERE'S TROUBLE.
>> NO TROUBLE.
>> Dave: I HEAR AND PEOPLE
READ AND THEY TELL ME.
>> SHE COULDN'T BE HAPPIER.
>> Dave: REALLY?
AND HOW ABOUT YOU?
>> ME?
I JUST PLOD ALONG.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
WHOEVER IS THERE IS THERE.
>> Dave: WITH ALL DUE
RESPECT....
>> SHE'S GREAT.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING WHAT
HAPPENED.
THE LAST TIME SHE WAS HERE.
>> Dave: SHE'S BEAUTIFUL BY
THE WAY.
>> SHE IS.
VERY ATTRACTIVE.
THAT'S EVERY MORNING.
AT'S WHAT I GET.
WHAT DO YOU GET?
ANYWAY, LISTEN TO ME.
THE LAST TIME SHE WAS HERE, I
WAS SUPPOSED TO DRIVE HER
AWAY.
>> Dave: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> REMEMBER THAT?
AND IT BEGAN TO RAIN.
IT BEGAN TO RAIN.
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN REGIS IS
OUT THERE WITH THE TOP DOWN ON
A CONVERTIBLE GETTING SOAKED
IN THIS RAIN AND YOU TWO ARE
SITTING IN THERE AND I HEARD
YOU SAY TO HER, LET'S JUST SIT
HERE, KELLY AND SEE HOW LONG
IT TAKES HIM TO GET MAD.
REMEMBER THAT?
I WAS OUT THERE LIKE A FARM
ANIMAL IN THE RAIN.
>> Dave: LIKE A FARM ANIMAL.
>> LIKE A FARM ANIMAL.
>> Dave: (LAUGHING) IN THE
RAIN, YOU POOR THING.
NOW LISTEN, REG, WE HAVE TO
WRAP THIS UP BECAUSE....
>> I HAVE TO GET READY.
I HAVE TO SING.
>> Dave: YOUR BIG MUSICAL
NUMBER.
>> I'VE BEEN UP WHERE THE
MUSICIANS HANG OUT, YOU KNOW,
THESE ROCK BANDS THAT YOU HAVE
HERE.
THAT PLACE IS REALLY... I TOOK
A COUPLE OF WHIFFS.
I'M HIGH.
I'M CRAZY.
I'M WHACKED OUT.
>> Dave: OKAY.
NOW, WHEN WE....
>> EXCUSE ME.
>> Dave: WHAT IS WRONG WITH
YOU?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
I'M A MUSICIAN TONIGHT.
>> Dave: YOU'RE A MUSICIAN.
THAT'S GOOD.
YOU GO GET YOUR LITTLE BUDDY
IT'S REAL HE'LL STRANGE.■R
>> Dave: WERE YOU TRAVELING AT
ALL DURING THE HOLIDAYS?
>> YEAH, BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS.
I SORT OF DO, I DID A
PRE-EMPTIVE TRAVEL THIS YEAR
BECAUSE WITH KING KONG OPENING
UP SO CLOSE TO CHRISTMAS I'M
DOING THIS ALL THE WAY UP
UNTIL CHRISTMAS SO I DID WHAT
MY GIRLFRIEND AND I CALL THE
FAMILY TOUR, 2005.
I WENT TO NEW MEXICO TO VISIT
HER FAMILY.
>> Dave: DID YOU HAVE JACKETS
MADE UP.
>> T-SHIRTS, WE GOT ALL THE
CITYS ON THE BACK, YOU KNOW.
FANTASTIC.
WE WENT TO NEW MEXICO TO VISIT
HER FAMILY.
>> Dave: IT'S GREAT THERE.
>> GORGEOUS, VERY GORGEOUS.
WENT TO SACRAMENTO MY
HOMETOWN.
WHAT WAS WEIRD WAS IN BETWEEN
I WENT TO OKLAHOMA CITY.
I DON'T HAVE FAMILY IN
OKLAHOMA CITY.
>> Dave: REALLY?
>> NO, I WAS ASKED BY THE
GOVERNOR TO EMCEE LIKE A SAFE
SCHOOLS SUMMIT.
>> Dave: THAT'S QUITE AN
HONOR.
>> FOR HIGH SCHOOLS.
IT WAS VERY COOL.
I MEAN, I WAS THE EMCEE IN
FRONT OF 10,000 HIGH SCHOOL
KIDS.
>> Dave: BOY, OH, BOY.
>> YEAH, THERE WAS NOTHING
LIKE THAT FOR MY HIGH SCHOOL.
LIKE WE HAD GUYS, PROFESSIONAL
HACKY SACKERS COME TO MY HIGH
SCHOOL.
>> Dave: OH, THOSE GUYS?
>> YEAH.
