EFFORT TO BUY TOP FOREIGN CHESS PLAYERS IN AN ATTEMPT TO WIN

NEXT YEAR'S CHESS OLYMPIAD GOLD MEDAL FOR THE FIRST TIME

IN DECADES.

THAT'S RIGHT, THE UNITED STATES IS BUYING UP NERDS, NERD

MERCENARIES, "NERDCENARIES."

FOR MORE WE WELCOME BACK OUR SENIOR INTERNATIONAL

CORRESPONDENT MR. TREVOR NOAH.

TREVOR! A PLEASURE!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU.

>> Jon: VERY DELIGHTED TO HAVE YOU HERE.

>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

JON.

IT'S AN ABSOLUTE PLEASURE TO BE BACK HERE TO TALK ABOUT CHESS.

THE GAME OF KINGS, SMART CHECKERS

( SNORING ) BLACK AND WHITE HORSEY SQUARES.

THE HISTORY OF CHESS STRETCHES BACK CENTURIES -- OH, COME ON,

JON, JON!

>> Jon: WHAT, IS THAT, WHAT -- I'M SORRY.

>> COME ON.

>> Jon: I'M SORRY, I JUST, WOW, I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW

BORING CHESS WAS UNTIL SOMEONE ELSE STARTED TALKING ABOUT IT.

ALL RIGHT.

>> I MEAN, LOOK, IF AMERICANS ARE SO BORED BY CHESS THEN WHY

ARE YOU STEALING EVERYONE ELSE'S PLAYERS?

>> Jon: WE WOULD LIKE TO WIN. WE WOULD LIKE TO WIN.

I MEAN, LET'S FACE FACTS.

WE COULD PATIENTLY BUILD A HOME-GROWN CHESS TEAM THROUGH

YEARS OF HARD WORK, BUT YEARS OF HARD WORK.

WE'D RATHER JUST BUY THEM.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, JON, DOES AMERICA REALLY NEED TO BE THE

BEST AT EVERYTHING?

I MEAN, YOU ALREADY DOMINATE WORLD IN ECONOMICS, MILITARY

POWER, OBESITY.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WELL, YOU'RE VERY KIND.

WE HAVE THE MOST DAKOTAS.

>> YOU'VE GOT SO MANY DAKOTAS! >> Jon: YES.

>> YOU'VE GOT WHAT IS IT? NORTH, SOUTH --

>> Jon: NORTH SOUTH -- >> FANNING, JOHNSON.

>> Jon: YES.

>> LEAVE SOME DAKOTAS FOR THE REST OF US!

>> Jon: IT IS NOT LIKE AMERICA HAS NOT HAD CHESS GREATS

OF ITS OWN.

YOU HAD, UH, WHAT WAS THAT MOVIE.

BOBBY FISCHER.

>> YEAH, BUT THAT WAS WHAT, 40 YEARS AGO?

>> Jon: NO, I JUST RENTED IT.

IT WAS-- AND DEEP BLUE, THE IBM CHESS COMPUTER.

>> I'M PRETTY SURE THE PARTS CAME FROM CHINA.

>> ALL RIGHT, TREV, WHAT IF WE DON'T BUY PLAYERS?

WHAT IF WE DON'T BUY THEM? IT'S JUST FREE MARKET.

THIS IS HOW IT WORKS.

>> NO, JON, IT'S NOT, THIS IS A SPORT.

KIND OF.

RIGHT, THIS NOT MEANT TO BE AN ECONOMIC TRANSACTION LIKE BUYING

A LOAF OF BREAD OR A SEAT IN CONGRESS.

>> Jon: THAT HURTS.

>> AMERICA IS SUPPOSED TO BE ALL ABOUT EARNING VICTORY.

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT MOVIE WHERE A GUY FROM PHILADELPHIA PUNCHED

A RUSSIAN SO HARD IT ENDED THE COLD WAR?

