sounds like an odd idea.

initially

Because we naturally imagine a friend

as someone else,

not as a part of our own mind.

But there is value in the concept

because of the extent to which we know how

to treat our own friends,

with the sympathy and imagination

we seldom apply,

to ourselves

If a friend is in trouble

our first instinct is rarely to tell them

that they are fundamentally

a sh*thead and a failure

If a friend complains that their partner

isn't very warm to them,

we don't tell them they're getting what they deserve

we try to re-assure them that they're essentially likeable

and that it's worth investigating

what might be done.

In friendship

we know instinctively

how to deploy strategies of wisdom and consolation

that we stubbornly refuse to apply

to ourselves.

There are some key moves

a good friend would typically make

which can provide a model

for what we should, ideally

be doing with ourselves, in our own heads.

Firstly, a good friend likes you pretty much as you already are

any suggestion they make or

ambition they have about how you could change

builds on a background of acceptance.

When they propose that you might try a different tack

it's not an ultimatum or a threat

they're not saying that you have to change or be abandoned

a friend insists

we're good enough, already.

but they want to join forces with us

to solve a challenge they feel

we would properly benefit, from overcoming.

Without being flattering,

good friends also constantly keep in mind

certain things, we're getting right!

They don't think anything wrong (background cheering)

with the odd compliment (background cheering)

and emphasis on our strengths. (background cheering)

It's quietly galling

how easily we can lose sight of

all our own good points,

when troubles strike.

A friend doesn't fall into this trap.

They can acknowledge the difficulties

while still holding on to a memory

of our virtues.

The good friend is compassionate;

when we fail, as we will

they are understanding

and generous around our mishaps.

Our folly, doesn't exclude them from the circle of their love.

The good friend definitely conveys

that to err, fail and screw up

is just what we humans do.

We all emerge from childhood

with various biases in our character

which evolved to help us cope with our

necessarily imperfect parents

and these acquired habits of mind

will reliably let us down in adult life.

But, we're not to be blamed because

we didn't deliberately set out to be like this.

We didn't realistically, have a lot of better options

We're indelibly required

to make big decisions

before we ever really understand what's at stake

or how our choices will play out.

We steering blind in all our large moves around love

and work.

We opt for a move to a different city

but we can't possibly know whether we're going to flourish there

We have to select a career path when we're still young

and we don't know what our latent needs will be

in long term relationships

We have to make a commitment to another person

before we understand what it will be like

to tie our lives, so deeply to theirs'

The good friend knows

that failures are not in fact, rare

They bring as a starting point

their own and humanity's vivid experience of messing up

into play

as key points of reference.

They're continually telling us

that our specific case, might be unique

but that the general structure, is common.

People, don't just sometimes fail

Everyone fails,

only, we don't know about it

It's ironic, yet essentially hopeful

that we usually know quite well

how to be a better friend

to near strangers

than we know how to be, to ourselves.

The hopefulness lies in the fact that we do

actually already possess

the relevant skills of friendship.

It's just, we haven't as yet directed them

to the person, who probably

needs the most

namely,

of course

ourselves.