THANK YOU.

I JUST GOT HERE.

YOU KNOW, THE BIG... YOU EVER

THINK ABOUT THIS?

LIKE IN OCTOBER THEY GO OUT TO

SOME FARMER, AND THIS REALLY

UPSETS ME, THEY FIND A TREE

THAT'S 100 YEARS OLD, AND THEY

GO OUT TO SOME FARMER AND GIVE

HIM $40 FOR THE TREE.

THEN THEY SAY YOU'LL BE FAMOUS

BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO PUT YOUR

TREE AT ROCKEFELLER PLAZA AND

THAT WILL BE THE BIG CHRISTMAS

TREE.

SO THE FARMER GETS ALL EXCITED

BECAUSE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE

FAMOUS.

>> Paul: SURE.

>> Dave: THAT $40 IS BURNING A

HOLE IN ANYBODY'S POCKET.

( LAUGHTER )

THEN THEY HAUL THE THING DOWN,

AND THEN... BUT YOU FWHEFER HEAR

WHAT HAPPENS TO THE TREE WHEN

THE HOLIDAYS ARE FINISHED.

DO YOU?

>> Paul: I NEVER THOUGHT OF

THAT.

>> Dave: EXACTLY.

>> Paul: WHAT DOES HAPPEN TO

THE TREE?

>> Dave: I'LL SHOW YOU.

WE HAVE PHOTOGRAPH OF WHAT THEY

DO WITH THE ROCKEFELLER PLAZA

CHRISTMAS TREE AT THE END OF THE

HOLIDAY SEASON.

TAKE A LOOK, WATCH THIS, THERE

IT IS, RIGHT THERE.

( LAUGHTER )

AND THEN SOMEBODY WILL COME AND

PICK IT UP.

( APPLAUSE )

>> Paul: SO THAT'S WHAT THEY

DO.

>> Dave: OUT OF THE 364 BAD

DAY, THIS WOULD BE ONE OF THEM.

>> Paul: I WOULD SAY, YES.

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE,

HOW MANY OF YOU FOLKS ARE ON A

NO-CARB DIET?

HOW MANY OF YOU FOLKS DON'T LEAD

ANY CARBS?

THAT'S A LOAD OF CRAP THAT DIET.

>> Paul: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT?

>> Dave: IF YOU BREAK DOWN

FOODS TWO THREE CATEGORY, FOODS

THAT ARE SO-SO, FOODS THAT TASTE

GOOD, FOODS THAT ARE REALLY

TASTY, ALL YOUR CATEGORY REALLY

TASTY ARE CARBS.

THAT OTHER STUFF IS WASTE OF

TIME.

I EAT NOTHING BUT CARBS.

>> Paul: NOTHING BUT CARBS?

>> Dave: NOTHING BUT

CARBOHYDRATES.

>> Paul: YOU'RE SKINNY AS A

RAIL.

>> Dave: LOOK AT THAT.

>> Paul: HOW DO YOU DO IT?

LOOK AT THAT.

>> Dave: NOTHING BUT

CARBOHYDRATES.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THANK YOU.

AND, AND ALSO I'M ON STEROIDS.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Paul: WELL, THAT, I'VE

KNOWN THAT FOR YEARS.

YOU LOVE THEM.

>> Dave: THEY GIVE ME THAT

COMPETITIVE EDGE.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE ASTERISK.

I ENJOY THEM.

>> Paul: YOU MEAN THE SMALL

PRINT?

>> Dave: YEAH, I DON'T CARE.

>> Paul: I SEE.

( APPLAUSE )

>> Dave: LET ME SEE.

DO WE HAVE A PHOTOGRAPH OF ME

BEFORE THE STEROIDS?

YOU WON'T... LOOK AT THAT.

LOOK AT THAT.

LOOK HOW PATHETIC I LOOKED.

>> Paul: PATHETICMENT

>> Dave: THAT WAS BEFORE THE

STEROIDS.

WOULD YOU WATCH THAT GUY'S TV

SHOW?

>> Paul: DO YOU HAVE AN AFTER?

