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  • BUT TODAY-- ( LAUGHTER )

  • BUT TODAY, WE LEARNED WHY TRUMP MAY BE ACTING LIKE THIS.

  • ACCORDING TO A NEW BOOK CALLED "FIRE AND FURY," DONALD TRUMP

  • DIDN'T WANT TO BE PRESIDENT.

  • HE DIDN'T WANT HIM TO WIN.

  • THERE'S A NAME FOR THAT: THE MAJORITY OF AMERICAN VOTERS.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TRUMP--

  • ( APPLAUSE ) TRUMP WAS PLANNING ON FAILING

  • AND WALKING AWAY WITH THE FAME AND THE MONEY.

  • OR, AS THE ARTICLE DESCRIBES IT, "THIS WAS A REAL-LIFE VERSION OF

  • MEL BROOKS' 'THE PRODUCERS.'" IN SOME WAYS, IT STILL IS.

  • JUST LOOK AT ALL THE HAPPY NAZIS!

  • >> Jon: OOOOH.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT?

  • AM I BEING TOO HARD ON NAZIS?

  • I DIDN'T REALIZE WE HAD SO MANY NAZI FANS HERE TONIGHT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A BRILLIANT PLAN.

  • BUT THEN TRAGEDY STRUCK: HE WON.

  • DONALD JR. TOLD A FRIEND THAT, ON ELECTION NIGHT, "HIS FATHER

  • LOOKED AS IF HE HAD SEEN A GHOST.

  • MELANIA WAS IN TEARS-- AND NOT OF JOY."

  • REALLY, MELANIA CRIED ON ELECTION NIGHT.

  • THAT IS THE FIRST THING WE HAVE IN COMMON.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OTHER THAN, OF COURSE, OUR SMOKY

  • EYES.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS )

  • THANK YOU.

  • NO, THANK YOU.

  • THE CAMPAIGN WAS IN SUCH DISARRAY THAT HIS CLOSEST

  • ADVISORS HAD NO FAITH IN HIM, LIKE TRUMP STRATEGIST AND

  • VINCENT D'ONOFRIO FROM "MEN IN BLACK," STEVE BANNON.

  • "GOT ANY SUGAR WATER?" WHEN HE CAME ON BOARD IN AUGUST,

  • BANNON THOUGHT THE CAMPAIGN WAS DONE FOR.

  • HE DESCRIBED IT AS "THE BROKE DICK CAMPAIGN."

  • OUR PREVIOUS PRESIDENT WAS A PROFESSOR OF CONSTITUTIONAL LAW.

  • BUT IN TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN EARLY ON, "A CAMPAIGN STAFFER WAS SENT

  • TO EXPLAIN THE CONSTITUTION TO THE CANDIDATE."

  • YOU CAN'T HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THE

  • CONSTITUTION IS.

  • THAT'S LIKE A PILOT SAYING, "ATTENTION, PASSENGERS, WE ARE

  • HEADING TOWARDS HOUSTON SO JUST SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE FLIGHT.

  • ONE QUICK THING, IF ANYONE BACK THERE KNOWS HOW TO GET TO

  • HOUSTON AND LAND A PLANE, PLEASE, JUST PUSH YOUR CALL

  • BUTTON.

  • AND I'M NOT SURE WHICH BUTTON THAT ONE STHOUGH."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> AND NOBODY IN TRUMP'S CIRCLE

  • SEEMED TO LIKE HIM VERY MUCH.

  • DURING THE TRANSITION TRUMP CALLED MURDOCH TO FLOAT A PLAN

  • THAT MURDOCH THOUGHT WOULD ALIENATE HIS BASE.

  • WHEN HE GOT OFF THE PHONE, MURDOCH REPORTEDLY SHRUGGED AND

  • SAID, "WHAT A (BLEEP) IDIOT."

  • TWO THINGS, MR. MURDOCH, ONE, YOU'RE AN AUSTRALIAN.

  • YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TALK ABOUT OUR PRESIDENT THAT WAY.

  • AND, 2, IS AUSTRALIA CURRENT ACCEPTS APPLICATION?

  • BECAUSE I'VE HEARD OUR PRESIDENT IS A (BLEEP) IDIOT.

  • EVEN TRUMP-- ( APPLAUSE )

  • THANK YOU, MR. MURDOCH.

  • ALL OF THIS PROVES ONCE AGAIN, WHICH IT COMES TO MR. TRUMP

  • EVERYTHING IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU THOUGHT IT WAS.

  • HIS ENTIRE SCHTICK IS JUST TRYING TO CONVINCE YOU YOU'RE

  • CRAZY FOR SEEING WHAT'S OBVIOUS WHICH MAKES SENSE.

  • THAT'S BASICALLY HOW YOU SELL LUXURY REAL ESTATE.

  • WAIT, WHY IS THIS SO EXPENSIVE?

  • AND WHY IS YOUR NAME ON THE BUILDING YOU? DIDN'T EVEN BUILD

  • IT?

  • "I'LL TELL YOU, BECAUSE IT'S GOT GOLD LEAF AND FAUX MARBLE FLOORS

  • AND LOTS OF FANCY FRENCH STUFF LIKE A BIDET AND A FOYER.

  • BY THE WAY, DON'T GET THOSE TWO CONFUSED."

  • TRUST ME.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS EXACTLY

  • HOW YOU THINK IT IS?

  • TRUMP AND HIS CAMPAIGN AND RUSSIA.

