my name is Petrunyik Vlastominitz.

I thank you so much for being my foster parent.

Life in Elbonia has become so much better

since you began sending your 87 cents a week.

I now have a shoe,

and my vision has returned

to look upon the beautiful mud of my homeland.

Hopefully, one day you can visit me when the--

check one--

flood, famine, volcanic eruption, plague,

or war has/have ended.

Love, Petru.

Petru, your food problem may be over sooner than you think.

I'll start with a cup of coffee.

You're going to have

to make your own breakfast today.

I'm busy inventing a hybrid food plant

that could end world hunger forever.

Mm-hmm, that's fascinating.

I'll have two fried strips of the new thing

with hash browns and coffee.

Do you think banging you mug is going to work?

This is not a diner.

Okay, go back to becoming famous with your new food invention.

I'm not doing this to become famous,

though I admit that may be

an unavoidable consequence

of coming up with the greatest improvement

in food production since Squanto.

"Squanto"?

He showed the pilgrims that

if you put a fish in the ground with your corn seeds,

it fertilizes the plant.

How do you know Squanto

wasn't trying to grow a fish tree?

Maybe he was too lazy to dig his own hole.

Dogbert, what I'm working on here may once and for all

put the lie to the Malthusian imperative

and save humanity

from the grim prospect of a foodless future.

Put the what to who and save who from what?

What I've come up with is a nutritious hybrid

that will feed millions of people for pennies a day.

Do you want to see it?

Only if it goes good with jelly.

I inserted the DNA

from a prize-winning Norwegian cow

into the nucleus of a tomato seed.

Then I made it rectangular

so you can stack them more efficiently.

Part meat, part tomato.

I call it the tomeato.

Do you want to be the first to eat it?

That depends on the alternatives.

Is it too late

to dig up Squanto's fish?

Maybe we should test it on someone expendable first.

Ratbert.

Breakfast.

Hey, where's yours?

We thought you should eat first for once.

Now this is more like it.

You're finally treating like a member of the family.

[BELCHES]

[EXPLOSION]

[music]

[CHANTING]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Comments, people?

This is perhaps the most revolting food item

I have ever encountered.

It actually frightens me.

It's so unappealing on so many levels

it's hard to know what to criticize first.

It's like Wally,

except small enough to flush down the toilet.

Thank God for my oversized head.

I think it's creepy!

Is it alive?

If you tried to put this thing on the market,

you'd be out of business in a week.

Now that is definitely...

Not what we're looking for.

Wait a minute.

You're going to dismiss the tomeato

because it's unattractive?

Sound reasoning from my perch, Dilby.

But it's a perfect food source for third-world countries.

It contains all the vitamins and minerals necessary

to sustain an adult.

It grows anywhere. It doesn't need refrigeration.

Two words, Dilby.

Ug-ly.

What does that have to do with anything?

I know for a fact that there's a market for this.

No offense, Dilweed,

but what you engineers know about marketing

could fit inside the very small opening

on a very small thing.

Well put.

What about Elbonia?

There's a famine in Elbonia.

Until CNN has a name for it, like "famine in Elbonia"

it's not really happening.

Who are we to impose

our way of life upon another culture?

I'm pretty sure that every culture likes to eat.

Suppose we discovered

an entire nation of supermodels? What then?

That is the dumbest hypothetical question

I have ever heard.

People always say that

when I'm winning the argument.

If I could interrupt here--

And I know I can--

I'm hearing some good news here

for the old torpedo.

Tomeato.

Whoa. Easy, Norbert.

Now this Elbonia.

It's not in America, right?

Your guess is as good as mine...

possibly better

because I try to make all my guesses rhyme.

Anyway we could grow these crapberries in Elbonia,

then bring them back

as an exotic import specialty food.

You know, the kind you give to other people

when you can't think of a real gift.

Hmm. a basket of Norwegian sour meats.

I don't see why

I have to go down to accounting

to increase the travel budget

just for a trip to Elbonia.

I know it seems like a form

of arbitrary punishment.

But?

But what?

[SCREAMING]

Uh, who do I speak to

about increasing my travel budget?

Travel budget?