IT WAS SORRY KIDS DON'T DO
DRUGS.
NOW WATCH THIS HACKY SACK.
>> Dave: THAT WOULD TAKE THE
PLACE OF THE....
>> EXACTLY.
BUT WHAT WAS GREAT THAT FOR
P.E., FOR LIKE THE NEXT WEEK,
WE GOT TO HACKY SACK.
IT COULD BE SIT-UPS OR DODGE
BALL.
>> Dave: IT WAS ALL THE CRAZE
FOR ABOUT A WEEK.
>> IT WAS.
IT WAS A CRAZE FOR ME ABOUT A
DAY AND THEN I BROKE MY WRIST.
>> Dave: HACKY SACKING?
>> YES.
>> Dave: REALLY?
>> THE SPORT IN WHICH YOU KICK
THE BALL WITH YOUR FIST AND I
FRACTURED MY WRIST.
>> Dave: OH, MY GOD.
>> I GOT A LITTLE TOO EXCITED
AND I FELL BACKWARDS AND
FRACTURED MY WRIST.
>> Dave: AN UGLY STORY.
>> WELL, WHAT MADE IT EVEN
MORE UGLY WAS THAT THE GYM
TEACHER THEN MADE LIKE A
MAKESHIFT SPLINT USING
CARDBOARD AND A BROWN PAPER
TOWEL AND I JUST SORT OF
WALKED AROUND, "I FRACTURED MY
WRIST.
HACKY SACK."
IT WAS REALLY....
>> Dave: BEFORE WE GO TO
COMMERCIAL I JUST WANT TO
MENTION ONE THING.
IT'S NO SECRET YOUR FATHER IS,
OF COURSE, TOM HANKS.
I KNOW HE'S HERE TONIGHT.
>> YES.
>> Dave: HE'S IN THE GREEN
ROOM.
>> THERE IS YOUR DAD, TOM,
RIGHT THERE.
TOM HANKS, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
>> HE HAD NOTHING ELSE TO DO.
>> Dave: AND ORIGINALLY WE
WERE GOING TO HAVE HIM COME
OUT AND TALK TO HIM BUT WE'RE
RUNNING VERY LATE.
TOM, THANK YOU.
I'M SORRY WE'RE NOT GOING TO
HAVE A CHANCE TO TALK TO YOU
TONIGHT.
I'M SORRY.
MAYBE ANOTHER TIME.
WE'RE TALKING TO COLIN.
SETTLE DOWN.
IT WILL BE ALL RIGHT.
WE'RE TALKING TO YOUR SON.
JUST RELAX.
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT A HOT HEAD.
>> Dave: HERE WE GO.
THIS IS WHAT WE'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR.
WITH A SPECIAL PERFORMANCE
FROM THE REGIS PHILBIN
CHRISTMAS ALBUM, DO ME A FAVOR,
PLEASE WELCOME REGIS PHILBIN
AND DONALD TRUMP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
HAD A VERY SHINY NOSE
♪ AND IF YOU EVER SAW IT
YOU WOULD EVEN SAY IT GLOWS
♪ ALL OF THE OTHER REINDEER
USED TO LAUGH AND CALL HIM NAMES
♪ THEY NEVER LET POOR RUDOLPH
PLAY IN ANY REINDEER GAMES
♪ THEN ONE FOGGY CHRISTMAS EVE
SANTA CAME TO SAY
♪ RUDOLPH WITH YOUR NOSE SO
BRIGHT
♪ WON'T YOU GUIDE MY SLEIGH
TONIGHT
♪ THEN ALL THE REINDEER LOVED
HIM
♪ AS THEY SHOUTED OUT WITH GLEE
♪ RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
YOU'LL GO DOWN IN HISTORY.
♪♪
♪ THEN ONE FOGGY CHRISTMAS EVE
THE TRUMPSTER CAME TO SAY
♪ YOU KNOW RUDOLPH
♪ THEN ALL THE REINDEER LOVED
HIM
♪ AS THEY SHOUTED OUT WITH GLEE
♪ RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
YOU'LL GO DOWN IN HISTORY.
RUDOLPH, WHAT YOU DOING OUT
THERE?
RUDOLPH, COME IN HERE, MEET
EVERYBODY
MEET THE BIG MAN OVER THERE.
THAT'S DAVE, DAVE LETTERMAN,
SURE.
♪ RUDOLPH
YOU'LL GO DOWN IN HISTORY
♪ RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED
REINDEER
>> EVERY NIGHT ALAN IS THE
GUY.
♪ RUDOLPH, YOU'LL GO DOWN IN
HISTORY ♪♪
HEY, RUDOLPH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
OPRAH'S COMING.
RUDOLPH, WE'RE NOT WORTHY.