and now I'm making tomato sauce!

Should I just move to Italy now or what?

♪♫Fai schifo a cuchinaray, yeah totalmente schifo♪♫

All right, so the first thing you're gonna do is select your tomatoes.

You could take a classic ground tomato...

...or a boxed tomato...

...you could grab a micro tomato...

...or a powdered tomato...

...you could order subscription tomatoes...

...grab a tubmato...

...or a budmato...

...or just-the-tipmato...

...or a teamato...

...a tiemato...

...a flymato...

JUST PICK ONE! Okay?

Your indecisiveness is super irritating.

I'm gonna chose to work with the Russian tomato.

These things are a really great bargain...

...you cut it open...

...you can take out the inside tomato...

...then you cut this guy open...

...get another little baby tomato in here...

...and then we cut this guy open...

...this beautiful little can of tomatoes.

So I'm just gonna go ahead, and open this can.

*tiny can opening noises*

*splat*

*kish*

*dook dook*

*chop*

*chop chop*

*chop chop chop*

*choppity chop*

*swish*

*choppity chop chop*

*choppity freaking chop*

Put in some olive oil.

Throw in the garlic and onion.

And we'll just cook this for a few minutes, till everything's soft.

Sometimes when you're sautéing, it will put you in the mood to sing, uh...

...an Italian song like:

*Italian cooking chants*

Also, it might not.

Let's add in the tomatoes.

Gonna add in some salt...

...some pepper-pepper-pepper.

If you want a little bit of spice, add in a few chilli flakes.

While that's cooking, let's play a game called:

Spoiler Alert!

Now let's chop some fresh basil.

*chop, cut, chop*

*cut, cut, chop*

*chop, chop, ching*

Just get the basil in there.

If you know what I know...

...then you know there's no such thing as too much basil.

But if you don't know what I know...

...then...

...honestly, I just dunno.

If you don't find the flavor complete or it's too acidic...

...add just a little bit of sugar.

And... I mean... that's pretty much it.

It's just a basic tomato sauce...

...and you can do a bunch of different things with it.

Like...

You can put it on spaghetti...

...you can make shakshuka...

...you can use it as fake blood for a Halloween prank...

...you can put it out as a decorative center piece for a few months...

...and, you know, serve it to one of your friends, and wait until they inevitably say:

"Wow, this tomato sauce is amazing! It must be Ragú!"

Then you'll say:

"No, actually."

"I made it myself."

♪♫Don't gotta eat no tomata♪♫

♪♫If I don't wanna but I do, cause it's great♪♫

♪♫Take off a plate and shove it to my face♪♫

♪♫It's the greatest thing I ate today♪♫

♪♫So I say, yo♪♫

♪♫To-may-to!♪♫

♪♫To-mah-to!♪♫

♪♫Full Thrott-le♪♫

♪♫It's the greatest thing inside my face♪♫

♪You know tomato♫♪♫