TO LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY.

I REALLY DO LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT AMERICA:

HOT DOGS.

APPLE PIE.

BASEBALL-- MAYBE NOT BASEBALL.

IT'S LIKE WATCHING GRASS GROW WITH PEOPLE IN THE WAY.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT I WILL SAY ONE OF MY

FAVORITE THINGS ABOUT AMERICA IS MY CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO

MAKE FUN OF THE POWERFUL: SENATORS, PRESIDENTS, BRANDS

THAT DON'T ADVERTISE ON MY SHOW.

SLEEP LIGHTLY, OLD EL PASO TACO SEASONINGS

YOU PICKED THE WRONG GUY TO NOT GIVE MONEY TO.

BUT NOT EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS THAT FREEDOM.

TAKE TURKEY WHERE, RIGHT NOW...

( LAUGHTER ) NOW JUST TO BE CLEAR, ERDOGAN IS

NOT A NAME FROM "LORD OF THE RINGS."

I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE ERDOGAN COULD BE ARAGORN'S DAD, BUT

THAT'S OBVIOUSLY ARATHORN.

NOW, THE WHOLE THING STARTED WHEN DOCTOR BILGIN CIFTCI--

AGAIN, NOT A HOBBIT NAME- ( LAUGHTER )

POSTED THESE SIDE-BY-SIDE COMPARISONS OF ERDOGAN

AND GOLLUM ON FACEBOOK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PRETTY GOOD.

PRETTY GOOD.

, OF COURSE, SINCE IT WAS FABLE, THAT COULD ALSO BE SOMEBODY'S

"REALLY" UGLY BABY.

JUST CLICK "LIKE" AND MOVE ON.

THEY WON'T KNOW.

BECAUSE OF THIS, DOCTOR CIFTCI WAS FIRED FROM HIS JOB AT

TURKEY'S PUBLIC HEALTH SERVICE AND IS CURRENTLY ON TRIAL

BECAUSE...

IT IS A PUNISHABLE CRIME IN TURKEY TO INSULT THE

HEAD OF STATE.

FOR INSTANCE, IN TURKEY, LEGALLY, I COULD NOT

SAY THAT PRESIDENT ERDOGAN'S MUSTACHE LOOKS LIKE HIS NOSE IS

A TEEPEE FOR A CATERPILLAR.

NOW, DOCTOR CIFTCI HAS OFFERED A FANTASTIC DEFENSE, BUT THE JUDGE

IN THIS CASE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND IT.

AND I WILL LET CNN'S NEWS LADY OF LOTHLORIEN, CHRISTIANE

AMANPOUR, EXPLAIN.

>> HE IS NOW TAKING A NOVEL APPROACH TO HIS LEGAL DEFENSE.

HE AND HIS LAWYER ARGUE THAT GOLLUM IS A HERO, NOT A BAD GUY.

THE JUDGE ADMITTED THAT HE HAD ONLY SEEN PARTS OF THE FILM.

>> Stephen: COME ON!

EVEN IN TURKISH, "I HAVE ONLY SEEN PARTS OF THE FILM" IS

TOTALLY CODE FOR "I HAVE NOT SEEN ANY OF THE FILM."

SO NOW, THE COURT IS LOOKING FOR A GOLLUM EXPERT TO DECIDE THIS

MAN'S FATE.

HMMM.

HMMM.

WHO DO WE KNOW-- WHOM DO WE KNOW WHO IS AN EXPERT ON ALL THINGS

"LORD OF THE RINGS."

FOLKS, WHEN I SPENT MY ENTIRE TEENAGED YEARS READING ALL

OF TOLKIEN-- NOT JUST "THE HOBBIT", AND "LORD

OF THE RINGS."

I'M TALKING "FARMER GILES OF HAM," "SMITH OF WOOTTEN MAJOR,"

"LEAF BY NIGGLE", I KNEW I WAS PREPARING MYSELF FOR SOMETHING

IMPORTANT.

WHY ELSE WOULD I IGNORE ALL MY CLASSWORK, ABANDON SPORTS,

AND ACHIEVE A PALENESS I HAVE YET TO SHAKE OFF, IF NOT TO ARM

MYSELF FOR A MOMENT OF HEROISM?

AND NOW THAT MOMENT HAS ARRIVED.

A MAN'S LIFE HANGS IN THE BALANCE AND I ALONE AMONG ALL

THE EDAIN, AM CAPABLE OF FREEING HIM, MUCH AS LUTHIEN FREED BEREN

FROM THE DUNGEONS OF SAURON.

NOW, I'M SO TEMPTED TO TELL THAT YOU STORY RIGHT NOW.

BUT ANYWAY.

NOW YOU MAY SAY, "STEPHEN, WHY YOU?

WHY NOT DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON AND SCREENWRITERS FRAN WALSH AND

PHILLPA BOYENS, WHO MADE "THE LORD OF THE RINGS" MOVIES?"

