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(Cues: Invader - Jim Johnston)

Wiz: Fiction has a very fragile set of rules.

Authors should be wary, as one small crack can be enough to smash the boundary

and send their stories careening out of control.

Boomstick: Are we really doing this?

Wiz: We're really doing this.

Boomstick: Well here's Deadpool, Marvel's Merc with a Mouth.

Wiz: And Pinkie Pie; Equestria's peppy party pony.

Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.

Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE.

Wiz: Loneliness.

Depression.

Cancer.

When you think of the Merc with a Mouth, these are unlikely to be the first things

you associate with the assassin called Deadpool.

Yet before the red and black suit, these were the ingredients in life of Wade Wilson.

Boomstick: Blah, blah, blah. We've been over this before.

How about we just skip to the best parts?

Deadpool: Hold up, hold up, hold up!

You can't just skip my amazing origin story like that.

I have a movie now, so we have all this crispy new footage to use...

for educational purposes, of course.

Boomstick: Wiz, he's back!

Where's my shotgun?

Wiz: Just ignore him.

In short, Wilson was a mercenary who developed cancer.

Deadpool: I had 34 tumors.

They were literally everywhere.

Boomstick: Sooo, the guys who messed with Wolverine picked him up,

injected him with weird healing fluids, and turned him into a rotten testicle.

Hey, that would've been a much better superhero name for you.

Deadpool: Whatever you say, Captain Bucktooth.

You know as well as I do I'm kind of a big deal. And I've always lived that lit, fresh mercenary life.

(Now doing an Australian accent) And I even partner up with famous little Wolvie on occasion.

(Back to his normal voice) like when I worked with the...

X-Force.

Boomstick: Damn, where's your mute button?

Deadpool: I probably left it in the Savage Land after my dinosaur rodeo.

Boomstick: What?

Deadpool: Oh yeah check it out.

I took a selfie, #nofilter.

Boomstick: Huh?

Would you look at that.

Wiz: Speaking of Wolverine, Deadpool gained a healing factor from those experiments which easily trumps anything the X-Man can do.

He's strong enough to redirect a rouge helicopter, fights faster than a normal man can react, and is an expert marksman with virtually any weapon he touches.

Deadpool: To all my adoring fans out there you know what I'm all about.

Swords; I got 'em.

They're made out of this nano-ceramic fiber sharp enough to cut through Spidey's webs and right through his franchise.

Grenades, shurikens, bolas and sais; all of that good Naruto stuff.

I got 'em on deck, baby.

Personal fave though; bullets.

I spread 'em like Santa spreads Christmas joy.

Boomstick: Are those Heckler and Koch Mark 23 pistols?

Deadpool: Yeah, but they can be whatever you want them to be, baby.

[kiss]

Boomstick: Oh right, you got the magic bag with the elephant.

Deadpool: Wait, what're you talking about?

What elephant?

Wiz: After gaining his enhanced abilities Deadpool's life only got stranger.

He's gone on time-traveling adventures with the mutant Cable,

joined the Agent X mercenary force,

temporarily gained the Power Cosmic, and even got involved in a love triangle involving Death.

Deadpool: Oh, that whole debacle?

OK, so get this.

You know the Grim Reaper, Specter of Death and all that?

Well, turns out she's this sexy hot skeleton babe and she totally digs the Deadpool!

But our Facebook statuses are still on "Its complicated."

Because I'd have to die to be with her. And then Thanos shows up to try and take her for himself.

He cursed me with immortality so I could never see my boo again!

But he later took the curse back because he really wanted to kill me, but he can't. Because then I'd win, and he knows it.

Boomstick: Gah! And I thought I had issues.

Deadpool: ♪ Must suck to be a galactic lord. ♫

Pretty good for a Vancouver Canadian, right?

Wiz: Deadpool may be effective as a wisecracking merc, but when he gets serious he becomes nigh-unstoppable,

as far as super-enhanced, cancer-ridden assassins go.

