That's a very good Christmas tree.

- ANTHONY: Shut up!

- NARRATOR: Previously on Food Battle...

- [whispering] I feel like we're forgetting something.

- I'm unemployed.

- Oh my God, we forgot Food Battle!

(man screaming, car crashing)

- My new favorite food, pink frosted sprinkled donut.

- (screams)

(dramatic music playing)

- You can't have the same food as me!

- Uh-uh-uh-uh! Mine's vegan.

- (gasps) Wait, what's the difference?

- Oh, if you listen closely,

you can hear the screams of suffering animals.

(faint cries of animals, gun firing)

- So you're gonna do this or what?

- Yeah.

- Well if you think your pink frosted sprinkled donut

can do more everyday tasks than my

pink frosted sprinkled donut, then you're going down,

dookie-brown! (eating donut)

(heavy metal music plays) Food Battle 2016

- Let's see your stupid donut be...

...the child you just found out you had

with your high school girlfriend that you now have

visitation rights with!

- You're just a little baby donut?

Yes you are. (baby crying)

It works. (ding!)

Okay, now Daddy needs his peace and quiet.

(window breaks, cars crash)

(alarms wailing, people screaming, flames crackling)

- REPORTER: Marine biologist Emerson Dibley

has discovered a new breed of octopus,

which has two more tentacles than a

normal octopus, and is being

called by specialists in the field...

- Uh, oh no! - REPORTER: ...a squid.

- (gags) My baby boy!

My baby boy-- (ding!)

- Let's do a...

...clone--wait, a clone?

- What the hell kind of catalogue have we been using? (Cream Cheese And Other Things)

- Huh. - Makes sense.

- Okay, donut, time for you to become my clone.

(whoosh!)

Whoa. I look just like me.

- I do. (punches real Ian)

(ding!)

Oh, Anthony? I'm ready for the Food Battles.

(laughs sinisterly)

- All right, donut, double as my clone.

(electricity zaps)

- [weakly] Kill me...

- (screams)

(buzzer)

Are you gonna choose something or what?

- Okay.

- Are you okay?

- It feel good to be Ian. (real Ian yells,

punches fake Ian)

- Hooh, all right.

Let's do, um... glue?

- What?

- Let's do glue! - Okay.

- Okay, donut, I need to find something

to break so I can put it back together.

Oh, that'll work.

- No!

Not my limited edition finger telecaster deluxe

signed by world-renowned singer, song writer

and very handsome man Brendon Urie

from the band Panic! at the Dis--

(heavy metal music plays, guitar breaking)

(heavy metal music continues)

- It worked! (buzzer)

- All right, donut, please be the glue

that holds my family together.

- Why are the dishes never done when I get home?

This place is a God-damn pigsty!

- My body is a pigsty because you never satisfy me, sexually.

- Oh, really... - Please fix this, donut.

- Oh, God damn it, Anthony. Stop it.

- Stop it. - And I told you,

I am tired from a long day of work at the office,

and, my penis don't work sometimes.

- And that is why I'm sleeping

with Robert from the Jeep!

- Are you kidding me? Robert?

(distant arguing)

- Oh well. Guess I'm getting

double Christmas presents next year.

(buzzer)

Let's do... (scrunches paper)

(dominoes clicking, Ian and Anthony singing)

(bucket clanking, ball rolling, Ian and Anthony continue)

(flames whooshing, rope breaks)

(both singing)

A dabbing Harambe!

- Okay!

All right, donut, I know you can be a dabbing Harambe.

- Stop!

(music plays)

- IAN: Meme police!

- You're under arrest for referencing

two outdated memes multiple times!

- Damn, Daniel! What are those?

That boy's back at it again with the white vans.

(suspenseful music building up)

- You're free to Pokémon GO.

(music plays) - IAN: Meme police!

Hah, it worked!

(buzzer)

(muffled grunting)

That hurt.

- C'mon, donut, I know you can be a--

(buzzer)

What? I didn't even get to say any--

(buzzer) Come on, I didn't even--

(buzzer) What?

(buzzer) No, I--

(buzzer)

Let's see your stupid pink turd be a...

- Christmas tree topper!

(car crashes, people screaming, alarm wailing)

Come on, donut. Let's make this day magical.

(heavy metal music plays)

(boxes clattering) Sh*t!

(boxes clattering)

(grunting)

(screams) (baubles clattering)

(grunting)

(panting)

Hah! (ding!)

What's the matter, man?

Why aren't you making your donut

be a Christmas tree topper?

You should've seen mine. It was so close, like

(imitates grunting) and then I died and I freakin' loved it.

What's wrong, man?

- Ian, do you ever think about...

...getting older, and... you know...changing?

- Like...becoming a butterfly?

'Cause I'm still working on that.

By the way, do you know where I could buy a cocoon?

- No. Why are we still doing Food Battle?

How many times can one person die?

- So far, nine.

And then there's that time we swapped brains

which kinda felt like dying on the inside.

- Okay, but seriously,

do you still even wanna do Food Battle?

- (sighs)

I don't know. I don't know, man.

- Yeah... I don't know either.

- Hey. We did have some good times though.

- Yeah.

- IAN: ♪ I will remember Food ♪

♪ Battle through all the years ♪

♪ We died so many times ♪

♪ But are somehow inexplicably still alive ♪

♪ Don't try to make sense of any of itttttttt... ♪

(singing)

- Okay, the montage is over.

Ian! - Sorry.

So...do you really wanna end Food Battle...

...forever?

- Yeah. I think so.

What do you say we...

...toss these donuts and move onto newer things?

- Yeah... like Food War 2017!

- No. - Sorry.

Well... what do you say we...

...get out of here, sport?

- All right, champ. Let's do it.

- Good-bye, donut. - Good-bye, Food Battle.

(dramatic music playing)

(heavy metal music plays)

- Ian! Ian! Anthony!

You just ended Food Battle and I'm out of a job.

What are you gonna do now?

- We're gonna live, damn it.

We're gonna live.

- Oh boy, you're gonna live! Can I come?

- Sure. buddy.

- Get in here. - Oh...

Wait...does this mean I'm fully unemployed now?

- IAN & ANTHONY: Yep. - ANNOUNCER: F*ck!

What am I supposed to do?

- IAN: Foot greaser? - ANNOUNCER: No!

- ANTHONY: Clean windows?

- ANNOUNCER: I don't do windows.

- IAN: Plumbing? - ANNOUNCER: No!

- ANTHONY: Paint rocks? - ANNOUNCER: For money?

- ANTHONY: Yeah. - ANNOUNCER: No.

- IAN: Taint tickler?

- ANNOUNCER: I already do that for free.

- IAN: Well, you should start charging.

- ANTHONY: Hey guys. Thank you so much for watching

and supporting Food Battle over all these years.

- IAN: Yeah, and we can not wait

to show you guys what we have--

- BARNEY: Hey there, kids! It's Barney!

You thought you could end Food Battle without me?

I don't think so. (chainsaw whirring)

I'm gonna cut off your scrotes and wear them as jewelry!

(Ian and Anthony screaming) (laughs maniacally)

So much blood! (Ian and Anthony scream)

Oh, these are wonderful scrotes.

(suspenseful music plays)

THE END?