THAT'S THE BIG PROGRAM FOR YOU.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I

HAVE HERE ON THE -- OOOP, I JUST

HUNG UP ON HIM, BOY, THAT'S A

MISTAKE.

>> Paul: OH NO!

>> Dave: ANYWAY T IS THE VOICE

OF THE KENTUCKY DERBY, DAVE

JOHNSON.

AND THIS IS THE 1 31st RUNNING

OF THE KENTUCKY DERBY.

AND AS YOU KNOW THE BEST PART

ABOUT WATCHING THE DERBY WHEN

THIS GUY DOES THE CALL, AND HE

COMES TO MAKE THE FINAL TURN AND

YOU HEAR THIS GUY SCREAMING, AND

DOWN THE SPRINT THEY COME!

>> Paul: THAT IS IT.

>> Dave: THAT'S RIGHT.

AND IF YOU ARE ANYTHING LIKE ME,

GOD FORBID --

(LAUGHTER)

>> Dave: WHEN YOU HEAR THIS YOU

ARE SO EXCITED YOU ARE JUMPING

UP AND DOWN ON THE COUCH.

>> Paul: I'M LIKE YOU.

>> Dave: YEAH, THANK YOU.

AND WE HAVE HIM ON THE PHONE

RIGHT HERE.

HEY, DAVE, HOW ARE YOU DOING.

>> GREAT, DAVE, HOW ARE YOU?

>> I'M FINE.

ARE YOU ALL EXCITED ABOUT THE

DERBY?

>> I WAITED FOR THIS DAY FOR A

YEAR.

>> Dave: LET ME ASK YOU, IS IT

THE MOST EXCITING TWO MINUTES IN

SPORTS?

>> YES.

>> Dave: AND THIS WILL BE THE

1341s.

>> YES, AND I HAVEN'T BEEN THERE

FOR ALL OF THEM.

>> Dave: HOW MANY HAVE YOU BEEN

THERE FOR.

>> 29 OR 30.

>> Dave: AND WHO IS THE

FAVOURITE.

>> THE FAVOURITE IS BELLAMI ROAD

THE HORSE THAT GEORGE

STEINBRENNER OWNS.

>> Dave: I SEE.

AND DO YOU HAVE MONEY ON THE

EVENT?

>> ALWAYS.

>> Dave: HOW MUCH WILL YOU BET

TOMORROW?

>> SAME AS YOU, DAVE, SAME AS

LAST YEAR.

>> Dave: A MILLION?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Dave: YOU KNOW WHY WE CALLED,

DAVID.

>> Dave: .

>> OH, YEAH.

>> Dave: AND I DON'T WANT

ANYTHING, DON'T LAY BACK ON ME

HERE.

>> OKAY.

>> Dave: DON'T GET COLD FEET.

LET ME DO IT FIRST AND I WANT

YOU TO EMULATE WHAT I'M DOING.

>> OKAY.

>> Dave: AND DOWN THE TRACK THEY

COME!

YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING.

>> YES, DAVE.

>> Dave: YOU CAN DO THAT?

>> I CAN.

>> Dave: NOW YOU WILL SET UP A

LITTLE BIT OF A HYPOTHETICAL

HORSE RACE AND THEY MAKE THE

TURN AND THEN TAKE IT AWAY, HERE

WE GO, DAVE JOHNSON, GET READY

FOR REAL FUN, GET READY TO START

JUMPING UP AND DOWN ON YOUR

COUCH.

>> COMING FOR HOME T IS BELLAMI

ROAD STILL IN FRONT, CHARGING UP

ON THE OUTSIDE, HERE COMES HIGH

FLY AND HE SQUEEZES BETWEEN,

BADINI IS COMING ON.

AND DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: YEAH!

YEAH!

YEAH TO GO!

WAY TO GO!

BOY, YOU GOT ALL OF THAT ONE,

DAVE.

>> THANKS, DAVE.

>> Dave: HAVE A GREAT RACE.