He's gone toe-to-toe against Captain America, infiltrated Doctor Doom's country of Latveria,

and defeated a horde of 100 ninjas while talking on the phone.

Boomstick: Even if you could top that fighting skill, Deadpool healing factor puts him on a whole 'nother level.

It's let him dive head-first out of a moving plane,

survived the friggin' Chrysler Building falling on top of him, strolled right out of nuclear explosions,

and even regenerated from being turned into a puddle.

Though that same healing factor is part of Deadpool's biggest weakness.

Deadpool: Hey, are you dissing me, bub?

Wiz: No, Boomstick actually has a pretty good point.

Years of immortality has let you get away with being sloppy in your approach,

which allows a clever enough opponent to gain the upper hand.

Like this.

Deadpool: Hey, what, what...

Aw, hey, hey, what's that?

What're you doing!?

No! You monsters!

I won't go the way of Amazing Spider-Man!

Wiz: Oh, quit whining, you'll be back.

Deadpool: NOOOOOOOOO!

Boomstick: Since when could you do that?!

Wiz: It's been two years since our last Deadpool episode.

I've had plenty of prep time.

Wiz: The land of Equestria.

A magical kingdom full of rolling plains, beautiful mountain ranges, and rainbows.

A place where you just can't help but be happy...

Unless you happen to live on a rock farm.

Boomstick: The hell's a rock farm?

Like, a quarry?

Wiz: No, no, no. They literally farm rocks.

For these ponies, rocks were their life.

They harvested rocks, they sculpted rocks, they played with rocks, they built their homes from rocks, they even ate rocks.

Boomstick: Well, one pony on this farm wasn't quite as rock-crazy as the rest of her family.

Oh no, she's a whole 'nother level of crazy.

This is Pinkamina Diane Pie.

Just call her Pinkie Pie.

Wiz: One day, chipping away at the grueling rock fields as always,

Pinkie witnessed something that would change her life forever.

Boomstick: Colors!

Wiz: The very sight of this unprecedented explosion of color,

which originated from Rainbow Dash's first legendary Sonic Rainboom,

instantly brought Pinkie the most joy she had ever felt in her life.

Brimming with happiness, she wanted to share her newfound jubilation with her grim-faced family.

Boomstick: So, she stayed up all night organizing a surprise party.

It was so off the chain, that it made them all smile for the first time.

Which was actually quite horrifying.

Wiz: That's when she finally realized that her life's mission was meant to bring joy to all.

Boomstick: Wait, what's that thing on her butt?

Wiz: Oh, that's a Cutie Mark. Every pony gets one when they discover their calling in life.

Boomstick: Oh, I got one of those.

After I found out alcohol and guns were my calling, I woke up and found a beer bottle crossed with two shotguns on my left butt cheek.

Wiz: Boomstick, that's a tattoo. You don't remember it because you passed out drunk in the parlor chair.

Boomstick: But booze and weapons do define my life, don't they?

Wiz: Well, sure, but...

Boomstick: Then it's fate.

Anyway, now that she had something better to do than farm rocks for a living, Pinkie left home and ended up in Ponyville.

She landed a job and bed at the Sugarcube Corner bakery,

and set out to befriend every single pony in town, usually with a welcoming song and dance.

Pinkie Pie: ♪ Welcome welcome welcome, a fine welcome to you! ♫

♪ Welcome welcome welcome DEATH BATTLE, how do you do? ♫

Boomstick: Wait.

What the-

How does it know, Wiz?!

Wiz: I guess now's as good a time as any to mention that Pinkie Pie also sees past the Fourth Wall.

Pinkie Pie: Sorry, did I interrupt you guys?

Boomstick: Nah, we were just trying to do a show. But yeah, by all means, tell 'em about yourself while I go grab a beer.

Pinkie Pie: Well, I can sing, I can dance, I throw the bestest parties, I can...

Boomstick: No no no.

(Opens a beer)

The awesome stuff! give 'em something lethal!

Pinkie: What?

