Return Of the Pearl Princess

is being dubbed into English

for American audiences.

This show is about the adventures of Chinese princess

in the year 1759, during the Ching dynasty,

and it is beloved in China.

Okay? They just love this show.

Well, for some reason,

the producers of the Return of the Pearl Princess,

asked Andy and I to be the English voices

that they dub in for American audiences.

I'm not kidding about this.

Yeah.

They just heard that like,

"Oh, these are big guys in America, they're a big deal."

They should do it. They didn't do their research, clearly.

The offer came in and we had to say yes.

So, the other day, Andy and I went over to a production studio

in North Hollywood.

This all really happened, and well, here's the deal.

Check it out.

Hey, Andy and I are here at Bang Zoom Studios,

and we're here for a very special project.

This is Bran.

Bran.

- You have the number one show in China. - Yup.

You've come to America,

and you're letting us be the voices,

the English voices of the show.

This is a terrible mistake.

I'm warning you.

Just so you know.

We were honest up front, your career is through,

let's go and destroy the most beloved show in China, shall we?

Could you tell us basically what we're doing?

OK, basically, we're going to take this Chinese dialogue

and we're gonna dub it into English.

You said episode 22?

Episode 22, and it will say "Scene 1."

I think we have our motivation,

I think we understand, and I think we're ready to go.

Your majesty, please pardon me, forgive me.

Who told you to investigate Sparrow? Talk!

It was the emperor.

What emperor?

When did I tell you to interrogate?

I... talking too slowly.

Who gave you such orders?

I'm not catching up with... you're ahead of me

Did I see the documents?

I'm lost on the page...

Whose orders?!

I'm lost.

Now you say, just say "A eunuch."

Now listen, we got a little behind

I won't let that happen again.

Alright.

I hope Bran is OK with this, but script is fine,

but Andy and I are professionals,

we like to add a little spice this go around.

Ah... your majesty.....

Why are you wearing the royal bath towel?

Take it off.

I was told to wear this...

Told by whom?

Not me, not me at all.

I was told by... the ladies of The View.

"Wear this!"

Which one was it?

Joy Behar.

Joy Behar! I hate her.

She's funnier than the others.

Whoopi's funny!

Whoopi's never been funny!

Don't you talk to me that way.

That's just a better scene.

Very good.

- Take off your mask. - No!

Now listen to me, when the prince is speaking,

you will remain silent.

Is that understood?

Now, which one of you took the magic corn cob?

Magic corn cob?

- I had nothing to do with any corn cob! - Aaaaaaaah!

I got this knife online.

Don't show them the knife now.

Show it to them later.

I wanna see the knife, too.

I wanna see whatever cutlery you have.

You will see no cutlery.

Alright, I'm fine. I won't see no cutlery.

And I won't show you the knob on top of my hat.

You won't get to touch it either.

I must see the knob on your hat.

Crack!

That's the sound my knuckles make

when it's moist in the air.

And I haven't have any Tylenol.

My best friend, Tylenol.

Crack!

Let's go to the new scene.

Very quickly hit the Purple Hooligan

Wait there's a Purple Hooligan?

Well, that was fun. You're ready to give up now?

Or you want more?

Who you think you are? (unintelligible)

Ah! Dumpling!

Who else wants to talk?

- Let get out of here. - Dumplings!

- They taste delicious! - Don't let him throw soup! - They're high in salt!

Let me I understand what I just saw.

There is a tough guy in the ground...

The Purple Hooligan.

...and the good guy, to shut him up,

kicks a dumpling into his mouth.

In the Wild West, they used six-shooters,

in the Qing dynasty, they used dumplings.

I think they are afraid because they're so high in sodium.

Well also, too, there's no dipping sauce.

Alright, we are in the emperor's quarters,

and we'll give you a preview.

Look at that hot kissing on a rock.

Shh, hold up, can we start it again? I'm trying to get into the mood.

I'm sorry. There are some sexy action.

Shut up! Dammit!

I'm trying to get into the mind of a Tibetan chieftain.

Nooo! Oh! You've got a Hobbit door.

Hey! As it turned out, Sayat changed her mind.

Yes she wants to know, to no longer marry ER Kang.

Now she wants to marry ER Tai.

Classic Tibetan fickleness.

I told you it'd be the other way.

You talked for too long, and now I'm in a pickle,

you see, because of your talking too long.

Let's go get pickles.

Hahahaha

I don't even know what they are.

This gonna be hard.

This is not a easy one.

You know just as well as I do.

There are so many misunderstandings and so many problems.

Yes, yes, that's true.

It's true what you say, but I didn't rehearse this part.

And now, I'm just filling in.

And now.

Yes, I know what we could do.

No, I can do... we can go to IKEA, we can build...

Would you like lingonberries?

It's not very traditional Chinese dish, but lingonberries,

they're delicious,

like cranberries! In fact, I think they just are cranberries.

- Has anybody— - You're just acting like a mad man!

When I say I'm going to IKEA, I meant to buy furniture.

You're talking about lingonberries!

That's insanity!

There's meatballs, too.

It just don't have to be lingonberries.

Now I'm talking off camera, I can say whatever I want!

Oh, I back, hello.

Look, let's just get out of here and go to IKEA like you said.

Wait a minute!

That's crazy, Will.

You have to have money to buy something in IKEA.

They don't take... Chinese currency!

Now, wait a minute I have one more thing to say.

I think is important for you,

stop making the noises while I'm talking to you.

That's rude... to keep saying those things...

those... noises you're making, while I'm trying to speak,

are madness!

Now, if it is...

I love you!

I've always loved you.

Bran, what do you think of the work that Andy and I did today?

Did you enjoy it?

Yeah!

I was just informed a minutes ago,

by the United States Treasury,

that, by us, doing the show you today,

we have erased America's debt, financial debt, to China,

completely erased.

And Andy and I are being awarded to congressional medals,

so thank you.

Thank you Conan, thank you, what's your name?

Andy.

Andy?

Yes.