  • ONCE AGAIN, LET'S GO TO ANOTHER BOMBSHELL FROM FORMER TRUMP

  • ADVISER AND WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOUR SYPHILIS GETS HERPES, STEVE

  • BANNON.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IN HIS BOOK-- IN THIS BOOK--

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IN THIS SAME BOOK, BANNON

  • UNLOADED ON DON JR. FOR HIS INFAMOUS TRUMP TOWER MEETING

  • WITH RUSSIANS, SAYING, "EVEN IF YOU THOUGHT THAT THIS WAS NOT

  • TREASONOUS OR UNPATRIOTIC OR BAD (BLEEP)-- AND I HAPPEN TO THINK

  • IT'S ALL OF THAT-- YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED THE F.B.I.

  • IMMEDIATELY."

  • SO HE THINKS MANAFORT, DON JR., AND KUSHNER DID SOMETHING

  • "TREASONOUS, UNPATRIOTIC, AND BAD (BLEEP)."

  • COINCIDENTALLY, THOSE ARE ALSO THEIR SECRET SERVICE CODE

  • NAMES.

  • (BLEEP) BEST OF ALL-- YOU'RE WELCOME.

  • YOU'RE WELCOME.

  • WORST OF ALL, BANNON THINKS THEY DID IT WRONG.

  • "THE THREE SENIOR GUYS IN THE CAMPAIGN THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD

  • IDEA TO MEET WITH A FOREIGN GOVERNMENT INSIDE TRUMP TOWER,"

  • WHEN THEY SHOULD HAVE DONE IT AT "A HOLIDAY INN IN MANCHESTER,

  • NEW HAMPSHIRE."

  • SO HE'S BASICALLY SAYING "IT WAS UNPATRIOTIC TREASON!

  • HERE'S HOW I WOULD HAVE DONE IT."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND BANNON THINKS THEY SHOULD

  • HAVE HAD THEIR LAWYERS THERE SO ANY INFORMATION COULD THEN BE

  • DUMPED DOWN TO BREITBART, OR MAYBE SOME OTHER,

  • MORE-LEGITIMATE PUBLICATION.

  • MORE LEGITIMATE THAN BREITBART?

  • SO BAZOOKA JOE COMICS.

  • AND AND THE PLACEMAT AT LONG JOHN

  • SILVERS.

  • FIND THE MAIZE.

  • GO THROUGH THE MAZE.

  • THE COLLUSION IS AT THE CENTER OF THE MAZE.

  • AND BANNON IS NOT CONFIDENT THAT DON JR. CAN HANDLE THE PRESSURE

  • OF TESTIFYING BEFORE CONGRESS, SAYING, "THEY'RE GOING TO CRACK

  • DON JR. LIKE AN EGG ON NATIONAL TV."

  • THEY SURE ARE.

  • CNN IS ALREADY RUNNING A PROMO.

  • >> THIS IS THE SENATE.

  • THIS IS DON JR. TESTIFYING BEFORE THE SENATE.

  • ANY QUESTIONS?

  • >> Stephen: YEAH, I HAVE A QUESTION.

  • HOW SOON CAN THAT HAPPEN?

  • THIS AFTERNOON-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • SUPERBOWL RATINGS.

  • SUPERBOWL RATE.

  • RATINGS.

  • THIS AFTERNOON, TRUMP FIRED BACK HARD.

  • "STEVE BANNON HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME OR MY PRESIDENCY.

  • WHEN HE WAS FIRED, HE NOT ONLY LOST HIS JOB.

  • HE LOST HIS MIND."

  • NOW ALL HE HAS TO DO IS LOSE HIS DOG, AND HE'S GONNA HAVE AN

  • AWESOME COUNTRY SONG.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) STILL-- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • STILL-- ( APPLAUSE )

  • STILL, "LOST HIS MIND"?

  • THAT'S HARSH.

  • WHAT KIND OF STUFF HAS BANNON BEEN SAYING SINCE HE WAS

  • FIRED?

  • >> EVERY PERSON IN THIS COUNTRY SHOULD GET DOWN EVERY NIGHT AND

  • THANK GOD DONALD TRUMP IS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

  • >> Stephen: CLEARLY INSANE.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) DONALD TRUMP EVEN DOWNPLAYED

  • BANNON'S ROLE ON THE CAMPAIGN, SAYING, "STEVE WAS A STAFFER WHO

  • WORKED FOR ME AFTER I HAD ALREADY WON THE NOMINATION"

  • YEAH, BANNON WAS JUST A STAFFER.

  • OR AS SOME PEOPLE PRONOUNCE IT "CAMPAIGN C.E.O."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THOUGH, TRUMP ARGUED, "STEVE HAD

  • VERY LITTLE TO DO WITH OUR HISTORIC VICTORY."

  • I DO AGREE WITH TRUMP THERE.

  • THAT VICTORY WAS THE SELFLESS, UNCREDITED WORK OF ONE

  • EAGER YOUNG STAFFER.

  • TRUMP, TRUMP-- NEVER-- NEVER LEARNED HIS NAME.

  • DON'T KNOW WHO THAT KID IS.

  • THAT KID'S GOING PLACES.

  • >> Jon: I NEVER MET HIM, YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: TRUMPED WRAPPED IT ALL UP BY SAYING THAT WHILE HE

  • AND HIS SUPPORTERS ARE TRYING TO BUILD THE COUNTRY BACK UP,

  • BANNON IS "SIMPLY SEEKING TO BURN IT ALL DOWN."

  • THIS GUY'S CRAZY.

  • I MEAN, HE GOT ME ELECTED.

  • EVEN I DIDN'T WANT THAT."

  • WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT...

BUT TODAY-- ( LAUGHTER )

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