No.

I mean, I don't know how to date.

You don't know how to date?

How old are you?

23.

23.

I'm almost 24, though, guys.

OK, almost 24 —

23 and 3/4.

OK, and you haven't really dated yet?

Well, that makes me sound... that makes me sound like

I've never...

Well, have you?

I don't date.

OK.

I'm not into the whole, let's go out for dinner.

Yeah, so...

See, I don't even know how to talk about it.

Yeah, well... but what if somebody said,

let's go out to dinner.

I wouldn't know what to do.

You'd say "yes" or "no" is what you do.

Ask me out on a date.

No, I'm married.

I'm not going to ask you...

[LAUGHTER]

No, I know.

But it's not real.

It's not real.

I won't.

OK, I'll ask.

This is how uncomfortable I would make someone.

All right, I'll do it.

Hey, do you want to have dinner sometime?

No, you're married, Ellen.

You set that up.

I'm going to tell Portia.

All right, all right.

So let's find you someone.

Great.

Because at some point, you're going to have to date.

You're beautiful, and you're funny, and you're smart,

and you're...

Are you asking me on a date right now?

I am married.

Now stop it.

OK.

So we're going to find you somebody,

because you have to at least know what your type is.

Or at least, I have to know so I can help you.

So let's play Who'd You Rather?

And we're going to put up two faces.

And you're going to pick, OK?

Yeah.

And you have to be honest.

Will I look here or here?

No, here.

You can look straight ahead.

So let's put up the first two, and you're going to honestly say.

Timothee or Colin?

I know both of those people.

They're both friends.

It doesn't matter if you know them.

Play the game.

[LAUGHTER]

Colin's way older than Timmy.

Yes, he is.

Colin's way old... so Timmy.

So Timmy, all right.

Timmy or Harry?

Oh, that's tough.

I know.

That is tough.

It's a fun game.

Harry's very good in Dunkirk, I have to say.

Yeah, he's very talented.

See, I don't know Harry Styles.

I don't know what he's like.

Well, he's... let me tell you what...

You like him, don't you?

I like him and I know him.

And he's very funny and very smart as well.

Let me stick with Timmy, because even if it's just

a platonic relationship, I think we can have

a nice companionship together.

[LAUGHTER]

You know what I mean?

Like, we're very compatible as companions.

And I don't know... and Harry's on the road a lot, and...

[LAUGHTER]

you know, it's very stressful being with someone on tour.

You're so bad at this game.

OK, really, you're not going to ever date.

Let's see, Timothee

They're basically all...

or Jamie?

Again, I don't know.

I know that you're all like, oh, you've got to pick Jamie.

Well, they're into Jamie.

Jamie's married.

Yes, he is.

This is a pretend game.

It's not really going to happen.

Do you want me to pick Jamie just so we change Timmy's?

Let's do that.

Let's pick Jamie, yeah.

OK, Jamie or Ed Sheeran?

See what happens?

Ed, again, is a pal.

Yeah, and isn't he great?

And he got... he's great, but he's got...

And he's got a girlfriend.

Yeah, he's wonderful.

So I'm going to...

Yeah.

Let's go to Ed.

OK, we're going with Ed.

All right, let's go to Ed.

Daniel Radcliffe.

Oh, well, this is different now.

Oh.

Well, because when I was young, I grew up with Harry Potter,

and so...

So him.

Daniel... Harry Potter was who I thought I'd end up with.

OK, so we'll go to Daniel.

Harry Potter specifically, not Daniel Radcliffe.

Oh.

You would pick Harry?

I've had a... yeah, I would pick Harry Potter

over Daniel Radcliffe.

He'd have to stay in character the whole time.

Yeah.

OK.

Maybe he does.

We don't know him.

All right, so Daniel or Kendrick Lamar?

Oh, I love Kendrick.

All right, Kendrick?

I love Kendrick.

OK, Kendrick Lamar or Drake?

Drake.

Drake.

Now look.

Oh, that's Zack from Saved by the Bell.

Yeah.

Zack!

You're going to go to Zack from Drake?

Yeah, yeah.

Wow, OK.

Orlando Bloom.

I think you're going to stay with...

Zack.

I'm calling him Zack.

I know, it's... there's Zack or Zac.

Which Zack now?

I reckon Zac Efron would be fun on a night out.

And he can sing and dance and stuff.

So I think, again, he would be a fun companion to have.

Right.

So Zac Efron.

So you really, really think these things through.

OK, so Zac or Jake Gyllenhaal?

Jake Gyllenhaal.

We'll go with Jake Gyllenhaal.

Wow, that was quick.

You just said how...

Well, cause we could quick and mix it up a bit.

You said how fun Zac...

This game has gone on for so long.

Well, we're not bored yet.

OK, so Jake or Chris Martin?

Chris Martin.

Chris Martin is a wonderful performer.

Yes.

And he's a great performer.

I think him and the band work very well together.

He'd write a song about me.

Yeah.

If things went well, I like the idea

that he'd write a song, so Chris, probably.

OK.

Christopher.

I feel like I'm talking to a 70-year-old woman.

I feel like...

I'm literally... I say all the time I'm like a 45-year-old...

You are.

I almost said 45, but...

Yeah, you went up.

I went up from there.

Chris or Chance?

(SINGING) All night.

I've been drinking all night.

I've been drinking.

Probably... just because I love that song.

Yeah.

All right, Chance or Bruno?

Bruno, definitely.

All right.

Just that fast, Bruno.

There's a few that are instant for me, for sure.

Yeah, I understand.

Bruno or...

Like a gut reaction.

Oh, it's...

Oh, I ended with Bruno?

It was like that.

[APPLAUSE]

That was a long game.

All right.

That was very long.

All right, Bruno, come on out.

No, but what if we had him ready?

That would...

Imagine if you had all of them backstage.

Yeah, and they were waiting to see.

Just waiting to see who got picked.

Yep, just lined up.

We have a camera just panning.

That'd be so awful.

Yeah.

No, he's not here, but he will be.

I'm going to... but he's got a girlfriend also.

Again, companionship is fine.

Even just a friendship I'm fine with.

Even if we just like email, we have a correspondence.

OK, well, we'll get that happening.

They're all aw'ing me.

I know.

They're like taking pity on me in the audience.

[LAUGHTER]

They're not taking pity.

They don't understand you.

The "aw" was, aw, who is she?

What is going on in her head?

What decade does she live in?

Lady Bird is a fantastic movie.

You should go see it.

It's in theaters now.