>> THANKS, GOOD LUCK.

>> Dave: NICE CHATTING WITH

USE)

>> Dave: HOW ABOUT THAT?

YOU HOP UP ON THAT COUCH AND DIP

AND CHIPS GO FLYING!

AND DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME!

I WISH WE COULD USE THAT PHRASE

IN EVERY BIG LEAGUE SPORT.

>> Paul: I KNOW.

USE)ave: WOULDN'T IT BE FUN?

>> Dave: NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS

LAST WEEKEND, PRESIDENT BUSH MET

WITH SAUDI CROWN PRINCE ABDULLAH

DOWN IN CREWFORD, TEXAS, THERE

IS THE PRESIDENT AND CROWN

PRINCE, SEE THAT PHOTOGRAPH,

THEY ARE WALKING, DOES THAT LOOK

ODD TO YOU, THEY ARE WALKING

HAND-IN-HAND.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS UNUSUAL.

AND THEN LATER, LOOK, THEY WERE

PHOTOGRAPHED -- WHOA

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: AND HERE NOW IS THE

PHOTOGRAPH I FOUND MOST

DISTURBING.

LOOK AT THIS ONE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Dave: WHOA, NELLY!

>> Dave: CRAZY!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Dave: OKAY, THE 1 31st

RUNNING OF THE KENTUCKY DERBY AS

WE MENTIONED TAKES PLACE

TOMORROW.

AND THAT'S THE INSPIRATION FOR A

NEW SEGMENT WE CALL "JOKES FOR

JOCKEYS"

HOW TIMELY IS THIS.

>> Paul: JOKES FOR JOCKEYS.

>> Dave: A BRAND-NEW SEGMENT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE

WELCOME ARTHUR TRAVIS,

COMMISSIONER OF THE NATIONAL

THOROUGHBRED RACING ASSOCIATION.

Mr. TRAVIS, WHERE IS HE?

THERE HE IS, Mr. TRAVIS.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: JOKES FOR JOCKEYS.

ALL RIGHT, TAKE IT AWAY,

Mr. TRAVIS, ANY TIME ARE YOU

READY, JOKES FOR JOCKEYS, HERE

WE GO.

>> WHAT IS THE HARDEST TIME TO

WIN A HORSE RACE?

12:31 BECAUSE IT IS 29 TO 1.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

Mr. TRAVIS.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: ALL RIGHT, IS HE GONE

FOR THE LOVE OF -- ALL RIGHT,

GET HIM OUT OF -- GET YOUR OWN

SHOW.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Dave: NOW TODAY MAY 6th IS

THE 68th ANNIVERSARY OF THE HIND

ENBERG DISASTER, TONIGHT WE ARE

GOING TO MARK THAT ANNIVERSARY

WITH ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF

SOMETHING CALLED "IT'S NOT SO

BAD WITH FUNNY MUSIC"

[♪♪♪]

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: TOO BAD.

>> Dave: PERHAPS THIS SEGMENT

COULD BE HELPED WITH FUNNY

MUSIC.

>> Paul: I KNOW, WELL -- TRYING.

>> Dave: IT WOULDN'T BE SO BAD.

>> Paul: WE'RE TRYING OVER HERE.

>> Dave: NO, YOU ARE FINE.

>> Paul: WE PLAYED SOME

HILARIOUS THINGS.

>> AND FINALLY MOTHER'S DAY IS

THIS WEEKEND SO WE ASKED OUR

ANNOUNCER TO SAY A FEW WORDS,

ALAN, TAKE IT AWAY, SIR.

>> THANK YOU, DAVE.

NOW THIS SUNDAY IS THE DAY WE

HONOR THE TIRELESS WOMEN WHOSE

SOOTHING WORDS WOULD COAX US

BACK TO SLEEP AFTER A NIGHTMARE.

THE WOMEN WHO DRY OUR TEARS

AFTER A SKINNED KNEE.

