I'm your host Chris Chappell.

Spies.

They're everywhere.

"As first reported by the New York Times,

the Chinese government has deployed spies inside the US."

Uhhh, no, I'm not talking about the surge of Chinese spies in the US.

I'm talking about spies inside China.

Hostile foreign forces.

And believe me,

I should know.

Spies in China are out of control,

as you may have seen from this recent documentary.

And the Chinese people must be vigilant against these foreign spies.

Fortunately the Communist Party's days of helplessness are over.

No longer will spies be able to freely walk down the streets of China without consequence.

Because according to Xinhua News Agency,

China has created a hotline you can call to report on spies.

Now, I know what you're thinking…

"But what about your phone bill?

Oh don't be silly, just dial…

12339.

That's right. Just dial 12-3-3-9 to report a spy.

And don't worry,

making false accusations against people is illegal so there's no way this could devolve

into some kind of Hitler Youth thing.

But how do you spot a spy?

Well, as someone from the hotline told the New York Times,

"Anyone can be a spy. And anyone can also not be a spy."

You see? All you have to do is separate out the spies from the not spies.

Here, let's take a look at a typical scenario.

"Excuse me, do you happen to know any national secrets?"

Can you tell who's the spy in this scenario?

Why of course the young woman is.

Why else would she be standing here instead on the hotline reporting a suspicious looking

foreigner?

How about this one?

Haha, wessels.

But if you're still confused,

last year, the China Folk Counterespionage Manual,

whose origin is dubious,

began circulating on the Chinese Internet.

And it has some useful tips for weeding out spies.

For example...do you know any "socially active students?"

They're probably spies.

The most nefarious of which are the "illogical science majors" who get emotional about politics.

Why would science majors care about politics, hmm?

Remember the last time illogical students showed an interest in politics?

Of course you don't remember,

because you're a good Chinese citizen who doesn't who doesn't listen to online rumors

about alleged massacres.

And clearly, China's new hotline is working,

because when the New York Times called on Monday at 4:30 pm,

they were told they were the only call of the day.

See? No more spies. Mission accomplished.

So what do you think about China's new spy hotline?

Have any tips you'd like to offer about spotting spies?

Leave them in the comment section below.

But if you think this whole spy thing is just a witch hunt,

well in India,

witch hunts are actually a thing.

Check out this video from Seeker Daily.

"The mob rushed into Orang's house and dragged her out,

took her to a nearby stream,

almost stripped her naked,

and beheaded her in broad daylight"

Her accuser was self-proclaimed goddess.

Once again I'm Chris Chappell, see you next time.