LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST IS THE EMMY-WINNING HOST

OF "LAST WEEK TONIGHT" ON HBO.

PLEASE WELCOME JOHN OLIVER!

♪ HIGHER, HIGHER ON A MOUNTAIN HIGHER, HIGHER ON A MOUNTAIN ♪

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> GOOD EVENING.

GOOD EVENING.

>> Stephen: GOOD EVENING.

>> GOOD EVENING TO ALL.

>> Stephen: GOOD EVENING.

>> GOOD EVENING.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> I UNDERSTAND, I UNDERSTAND.

I UNDERSTAND, I VEHEMENTLY DISAGREE WITH YOU, BUT I

UNDERSTAND.

AT SOME POINT IT BECOMES UNEARNED, AND THAT POINT WAS

ABOUT 50 SECONDS AGO.

>> Stephen: WELL, THEY'RE EXCITED BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOT

SEEN YOU AROUND.

YOU'VE BEEN OFF THE AIR SINCE MID-NOVEMBER.

>> I HAVE.

>> Stephen: NOT A LOT HAS HAPPENED SINCE THEN.

>> NO, NO.

IT'S PRETTY MUCH-- SOME COSMETIC DIFFERENCES.

THE COSMETIC DIFFERENCE REALLY BEING FLAMES AND THE FACT

AMERICA IS IN IT.

>> Stephen: OVER THE LAST COUPLE OF MONTHS, SINCE DONALD

TRUMP WON AND TAKEN OFFICE, HAVE YOU-- HAS THE FEELING MORE LIKE,

"OH, I WISH I COULD BE TALKING ABOUT THIS?"

OR "THANK GOD I DON'T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS."

>> IT'S A "B," AN EMPHATIC CAPITAL "B" THERE.

>> Stephen: LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS FOR RIGHT NOW.

>> BECAUSE NOTHING IS REALLY-- UNTIL INAUGURATION DAY, YOU

KNOW, NOTHING WAS REALLY HAPPENING.

IT WAS JUST BEING TIED TO A TRAIN TRACK, WATCHING THE TRAIN

COMING.

( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN, OF COURSE,

INAUGURATION DAY IS THE TRAIN HITTING YOU AND YOU'RE THINKING,

"YUP, THAT FELT PRETTY MUCH HOW I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE."

>> Stephen: WE SAW EACH OTHER-- YOU WERE VERY NICE TO DO

A BENEFIT WITH ME IN DECEMBER.

AND YOU WERE PRETTY UPSET AT THE TIME.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU FEELING NOW BECAUSE THIS IS THE

COVER OF "ROLLING STONE."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THAT MIGHT BE-- I MEAN--

>> Stephen: FIRST TIME ON THE COVER OF "ROLLING STONE?"

>> IT'S ACTUALLY MY SECOND TIME ON THE COVER.

>> Stephen: I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

>> SO...

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: YEAH, I REMEMBER MY SECOND COVER.

ALL RIGHT.

>> OH!

>> Stephen: A LONG TIME AGO.

ANYWAY... NOW, YOU CAN TALK ABOUT THIS MAN FOR A SECOND?

>> WOW.

>> Stephen: DOES THIS FILL YOU WITH ANY FEELINGS

( AUDIENCE BOOING ).

>> OKAY, IT'S NOT WRESTLING.

>> Stephen: HE IS IN THE WWE HALL OF FAME MY FRIEND.

>> IS HE.

>> Stephen: YES.

WHY WOULDN'T HE BE.

>> YOU'RE RIGHT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I EXPRESSED CURIOSITY THERE.

YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

I COULD HAVE GONE AND GOOGLED IT AND REALIZED YOU WERE.

STEVE BANNON-- TO BE HONEST, HE BELONGS ON THE COVER MORE THAN I

DO, AND ARGUABLY, HE HAS A MORE PHOTOGENIC FACE AS WELL.

ACTUALLY-- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I TAKE THAT BACK.

( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, HE'S-- HE'S A TERRIFYING

INDIVIDUAL.

WHICH I'M STILL-- I'M STILL, TO BE HONEST, HURT TODAY BY BEING

ON THE INAUGURATION DAY OF BETSY DEVOS.

>> Stephen: YES.

>> HERE'S THE THING, HERE'S THE THING, CHILDREN.

I ACTUALLY THINK SHE MIGHT AND SHOULD SERVE AS AN INSPIRATION

TO SCHOOL KIDS IN AMERICA, BECAUSE SHE SHOWS THAT THEY

COULD BE SECRETARY OF EDUCATION ONE DAY.

IN FACT, NOT JUST ONE DAY, NOW.

THEY COULD DO IT NOW.

THEY'RE ABOUT AS WELL QUALIFIED NOW AS SHE IS.

AND SPENT ARGUABLY LONGER IN A PUBLIC SCHOOL.

