When you are experiencing

當妳正歷經

the effects of your monthly menstrual cycle,

每月一次的生理週期時

does blood come out of your vagina

經血是不是總在妳最不方便的時候

at the most inconvenient times?

從妳的陰道流出來呢？

Are you tired of ruining your best clothes?

妳是不是受夠了弄髒妳的好衣服呢？

Does the idea of playing sports or even just standing up

想到做運動或只是站起身

and feeling like a jellyfish glorped out

就會感覺像有一隻水母從妳體內滑出來

of you make you nervous?

是不是讓妳覺得緊張？

Hello.

妳好

My name is Roger Horton, and I'm here to sell you

我叫做 Roger Horton ，在這我要推銷給妳

our Horton Family Vaginal Blood Absorbency Sticks.

我們 Horton 家的陰道經血吸收棒

Our Vaginal Blood Absorbency Sticks are pretty good

我們家的陰道經血吸收棒非常

at soaking up a majority of that monthly shedding

善於吸收每個月大量剝落的子宮內膜

of uterine lining, and we think you'll be moderately pleased

我們相信，當這些產品改善妳的生活時

with how they improve your life.

妳將會感到相當愉悅

We want you to know that your shark week

我們想讓妳知道，當妳使用我們的吸收棒

will be mostly mess free when you use our absorbent sticks.

妳淌血的一週會變得簡單許多

(laughs)

(笑聲)

And we'll never say period.

而且我們絕對不會說月經

We'll always use a slightly embarrassing

我們一定會用有些令人尷尬

or straight up shaming euphemism for the thing

或是直白、令人害羞的隱晦字眼代表

that almost every fertile woman has to do.

幾乎每個有生育能力的女人都會經歷的事

To convince you to buy our product we're currently

為了說服妳購買我們的產品，我們廣告

playing trendy, upbeat music while simultaneously

都會播放流行、快樂的配樂

inundating you with images of active

搭配許多各種看起來雀躍、

and seemingly carefree young women

自在的年輕女性形象

who are not currently experiencing the effects

這些女性在當下並非處在

of menstruation.

生理期

This will make you wish to also be happy and carefree

這會讓妳抱有期望能夠同樣快樂無憂

while not currently experiencing the cramping, nausea,

而不是歷經腹絞痛、噁心、

headaches or whatever personal effects

頭痛，或其他生理期會帶來的個人影響

of menstruation you get which is obviously something

很明顯，那些絕對是

that our fluffy, absorby stick simply cannot deliver.

我們的蓬鬆吸收棒無法傳達的意象

During this time when you are, as they would say

在這段期間，當妳正在，套句他們的話

in Spain defrosting the steak.

在西班牙解凍牛排

You know because your period is similar

懂嗎？因為妳的月經就像是

to a dead, bloody, slab of meat, see?

一塊死氣沉沉、血液橫溢的肉排

Everyone, everywhere agrees that your menstruation

各地的所有人都同意，妳的經期太煩人了

is too disturbing and shouldn't really be discussed.

所以不該被拿出來討論

So we promise to never show red in our commercials

因此我們承諾，絕對不會在廣告中的

for absorbent vaginal discharge products.

陰道排洩物吸收產品上使用紅色

Anything that would normally be described as red

任何正常而言是紅色的東西

such as blood, we are committed to always portraying

比如血液，我們承諾永遠

as blue.

用藍色代替

We also promise to exclusively represent your period

我們也承諾用模糊的形象，比如潦草的線條

with vague images of squiggly lines, bouncing balls,

或是彈跳球和氣球，來專指

and balloons.

妳的經期

You know, because men could be watching this,

妳知道嘛，男性也可能會看到這個廣告

and we don't want to ick them out.

我們不會想噁心到他們

Unless you are younger than 10 to 14 years of age

除非妳還沒到 10 到 14 歲

which is when most women experience puberty.

那時多數女性會面臨青春期

Every potential baby carrier is intimately familiar

每一位可能孕育寶寶的女性對於生理週期

with the menstrual cycle.

都有熟悉的親身經歷

If your egg hasn't been fertilized by a male's sperm,

如果妳的卵子並未被男性的精子授精

your body will shed the bloody, viscous lining

妳的身體就會開始剝離子宮

of its uterus.

血淋淋、黏糊糊的內膜

Menstrual blood then oozes out of your uterus

接著，經血就會從妳的子宮泄出來

through a small opening in your cervix

經過妳子宮頸的小小開口

and gushes out of your vagina.

奔流出妳的陰道

Gross.

噁心

We know.

我們了解

No one wants to sit around in a sticky cavern

沒有人會想身處在一個黏踢踢的、不舒服的狀態

of discomfort which is why you should buy

這也是為什麼妳應該購買

our Vaginal Blood Soak 'Em Up Sticks.

