sounds like an odd idea.

聽起來是個奇怪的點子

initially

一開始

Because we naturally imagine a friend

因為我們理所當然想像一個朋友

as someone else,

是其他人

not as a part of our own mind.

而不是我們腦子的一部分

But there is value in the concept

但這個概念是有意義的

because of the extent to which we know how

因為以我們所知的程度

to treat our own friends,

去對待我們自己的朋友

with the sympathy and imagination

帶著同情心與想像力

we seldom apply,

我們卻鮮少

to ourselves

將它用在我們自身

If a friend is in trouble

如果一個朋友遭遇了麻煩

our first instinct is rarely to tell them

我們的第一直覺很少會是告訴他們

that they are fundamentally

就是他們徹底的

a sh*thead and a failure

是一個蠢蛋 失敗者

If a friend complains that their partner

如果一個朋友抱怨他們的父母

isn't very warm to them,

沒有很溫暖地對待他

we don't tell them they're getting what they deserve

我們不會告訴朋友他就只值得這樣被對待

we try to re-assure them that they're essentially likeable

我們會向他們再三保證他們著實值得喜愛

and that it's worth investigating

並且這值得進一步研究

what might be done.

還可以怎麼做

In friendship

在友誼的關係裡

we know instinctively

我們本能地知道

how to deploy strategies of wisdom and consolation

如何善用智謀與綜合判斷

that we stubbornly refuse to apply

但我們卻很偏執地拒絕將它

to ourselves.

應用來對待自己

There are some key moves

這裏有一些重要的步驟

a good friend would typically make

一個好朋友通常會做的

which can provide a model

能夠當作一個範例

for what we should, ideally

理想上應當讓我們

be doing with ourselves, in our own heads.

在自己的腦海中，應用在自己身上

Firstly, a good friend likes you pretty much as you already are

首先 一個好朋友喜歡你之所以是你

any suggestion they make or

任何他們提出的建議

ambition they have about how you could change

或是他們認為你還可以改變得更好的企圖

builds on a background of acceptance.

是奠基在接受之上

When they propose that you might try a different tack

當他們建議你或許可以嘗試不同

it's not an ultimatum or a threat

不會是最後通牒或威脅

they're not saying that you have to change or be abandoned

他們不會說 你要不就改變 要不就被拋棄

a friend insists

一個朋友會堅持

we're good enough, already.

我們已經夠好了

but they want to join forces with us

但他們會加入我們一起

to solve a challenge they feel

去解決他們感覺到的挑戰

we would properly benefit, from overcoming.

我們或許或從克服中得到利益

Without being flattering,

但不帶著諂媚

good friends also constantly keep in mind

好朋友總會把這放在心上

certain things, we're getting right!

有些事我們做對了

They don't think anything wrong (background cheering)

他們不會感覺哪裡怪怪

with the odd compliment (background cheering)

給些言不由衷的讚美

and emphasis on our strengths. (background cheering)

而會強調這是我們的優點

It's quietly galling

一種沈寂的耗損

how easily we can lose sight of

使我們很容易看不見

all our own good points,

我們自身所有的美好

when troubles strike.

當困難來襲時

A friend doesn't fall into this trap.

但朋友不會落入這樣的圈套

They can acknowledge the difficulties

他們可以察覺這些困難

while still holding on to a memory

但仍然能夠緊記著

of our virtues.

我們的美德

The good friend is compassionate;

好朋友是充滿慈悲心的

when we fail, as we will

當我們失敗 我們會失敗的

they are understanding

他們能夠理解

and generous around our mishaps.

從容陪伴我們的狼狽

Our folly, doesn't exclude them from the circle of their love.

我們的荒唐 不會讓我們被排除在他們愛的圈圈之外

The good friend definitely conveys

好朋友絕對能克服

that to err, fail and screw up

不論是犯錯 跌倒或搞砸

is just what we humans do.

也不過就是我們人類會幹的事

We all emerge from childhood

我們都是從童年發展出

with various biases in our character

各種在性格裡面的缺陷

which evolved to help us cope with our

這些性格缺陷的發展讓我們能夠應付

necessarily imperfect parents

我們一定不可能完美的父母親

and these acquired habits of mind

這些都導致了一些內心的慣性

will reliably let us down in adult life.

保證會讓我們的成年生活有麻煩

But, we're not to be blamed because

但是 我們不會苛責這些

we didn't deliberately set out to be like this.

我們不是故意要變成這個樣子

We didn't realistically, have a lot of better options

實際上 我們可能也沒有太多更好的選擇

We're indelibly required

我們不可抹滅地被迫

to make big decisions

做出重大的決定

before we ever really understand what's at stake

遠在我們能真正了解那是什麼之前

or how our choices will play out.

或是我們的選擇將帶來什麼結果

We steering blind in all our large moves around love

我們在愛的大決定上蒙著眼掌舵

and work.

在工作也是

We opt for a move to a different city

我們決定搬到另一個城市

but we can't possibly know whether we're going to flourish there

但我們無法知道會在那裡如何開花結果

We have to select a career path when we're still young

我們必須在還年輕的時候做出職涯抉擇

and we don't know what our latent needs will be

而我們不知道這需要具備什麼樣的才能

in long term relationships

在長期的關係裡

We have to make a commitment to another person

我們必須要向對方許下承諾

before we understand what it will be like

在我們知道它究竟會是如何

to tie our lives, so deeply to theirs'

捆綁住我們以及他人的生活之前

The good friend knows

好朋友會知道

that failures are not in fact, rare

失敗實際上不會是鳳毛麟角

They bring as a starting point

他們會在一開始

their own and humanity's vivid experience of messing up

就把自己以及人類栩栩如生的搞砸經驗

into play

帶入這個遊戲

as key points of reference.

當作是主要的參考點

They're continually telling us

他們會不斷告訴我們

that our specific case, might be unique

我們這個特定的狀況 也許是獨一無二的

but that the general structure, is common.

但在架構上來說 這稀鬆平常

People, don't just sometimes fail

人類 不是偶爾遇到挫折

Everyone fails,

人人都會遭遇挫折

only, we don't know about it

只是我們不知道罷了

It's ironic, yet essentially hopeful

這很諷刺 但是非常有幫助

that we usually know quite well

我們通常都很清楚知道

how to be a better friend

如何更好地當個陌生人的朋友

to near strangers

勝過知道如何當自己的朋友

than we know how to be, to ourselves.

好在我們實際上知道

The hopefulness lies in the fact that we do

實際上已經擁有

actually already possess

友誼所需要的相關技巧

the relevant skills of friendship.

只差在我們或許還沒有將這個技巧導向

It's just, we haven't as yet directed them

那個或許是

to the person, who probably

最需要的人身上

needs the most

尤其是

namely,

當然是

of course

我們自己

ourselves.