>> Dave: HERE I AM AFTER THE

STEROIDS.

LOOK AT THAT, JUST TREMENDOUS.

>> Paul: WHOA, YES.

( APPLAUSE )

YOU ARE.

>> Dave: CARBS AND STEROIDS.

OH, BY THE WAY, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR... THIS

IS THE FIRST TIME WE'VE DONE IT

THIS YEAR.

I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE EVER DONE

THIS ONE BEFORE.

GEORGE W. BUSH COMES CLEAN.

>> Paul: OH.

>> Dave: GEORGE W. BUSH, OUR

PRESIDENT, HAS SOMETHING TO TELL

YOU.

>> Paul: REALLY?

>> I'M NOT DOING A VERY GOOD

JOB.

( LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE )

COX-2 INHIBITOR, WHOA.

>> Paul: THAT'S HIS

RESOLUTION.

>> Dave: MY RESOLUTION IS TO

USE IN CONVERSATION HERE ON THE

SHOW MORE FREQUENTLY THE WORD

"SNARKY."

>> Paul: YOU MENTIONED THAT

LAST MONDAY.

>> Dave: I'M TRYING TO WORK IT

IN MORE FREQUENTLY.

>> Paul: HOW'S IT GOING?

>> Dave: NOT SO GOOD, BUT IT'S

EARLY AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW THE

DAY GOES UNTIL YOU SEE THE

SUNSET.

QUEEN ELIZABETH, FINALLY MASTER

THE GRANSD THEFT AUTO.

THAT'S HER RESOLUTION.

PAUL, THAT WOULD BE THE CROWN.

SHE'S WEARING THE CROWN.

>> Paul: THAT IS

>> Dave: THAT'S THE QUEEN, THE

ROYAL JEWELRY AND STUFF.

HOW OFTEN DO YOU SUPPOSE SHE

WEARS THE CROWN?

>> Paul: SHE WEARS IT ON ALL

MATTERS OF CROWN, CROWN MATTERS.

( LAUGHTER )

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Dave: ARE YOU RUNNING A

FEVER?

>> Paul: SOMETHING SEEMS TO BE

WRONG WITH ME?

I'M FINE.

>> Dave: YOU'RE FINE.

MICHAEL MOORE, MAKE HARD-HITTING

DOCUMENTARY FILM ON WHY PANTS

NEVER SEEM TO FIT FOR TOO LONG.

( APPLAUSE )

SEE THAT S ON HIS HAT THERE

>> Paul: WHAT COULD THAT STAND

FOR?

>> Dave: SNARKY.

>> Paul: YOU'VE DONE

THAT'S HIS CELEBRITY RESOLUTION.

( APPLAUSE )

MULLAH OMAR, MULLAH OMAR, HIS

RESOLUTION, CUT BACK ON SWEETS.

>> Paul: WAIT A MINUTE.

THAT WAS FUNNY UNTIL DIFFERENT

WORDS CAME UP.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Dave: WHAT HAPPENED?

WHAT DID I SAY?

I SAID CUT BACK ON SWEETS.

>> Paul: THAT'S FUNNY.

>> Dave: WHAT DID MIEW

>> Paul: YOUR'S IS FUNNIER.

>> Dave: THANK YOU.

>> Paul: CUT BACK ON SWEETS.

>> Dave: ALL RIGHT.

CELEBRITY RESOLUTIONS.

( LAUGHTER )

IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING, AND I

FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE...

( LAUGHTER )

ALEX TREBEK, CELEBRITY

RESOLUTIONS, ALEX TREBEK, HE'S

GOING TO CUT BACK ON SWEETS.

( LAUGHTER )

BUT HE'S... NO, THERE HE IS.

GOING TO FINALLY RECONCILE WITH

HIS LONG-ESTRANGED MOUSTACHE.

>> Paul: THAT WAS PROBABLY

RIGHT FOR ALEX TREBEK.

>> Dave: HAD A LITTLE SWITCHER

ARE THERE.

A LITTLE ?AF TOO.

>> Paul: SNARKY.

>> Dave: HALLE BERRY, SLEEP

WITH THE HUNKY DAVE LETTERMAN.