I'd neve hurt anyone!

Well, unless it's an evil, shapeshifting Changeling.

That's why I never leave home without my Party Cannon!

Usually, this beauty can set up an entire party in a single shot. But when things get tough, I use it to smother my enemies in bubbles of cake batter!

It's my own recipe. Wanna try some bubble gum cupcakes?

They're fresh, and sticky!

Boomstick: Eh, I'm good.

Pinkie Pie: Okay, also, I think one time my party cannon blew up half a building!

But that totally wasn't my fault!

Wiz: Uh, well, Pinkie Pie's party cannon is child's play compared to her own abilities.

Her body seems to have highly elastic properties, allowing her to stretch impossible distances,

inflate like a balloon, or, more practically, shake off hits powerful enough to send her through walls.

Pinkie Pie: Bathtubs are dangerous.

Boomstick: On top of all that, her mane can morph into a drill and tunnel through the earth.

She's fast enough to keep up with Rainbow Dash, and she can control the very laws of physics!

Fluttershy: So, um, do we walk back up the slide, or-or what?

Boomstick: Even if you think you've got the upper hand on her, she's got her own Pinkie Sense that lets her predict oncoming threats.

Pinkie Pie: The twitching means my Pinkie Sense is telling me that stuffs gonna start falling.

Sometimes it's a bunch of random things happening in my body at random times that supposedly predict the future, I call 'em "combos".

Boomstick: Her Pinkie Sense is so precise, she can expertly maneuver through a collapsing skyscraper under construction, while saving four other ponies.

Wiz: Pinkie Sense?

How about nonsense?

None of this is scientifically possible!

Pinkie Pie: Sometimes you just have to believe in things, even in you can't figure them out.

Wiz: No, I can't do that!

Deciphering the impossible is literally what we do here!

Boomstick: The hell's with all the these ponies?

Are they all like this?

Why?

Wiz: Oh, this madness goes even further.

Even if you were just somehow damage Pinkie Pie's body, she can just reassemble herself on the spot.

And no one can escape her, not even Rainbow Dash. You know, the pony who can fly over 3,800 miles per hour?

Boomstick: Guess we should all be thankful that she uses these powers for good, with the help of her friends.

Pinkie's saved the world several times, like when her group went up against a glowy horse powerful enough to move the moon.

Wiz: Pinkie's spastic demeanor might make her seem like a hapless child, but she's actually pretty smart.

She knows the namesake, birthdays, preferences, and locations of every single citizen of Ponyville by memory.

She's so meticulous, she plans things out decades in advance from her secret, party planning batcave.

She also frequently alters her own personal gravity, without having to effect the world around her.

By inexplicably changing physics like this, Pinkie Pie is theoretically capable of, well, just about anything.

Broomstick: Okay, for a peppy pink pony, this filly is actually kinda scary.

Only way it could get any worse is if there were a whole army of Pinkie Pie's.

Pinkie Pie: Heheh, funny you should say that.

Boomstick: No...

No no no!

Pinkie Pie: I can always use the mirror pool, my Nana Pinkie taught me how to use it to duplicate myself over and over and over and...

Wiz: Pony! No more, no more! Just go back to Ponyville.

You'll-you'll be getting a new visitor soon, very soon. Like, right now soon.

Pinkie: (Gasps)

Really? Oh my gosh, I can't wait!

Boomstick: Well, good thing she's easily distracted.

She may be some weird, ultra powerful cartoon being, but she's anything but a fighter.

Wiz: What's more, she can be emotionally fragile at times.

If her mood turns negative, she loses her will to do the one thing she loves most; spreading happiness to every pony she meets.

Boomstick: And like it or not, Pinkie will spread happiness to you, no matter how hard you struggle.

Pinkie Pie: Isn't this exciting?

Are you excited?

Because I'm excited, I've never been so excited, well, except for the time I went.

(gasps), but I mean...

Wiz: All right, the combatants are set.

Let's end this debate once and for all!

Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!