My name is LeBryant Jordanicus Walton

and I've been ballin' for about...

16, maybe 17 hours now,

so I'm pretty much a big deal.

Captioned by SpongeSebastian

I mean, being a professional athlete,

I always start my day with a workout.

You know the usual. Push-ups.

One! [grunts]

Sit-ups.

One!

And, of course, your sprints.

Done.

I mean, people question my workout methods all the time,

but like the saying goes, it's either quantity or quality,

and I don't believe in quality, so I do that whole workout

you just saw, like, three times. Not a big deal.

Anyway, after I work out,

I always meet up my coach at the courts.

I mean, he practically lives there; he's always there.

He is so dedicated.

Hands down, the best coach I ever had.

He gives me the best advice and tips.

-So what you wanna do here is put the ball in the basket,

then it's gonna go to the next...and then hit the ground.

See? What you didn't do there

was put the ball in the basket and make it go through the net

and make it swish out, but it did hit the ground though,

so you put the team on the back doe.

-But sometimes when I need the extra help,

I hit on my cousin Jeremy Lin,

who happens to be the first Asian-American

to ever play in the NBA.

-What up, man? You said you needed help?

-Sup, dude? Thank you so much for coming, man,

I appreciate it.

-No problem. -Hey, could you get our ball down, actually?

-Yeah, uh, sure.

-Aw, thank you so much, man.

I appreciate it, peace out.

-Man, I don't know why he doesn't use me.

I mean, I could really help him.

I'm his cousin, but maybe he just doesn't respect me.

Maybe it's 'cause...

I mean, I'm not black.

-This is my logic:

LeBron James, Kobe Bryant,

Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson,

[stuttering]: Kareem Abdul Jabbar...

What do they all have in common?

That's right, they all have the letter A in their name.

Jeremy Lin? I don't think so,

and you know what they say, no A, no way,

so no wonder he can't even dunk.

-Ow!

-You know, part of being a professional athlete,

you're always gonna have endorsements and sponsors,

so yes, I have been in a commercial before,

not a big dea--

-Hey LeBryant...

You wanna do some marijuana cigarettes

and cocktails?

-[gasps]

Yes.

-Nikey, just do s--t.

-I've even done those commercial where they take

an old clip and put it in black-and-white and slow-mo

and make it look all epic and stuff.

[gentle piano music playing, crowd cheering faintly]

But overall, I just wanna say that basketball is my favorite sport,

and this silly little lockout that's happening is just

silly. I just wanna watch

basketball, so please,

please,

please... end the lockout.

How did I get out here?

[door hinge rattles]

-Bad jokes with Ryan

Teehee

Teehee!

-[sighs]

Come on, man. It's been a long day.

-You're not getting in, Jeremy. You're not getting in.

-How long are you gonna drag this out?

-Looks like you're... locked out. [laughs]

-Too soon, man. Too soon.

What the hell?

I mean people question my workout meth--[mumbles]

You know, being a professional at--[mutters]

-That's like way too--

-You know what they say, no A, no way, so...

[grumbles] So close.

-Didn't shoot the-- what was it?

[laughter]

-He's so dedicated to this sport... [phone beeps]

I mean...

I lost my train of thought.

Thank you, iPhone... S.

I don't have that one yet.