MY NAME IS JOE WONG.

BUT, TO MOST PEOPLE I AM KNOWN

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

AND THE ANSWER TO MY CREDIT CARD

[LAUGHTER]

YOU ARE LOOKING AT A SIDE AND I

WANT TO REASSURE EVERYBODY THAT

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES ARE

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN I WAS IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL,

AS PART OF THE CURRICULUM, I HAD

TO WORK IN A RICE PADDY RIGHT

NEXT TO A QUARRY WHERE THEY USED

EXPLOSIVE TO BREAK ROCKS.

AND THAT IS WHERE I LEARNED THAT

[LAUGHTER]

WHICH IS ALMOST AS SLOW AS A

[LAUGHTER]

MY DAD WAS A GRUMPY GUY BUT

OCCASIONALLY HE WOULD TRY TO

CHEER ME UP WITH JOKES.

BUT HE DOESN'T DO IT RIGHT.

WHEN I WAS SEVEN 71 DAY HE SAID

TO ME, HERE SON, WHY IS TOFU

BETTER THAN CENTRALIZED

[LAUGHTER]

SO FIVE MINUTES LATER I SAID,

WHY?

[LAUGHTER]

I CAME TO THE UNITED STATES WHEN

I WAS 24 TO STUDY AT RICE

[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

UNTIL NOW.

AND I WAS USED TO SEEING CARS

WITH A LOT OF BUMPER STICKERS

OFF.

ONE OF THEM SAID, IF YOU DON'T

[LAUGHTER]

AND I DIDN'T NOTICE FOR TWO

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE MANY OTHER IMMIGRANTS, WE

WANTED OUR SON TO BECOME THE

PRESIDENT OF THIS COUNTRY AND WE

TRY TRIED TO MAKE HIM A LINGUAL,

CHINESE AT HOME AND ENGLISH IN

THE PUBLIC WHICH IS REALLY TOUGH

TO DO BECAUSE MANY TIMES AS I

SAID TO HIM IN PUBLIC, HEY

LISTEN IF YOU DON'T SPEAK

[LAUGHTER]

HE WOULD SAY TO ME HEY DAD, WHY

DO I HAVE TO LEARN TWO

LANGUAGES?

I SAID SUN, ONCE YOU BECOME THE

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,

YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO SIGN

LEGISLATIVE BILLS AND ENGLISH

AND TALK TO DEBT COLLECTORS IN

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN I GRADUATED FROM RICE I

DECIDED TO STAY IN THE UNITED

STATES, BECAUSE IN CHINA I CAN'T

DO THAT THING THE THING I DO

[LAUGHTER]

AND IN ORDER FOR ME TO BECOME A

U.S. CITIZEN I HAD TO TAKE

AMERICAN HISTORY LESSONS, WHERE

THEY ASKED US QUESTIONS LIKE,

WHO IS BENJAMIN FRANKLIN?

WE ARE LIKE, THE REASON OUR

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT WAS THE SECOND AMENDMENT?

WE WERE LIKE-- THE REASON OUR

[APPLAUSE]

WHAT IS ROE VERSUS WADE?

TWO WAYS OF COMING TO THE UNITED

[LAUGHTER]

LATER ON, I READ SO MUCH ABOUT

AMERICAN HISTORY THAT I STARTED

[LAUGHTER]

IN AMERICA THEY SAY ALL MEN ARE

CREATED EQUAL BUT AFTER BIRTH,

IT KIND OF DEPENDS ON THE

PARENTS INCOME OR EDUCATION OR

[APPLAUSE]

I READ IN MEN'S HEALTH MAGAZINE

THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA EVERY WEEK

HAS TWO CARDIO DAYS AND TWO

WEIGHTLIFTING DAYS.

YOU SEE I DON'T HAVE TO EXERCISE

[LAUGHTER]

I LIVE IN MASSACHUSETTS NOW,

WHERE WE HAVE UNIVERSAL HEALTH

CARE, THEN WE ELECTED SCOTT

BROWN.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK THERE WAS A MOVIE ABOUT

HIM.

[LAUGHTER]

I AM HONORED TO MEET VICE

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN HERE TONIGHT

I ACTUALLY READ YOUR

AUTOBIOGRAPHY.

TODAY I SEE YOU.

[APPLAUSE]

THEY SHOULD HAVE HAD RED PIT OR

[LAUGHTER]

SO TO BE HONEST I WAS HONORED TO

BE HERE TONIGHT AND I HAVE

PREPARED FOR MONTHS FOR TONIGHT

SHOW.

I SHOWED MY WIFE -- MATT THE

WHITE HOUSE BY JOKES ABOUT OBAMA

AND THAT IS WHY HE DECIDED NOT

TO COME.

TAKE THAT STEPHEN COLBERT.

PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS ALWAYS BEEN

ACCUSED OF BEING TOO SOFT, BUT

HE WAS CONDUCTING TWO WARS AND

THEY STILL GAVE HIM THE NOBEL

PEACE PRIZE.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

ACTUALLY, I AM THINKING THE ONLY

WAY YOU CAN BE MORE BAD THAN

THAT IS IF YOU TAKE THE NOBEL

PEACE PRIZE MONEY AND GIVE IT TO

[LAUGHTER]

JOURNAL IS HERE TONIGHT

JOURNALIST HERE TONIGHT WHO I

[LAUGHTER]

BECAUSE I USED TO WRITE FOR THE

CAMPUS NEWSPAPER.

I THINK JOURNALISM IS THE LAST

REFUGE FOR PUNS.

ONLY IN THE NEWSPAPER CAN YOU

SAY THINGS LIKE, I WAS BORN IN

THE YEAR OF THE HORSE AND THAT

[LAUGHTER]

TONIGHT IS MY FIRST TIME ON

C-SPAN, WHICH IS A CHANNEL I

OBVIOUSLY ALWAYS WATCH.

THE SENSATIONALISM AND

[APPLAUSE]

IF I CAN STILL FALL ASLEEP AFTER

WATCHING C-SPAN, THERE IS

[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SO I BECAME A U.S. CITIZEN IN

2008, WHICH I AM REALLY HAPPY

[APPLAUSE]

AMERICA IS NUMBER ONE.

THAT IS TRUE.

BECAUSE WE WON THE WORLD SERIES

[LAUGHTER]

AFTER BECOMING A U.S. CITIZEN, I

IMMEDIATELY REGISTERED TO VOTE

FOR OBAMA AND BIDEN.

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WAS THEIR SLOGAN.

SO, AFTER GETTING OBAMA AND

BIDEN ELECTED, I FELT THIS POWER

TRIP.

AND I STARTED TO THINK, MAYBE I

SHOULD RUN FOR PRESIDENT MYSELF.

I HAVE TO TAKE A STEP BACK AND

EXPLAIN A LITTLE BIT, BECAUSE I

HAD ALWAYS BEEN A PESSIMISTIC

GUY.

I FELT THAT LIFE IS KIND OF LIKE

BEING INTO THE SNOW ON A DARK

WINTER NIGHT.

YOU PROBABLY MADE A DIFFERENCE

[LAUGHTER]

NOW WE HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO IS

HALF BLACK, HALF WHITE.

IT JUST GIVES ME A LOT OF HOPE

BECAUSE I AM HALF NOT LACK IN

[LAUGHTER]

TWO NEGATIVES MAKE A POSITIVE.

YOU MAY BE SAYING HEY, WHAT

WOULD BE YOUR CAMPAIGN SLOGAN?

YOU SEE, I SPENT 10 YEARS IN THE

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY.

I UNDERSTAND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

ARE SUFFERING, SO MY CAMPAIGN

[LAUGHTER]

IF ELECTED I WILL MAKE SAME-SEX

MARRIAGE NOT ONLY LEGAL BUT

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WILL GET ME THE YOUTH VOTE.

YOU SEE I AM MARRIED NOW BUT I

MARRIAGE.

I WAS LIKE WOW, 50% OF ALL

MARRIAGES END UP LASTING

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WILL ELIMINATE

UNEMPLOYMENT IN THIS COUNTRY BY

REDUCING THE PRODUCTIVITY OF THE

AMERICAN WORKFORCE.

SO, TO PEOPLE WILL HAVE TO DO

THE WORK OF ONE, JUST LIKE THE

PRESIDENT AND THE VICE

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

AND DESPITE OUR DISEASE OF

CANCER, MOST AMERICANS DIE OF

NATURAL CAUSES, SO IF ELECTED, I

WILL FIND A CURE FOR NATURAL

[LAUGHTER]

YOU SEEMED TO LIKE THAT ONE.

BUT YOU WON'T BE COVERED BY

HEALTH INSURANCE THOUGH.

BECAUSE OF PREEXISTING

CONDITIONS.

AND I HAVE A QUICK SOLUTION FOR

GLOBAL WARMING.

[LAUGHTER]

IT WAS 100 DEGREES AND NOW IT IS

[LAUGHTER]

YOU ARE VERY WELCOME.

AND, I AGREE WITH FOREIGN POLICY

BECAUSE I AM FROM CHINA AND I

[APPLAUSE]

I BELIEVE THAT UNILATERALISM IS

TOO EXPENSIVE, AND OPEN DIALOGUE

IS TOO SLOW, SO IF ELECTED, I

WILL GO WITH TEXT MESSAGING.

I WILL TEXT OUR ALLIES JUST TO

[LAUGHTER]

AND TEXT OUR ENEMIES WHEN THEY

[LAUGHTER]

YOU ARE BUILDING A NUCLEAR

WEAPON?

BUT YOU WERE DOING IT WRONG, LOL

I JUST WANT TO THANKED YOU FOR

HAVING ME HERE TONIGHT IN THIS

IS THE FIRST TIME -- MATT THANK

YOU SO MUCH AND HAVE A VERY GOOD

[APPLAUSE]