NARRATOR (CONT’D) Comes the most forgettable Twilight movie

yet…

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Witness the continuation of one of the most

forced love triangles in film history…

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Where this shirtless guy is clearly a third

wheel.

EDWARD “We don’t need you to handle anything”

BELLA “Ugh!”

NARRATOR Because she told him in previous movies and

in this movie, that she will always choose Shovel-Face.

JACOB “You’re marrying him?”

NARRATOR But that won’t stop her from leading him

on.

BELLA “I’m asking you… to kiss me.”

NARRATOR Just so they can continue to sell “Team

Jacob” t-shirts… and pad the running time, with three-way stares.

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Prepare yourself, for two hours of filler,

like...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Laying in bed…

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Walking around outside…

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Villains standing around doing nothing…

NARRATOR (CONT’D) And pointless flashbacks for minor characters.

NARRATOR (CONT’D) A movie so gay…

It has groups of shirtless boys

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Shovelface refusing sex.

NARRATOR (CONT’D) And the tent scene out of Brokeback Mountain.

JACOB “I am hotter than you.”

NARRATOR (CONT’D) An actress so terrible...

BELLA “Have you…”

NARRATOR (CONT’D) She speaks with weird long pauses.

BELLA “…imprinted on someone?”

BELLA (CONT’D) “We’re gonna talk about this but…you.”

BELLA (CONT’D) “I would’nt be uh… warm.”

BELLA (CONT’D) “You looked…worried.”

BELLA (CONT’D) “My life is not…miserable.”

BELLA (CONT’D) “Edward is…old school.”

NARRATOR And three movies in, still has the same dumb

expression.

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Is every director afraid to tell her to close

her mouth?

NARRATOR (CONT’D) A final battle so unfulfilling, it’s built

up an entire movie…

NARRATOR (CONT’D) but is over about a minute…

NARRATOR (CONT’D) and doesn’t have any impact on the overall

saga.

NARRATOR (CONT’D) A film so bland…

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Oh no, this again..

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Even we are running out of things to be honest

about…

NARRATOR (CONT’D) It’s lazy even by Twilight standards.

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Don’t forget to watch this weeks Screen

Junkies episode...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Where dads answer Twilight trivia for their

daughters…

NARRATOR (CONT’D) We made an eleven year old cry.

NARRATOR (CONT’D And tell me something you’d like to hear

me say in my epic voice.