THAT'S WHAT SHE'S GOING TO DO.

I'M GOING TO... I'M GOING TO

HAVE TO GO TO THE JUDGE ON THIS.

IS THERE ANY POINT IN

CONTINUING?

EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE OUT OF

WHACK TONIGHT.

>> I'VE NOTICED THAT.

>> Dave: AS HOST, WHAT SHOULD

I DO?

I WANT THE HANDLE THIS IN THE

MOST GRACIOUS WAY POSSIBLE.

>> WE'RE DOUBLE CHECKING RIGHT

NOW.

>> Dave: YOU'RE GOING TO

DOUBLE CHECK.

SO AGAIN, WHAT DO I DO WHILE

YOU'RE DOUBLE CHECKING?

WHAT EXACTLY DO I DO?

( APPLAUSE )

>> WE'RE WAITING FOR YOU TO

CONTINUE.

YOU MAY CONTINUE.

>> Dave: I MAY CONTINUE.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Paul: CONTINUE AT YOUR OWN

RISK.

( APPLAUSE )

>> Dave: CELEBRITY

RESOLUTIONS.

ME, DAVE LETTERMAN, CREATE

INGENIOUS PLAN TO SEDUCE HALLE

BERRY.

( APPLAUSE )

THIS WAS AFTER DOUBLE CHECKING.

( LAUGHTER )

I WAS GIVEN THE GROAN LIGHT.

>> Paul: GO AHEAD.

>> Dave: SORRY.

>> ONE MORE TIME.

>> Dave: TRY IT UP WITH MORE

TIME... THE ONE I JUST DID?

>> Paul: GOING TO GET A BIG

REACTION.

>> Dave: IT'S GOING TO BE HUGE

WHEN THEY SEE THIS ONE.

DAVE LETTERMAN, CREATE INGENIOUS

PLAN TO SEDUCE HALLE BERRY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

TOM BRO CAUTIOUS, OUR GOOD

FRIEND TOM BROKAW.

HE'S RETIRED.

>> Paul: THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Dave: HIS RESOLUTION, SIT

ON HIS ASS, DRINK BEER AND WATCH

THE NEW GUY SCREW UP.

( APPLAUSE )

GEORGE W. BUSH, PARE DOWN

GRILLING FOUR-HOUR-A-WEEK

SCHEDULE.

FUNNY WE HAVE TO PROBLEM WITH

THE ONES THAT AREN'T FUNNY.

YOU NOTICE THAT?

>> Paul: YEAH.

>> Dave: YEAH.

COURTNEY LOVE, NOT GOING TO DO A

DAMN THING DIFFERENTLY.

( APPLAUSE )

GET READY.

FINALLY, RON ARTEST, SOMEONE

BREAKS A RESOLUTION, THEY GET

THE CRAP KICKED OUT OF THEM.

♪ CELEBRITY RESOLUTIONS

YOU KNOW, EVERY NOW AND THEN A

TELEVISION PROGRAM COMES ALONG

THAT JUST SHAKES THE COUNTRY AND

GETS EVERYBODY'S ATTENTION AND

THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IS TALKING

ABOUT IT, SO IT SEEMS.

>> Paul: YES.

>> Dave: YOU KNOW WHAT I'M

TALKING ABOUT?

>> Dave: LONELY HOUSEWIVES.

>> Paul: DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES.

>> Dave: WHAT IS IT?

>> Paul: DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES.

>> Dave: HOW MANY OF YOU FOLKS

WATCH DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES.

>> Paul: EVERYBODY'S TALKING

ABOUT THAT.

>> Dave: IT'S EXCITING.

WHAT THEY DO IS PUT A BUNCH OF

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES IN A HOUSE.

>> Paul: YES.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Dave: AND THEN WE GET TO

SEE ALL OF THEIR ACTIVITIES.

>> Paul: THAT'S HOW IT IS?

>> Dave: YEAH.

IT'S EXCITING AND PEOPLE LOVE

IT.

OUR OWN ALAN KALTER IS IN A SHOW

SIMILAR.