SURE, THEY HAVE RELEASED A JOINT STATEMENT EXONERATING THE

DEFENDANT, DECLARING: IF THE IMAGES ARE, IN FACT,

FORMING THE BASIS OF THIS TURKISH LAWSUIT, WE CAN STATE

CATEGORICALLY, NONE OF THEM FEATURE THE CHARACTER KNOWN AS

GOLLUM.

ALL OF THEM ARE IMAGES OF THE CHARACTER CALLED SMEAGOL.

I CONCUR.

I CONCUR.

THERE IS AN IMPORTANT LEGAL DISTINCTION BETWEEN GOLLUM AND

SMEAGOL.

SMEAGOL WAS A PERFECTLY NORMAL HOBBIT UNTIL HE WAS CORRUPTED

BY THE ONE RING AND BECAME THE CREATURE KNOWN AS GOLLUM, THE

TWO OPERATING AS SPLIT PERSONALITIES IN ONE BODY.

SO, YEAH, THE TURKISH COURT COULD GO WITH THESE GUYS, IF YOU

WANT TO TRUST A MAN'S LIFE TO THE SECOND-BEST TOLKIEN EXPERTS

IN THE WORLD.

AND THAT'S NOT ME TALKING.

THAT'S PETER JACKSON, WHO SAID OF ME, QUOTE:

I HAVE NEVER MET A BIGGER TOLKIEN GEEK IN MY LIFE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND, FOLKS, I WEAR THAT

STATEMENT AS A BADGE OF HONOR.

AND AS MY TRAMP STAMP.

YOU SEE, WHEN I WAS IN NEW ZEALAND FILMING "THE HOBBIT: THE

DESOLATION OF SMAUG," WHERE I STARRED IN THE LEAD ROLE OF

"LAKE-TOWN SPY," I WENT TOE-TO-TOE IN AN AFTER-HOURS

TOLKIEN TRIVIA CONTEST WITH THE FILM'S RESIDENT TOLKIEN

EXPERT.

AND I APPARENTLY NEED TO REMIND EVERYONE, I EMERGED THE ONE TRUE

"LORD OF THE RINGS" EXPERT.

AND I DON'T BRING THAT UP TO BRAG.

I BRING IT UP TO SERVE JUSTICE-- AND TO BRAG.

THEREFORE, I HEREBY VOLUNTEER MY SERVICES TO EXPLAIN TO THE

TURKISH COURT WHY THIS MAN IS INNOCENT OF A CRIME THAT

SHOULDN'T BE ILLEGAL ANYWAY.

NOW, I CAN'T SPARE THE TIME TO ACTUALLY FLY TO TURKEY FOR THE

TRIAL.

WE HAVE BRUCE WILLIS ON THURSDAY.

( LAUGHTER ) SO I AM GOING TO SAVE THIS MAN'S

LIFE RIGHT HERE IN THE COURTROOM OF BEING ON TELEVISION.

♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE TURKISH GOVERNMENT.

THIS CASE SHOULD NEVER HAVE COME TO TRIAL.

THE MAN HAS COMMITTED NO CRIME AT ALL.

HE HAS MERELY BROKEN A RIGID AND TIME-HONORED CODE OF OUR

SOCIETY: COMPARING THE PRESIDENT TO A MURDEROUS FANTASY

CHARACTER.

BUT THERE IS NOT ONE IOTA OF EVIDENCE THAT THESE IMAGES SHOW

THE VILLAIN KNOWN AS GOLLUM.

IN FACT, WHAT WE SEE IS NOTHING BUT THE PITIFUL FACE OF

SMEAGOL, A HUMBLE HOBBIT OF THE RIVER-FOLK, WHO IS CORRUPTED BY

THE ONE RING TO BECOME GOLLUM.

THE GOVERNMENT MAKES THE INCORRECT ASSUMPTION-- THE EVIL

ASSUMPTION THAT SMEAGOL AND GOLLUM ARE ONE AND THE SAME.

BUT EVEN IF THEY WERE, WE CANNOT ALLOW THE GOVERNMENT TO PUNISH

THIS MAN.

THEY WANT TO PUT HIM AWAY.

BUT THE FREEDOM OF SPEECH IS IMPERISHABLE AS THE FLAME OF

ANOR, THAT SECRET FIRE SET AMID THE VOID, THROUGH WHICH THE

WORLD WAS SUNG INTO BEING.

AGAIN, I DID NOT HAVE TO LOOK ANY OF THIS UP.

IT IS FROM THE FIRST CHAPTER OF "THE SILMARILLION," MY FAVORITE

BOOK, EVEN THOUGH IT'S THE ONE NO ONE READS.

( APPLAUSE ) NOW, I AM CONFIDENT THAT YOU

GENTLEMEN WILL, WITHOUT PASSION, EXAMINE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

SMEAGOL AND GOLLUM AND RESTORE THIS MAN TO HIS FAMILY.

IN THE NAME OF ERU ILVATAR, DO YOUR DUTY.

( APPLAUSE ) SCOUT, JIM, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!