Travel budget?

Who do you think you are?

I think I'm someone traveling to Elbonia on business.

Do you have any proof?

Proof?

Since when do we need proof to do our jobs?

Do you think we just give out money

to anyone who asks for it?

Do I look like Santa Claus to you?

No, you look like some sort of hideous creature.

Thank you, because that's the look I'm going for.

What if I just go on the trip

and then submit carefully documented receipts

when I return?

And what if you never return?

I'll leave explicit instructions

for the executor of my will to file my receipts.

Very well.

Sign here.

I approve your request to use your personal airline miles

to pay for this trip.

What?

You really should read the fine print.

It's nice having visitors.

So, where's all the famine?

Let's ask.

Excuse me.

Can you direct us

to the famine-stricken parts of Elbonia?

What is famine?

The food shortages,

the hunger crisis.

I don't know what you're talking about.

We have no hunger here.

I myself ate four meals already today.

Yes, of mud.

Have you tasted it?

No thanks.

Hey, chocolate.

Not just chocolate.

Nutritious, non-fattening, and obviously abundant.

Maybe this was a mistake.

They're eating mud, Wally.

Mud.

Obviously, they're in denial.

Um, can you tell me

where this picture was taken?

Yes, that is Petrunyik Vlastominitz,

the richest man in Elbonia.

His mansion is one mile in that direction.

I think you're confused.

This is my foster child.

I send him 87 cents a week.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, you and about a billion other people.

[CONTINUES LAUGHING]

Isn't that a sight, Wally?

The muddy plains of Elbonia being transformed

into vibrant fields of tomeatoes.

Yeah, great.

Can we go back to the hotel?

I don't feel like I'm on a business trip

until I pocket the little shampoos.

WALLY: Hey, check it out.

It's a cornucopia.

Salads, soups, meat, fish, poultry.

Look at the footnote.

It says all food is made out of Elbonian mud.

I'm not a fussy eater like you.

NEWSCASTER: And in a late-breaking story,

another 5,000 ethnic Elbonians

decided to leave the country today.

Since there is no difference

between ethnic and non-ethnic Elbonians,

we have no idea why.

What else is on?

Let's see.

MAN: And welcome back

to Elbonian Monday night football.

Here's the opening kickoff.

And that's the game.

Final score: Elbonian Molemen: zero

Elbonian Chickenhawks: zero.

That was exciting.

I had money on that game.

Coming up next: ELBONIAN BAYWATCH.

WALLY: Dilbert, would you mind leaving for a little while?

I have trouble watching Baywatch

with someone else in the room.

[LOUD CRACKLING]

Did you hear that?

Yeah.

You really ought to stretch more.

Wow, that was fast.

Experts are holding the tomeato responsible

for plunging Elbonia into the worst famine ever.

It's the tomeatoes' fault.

It's a freak of nature.

Meat and fruit; whoever heard of such a thing?

It has sucked all the nutritional value

out of our delicious Elbonian mud.

Now it tastes like mud!

It's inedible!

It smells bad!

Although, I do admit, it stacks nicely.

TV ANNOUNCER: The Elbonian exodus has begun

as hungry Elbonians seek refuge in neighboring countries

while starving Elbonians who remain

are resorting to desperate measures.

This is the most delicious hotel

I've ever eaten.

We've got to find poor little Petrunyik.

He must be so frightened and helpless.

Do you know where this picture was taken?

[CHUCKLING]

Tourists.

Yeah, you got five minutes.

What do you want?

First of all, you lied to me.

I thought you were a starving child,

not an Elbonian fat cat.

Although, I must admit you've done an excellent job

investing my 87 cents per week.

Thank you.

Second, I came here to help Elbonia

with the advent of the tomeato crop,

but it hasn't worked out that way.

Instead of stabilizing an unstable country,

I've destabilized a stable one.

So, like, just the opposite?

Yes.

So what do you want me to do about it besides laugh?

Well, admittedly, the tomeato tastes like wet suede,

but it looks good and stacks well.

So?

Well, as a food product, it's a total loser.

But think about it--

the tomeato would make a great lightweight building material.

You could rebuild the infrastructure,