Shut up!

Hi, I'm Zayn West, CCO of Apple.

Look, we get it. iPhones aren't cool anymore.

When the iPhone began, only the tech-y, young, cool people had them.

But at some point, everyone's mum and Pop-Pop learned how to use the damned things, which is why today, I'm excited to announce the iPhone 8C.

(Whisper) The C stands for cool.

The iPhone became more popular, and thus, less cool the easier it got to use.

Which is why we've made the 8C as counter-intuitive as possible to achieve maximum cool points.

To scroll up, scroll down.

To scroll down, scroll sideways.

And to scroll sideways, shake the phone, turn it counterclockwise and yell at it, like it is a disapproving pupup.

(Yelling) Protesting pipelines is a real job!

And my employer is the earth!

(ding)

Old people's eyes kind of suck.

And they're always trying to make the font way too big.

Which is why we've made the tiniest font possible and there's absolutely no way for you to enlarge it.

Damn! He woke AF.

And we took it one step further.

In order to unlock the iPhone 8C, you have to answer one simple age verification question.

(Siri) Who is Drake currently beefing with?

Uhhh... Frank Sinatra?

(Siri) Incorrect.

Ow! My dick's on fire.

(Siri) What is 9-11?

I don't know.

(Siri) Correct!

Yeah!

Left swipe, left swipe... (mumbling)

We here at Apple understand that personalization is key.

Which is why we've teamed up with Crayola to allow you to buy a special personalization kit.

So you can color your iPhone whichever color you like.

I colored mine pink because I don't believe a color can represent a gender.

Except for yellow. That's for boys.

And now it comes with the option of a cracked screen.

So you won't have to go through the guilt of inevitably cracking it youself.

But don't worry about shards of glass.

Introducing the new iBag.

This new product allows you to seamlessly scroll on your device without worrying about slicing your puny little meat fingers open.

And for our most advanced feature yet...

Yes, I was just speaking in a British accent, but that's not cool anymore.

For our most advanced feature yet, we're excited to introduce wireless charging.

When we removed the headphone jack from the iPhone 7, people completely lost their minds.

So we thought, hey, why not remove all the holes?

So when your battery runs low each night, simply bring it in to one of our Apple stores and let one of our geniuses replace your entire iPhone.

It only costs as much as the original price, plus a teeny-tiny recharging fee.

I love buying a new iPhone every night. Plus, I always get that new phone smell.

(sniff)

(whispering) I love you Apple.

The iPhone 8C. Putting the cool back in iPhone.

Oh, yeah and it doesn't make phone calls anymore. Just, I don't know, f*ck you.

Thank you so much for subscribing. Yes, I am speaking in a terrible English accent because it's cool again.

Click the box on the left with your sweaty little meat fingers to see behind the scenes footage and bloopers.

And click the box on the right to see the time the ghost of Steve Jobs unveiled the iPhone 6.