>> Stephen: THE LAST THING-- ON YOUR LAST SHOW, YOU DID A

FANTASTIC DESK PIECE ABOUT "DON'T GET USED TO THIS.

DO NOT ACCEPT THIS AS A VARIETY OF THINGS AS THE NEW NORMAL."

>> RIGHT.

>> Stephen: HAVE THINGS HAPPENED IN THE LAST FEW MONTHS

THAT YOU SAY TO YOURSELF, "BOY, I WISH THAT HADN'T BEEN

ACCEPTED?" OR "THIS IS THE NEW NORMAL"--

>> I DON'T THINK-- I THINK PEOPLE ARE STILL FEELING

VISCERALLY REPELLED BY THINGS.

I THINK THE PROBLEM REALLY ARISES WHEN YOU START NOT-- WHEN

YOU GET PUNCH DRUNK, RIGHT.

WHERE YOU HEAR SOMETHING-- IF YOU HEAR OF A BETSY DEVOS

CONFIRM EXPAIGZ GO, "WELL, THAT'S THE WAY THE WORLD IS

NOW."

>> Stephen: SO MANY, SO MANY-- LIKE SO MANY PICTURES ARE COMING

OVER THE PLATE.

SO MANY MEAN BALLS ARE COMING OVER THE PLATE.

"A," YOU'RE NOT SURE WHAT TO SWING AT.

YOU'RE NOT SURE WHAT TO PAY ATTENTION TO.

AND I THINK THAT'S PART OF THE PLAN OF THE TRUMP

ADMINISTRATION, DO SO MANY THINGS AT ONCE--

>> IT'S EXHAUSTING.

IT FEELS LIKE HIS INAUGURATION DAY WAS 114 YEARS AGO.

>> Stephen: A LITTLE OVER TWO WEEKS AGO.

>> WE HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO.

IT'S GOING TO BE HARD-- IT'S EASY TO BE ANGRY ON ADRENALINE,

RIGHT, BUT IT IS MUCH, MUCH HARDER WHEN YOU ARE JUST TIRED.

AND THIS IS GOING TO BE EXHAUSTING.

>> Stephen: YEAH, FOUR YEARS.

YEAR, THAT'S WHAT I-- >> FOUR YEARS MAYBE.

>> Stephen: OR EIGHT.

>> OR 12, OR 12.

OR NOT 12.

WORDS DON'T MEAN ANYTHING ANYMORE.

WHY WOULD NUMBERS?

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: NOW, HELP ME OUT WITH SOMETHING HERE.

DONALD TRUMP.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: IS ABOUT SAYING AMERICA IS GOING TO PROJECT

POWER AROUND THE WORLD IN SIGNIFICANT WAYS, BUT ALSO

PULLING BACK WITH ENGAGEMENT WITH OUR ALLIES.

YOU'RE FROM ENGLAND, AND YOU-- YOUR COUNTRY ONCE HAD A GREAT

EMPIRE.

>> WE DID.

( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND TOO

WISTFUL, WE DID.

WE DID SOME TERRIBLE THINGS, AND WE DID THEM WITH REAL

COMMITMENT.

ASK INDIA.

ASK THEM.

THEY REMEMBER.

>> Stephen: 83, YOU DON'T GET AN EMPIRE FROM NECESSARILY BEING

NICE GUYS.

>> YOU DON'T.

BUT WE DID IT WITH THAT CERTAIN GENTLEMANLY SWAGGER.

>> Stephen: YOU DID IT WITH A GIN AND TONIC IN ONE HAND.

>> BANG!

>> Stephen: BUT ENGLAND DOESN'T HAVE AN EMPIRE ANYMORE?

DO YOU THINK AMERICA IS FACING SORT OF A RETRENCHMENT, LIKE

DRAW THE BORDERS AND THIS IS WHERE WE LIVE AND THE HELL OF

THE REST OF THE WORLD?

>> LOOK, IF YOU'RE AT A TIPPING POINT OF EMPIRE, ENJOY THE

DESCENT.

THAT'S THE KEY THING.

YOU GET BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING WHEN YOU'RE NUMBER ONE.

NO ONE'S POINTING AT US ANYMORE.

WE'RE IRRELEVANT.

AND, YES, THAT HURTS ON THE SURFACE, BUT IT'S ACTUALLY A

RELEASE IF YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT.

NOTHING'S OUR FAULT ANYMORE, OTHER THAN HISTORICALLY,

EVERYTHING IS STILL FUNDAMENTALLY OUR FAULT.

( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE YOU --

>> Stephen: YOU DID EVERYTHING.

>> WE BASICALLY DID EVERYTHING.

BASQUELY EVERY FLASH POINT CAN BE TRACED BACK TO A MUSTACHEIOD

MAN SAYING, "THERE WE GO.

LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT."

( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THE ONE THING--

THE ONE THING THAT ENGLAND STILL HAS, EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T HAVE

THE EMPIRE ANYMORE-- YOU HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS.

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

>> AND THE FALKLAND ISLANDS AND "BOSTON HERALD."

ISLANDS ANDBERMUDA.

>> DON'T MESS WITH BERMUDA.

ONE TOE IN THOSE PINK SANDS AND WE WILL TURN INTO PINK GLAZ.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Stephen: YOU GUYS HAVE JAMES BOND.

IS THAT AN ENGLISH FANTASY THAT YOU MAY NO LONGER BE A WORLD

POWER BUT YOU HAVE THE SINGULAR MOST BAD-ASS MAN ON THE PLANET

WHO SINGULARY CAN ACTUALLY FIX EVERYTHING?

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

AND OUR BELIEF IN HIM IS LIKE OUR BELIEF IN THE EMPIRE, A

WONDERFUL FICTION.

HE IS MURDERING HIS WAY AROUND THE GLOBE, SLEEPING WITH THE

FINEST WOMEN IN HIS EYES, AND THEN REPORTING DIRECTLY TO JUDI

DENCH.

THAT'S-- THAT'S-- IT'S A SIMPLER WORLD, ISN'T IT?

THAT'S AN EASY WORLD TO UNDERSTAND.

>> Stephen: YEAH.

>> AND HE JUST-- HE REGENERATES LIKE DR. WHO.

YOU CAN HAVE YOUR PIERCE BROSNAN, AND YOUR HAIR WILL

NEVER CHANGE.

>> Stephen: NOW, NO ONE KNOWS WHO THE NEXT JAMES BOND WILL BE.

THERE'S A LOT-- A LOT OF SPECULATION.

HAS YOUR NAME EVER-- ( LAUGHTER )

IT WOULD BE A BOLD CHOICE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NO ONE WOULD SEE THAT COMING.

>> WHO WOULD-- FAIR POINT, PAIR POINT.

IF THEY REALLY WANT TO THROW A CURVE BALL-- IF THEY REALLY WANT

TO SAY TO THE WORLD, LISTEN, IF IF WE'RE DOING EVERYTHING

DIFFERENT, HERE'S YOUR (BLEEP) BOND HERE.

>> Stephen: IAN FLEMING CHOSE THE NAME JAMES BAND BOND.

YOU KNOW WHEN HE CHOSE IT?

HE WANTED THE MOST BORING NAME HE COULD THINK OF.

>> IN THAT CASE, IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR THE MOST BORING, YOU

CAN THINK OF BA-BA-BOOM.

IF YOU WANT A BOND WHO IS NERVOUS AROUND WOMEN, I'VE GOT

YOU HERE.

"OH, SHE'S SO PRETTY AND THE COCKTAIL DRESS IS SLINKY."

>> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT AN AMERICAN CITIZEN RIGHT NOW.

>> NO.

YOU'R>> Stephen: YOU'RE A GREEN CARD.

ARE YOU WORRIED AT ALL BECAUSE TRUMP IS DETERMINED TO SLAM THE

BORDER SHUT, THAT YOU MIGHT BE TOSSED OUT.

WHEN IS YOUR GREEN CARD UP?

>> TOSSED OUT LIKE TEA.

>> Stephen: YEAH, A TEA BAG.

>> TEA BAG BEEN TOSSED OUT.

>> Stephen: EXACTLY NO EXTRA CHARGE.

>> YOU KNOW, THE CRAZY THING IS, IT'S PROBABLY NOT GOING TO

HAPPEN.

RIGHT?

BUT THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE OF IT HAPPENING NOW.

SO, YEAR, I AM SLIGHTLY CONCERNED.

I HAVE AN AMERICAN WIFE AND AN AMERICAN SON NOW, BUT WHO KNOWS

WHAT'S ENOUGH?

HAVING A GREEN CARD USED TO BE ENOUGH, AND YET WHAT WE SAW WITH

THAT EXECUTIVE ORDER ON IMMIGRATION, THAT DEBACLE,

THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE.

WE HELD UP TRANSLATORS, AFGHAN AND IRAQI TRANSLATORS AT THE

BORDER WHO HAVE BLED FOR A COUNTRY THEY'VE NEVER VISITED.

HAVE SACRIFICED FAMILY MEMBERS FOR THIS COUNTRY.

THIS PRESIDENT HAS DIDN'T NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS SO IT'S

A LITTLE HARD TO SWALLOW HIM TELLING PEOPLE WHETHER THEY

SHOULD BE A BENEFIT TO AMERICA OR NOT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOT TO-- ALL I'M SAYING IS--

>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT TO TAKE A LITTLE COMMERCIAL BREAK.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE JOHN OLIVER, DON'T GO AWAY.

DON'T GO AWAY.