WHAT IF INSTEAD OF TRAINING ROCKY TO FIGHT IVAN DRAGO,

AMERICA JUST HIRED IVAN DRAGO.

IT'S A WAY WORSE MOVIE.

>> Jon: THAT WOULD BE A TOTALLY AWESOME MOVIE.

FISH OUT OF WATER, COMMUNIST IN A CAPITALIST COUNTRY BUT LEARNS

TO LOVE AMERICA AND TEACHES HIS LANDLORD HOW TO LOVE BORSCHT.

LIKE, THAT'S SUCH A GOOD MOVIE.

>> IT WOULD BE A GOOD MOVIE. >> Jon: THANK YOU.

>> GET THE CAB. COME ON.

>> Jon: THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

>> IT WOULD BE, OKAY.

>> I WOULD LIKE TO GO TO THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING. NICE!

>> AH, I LOVE IT.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, JON?

I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT THIS IS ABOUT CHESS.

THIS IS ABOUT RUSSIA BECAUSE WHAT'S THE ONLY THING RUSSIANS

LOVE MORE THAN FILMING THEIR OWN CAR ACCIDENTS?

( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: LAND GRABS, I

GUESS?

>> NO, JON, NO, CHESS.

THEY HAVE MORE WORLD CHAMPIONS THAN ANY OTHER COUNTRY.

>> Jon: WHO IS THEIR CURRENT CHAMPION?

>> WELL, OFFICIALLY, PUTIN.

I MEAN, COME ON!

WE ALL REMEMBER THAT FAMOUS PHOTO!

>> Jon: OH!

YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD?

I ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WAS ON A REAL HORSE.

YOU DON'T LOOK BECAUSE YOU JUST SEE THE NIPPLES.

YOU DON'T REALIZE.

>> THAT'S TRUE.

BUT HERE'S MY POINT, AMERICA HAS BEEN TRYING TO GET BACK AT

RUSSIA FOR STEALING CRIMEA, YOU KNOW, WARRING WITH THE UKRAINE,

SUPPORTING ASSAD, YOU'VE TRIED EVERYTHING -- SANCTIONS,

DIPLOMACY, PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE SUBTWEETS.

NOTHING'S WORKED.

>> Jon: YES.

>> SO NOW YOU'RE TRYING TO TAKE RUSSIA'S PLACE AS THE WORLD

CHESS SUPER POWER BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT WOULD REALLY HURT THEM

WHERE IT HURTS, RIGHT IN THE PAWNS.

>> Jon: IT'S JUST THEY'RE -- THEY'RE JUST SO MEAN.

I JUST HATE THEM SO MUCH.

>> YEAH, BUT I UNDERSTAND, JON, BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO BEAT

THEM -- >> Jon: YES!

>> YOU NEED TO DO IT THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY.

YOU NEED TO EARN IT. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU AWE CHANCE TO MAKE THIS WHOLE THING RIGHT

THROUGH THE ANCIENT BATTLE OF BLACK VERSUS WHITE.

>> Jon: ENOUGH WITH THE FERGUSON, WE ALREADY TALKED

ABOUT IT.

>> NO, NO, JON, JON.

I MEAN, THROUGH THE MAGIC OF CHESS.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: WOW.

ALL RIGHT.

I KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE TRADITIONAL CUTTING OF THE

WIRES.

( LAUGHTER ) I THOUGHT THEY'D GO AWAY.

BUT THEY DON'T.

>> IT'S PART OF THE MAGIC.

>> Jon: OH, THERE THEY GO.

ALL RIGHT, VERY NICE.

ALL RIGHT.

>> OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, BECAUSE I'M WHITE, I'LL GO FIRST.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: UH, ALL RIGHT.

I GUESS BECAUSE I'M JEWISH, I'LL GO SECOND.

( LAUGHTER ) >> PAWN TO D-4.

>> Jon: OH, SNAP!

MOUSETRAP.

CHECKMATE.

U.S.A.!

U.S.A.!