[SCREAMING AND CLAPPING]

Are you ready?

You ready?

Yes!

Yesterday, Apple made a huge announcement.

That's my announcement.

[LAUGHING]

It just seemed like everybody was so excited

about their announcement, so I thought

if I also said I have a huge, I would get the same kind of, so.

Anyway.

Yeah.

They announced that the iPhone X is out now.

So the iPhone X .

If anyone has an iPhone, just throw that away.

Just immediately on your way out just

find a trash can and toss it.

Here's what happened yesterday.

They announced the iPhone 8 and then five minutes later they

announced the new iPhone X .

So the iPhone 8 is already out.

They went from 8 to 10, and I bet

you're wondering what happened to iPhone 9?

I think it's clear.

Seven eight (ate) nine.

[Applause]

Get it?

Seven eight (ate) nine.

Anybody have kids?

I'm not going to talk about the 8, because who cares?

I'm going to talk about the 10,

and I have one of those clickers they use at Apple

for the big presentations.

And so.

All right, so here this is the iPhone, this is iPhone X.

And it sells for $1,000.

[BOOING]

The X stands for expensive.

[LAUGHING]

Expensive.

Here's one of the big changes right here.

The glass is not only in the front,

and now it is also in the back.

So now you can break both sides.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's for those of us who crack the front and thought,

I could do better.

I know I can.

No, it's actually a good thing, because now you

can charge your phone without plugging it in.

Yeah.

You put it on like a hot plate.

Any hot plate, I think.

You just turn it up as hot as it goes,

and I think that charges faster.

Hot plates are going to sell out.

Hot plates are going to sell like hot plates, you guys.

They also made the screen bigger.

It's not that big.

That's not life size.

That'd be ridiculous.

It's 5.8 inches and 4.8 when it's cold.

And--

[LAUGHING]

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you.

And here's the coolest part.

To unlock your phone, it uses facial recognition.

Look at this.

This is so weird.

I don't even know how this is working.

This is my garage clicker.

But anyways.

It works. So it uses facial recognition,

and here's how it works.

You just, you look at it, and it opens it.

And the technology is so smart all you have to do

is scan your face once.

And then again after you get a haircut.

And then again after you get a nose job.

And then again after you buy a hat.

And then again when you finally lose that 15 pounds

you've been trying to lose.

And then again when you gain that 15 pounds back.

The iPhone's going to keep you busy, you guys.

I think I've said enough to Apple.

They could maybe send me a free phone.

Don't you think I've said enough maybe?

[APPLAUSE]