我們的陰道血液吸好吸滿棒

Our Soak 'Em Ups are made with real, non-organic cotton

我們的吸好吸滿採用真實非有機棉

and rayon along with synthetic fibers such as viscose rayon

以及人造絲和人造纖維，如纖維膠

which is added to increase absorbency.

這些材質能夠增加吸收力

That's why our sticks can carry more than 20 times

這也是為什麼我們的吸血棒能夠承載相當於他們重量

their weight in blood.

二十倍的血液

Viscose rayon is just a fancy word for wood pulp.

纖維膠不過是木漿的時髦說法

We prepare this pulp for your vagina

為了妳的陰道，

by using the disinfectant chlorine dioxide.

我們用二氧化氯將這根木漿消毒

This process produces trace amounts of dioxin

這個消毒過程會殘留少量的戴奧辛

which is known to cause reproductive

戴奧辛已知會引發

and developmental impairment.

生育和發育的損傷

But don't worry because the FDA says that dioxins

不過別擔心，因為美國食品藥物管理局表示

in our absorbent blood sticks exist

我們的吸血棒裡的戴奧辛含量極低

at extremely low levels and are hardly detectable.

以至於幾乎偵測不到

So keep sticking those chemicals up there ladies.

所以女士們，繼續把這些化學塞在那裡吧

Hey.

嘿

Did you know that in Denmark your period is called

妳知道嗎？在丹麥，經期被稱為

Communist in the Gazebo?

露台上的共產主義者

Get it?

懂嗎？

Because communists are red, and so is menstrual blood.

因為共產主義者是紅的，經血也是紅的！

Anyway, our competitors may claim that their product

總之呢，我們的競爭業者聲稱他們的產品

is made by a female gynecologist but not me.

是由一位女婦產科醫師所設計，但我可不是

Because I am a man.

因為我是一個男人

Which is why you can trust that I created products designed

這也是為何妳可以信任我的產品設計

to keep your Aunt Flo as discreet as possible.

宗旨在盡可能讓妳的大姨媽乖一點

Heads up.

接著

Look, gals.

聽著，妹子

The truth is that menstruation is a bodily function just

事實是，經期是身體機能的一部分

like pooing or peeing.

就像便便或是尿尿

Most modern women experience an average

大多數現代女性一生平均經歷

of 450 menstrual cycles and are expected to use

450 個月經週期，估計在停經前

at least 10,000 hygienic blood sticks during the course

會使用至少

of their child bearing lifetime.

一萬支衛生吸血棒

So you might as well stop complaining about it

所以妳最好別抱怨了

and buy our product.

乖乖買我們的產品

Hell, we'll even tack on a luxury tax even though you have

見鬼的，我們甚至要附加奢侈稅，就算這是

to buy this.

妳的必需品

I mean you could always just suck it up, right?

我的意思是，妳能夠嘴巴閉上、挺過難關，是不？

Just be sure not to leave our sticks of

妳只要記得，別讓我們的

blood absorbing fabric shoved up inside of you

血液吸收纖維棒待在妳的陰道裡

for too long.

太久

Otherwise you may run the risk of developing

否則妳可能會有風險得到

Toxic Shock Syndrome, or TSS, which is a rare

中毒性休克綜合症，簡稱 TSS，染上這種病症的

but life-threatening bacterial infection.

機率很小，但是一碰上就可能要妳命

But if you don't want to shove a potentially poisonous

但若是妳不想在妳的小妹妹那裡塞一根可能有毒的血布

blood rag into your who-ha, we're happy to also offer

我們也很高興能提供給妳

new Horton Family Blood Absorbing Diaper Stickers.

新一代 Horton 牌血液吸收尿布貼

Simply take one of our stickers off

只需要把帶有黏性的那面貼紙撕掉

of its adhesive backing, apply it to the inside

然後貼到妳的內褲內側

of your underwear, and allow yourself the luxury

噠啦，你就得到了

of just simply sitting in a pool of room temperature

一整天坐在室溫液體中的

liquid all day.

殊榮

But don't worry we have a luxury tax for that too.

不過別擔心，這也有附加奢侈稅

You and your luxurious blood puddle.

妳和妳那奢侈的血塘啊

So the next time you are riding the crimson wave pick

所以當下一次妳的紅潮來襲時

up a box of The Horton Family Vaginal Blood Absorbency Soak

選購一盒 Horton 牌陰道經血

'Em Up Sticks.

吸好吸滿棒

Because they're probably better than wearing nothing.

畢竟那至少比什麼都沒用來得好

Crimson wave was a clueless reference.

紅潮可是說來就來

I'm Roger, by the way.

順帶一提，我是 Roger

Not sure if I mentioned that earlier.

不確定我前面說過沒