NARRATOR From the director of the King Kong Universal

Studios ride...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Comes a film adaptation of the overly dense,

nerd bibles that employed an entire nation.

NARRATOR (CONT’D) When an evil vagine-eye awakens - its up to

this Hobbit and this Fantasy Boy Band to destroy it’s jewelry...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Prompting these unlikely heroes to embark

on an 11-hour New Zealand Tourism Commercial...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Rife with walking...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Roaming...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Hiking....

NARRATOR (CONT’D) More walking...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) And strolling.

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Join our heroes as they face ruthless armies

of Middle Earth

NARRATOR (CONT’D) All vying for the most powerful object in

the world -the one ring to rule them all!

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Which does absolutely nothing, besides turn

you into an invisible crack addict...

BILBO “Raaah!”

NARRATOR Behold a quest so long, these heroes will

need to be...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Carried by horses...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Carried by orcs....

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Carried by trees...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Carried by eagles...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) And carried by hobbits.

SAMWISE “I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry

you”.

NARRATOR Meet characters who’s names are so complicated,

only a linguist could remember... like:

ELROND “Gandolf”

BILBO - O.S. “Frodo!”

FRODO – O.S. “Bilbo!”

GRIMA WORMTONGUE O.S. “Sauron”

FRODO “Saruman”

BOROMIR “Arogorn”

FRODO – O.S. “Son of Arathorn”

AROGORN “Boromir”

LONG HAIR MAN “Faramir”

THEODEN “Eowyn”

ELROND “Arwen”

ELROND “Gimli Son of Gloin”

ELROND “Isildur”

LEGOLAS “Morgoth”

GALADRIEL “Galadriel”

HALDIR “Caras Galadhon”

THEODEN “Theodred”

RED BEARD “Grima Wormtongue”

HALDIR “Legolas, Son of Thranduil”

FRODO “Sam”

NARRATOR Featuring the award-winning visual effects

team - that launched the career of one man

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Who must now wear skintight spandex and face

dots for the rest of his life...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Comes... A movie bursting with so much manly

compassion...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) You’ll think you’re watching Brokeback

Mount Doom…

NARRATOR (CONT’D)

A tale that will strive to prove that people of all walks of life can work together...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) As long as they’re all white... Seriously

even when they die, they come back whiter.

NARRATOR (CONT’D) And an adventure where every lead character

faces constant mortal danger - but only Sean Bean dies...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Gee... haven’t seen that before...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Starring.

NARRATOR (CONT’D) A film that took so much of Peter Jackson’s

life - he didn’t want it to end –

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Prompting FIVE completely separate endings...

that go on and on forever...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Making it really hard to hold in your pee.

NARRATOR (CONT’D) A film with such fake emotional stakes - Gandalf

will sacrifice himself for his friends, only to somehow come back to life, making

it not really a sacrifice...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) And a story where the protagonists can’t

win their own battles without convenient Ghost Armies, Living Trees and Magic Eagles...

PIPPEN “The Eagles are coming!”

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Ughh, I can’t believe we’re only half

way through this Peter Jackson nerdgasm.

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Happy Hanukkah Screen Junkies! Make sure to

check out our trailer for Jewish Elf…

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Oh and if you think I sound different, read

the description below…

NARRATOR (CONT’D) And don’t forget to leave a comment with

something you’d like to hear me say in my epic voice.