THE WOMEN WHO WOULD GIVE US A

SHINNY NICKEL NOT TO TELL DADDY

ABOUT Mr. WATKINS, THE GARDENER.

THE WOMEN WHO PLOP US IN FRONT

OF THE TELEVISION EVERY

AFTERNOON TO SHUT US UP WHILE

SHE GOT LOST IN A BOTTLE OF

CUDDYSARK.

THE WOMEN WHO ARRANGED FOR TRIPS

TO A SPECIALIST WHEN OUR

BEDWETTING PERSISTED THROUGH

COLLEGE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> THE BIM WHO PUT US IN DRESSES

TO TRY TO FORCE US TO BECOME THE

DAUGHTER SHE NEVER HAD.

WHAT KIND OF SADDISTIC SHREW

PUTS A STRAPPING HIGH SCHOOL BOY

IN A DRESS?

WHY DON'T YOU GET THE GARDENER

TO TAKE YOU TO -- RED -- LOBSTER

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: THAT IS KIND OF AN UGLY

ECK.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL, YOU

PUNK!

NOW, ANGIE, WHAT IS YOUR TRICK

FOR US TONIGHT, YOUR STUPID

HUMAN TRICK.

>> I CAN MAKE A SOUND JUST LIKE

A CAR ALARM GOING OFF.

>> Dave: REALLY?

>> YES.

>> Dave: WOW!.

AND DO I NEED TO TICKLE YOU OR

ANYTHING.

>> NOPE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Dave: THAT'S TOO BAD.

ALL RIGHT.

ANYTHING YOU NEED FROM THE BAND?

>> NOTHING, NOTHING.

>> Dave: OKAY, ANGIE GREEN GOING

TO MAKE THE SOUND OF A CAR ALARM

BEING SET OFF.

TAKE AWAY.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

(APPLAUSE)

I.

>> Dave: VERY NICE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Dave: TAKE A LOOK AT THAT IN

SLOW MOTION INSTANT REPLAY.

THERE SHE IS.

YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT

ANY PUNKS, ANGIE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, TRAVEL

SAFELY BACK TO COLORADO, NICE

MEET YOU, ANGIE GREEN,

KEEP MOVING ALONG HERE.

ADAM, WHAT IS YOUR TRICK FOR US

TONIGHT.

>> I CAN DO PUSH-UPS IN TO HAND

STANDS WITHOUT USING MY FEET.

>> Dave: LET'S GO THROUGH THIS,

YOU WILL DO PUSH-UPS AND THEN

FROM A PUSH-UP IT IS A HAND

STAND AND NO FEET INVOLVED.

>> NO FEET INVOLVED.

>> Dave: .

>> THEY ARE STILL ATTACHED TO MY

BODY BUT I WON'T USE MY FEET TO

GET MYSELF UP OFF THE GROUND.

>> Dave: BUT USING YOUR FEET FOR

THE PUSH-UP.

>> NO, I LAY FLAT ON THE FLOOR

ON MY STOMACH AND JUST USING MY

ARMS I PRESS STRAIGHT UP INTO A

HAND STAND, COME BACK DOWN, NO

OTHER PART OF PIE BODY TOUCHES

THE GROUND AND I GO BACK UP AND

DO THIS THREE TIMES.

>> THAT CAN'T BE DONE.

(LAUGHTER)

ARE YOU READY?

>> I'M READY.

>> Dave: MUSIC, DRUMROLL, WHAT

DO YOU WANT.

>> A DRUMROLL PLEASE.

>> Dave: TAKE IT A WHAT.

ADAM BROWN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

FROM VICTORIA, BRITISH COLUMBIA.

LET'S SEE WHAT THIS IS?

WHOA!

WHOA!

>> Paul: WOW!

>> Dave: OH MY GOD.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: UNBELIEVABLE.

UNBELIEVABLE!

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

>> I TOUCHED THE GROUND.

>> Dave: LOOK AT THAT.

THIS JUST AN AMAZING, AND FOR A

SECOND THERE I THOUGHT MAYBE A